Letting young family member come live in your home?

[Anonymous]

I have not seen the “other thread” that people are referring to. It would help if you answered the question about why she can’t live with your son at his home, if that is indeed true.

I’d be wary of thrusting yourself into a living situation with someone you barely know- not for lack of concern about your grandchild, but BECAUSE of your concern for your relationship with your grandchild. If things go sideways between you and the mother (which seems reasonably likely with the 2 of you living together), that could make things much worse.

Can you offer other assistance instead? Regular childcare while she and your son work, once her maternity leave is done ? (Need not be every day) Temporary financial assistance for a small apartment (deposit and first months rent etc) while helping her obtain any government assistance she qualifies for? Welcome her to visit or sleep over with baby in the guest room for the night (do not make up a designated room that is “hers”) if she needs a break from the squabbling at home?

Without knowing the financial situation of all involved (her, son, you, her parents) it is hard to say what would be best.

Personally I would be wary of having her move in with you or being perceived as inserting yourself into the situation with her family. Barring a truly unsafe environment. She sounds recently postpartum and emotions are high, I’m sure. For her family as well. IMO they will end up reconciling and somehow you could be painted as meddling or as the “bad guy” somehow. Assistance with practical matters may be a safer bet and more helpful in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can someone please post the link to the other thread?

The beginning of the saga https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1309879.page

Then the food and gifts saga
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1310958.page

They intertwine

[Anonymous]

So the OP (grandma) has decided to play the role of the "father" as her son wants nothing to do with the mess that the so-called GF has created, while she also doesn't get along with her family-of-origin, has no money and nowhere to live? Sounds fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the OP (grandma) has decided to play the role of the "father" as her son wants nothing to do with the mess that the so-called GF has created, while she also doesn't get along with her family-of-origin, has no money and nowhere to live? Sounds fun!

To be fair, if I had a son who was…..that way….I’d still want to be involved in my grandchild’s life. I’d also feel obligated to assist - but in a way that doesn’t enable my son to shirk his responsibilities either. (How to manage that, I have no idea)

It is unclear to me whether finances are a major issue here- as in, is the girl uneducated/no career and is on the verge of being homeless? Or is there some financial stability on anyone’s end here (girl’s family, the son, OP’s family, or the girl herself). Like- is the girl finishing up a degree or had a decent job but was setback by the pregnancy? Or is she entirely dependent on others for the near future. Temporary help is one thing for a grandparent to offer (and really not uncommon) but taking on longer term responsibility is quite another. Seems the son is in his late 20s- more than old enough to step up on his own.

[Anonymous]

No.
Your sons baby mom and child is not your responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t he clean out his own old bedroom himself? He can and should.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t she and baby move in with your son???

My kids are minors. If my son had a girl out of wedlock and broke up or had terms, I would probably let girl and baby live in my house. This would be my grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Is your son absolutely sure this child is his?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son has a house, and the mother of his child is his girlfriend, yet she and the baby can’t live in his house? I’m confused.

She should live with your son.

You do NOT want an unpaid resident trying to take control of your house!!

Yet again another man making problems and then asking a woman to sweep up after him. WTF!?

And he thinks she will get along with you when she can’t get along with her parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son has a house, and the mother of his child is his girlfriend, yet she and the baby can’t live in his house? I’m confused.

She should live with your son.

You do NOT want an unpaid resident trying to take control of your house!!

Yet again another man making problems and then asking a woman to sweep up after him. WTF!?

And he thinks she will get along with you when she can’t get along with her parents?

All of this! Who does this ? Or asks anyone to do this?

OP you are a grandmother NOT roommate or landlord or your son’s replacement to that child.

Also where is your son’s father? Have them go live w him.

Please don’t be dim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son has a house, and the mother of his child is his girlfriend, yet she and the baby can’t live in his house? I’m confused.

She should live with your son.

You do NOT want an unpaid resident trying to take control of your house!!

Yet again another man making problems and then asking a woman to sweep up after him. WTF!?

And he thinks she will get along with you when she can’t get along with her parents?

All of this! Who does this ? Or asks anyone to do this?
OP you are a grandmother NOT roommate or landlord or your son’s replacement to that child.

Also where is your son’s father? Have them go live w him.

Please don’t be dim.

This is not the son being a problem. It’s his girlfriend. She concealed that she was pregnant from him until the last week before delivery. She got pregnant either before they started dating or within the first few weeks. She has no means to be a single mom. This child should have been put up for adoption something the girls family and the son would be on board with however the girls family and the OP want this to turn out into a Hallmark movie or 1950s scene where the son is shamed into marrying the girl and they form a happy family built on lies.

OP is trashy . If she had encouraged the young woman who can not mentally or financially support this child to consider adoption the poor baby would be in a happy family now. Instead he’s in trash town with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son has a house, and the mother of his child is his girlfriend, yet she and the baby can’t live in his house? I’m confused.

She should live with your son.

You do NOT want an unpaid resident trying to take control of your house!!

Yet again another man making problems and then asking a woman to sweep up after him. WTF!?

And he thinks she will get along with you when she can’t get along with her parents?

All of this! Who does this ? Or asks anyone to do this?
OP you are a grandmother NOT roommate or landlord or your son’s replacement to that child.

Also where is your son’s father? Have them go live w him.

Please don’t be dim.

This is not the son being a problem. It’s his girlfriend. She concealed that she was pregnant from him until the last week before delivery. She got pregnant either before they started dating or within the first few weeks. She has no means to be a single mom. This child should have been put up for adoption something the girls family and the son would be on board with however the girls family and the OP want this to turn out into a Hallmark movie or 1950s scene where the son is shamed into marrying the girl and they form a happy family built on lies.

OP is trashy . If she had encouraged the young woman who can not mentally or financially support this child to consider adoption the poor baby would be in a happy family now. Instead he’s in trash town with OP.

They first need a paternity test.

[Anonymous]

Adoption is not a solution to poverty. Selling babies is not legal anymore in this country. Adoption is a solution when a baby and parents are already unable to be together. This is not the situation.

Ideally the father would be taking 50% parenting time, and paying for the majority of childcare so that mom can work. It sounds like the father isn't choosing to take the parenting time, so his child support and childcare responsibilities will be high.

If he is renting, and that makes it hard for him to provide childcare, then he should probably move back in with his mom, to free up income.

If he owns the home, he can move back with his mom, sell the house and then use that money to pay child support. He can move back home, rent out his house and use that money. He can also explore whether the baby's mother wants to rent the house from him with the child support.

The only ways that the baby's mom living with the OP makes sense are

1) OP's kid refuses to pay child support, or let her live with him, or take parenting time, in which case letting her live with OP until her son goes to jail for contempt and the house is sold to pay arrears makes sense.

2) She is asking to live there to have an extra adult to help her learn to parent.

[Anonymous]

Is he living with 4 dudes or in a dorm? Why isn’t she moving in with him? Make this make sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adoption is not a solution to poverty. Selling babies is not legal anymore in this country. Adoption is a solution when a baby and parents are already unable to be together. This is not the situation.

Ideally the father would be taking 50% parenting time, and paying for the majority of childcare so that mom can work. It sounds like the father isn't choosing to take the parenting time, so his child support and childcare responsibilities will be high.

If he is renting, and that makes it hard for him to provide childcare, then he should probably move back in with his mom, to free up income.

If he owns the home, he can move back with his mom, sell the house and then use that money to pay child support. He can move back home, rent out his house and use that money. He can also explore whether the baby's mother wants to rent the house from him with the child support.

The only ways that the baby's mom living with the OP makes sense are

1) OP's kid refuses to pay child support, or let her live with him, or take parenting time, in which case letting her live with OP until her son goes to jail for contempt and the house is sold to pay arrears makes sense.

2) She is asking to live there to have an extra adult to help her learn to parent.

No adoption is a solution to an unwanted pregnancy that can not be terminated. Unless the woman was lying, this is a rare but perfect instance where adoption makes the most sense. The woman is unable to care and provide for the baby she supposedly never knew she was pregnant with 8 months. The son does not want the baby or to marry/ live with the woman. Trashy OP on the other hand is jumping in with the delusion of forcing her son into this while enabling the women’s delusion or deceit.