I finally accepted my marriage is over, and I feel as light as a feather

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you never really loved him and married him to get the kids you wanted. You chose to bring kids into a sham marriage that you already knew had issues just to get what you wanted from it. I don't know if he knew you were just using him to get kids or not? If you both made that decision openly, then you are both at fault for poor decision making.

Anyways, hopefully you both move on and can parent amicably and don't bring a revolving door of new partners through your kids lives.

Wow, you are making so many assumptions here. People don’t just marry to have kids and then plan for divorce. How do you know it’s a sham marriage? If it was OP wouldn’t have the sense of relief she is feeling and wouldn’t have stayed as long as she did.

Not assumptions. OP says this in her first paragraph "The marriage has been strained from the get go. I was terrified to leave, and I refused to do it before kids as I was not risking not having kids."

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Do you know what I find truly funny? I have written on this board many times over the years asking for sincere help to try to build a healthy marriage. I was almost unanimously told to divorce each time by every single poster. Now everyone is saying that I am the bad guy. This board is something else.

Anyway, when you know, you know. I did EVERYTHING I could, I am at true peace. I also know that my peace will allow me to be fully present for my kids. We've got this (and really, we have no choice).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I spent 50% time away from my children, especially a 2yo, I’d feel heavy, sad, and guilt-ridden. Literally nothing short of physical abuse or addiction could keep me away from my babies.

You don’t know that.

Besides if she has 50/50 she will be spending her time with her child not shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. because now she has an immense amount of time to get all that done when our child is not around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Do you know what I find truly funny? I have written on this board many times over the years asking for sincere help to try to build a healthy marriage. I was almost unanimously told to divorce each time by every single poster. Now everyone is saying that I am the bad guy. This board is something else.

Anyway, when you know, you know. I did EVERYTHING I could, I am at true peace. I also know that my peace will allow me to be fully present for my kids. We've got this (and really, we have no choice).

"I have written on this board many times over the years asking for sincere help to try to build a healthy marriage. I was almost unanimously told to divorce each time by every single poster."

This is EXACTLY how it is! They're miserable and they want YOU to be to. I realized this is just pure entertainment now for the most part, sure once in a while you can find a true real poster like me (I responded to you a ways back and respond honestly to others and haven't suggested the D word to anyone), but for the most part its all fake bs. Take the good posts and leave the trolls to themselves to rot in their own crappy world they created.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We will be 12 years married next month. The marriage has been strained from the get go. I have posted on this board many times. I was terrified to leave, and I refused to do it before kids as I was not risking not having kids (we have 2 and they are the lights of my life).

My youngest is 2 (old enough for 50/50 custody), and somehow something finally flipped in me; I am done accepting crumbs, and I’m not even mad anymore. I am going to move into the house I bought years ago (now a rental), and I feel light as a feather. I look forward to life again and don’t feel complete misery.

Anyway, just wanted to share. It’s amazing the physical sensation of complete relief I feel giving up on trying to get blood from a stone. I don’t care if I am single for the rest of my life, in fact I welcome it. I have a good job, 2 beautiful kids, and life is going to be grand.

I'm in the middle of a divorce and I can relate. It feels so freeing to know that however things turn out, I'll never have to live with this bastard again. I'm not even going to talk to him beyond coparenting via Our Family Wizard as strictly needed. He made life hell for the kids and I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I spent 50% time away from my children, especially a 2yo, I’d feel heavy, sad, and guilt-ridden. Literally nothing short of physical abuse or addiction could keep me away from my babies.

You're already sad and miserable, which is why you posted this to try to harsh OP's high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought the same thing when my ex-wife and I separated. I am free! I am lighter! I am out of my dead bedroom. So on and so forth.

Reality was actually a lot more complicated. I found myself missing some of my ex-wife’s good traits — traits which became illuminated more when she was gone. When I tried dating again and had dud after dud after dud — it reminded me of the spark that I had with her when we first fell in love. When I saw other people ghost me or treat me cruelly — it reminded me of ways that she was kind towards me and didn’t fully appreciate at the time.

I also found myself in a relationship that was actually much worse than my marriage was — there was lots of steamy sex but my partner was toxic, abusive, and hostile and used sex in manipulative ways. I got out but it was tough.

That relationship was followed by several more years of being single and going through a lot of different emotions, loneliness, etc.

It was also strange because my ex-wife found a new husband right away and started popping out babies with him left and right. I have no idea if she was actually happier but it sure seemed that way from her Facebook account and some sproadic messages.

Eventually, I did find another spouse — 8 years later. She is a much better fit for me, we are deeply in love, and I am convinced now that this is the right person for me.

But it was a bumpy road and I did not fully appreciate how challenging it was going to be when the journey started. I would not call it light or easy.

Lemme guess - you thought she was the problem when you were married? It was you all along, buddy. I'm happy for your ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

This first morning I woke up in my new house free from my ex was so nice. Freedom from the negative energy and constant stress was so freeing. Good for you!

[Anonymous]

Good for you.
Now go enjoy your next chapter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you never really loved him and married him to get the kids you wanted. You chose to bring kids into a sham marriage that you already knew had issues just to get what you wanted from it. I don't know if he knew you were just using him to get kids or not? If you both made that decision openly, then you are both at fault for poor decision making.

Anyways, hopefully you both move on and can parent amicably and don't bring a revolving door of new partners through your kids lives.

Wow, you are making so many assumptions here. People don’t just marry to have kids and then plan for divorce. How do you know it’s a sham marriage? If it was OP wouldn’t have the sense of relief she is feeling and wouldn’t have stayed as long as she did.

Not assumptions. OP says this in her first paragraph "The marriage has been strained from the get go. I was terrified to leave, and I refused to do it before kids as I was not risking not having kids."

+1

So often people don’t realize how terrible their spouse is until after they have children.

He was always him. You wanted a baby and refused to see this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We will be 12 years married next month. The marriage has been strained from the get go. I have posted on this board many times. I was terrified to leave, and I refused to do it before kids as I was not risking not having kids (we have 2 and they are the lights of my life).

My youngest is 2 (old enough for 50/50 custody), and somehow something finally flipped in me; I am done accepting crumbs, and I’m not even mad anymore. I am going to move into the house I bought years ago (now a rental), and I feel light as a feather. I look forward to life again and don’t feel complete misery.

Anyway, just wanted to share. It’s amazing the physical sensation of complete relief I feel giving up on trying to get blood from a stone. I don’t care if I am single for the rest of my life, in fact I welcome it. I have a good job, 2 beautiful kids, and life is going to be grand.

Good luck and enjoy the respite. You will need your strength for dealing with the hellstorm of shit and pain that is coming your way.

WTF? how do you know? I’m so tired of all the sanctimonious posters who think divorce is the worst thing ever. I’m divorced. I didn’t want to be. We were in marriage counseling for five years for all the reasons people on here say you should stay together. When I finally had enough, we split the assets evenly, he moved out, and we co-parent as well as we possibly could. Yes the adjustment to 2 houses was hard for my kids, and I occasionally miss them when they are gone, but I am SO much more present when they are with me that I actually feel like I have them more now. I was so beaten down and exhausted and just going through the motions before. And the thing is, the kids know this too. They have much better versions of their parents, and they are thriving.

I will say - my ex and I work very hard to not make our divorce their problem. If someone forgets something at one house or the other we just bring it over. If a friend’s parent calls me to invite one over when they’re at their dad’s, I intermediate. If they’re with me on their dad’s birthday, I make cupcakes and send them over. We dont play stupid games.

Those of you who dont know what a toxic marriage looks like have no idea what you’re talking about.

Why couldn’t you bring this sense of maturity and compromise to your actual marriage?

You are exactly the type of person I’m talking about. Just because my ex is willing to drop off a pair of forgotten cleats does not mean he was capable of being even a passable partner. We’re both much better off apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I spent 50% time away from my children, especially a 2yo, I’d feel heavy, sad, and guilt-ridden. Literally nothing short of physical abuse or addiction could keep me away from my babies.

So you're a stay at home parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I spent 50% time away from my children, especially a 2yo, I’d feel heavy, sad, and guilt-ridden. Literally nothing short of physical abuse or addiction could keep me away from my babies.

So you're a stay at home parent?

Even if for a couple of waking hours, working parents do see their kids every day unless they are traveling for work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you never really loved him and married him to get the kids you wanted. You chose to bring kids into a sham marriage that you already knew had issues just to get what you wanted from it. I don't know if he knew you were just using him to get kids or not? If you both made that decision openly, then you are both at fault for poor decision making.

Anyways, hopefully you both move on and can parent amicably and don't bring a revolving door of new partners through your kids lives.

Wow, you are making so many assumptions here. People don’t just marry to have kids and then plan for divorce. How do you know it’s a sham marriage? If it was OP wouldn’t have the sense of relief she is feeling and wouldn’t have stayed as long as she did.

Not assumptions. OP says this in her first paragraph "The marriage has been strained from the get go. I was terrified to leave, and I refused to do it before kids as I was not risking not having kids."

+1

So often people don’t realize how terrible their spouse is until after they have children.

He was always him. You wanted a baby and refused to see this.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We will be 12 years married next month. The marriage has been strained from the get go. I have posted on this board many times. I was terrified to leave, and I refused to do it before kids as I was not risking not having kids (we have 2 and they are the lights of my life).

My youngest is 2 (old enough for 50/50 custody), and somehow something finally flipped in me; I am done accepting crumbs, and I’m not even mad anymore. I am going to move into the house I bought years ago (now a rental), and I feel light as a feather. I look forward to life again and don’t feel complete misery.

Anyway, just wanted to share. It’s amazing the physical sensation of complete relief I feel giving up on trying to get blood from a stone. I don’t care if I am single for the rest of my life, in fact I welcome it. I have a good job, 2 beautiful kids, and life is going to be grand.

Ah, yes. The "pink cloud" phase of recovery. OP, do your future self a favor and write this in a journal somewhere. Write how elated you are, how excited for your new life, how relieved you're feeling...

These things aren't fake, but they can and usually do fade. Give a future version of you a reminder of how happy the idea of divorce is making you right now, so when she's bogged down in bullshit and nonsense and court proceedings, she'll remember why she chose this path.

Best of luck to you!