Marrieds who left their SO for another. How is it going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine left for his AP and they are still together. I’ve cycled thru an on and off again relationship that recently ended.

It’s quite possible that they will have the happily ever after and I will be the one to struggle.

The pool of available men in their 40s is not so great. Most men just want FWB.

I feel like ex won and I lost. I don’t want a casual/FWB lifestyle and would prefer a lasting, loving partnership, but that’s genuinely hard to find. In the meantime, I’m working on myself & trying to raise my kids well… but, as the years go by and as I get older, I feel that the odds of finding the one will be slimmer and slimmer.

No. They lost because they will never truly regain their self-respect and respect for each other.

Dating gets a lot easier with teens and empty nesting.

I am working on my exit due to cheating STBX who will never admit the affair. A friend of mine (late 40s) who divorced in 2024 (not cheating ex), just remarried. She has found her happily ever after and I hope you will too! I also hope my STBX and the AP come to a realization at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's pretty rare that someone leaves a marriage for their AP. Most of the time, the cheater wants to stay married but there's something going on (could be an inner child trauma or could be something triggering them, or even a mid-life crisis) that makes them lose their mind. I've never seen solid data on whether people who cheat like this (non-exit affairs) tend to do it multiple times or just the one time if never caught. But I have a feeling that a bunch of people who have been married more than 10 years have cheated and stayed. Maybe that's why so few people are responding to this question.

I mean ... yeah. I like being married. I did have inner child trauma/mid-life crisis, but now I just like having a BF in addition to a DH. Is that so wrong??

Either you are a troll or your DH does not know. Is your BF married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's pretty rare that someone leaves a marriage for their AP. Most of the time, the cheater wants to stay married but there's something going on (could be an inner child trauma or could be something triggering them, or even a mid-life crisis) that makes them lose their mind. I've never seen solid data on whether people who cheat like this (non-exit affairs) tend to do it multiple times or just the one time if never caught. But I have a feeling that a bunch of people who have been married more than 10 years have cheated and stayed. Maybe that's why so few people are responding to this question.

I mean ... yeah. I like being married. I did have inner child trauma/mid-life crisis, but now I just like having a BF in addition to a DH. Is that so wrong??

Yes. If you love your bf why not exit the marriage to be with him? That is the question after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's pretty rare that someone leaves a marriage for their AP. Most of the time, the cheater wants to stay married but there's something going on (could be an inner child trauma or could be something triggering them, or even a mid-life crisis) that makes them lose their mind. I've never seen solid data on whether people who cheat like this (non-exit affairs) tend to do it multiple times or just the one time if never caught. But I have a feeling that a bunch of people who have been married more than 10 years have cheated and stayed. Maybe that's why so few people are responding to this question.

I mean ... yeah. I like being married. I did have inner child trauma/mid-life crisis, but now I just like having a BF in addition to a DH. Is that so wrong??

Yes. If you love your bf why not exit the marriage to be with him? That is the question after all.

Likely he’s married and would want nothing to do with her if she divorced. Just love bombing her for side sex, most likely still sleeping with his wife too. That’s usually how those things go.

[Anonymous]

I have worked with several men who married their APs. They all seem happy with their new wives and several are going on 5-10 years into the 2nd marriage. I personally can’t imagine having young children and then teens/college aged kids with the first wives at 50+ but who am I to judge

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's pretty rare that someone leaves a marriage for their AP. Most of the time, the cheater wants to stay married but there's something going on (could be an inner child trauma or could be something triggering them, or even a mid-life crisis) that makes them lose their mind. I've never seen solid data on whether people who cheat like this (non-exit affairs) tend to do it multiple times or just the one time if never caught. But I have a feeling that a bunch of people who have been married more than 10 years have cheated and stayed. Maybe that's why so few people are responding to this question.

I mean ... yeah. I like being married. I did have inner child trauma/mid-life crisis, but now I just like having a BF in addition to a DH. Is that so wrong??

Yes. If you love your bf why not exit the marriage to be with him? That is the question after all.

Likely he’s married and would want nothing to do with her if she divorced. Just love bombing her for side sex, most likely still sleeping with his wife too. That’s usually how those things go.

To answer OP this is what would most likely happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have worked with several men who married their APs. They all seem happy with their new wives and several are going on 5-10 years into the 2nd marriage. I personally can’t imagine having young children and then teens/college aged kids with the first wives at 50+ but who am I to judge

My husband's ex left to be with her AP. I think she's happy now but for many years, she was very unhappy but stuck as she had limited income to allimony, child support and a minimum wage job and he paid for the housing and other things. They finally married after 20+ years so things are more stable.

We met years later after the divorce and had kids. Its not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have worked with several men who married their APs. They all seem happy with their new wives and several are going on 5-10 years into the 2nd marriage. I personally can’t imagine having young children and then teens/college aged kids with the first wives at 50+ but who am I to judge

New kids are the price of admission to AP’s bed. Gotta lock up those assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been a mixed bag.

I left my xH for another man, who dumped me within a month of me leaving.

I ended up having another child who I adore (accidental pregnancy), and I'm in a LTR with an amazing man who is everything I've ever dreamed of.

But, there's been a lot of hard times. I was a SAHM and had to start over in a new career. Money is still tight and I'm stressed out a lot. I'm now stuck in a city I absolutely hate.

I don't really know if I can say I regret it. My problem in my marriage was that I was a pushover and my xH is extremely domineering. Now, I have no problem standing up to him, and I think he respects me more because I'm not dependent on him and I don't put up with any BS from him. In theory, I could have probably done this in my marriage, but I also didn't have the life experience and self-esteem that my struggles ended up giving me.

But I do really miss that cushy SAHM lifestyle, and I miss my kids when they're not with me. Generally when my SAHM friends are thinking of divorce, I push them not to, especially if it's over relatively minor things and their husbands make good money.

Dp. Posting here because my story has some parallels. Both ex and I cheated although I’m not sure anyone ‘left’ for their AP. There was infidelity because of serious relationship issues, trust issues, resentment, etc. Ex went from relationship to relationship after we separated while I settled down a few years later (not with AP) and have been fairly happy. But it was rough, terrible for our kids and looking back, I wish we’d both been more mature and flexible with each other. We tried therapy and it didn’t work, but I wish we’d tried harder to appreciate each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine left for his AP and they are still together. I’ve cycled thru an on and off again relationship that recently ended.

It’s quite possible that they will have the happily ever after and I will be the one to struggle.

The pool of available men in their 40s is not so great. Most men just want FWB.

I feel like ex won and I lost. I don’t want a casual/FWB lifestyle and would prefer a lasting, loving partnership, but that’s genuinely hard to find. In the meantime, I’m working on myself & trying to raise my kids well… but, as the years go by and as I get older, I feel that the odds of finding the one will be slimmer and slimmer.

No. They lost because they will never truly regain their self-respect and respect for each other.

Dating gets a lot easier with teens and empty nesting.

I am working on my exit due to cheating STBX who will never admit the affair. A friend of mine (late 40s) who divorced in 2024 (not cheating ex), just remarried. She has found her happily ever after and I hope you will too! I also hope my STBX and the AP come to a realization at some point.

Lol. This is how you know you’re the problem and you haven’t grown at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm waiting for a very prominent scientist to pop in to tell us how well it's going with his adult kids and the not much older delighted to be mentored young girlfriend.

LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm waiting for a very prominent scientist to pop in to tell us how well it's going with his adult kids and the not much older delighted to be mentored young girlfriend.

LOL

I cant seem to find that scientist anywhere-please direct me-I need a laugh

[Anonymous]

Here you go! I’d be genuinely curious to know what became of him and the girlfriend. Clearly the wife is better off.


https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/60/1157934.page#25896557
Posting as the man’s neighbor

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1161036.page
Posting as the man’s brother

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/45/1149662.page#25563766
Posting as someone who knows the man but the relationship isn’t specified


https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/45/1229402.page#28405614
Posting as the man himself

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/120/1170113.page#26296757
Posting again as the man himself

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/225/1236955.page#28705942
Posting as the man himself yet again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's been a mixed bag.

I left my xH for another man, who dumped me within a month of me leaving.

I ended up having another child who I adore (accidental pregnancy), and I'm in a LTR with an amazing man who is everything I've ever dreamed of.

But, there's been a lot of hard times. I was a SAHM and had to start over in a new career. Money is still tight and I'm stressed out a lot. I'm now stuck in a city I absolutely hate.

I don't really know if I can say I regret it. My problem in my marriage was that I was a pushover and my xH is extremely domineering. Now, I have no problem standing up to him, and I think he respects me more because I'm not dependent on him and I don't put up with any BS from him. In theory, I could have probably done this in my marriage, but I also didn't have the life experience and self-esteem that my struggles ended up giving me.

But I do really miss that cushy SAHM lifestyle, and I miss my kids when they're not with me. Generally when my SAHM friends are thinking of divorce, I push them not to, especially if it's over relatively minor things and their husbands make good money.

Dp. Posting here because my story has some parallels. Both ex and I cheated although I’m not sure anyone ‘left’ for their AP. There was infidelity because of serious relationship issues, trust issues, resentment, etc. Ex went from relationship to relationship after we separated while I settled down a few years later (not with AP) and have been fairly happy. But it was rough, terrible for our kids and looking back, I wish we’d both been more mature and flexible with each other. We tried therapy and it didn’t work, but I wish we’d tried harder to appreciate each other.

I am generally a nice, understanding DCUMer but shame on you. Truly.

[Anonymous]

After I dumped my now exDH for cheating, he renewed the affair that I forced him to quit. They dated for a couple of months and then she dumped him.

Several years later he got married. That lasted about 7 years, and then she dumped him.

When he was cheating, I know he thought he would never get caught. After he got caught, he thought could find a new woman and be better off than he was with me. That didn't work out for him - he now lives alone on a limited income in a 1 br apartment in the city he grew up in. His kids don't have a very high opinion of him, and I don't think he sees them often.