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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I want to look at OP's situation a bit differently. While many of the PPs are focusing on OP and OP placing possible boundary issues with her mother and sister, I am going to argue that the bigger issue is a bit more black and white. OP's mom is quickly declining as elderly people ultimately do. OP's sister is currently the primary caretaker and doing the far vast amount of support. And OP is being blamed by both that she is "not there" and then dismissed.

All feelings and family baggage aside and we all have plenty of history to sort through when it comes with our families, the fact is that OP is.not.there. She just is not. OP is not physically able to physically support her mother in a significant and needed way. Regardless of why OP is not there, regardless of physical miles between them, regardless of past hurts and wrongs, regardless of whether OP's mom deserves the help or not, regardless of whether OP's sister had mom's support prior with childcare, regardless, regardless, regardless -- the fact remains that OP is not there. When her mother and sister claim this they are 100% correct. If you take all the emotion and all the complex history out of it the fact is that OP is not in a physical position to do much for her mother. And it is what it is. That is how distance works whether it is an elderly parent, a sibling, an old friend or a new friend. If you are not in close physical proximity you are not there and thus you are not able to provide what they may need. And with most elderly at the end stage of their lives what they need - really need - are hardly the phone calls and checking in but instead the day-to-day physical support. Sure, a quick weekend visit to mom is "great" but it is absolutely surface and not what an elderly person of quickly declining health really needs. That is the truth and reality and anyone who says otherwise is fooling themselves.

So accept that OP. Accept that you can only do what you can but also accept that your mother and sister are completely justified in how they feel as well. What are your other options? It doesn't sound like you are going to be moving closer to your mother and sister. It doesn't sound like your mother is going to move closer to you. OP can bang her head against the proverbial wall all she wants but the facts remain: she is not there. And if OP has guilt from that and/or feels defensive about that (and she does seem to have all of those feelings) than she needs to lean into figuring out what she can do to help herself with understanding those feelings better.

Physical distance makes a difference in all relationships. Always has and always will. And that is okay OP.[/quote]

All of this. Even taking the mother out of the equation, the sister is doing pretty much everything. And it is the day-to-day work that is overwhelming and soul crushing when taking care of an elderly person at the end of life without help. So OP has to accept that. The only way I've seen it work (somewhat) is if the not hands-on sibling pays for care to come in and take some of the burden off the sibling.

That said, most people can't afford to do that, because they have to provide for their own families and their own retirement so that their kids aren't having to foot the bill of their elder care. Basically, solve the problems that their parent's generation rarely gave thought to.

Many of the elderly now had parents who died before they ever needed significant care. Or as soon as care was needed they died soon after. But with medical advances, people are living longer and many of that generation are simply not prepared monetarily. So the care falls to the kids.

I feel for you, OP. [/quote]

Thank you.

And just two points of clarification in my situation.

1. My Mom has a lot of money and pays for all her care out of her own accounts. My sister and I don't need to contribute.

2. My Mom has 24/7 home health aides and lives in a nice independent living apartment community. Groceries are delivered by Instacart. My sister doesn't provide care to my Mom in the sense you may be thinking. There hasn't been day to say work in an ongoing way. There have been bursts of needs like we're in currently. She absolutely does do a lot and lives in the same town.[/quote]

OMG OP you are SO clueless. No wonder your sister is pissed at you.

So, first of all - "groceries are delivered by Instacart"? Who figures out what food to order? Your sister, I bet. Who figures out meal planning? Who order those groceries? Your sister, I bet. Who calls the aide and says "Hi, the groceries were delivered, please bring them in a put them in and put them away." Your sister, I bet.

If your sister is doing this, you could take over. You will have to communicate with the caregivers about meals, what is going bad, what is not, make sure they bring in the groceries promptly. And you can't trust most caregivers to throw out bad food, so your sister likely still needs to go over and toss the old food.

And just because she has aides does NOT mean she doesn't need  day to day care. These aides are often not that great and they need oversight and instruction. Otherwise your mom may wind up dehydrated because they aren't giving her enough fluids. Or with bed sores because she is sitting or lying in one position too much. Or with a UTI because they don't change her diaper enough or take her to the bathroom enough.

God. You are clueless. Just keep telling yourself that there isn't day to day care.[/quote]

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