Am I wrong for refusing to host BIL?

[Anonymous]

Alcohol lowers inhibitions even when the person is not drunk. Plus daily drinking is a terrible message to send to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My single BIL lives several states away, and he's coming into town for a week to visit my in-laws. My husband's mother asked us to allow him to stay in one of our guest rooms. I said that wouldn't be an option, and explicitly told him the reason and now my husband thinks I'm disrespecting her and his brother.

The reason for the refusal is due to his excess drinking, and I do not want him staying in my home. I have four girls, middle school age and under, and do not want a man like that, around my children, and they know that, and they seem to be trying to guilt trip me.

I hate her and my husband most days, So am I wrong?

Disrespecting? Good grief, are you a livestock animal that was sold into marriage or some weird conservative who bought into the idea that the woman should be a meekly submissive doormats?

You absolutely say no to someone rudely inviting themselves or someone else especially if that person is an obnoxious drunk. Do better and tell her DH to pound sand.

[Anonymous]

No, you are not wrong, and I am sorry your husband isn't backing you up. Your MIL... that is what it is. But your DH should also be thinking about not only your kids' safety but also just what it means for all of you to host someone with a drinking problem in your home -- the added stress and volatility.

I stopped allowing my BIL, who has a personality disorder and is prone to violent and angry outbursts, to stay in our house after an incident where he got in an aggressive fight with my DH, stormed off, and returned in the middle of the night after not responding to texts or calls. We had a baby in the house at the time and the entire incident was so stressful. So that was the last time I allowed him to stay.

However my DH has been supportive. I know he wouldn't have made that choice on his own (he also gets heavy guilt trips from his family wrt his brother) but he recognized it was the right choice after I told him it's what I wanted. It's very hard for him and I understand -- no one wants their relationship with their sibling to get to this point. But for us, a critical factor is that we would never allow an unrelated person who behaved this way to stay in our home. It wouldn't even be a question. So then you ask, why does the fact that this person is a relative change that? How does the relationship change the safety concerns? It doesn't. So there's your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few beers a day? Over what amount of time? Is he a big guy? Does he get drunk or do you just not like the consumption of alcohol? What kind of relationship do you have with him?

Some people can drink that much and be fine. I have an amazing friend who can drink a bottle of wine at dinner by herself and be totally fine. Her liver is incredible! If your BIL drinks around your kids but otherwise behaves, then that opens up good conversations for you to have with the kids. And you and your DH have to make a joint decision based on being parents, not based on his love for his brother or some idea of respect for his mother.

If your friend drinks a bottle of wine on her own regularly and is "totally fine" she is an alcoholic. I have a friend like this too. He is an alcoholic. He has attempted to scale back his drinking multiple times but cannot function with just a little bit of alcohol. It's the very fact that he can drink an entire bottle of wine and not even seem visibly inebriated that is the problem.

And no, someone like this does not have an "incredible" liver, unless you think advanced steatosis, cirrhosis, and inflammation are "incredible."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does excess drinking mean to you? A couple of beers or falling down drunk? That said, it’s your house. Good luck.

A few beers a day, high functioning. I still don't want that around my kids.

Sounds like you're using this as an excuse to stick it to your husband, BIL and MIL.

This doesn't make sense because it's clear OP's dislike of her husband, BIL, and MIL is directly related to the totally dysfunctional behavior they are exhibiting in this incident. BIL has an ongoing and known drinking issue, MIL is trying to force OP to host him even though OP has already said no (it was a bit overreaching to even ask, but one no should suffice), and her husband is caving to pressure from his mom and brother instead of sticking up for his wife and kids. I don't even know these people and I dislike them on OP's behalf. None of that is acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does excess drinking mean to you? A couple of beers or falling down drunk? That said, it’s your house. Good luck.

A few beers a day, high functioning. I still don't want that around my kids.

Sounds like you're using this as an excuse to stick it to your husband, BIL and MIL.

This doesn't make sense because it's clear OP's dislike of her husband, BIL, and MIL is directly related to the totally dysfunctional behavior they are exhibiting in this incident. BIL has an ongoing and known drinking issue, MIL is trying to force OP to host him even though OP has already said no (it was a bit overreaching to even ask, but one no should suffice), and her husband is caving to pressure from his mom and brother instead of sticking up for his wife and kids. I don't even know these people and I dislike them on OP's behalf. None of that is acceptable.

This is what the OP said: "I hate her and my husband most days, So am I wrong?"

She hates them most of the time. Nothing specifically pertaining to BIL.

I'm not saying she's right or wrong, just that her judgment is clouded by her hatred of these people. Then when she added that BIL drinks a few beers a day, it is impossible to know based on that if he is or is not an alcoholic. And she mentioned nothing about how he behaves. She just doesn't like any of them and doesn't want BIL around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does excess drinking mean to you? A couple of beers or falling down drunk? That said, it’s your house. Good luck.

A few beers a day, high functioning. I still don't want that around my kids.

Sounds like you're using this as an excuse to stick it to your husband, BIL and MIL.

This doesn't make sense because it's clear OP's dislike of her husband, BIL, and MIL is directly related to the totally dysfunctional behavior they are exhibiting in this incident. BIL has an ongoing and known drinking issue, MIL is trying to force OP to host him even though OP has already said no (it was a bit overreaching to even ask, but one no should suffice), and her husband is caving to pressure from his mom and brother instead of sticking up for his wife and kids. I don't even know these people and I dislike them on OP's behalf. None of that is acceptable.

This is what the OP said: "I hate her and my husband most days, So am I wrong?"

She hates them most of the time. Nothing specifically pertaining to BIL.

I'm not saying she's right or wrong, just that her judgment is clouded by her hatred of these people. Then when she added that BIL drinks a few beers a day, it is impossible to know based on that if he is or is not an alcoholic. And she mentioned nothing about how he behaves. She just doesn't like any of them and doesn't want BIL around.

No adult should ask another adult to host anyone ever. I feel very strongly about this. If someone wants to host they will volunteer to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anytime someone asks you to host someone else in your home for that long a period of time, when you have kids in the house (aka you are busy and already have mouths to feed and people to cater to), is being rude. It would be one thing if BIL were coming to visit YOU, and asked YOU if next month would be an ok time for a visit, and then asked if he could stay in your guest room for his visit. I mean, he's family. But for a different family member to say "he's visiting us for 10 days, can he stay at YOUR house?" and get mad when you say no? That's ballsy. His drinking is a side bar and I would not have even brought it up. Just, "no, we have a lot going on with work and the kids and it would be a lot of work for me to host BIL for 10 days while he visits you. It is not something we are up to. I am sure he'd be very comfortable on your sofa though since it's your visit with him anyways". Why don't they want him on their sofa? Probably because it's a big imposition! Go figure!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does excess drinking mean to you? A couple of beers or falling down drunk? That said, it’s your house. Good luck.

A few beers a day, high functioning. I still don't want that around my kids.

Sounds like you're using this as an excuse to stick it to your husband, BIL and MIL.

This doesn't make sense because it's clear OP's dislike of her husband, BIL, and MIL is directly related to the totally dysfunctional behavior they are exhibiting in this incident. BIL has an ongoing and known drinking issue, MIL is trying to force OP to host him even though OP has already said no (it was a bit overreaching to even ask, but one no should suffice), and her husband is caving to pressure from his mom and brother instead of sticking up for his wife and kids. I don't even know these people and I dislike them on OP's behalf. None of that is acceptable.

This is what the OP said: "I hate her and my husband most days, So am I wrong?"

She hates them most of the time. Nothing specifically pertaining to BIL.

I'm not saying she's right or wrong, just that her judgment is clouded by her hatred of these people. Then when she added that BIL drinks a few beers a day, it is impossible to know based on that if he is or is not an alcoholic. And she mentioned nothing about how he behaves. She just doesn't like any of them and doesn't want BIL around.

No adult should ask another adult to host anyone ever. I feel very strongly about this. If someone wants to host they will volunteer to do it.

Fine. But OP isn't saying that. She is saying it's because BIL is an alcoholic. But things don't add up. I mean, I don't like people staying with me either. So I get that. But I also don't blame other's for my preference. And I might be overly sensitive to this since I have relatives who find ways to blame everyone else rather than own their decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does excess drinking mean to you? A couple of beers or falling down drunk? That said, it’s your house. Good luck.

A few beers a day, high functioning. I still don't want that around my kids.

Sounds like you're using this as an excuse to stick it to your husband, BIL and MIL.

This doesn't make sense because it's clear OP's dislike of her husband, BIL, and MIL is directly related to the totally dysfunctional behavior they are exhibiting in this incident. BIL has an ongoing and known drinking issue, MIL is trying to force OP to host him even though OP has already said no (it was a bit overreaching to even ask, but one no should suffice), and her husband is caving to pressure from his mom and brother instead of sticking up for his wife and kids. I don't even know these people and I dislike them on OP's behalf. None of that is acceptable.

This is what the OP said: "I hate her and my husband most days, So am I wrong?"

She hates them most of the time. Nothing specifically pertaining to BIL.

I'm not saying she's right or wrong, just that her judgment is clouded by her hatred of these people. Then when she added that BIL drinks a few beers a day, it is impossible to know based on that if he is or is not an alcoholic. And she mentioned nothing about how he behaves. She just doesn't like any of them and doesn't want BIL around.

If she doesn't want him around then she shouldn't host him. Her husband can get together with him at their parents house or elsewhere.

It doesn't actually matter why she doesn't like him, though I tend to believe her that his drinking is at least part of it. I also think her gut is telling her this guy shouldn't be around her kids, and she should trust that instinct. The fact that her husband and MIL are trying to guilt her into hosting a grown man she doesn't like in her home says a lot about how they treat her generally.

OP doesn't owe her BIL anything.

[Anonymous]

Do not give in OP. 4 daughters, full stop, no.

A pp stated,
Also, yes, an inebriated man is much more likely to act inappropriately in front of AND *with* impressionable girls. I have so many of these nightmarish encounters when I was a younger

[Anonymous]

Any drunk relative is a no go! Drunk house guests are always a nightmare! We stopped inviting several of DH’s older relatives over for dinner because they get drunk every single time. They get so obnoxious and think nothing of it. So nope, they don’t get invites, ever.

MIL is trying to force the OP to enable and normalize her loser son’s behavior. It’s a power trip for MIL to force OP’s BIL into
OPs home. It also enables MIL to pretend there is no problem with BIL if she can force OP’s family into appeasing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few beers a day? Over what amount of time? Is he a big guy? Does he get drunk or do you just not like the consumption of alcohol? What kind of relationship do you have with him?

Some people can drink that much and be fine. I have an amazing friend who can drink a bottle of wine at dinner by herself and be totally fine. Her liver is incredible! If your BIL drinks around your kids but otherwise behaves, then that opens up good conversations for you to have with the kids. And you and your DH have to make a joint decision based on being parents, not based on his love for his brother or some idea of respect for his mother.

If your friend drinks an entire bottle of wine at dinner (so, 90 minutes?) and she seems "fine" then she is an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few beers a day? Over what amount of time? Is he a big guy? Does he get drunk or do you just not like the consumption of alcohol? What kind of relationship do you have with him?

Some people can drink that much and be fine. I have an amazing friend who can drink a bottle of wine at dinner by herself and be totally fine. Her liver is incredible! If your BIL drinks around your kids but otherwise behaves, then that opens up good conversations for you to have with the kids. And you and your DH have to make a joint decision based on being parents, not based on his love for his brother or some idea of respect for his mother.

If your friend drinks an entire bottle of wine at dinner (so, 90 minutes?) and she seems "fine" then she is an alcoholic.

Right?? That doesn't mean her liver is "incredible" it means her liver enzymes are probably elevated to clear the alcohol faster, and her nervous system has adapted so that she can appear to have good motor skills, speech, etc despite high BAC. It's not a good thing. It doesn't mean she has superpowers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few beers a day? Over what amount of time? Is he a big guy? Does he get drunk or do you just not like the consumption of alcohol? What kind of relationship do you have with him?

Some people can drink that much and be fine. I have an amazing friend who can drink a bottle of wine at dinner by herself and be totally fine. Her liver is incredible! If your BIL drinks around your kids but otherwise behaves, then that opens up good conversations for you to have with the kids. And you and your DH have to make a joint decision based on being parents, not based on his love for his brother or some idea of respect for his mother.

If your friend drinks an entire bottle of wine at dinner (so, 90 minutes?) and she seems "fine" then she is an alcoholic.

Right?? That doesn't mean her liver is "incredible" it means her liver enzymes are probably elevated to clear the alcohol faster, and her nervous system has adapted so that she can appear to have good motor skills, speech, etc despite high BAC. It's not a good thing. It doesn't mean she has superpowers.

I agree with this. However, "a few beers a night," which is OP's complaint about her BIL, is very different than that. And I don't think she ever claimed he was an alcoholic, but I may have missed that.

And she never said he was inappropriate with her kids, just said she didn't want him around them. Lots of people are filling in the blanks/projecting here.