I finally accepted my marriage is over, and I feel as light as a feather

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I spent 50% time away from my children, especially a 2yo, I’d feel heavy, sad, and guilt-ridden. Literally nothing short of physical abuse or addiction could keep me away from my babies.

This is a recipe for children growing up in an abusive household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Do you know what I find truly funny? I have written on this board many times over the years asking for sincere help to try to build a healthy marriage. I was almost unanimously told to divorce each time by every single poster. Now everyone is saying that I am the bad guy. This board is something else.

Anyway, when you know, you know. I did EVERYTHING I could, I am at true peace. I also know that my peace will allow me to be fully present for my kids. We've got this (and really, we have no choice).

DP. 1. This board is extremely extremely quick to recommend divorce for almost everything. That’s not normal. 2. I didn’t tell you not to divorce, but I did remind you that you should have eyes wide open. I divorced and also at first felt no regret and I don’t even think I’d say I regret it now (15 years later). But there was A LOT I didn’t consider when I was fresh into the separation process and happy to ‘live my life without dh!’ etc. When you have kids with someone, it’s really really really complicated. I don’t know how to explain it to you, but it just is. I’m not telling you what to do, but I wish someone had been able to get that through my head when I divorced. I’m not sure I would have heard it tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We will be 12 years married next month. The marriage has been strained from the get go. I have posted on this board many times. I was terrified to leave, and I refused to do it before kids as I was not risking not having kids (we have 2 and they are the lights of my life).

My youngest is 2 (old enough for 50/50 custody), and somehow something finally flipped in me; I am done accepting crumbs, and I’m not even mad anymore. I am going to move into the house I bought years ago (now a rental), and I feel light as a feather. I look forward to life again and don’t feel complete misery.

Anyway, just wanted to share. It’s amazing the physical sensation of complete relief I feel giving up on trying to get blood from a stone. I don’t care if I am single for the rest of my life, in fact I welcome it. I have a good job, 2 beautiful kids, and life is going to be grand.

Good luck and enjoy the respite. You will need your strength for dealing with the hellstorm of shit and pain that is coming your way.

WTF? how do you know? I’m so tired of all the sanctimonious posters who think divorce is the worst thing ever. I’m divorced. I didn’t want to be. We were in marriage counseling for five years for all the reasons people on here say you should stay together. When I finally had enough, we split the assets evenly, he moved out, and we co-parent as well as we possibly could. Yes the adjustment to 2 houses was hard for my kids, and I occasionally miss them when they are gone, but I am SO much more present when they are with me that I actually feel like I have them more now. I was so beaten down and exhausted and just going through the motions before. And the thing is, the kids know this too. They have much better versions of their parents, and they are thriving.

I will say - my ex and I work very hard to not make our divorce their problem. If someone forgets something at one house or the other we just bring it over. If a friend’s parent calls me to invite one over when they’re at their dad’s, I intermediate. If they’re with me on their dad’s birthday, I make cupcakes and send them over. We dont play stupid games.

Those of you who dont know what a toxic marriage looks like have no idea what you’re talking about.

Why couldn’t you bring this sense of maturity and compromise to your actual marriage?

You are exactly the type of person I’m talking about. Just because my ex is willing to drop off a pair of forgotten cleats does not mean he was capable of being even a passable partner. We’re both much better off apart.

I can tell by the way you post, that you don’t get it. Maybe for you - after marrying and bringing children into the world- you decided your ex wasn’t a ‘good partner’ but for your kids he is/was good enough, they surely love both of you, but now they only see him part time and you part time. By most metrics, they would be better off if you two had managed to stay together while acting in the mature compromising way you are now- ie accepting his faults, him accepting yours etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We will be 12 years married next month. The marriage has been strained from the get go. I have posted on this board many times. I was terrified to leave, and I refused to do it before kids as I was not risking not having kids (we have 2 and they are the lights of my life).

My youngest is 2 (old enough for 50/50 custody), and somehow something finally flipped in me; I am done accepting crumbs, and I’m not even mad anymore. I am going to move into the house I bought years ago (now a rental), and I feel light as a feather. I look forward to life again and don’t feel complete misery.

Anyway, just wanted to share. It’s amazing the physical sensation of complete relief I feel giving up on trying to get blood from a stone. I don’t care if I am single for the rest of my life, in fact I welcome it. I have a good job, 2 beautiful kids, and life is going to be grand.

Good luck and enjoy the respite. You will need your strength for dealing with the hellstorm of shit and pain that is coming your way.

WTF? how do you know? I’m so tired of all the sanctimonious posters who think divorce is the worst thing ever. I’m divorced. I didn’t want to be. We were in marriage counseling for five years for all the reasons people on here say you should stay together. When I finally had enough, we split the assets evenly, he moved out, and we co-parent as well as we possibly could. Yes the adjustment to 2 houses was hard for my kids, and I occasionally miss them when they are gone, but I am SO much more present when they are with me that I actually feel like I have them more now. I was so beaten down and exhausted and just going through the motions before. And the thing is, the kids know this too. They have much better versions of their parents, and they are thriving.

I will say - my ex and I work very hard to not make our divorce their problem. If someone forgets something at one house or the other we just bring it over. If a friend’s parent calls me to invite one over when they’re at their dad’s, I intermediate. If they’re with me on their dad’s birthday, I make cupcakes and send them over. We dont play stupid games.

Those of you who dont know what a toxic marriage looks like have no idea what you’re talking about.

Why couldn’t you bring this sense of maturity and compromise to your actual marriage?

You are exactly the type of person I’m talking about. Just because my ex is willing to drop off a pair of forgotten cleats does not mean he was capable of being even a passable partner. We’re both much better off apart.

I can tell by the way you post, that you don’t get it. Maybe for you - after marrying and bringing children into the world- you decided your ex wasn’t a ‘good partner’ but for your kids he is/was good enough, they surely love both of you, but now they only see him part time and you part time. By most metrics, they would be better off if you two had managed to stay together while acting in the mature compromising way you are now- ie accepting his faults, him accepting yours etc.

NP. Only someone both deranged and unintelligent thinks they know best whether a stranger should have remained married. Go play make-believe inside a cardboard box or something else better suited to your toddler intellect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We will be 12 years married next month. The marriage has been strained from the get go. I have posted on this board many times. I was terrified to leave, and I refused to do it before kids as I was not risking not having kids (we have 2 and they are the lights of my life).

My youngest is 2 (old enough for 50/50 custody), and somehow something finally flipped in me; I am done accepting crumbs, and I’m not even mad anymore. I am going to move into the house I bought years ago (now a rental), and I feel light as a feather. I look forward to life again and don’t feel complete misery.

Anyway, just wanted to share. It’s amazing the physical sensation of complete relief I feel giving up on trying to get blood from a stone. I don’t care if I am single for the rest of my life, in fact I welcome it. I have a good job, 2 beautiful kids, and life is going to be grand.

Good luck and enjoy the respite. You will need your strength for dealing with the hellstorm of shit and pain that is coming your way.

WTF? how do you know? I’m so tired of all the sanctimonious posters who think divorce is the worst thing ever. I’m divorced. I didn’t want to be. We were in marriage counseling for five years for all the reasons people on here say you should stay together. When I finally had enough, we split the assets evenly, he moved out, and we co-parent as well as we possibly could. Yes the adjustment to 2 houses was hard for my kids, and I occasionally miss them when they are gone, but I am SO much more present when they are with me that I actually feel like I have them more now. I was so beaten down and exhausted and just going through the motions before. And the thing is, the kids know this too. They have much better versions of their parents, and they are thriving.

I will say - my ex and I work very hard to not make our divorce their problem. If someone forgets something at one house or the other we just bring it over. If a friend’s parent calls me to invite one over when they’re at their dad’s, I intermediate. If they’re with me on their dad’s birthday, I make cupcakes and send them over. We dont play stupid games.

Those of you who dont know what a toxic marriage looks like have no idea what you’re talking about.

Why couldn’t you bring this sense of maturity and compromise to your actual marriage?

You are exactly the type of person I’m talking about. Just because my ex is willing to drop off a pair of forgotten cleats does not mean he was capable of being even a passable partner. We’re both much better off apart.

I can tell by the way you post, that you don’t get it. Maybe for you - after marrying and bringing children into the world- you decided your ex wasn’t a ‘good partner’ but for your kids he is/was good enough, they surely love both of you, but now they only see him part time and you part time. By most metrics, they would be better off if you two had managed to stay together while acting in the mature compromising way you are now- ie accepting his faults, him accepting yours etc.

NP. Only someone both deranged and unintelligent thinks they know best whether a stranger should have remained married. Go play make-believe inside a cardboard box or something else better suited to your toddler intellect.

Thank you for this, NP. I’m the poster this person was responding to, and I was going to say, I can tell by the way you post that YOU don’t get it. My ex is a recovering alcoholic. He’s been to rehab five times and still relapses about once a year. Most people don’t know that about us - he has no DUIs, no job losses, no “accidents,” he didn’t get drunk in public, he just always kept a flask around. Holding that up was just too much for me. Walk in my shoes, or many other women who don’t have such a stark story, but have dysfunctional spouses, before you judge. Until then just STFU.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you knew it was over a long time ago and had kids with him just to beat your biological clock.

And on one hand, maybe that just shows you have some level of self-awareness that many don't. You didn't lie to yourself about it.

But on the other hand, then that means you did lie to him on some level. You had kids knowing you'd be divorcing and coparenting. And he didn't know that.

So I think you still have a ways to go on the self-awareness front.

[Anonymous]

Op- how are things going? Have you moved out?

I found this thread bc I think I am in a similar situation and would like to know how your journey is progressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I spent 50% time away from my children, especially a 2yo, I’d feel heavy, sad, and guilt-ridden. Literally nothing short of physical abuse or addiction could keep me away from my babies.

It felt like the sun was shining again, when my DH finally left our home at my request. I realized I had to do it when my DD, then 2 asked me why I was so sad, and I looked at her and said, "I'm not sad, mommy's fine." and smiled brightly and just carried on. I realized then that I was teaching my kids to misread relationship cues and teaching them to accept bad treatment by staying in the relationship.

I wasn't heavy, sad or guilt-ridden about being a divorced mom with a 5 year old and an 18 month old. I was very happy I would be able to bring them up 50% of the time in a healthy home instead of 100% of the time in a messed up family dynamic. From their 50% of the time in my home, they learned empathy and responsibility and that I would always be there for them. From their dad's 50% of the time, he taught them they couldn't rely on him, or trust him and that he would not help them with anything that wasn't easy for him, and that he didn't have an empathy and couldn't put anyone first. That was sad for me to watch, but it is not my job to control my ex-husband's behavior. He is a grown man who makes his own choices and lives with the consequences, like we all do.

Ending the marriage was the least bad choice of all the options I had. Staying would have wrecked me and the kids for the long term.