WWYD? Elderly parents out of state

[Anonymous]

Every family dynamic is different (obviously). What would I do with the dynamic you described? I would call the sibling, thank them, acknowledge that it is a heavy lift they are taking on, everyone cry for a min, and then ask specifically what can I do. Can you be in charge of the finances and sibling be in charge of medical? Can you offer to fly in one week a month while sibling takes the time off (this one if kinda annoying for the sibling bc of the routine)? Can you offer to pay for a house cleaner and schedule and give them a key? Yard cleaning person? Pay to cover a hairdresser and coordinate? Pay for them to get their nails done once a month (we had an in home service at the end)? Pay for the sibling to go out to dinner once a month with their spouse/friends and you pay for their babysitter? Everything is a pain and everything is expensive and everything is horrible during this stage. Treat your family like clients. Treat your sibling like a client or new boss you are trying to win over. It’s annoying, but it really is the best way to keep family drama down to a minimum. It helped me to get through this stage and I dealt with the family trauma/drama after parent was gone. And yes, this will impact your finances, spouse, kids, friends, social life, and personal health. Get ahead of it now with open communication, long walks, and get your personal family on board with the commitment it will take to get through this. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

a couple thoughts.

1) is she eligible for hospice? Covered by medicaid and they tend to be good about getting supplies and dealing with her care onsite...if the goal is palliative and not curative it should cut down medical appointments. Once my mom started hospice, she only saw the hospice nurse on site.

2) even with hospice, a geriatric care manager may be helpful and without it, seems worth it, especially if her prognosis is a year or less.

3) Offer to go out every 4-6 weeks for a few days at a time. I was my mother's main caregiver and my sibling really wasn't involved in the slightest, but when he did come out, he expected me to drive him to visit her, etc. He didn't actively do anything, unless I arranged it. However, he did agree once to come out and stay in our home so we could go away and he was around, since my mother (who at that time was actually fine, physically, but horrible mentally) berated me non stop for abandoning her to go on vacation.

4) Until my mom's dementia really kicked in, she was pretty horrible to me at times. I was the person taking care of her but I also represented her loss of independence, etc. It was hard, but I had to kind of separate myself from these emotions and see her as a very scared and sad person. Then there was a period, before she really lost the ability to communicate and understand, that she acknowledged how much I had done and that she was sorry she put me through it. I still really haven't processed everything, but its okay to have mixed feelings, and its complicated with your sibling as well. Do what you can, acknowledge that your sibling still puts in a lot of work even with caregivers--there's just a lot that happens "on the ground" that no one else seems to be able to do. I was at my mom's almost daily for some reason or another, even though she was in full assisted living.