Am I wrong for refusing to host BIL?

[Anonymous]

Without more, I don't think "a few beers a day" constitutes excessive drinking. If there's no bad behavior associated with it, OP seems to be using "excessive" drinking as an excuse for some other reason not to host the BIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My single BIL lives several states away, and he's coming into town for a week to visit my in-laws. My husband's mother asked us to allow him to stay in one of our guest rooms. I said that wouldn't be an option, and explicitly told him the reason and now my husband thinks I'm disrespecting her and his brother.

The reason for the refusal is due to his excess drinking, and I do not want him staying in my home. I have four girls, middle school age and under, and do not want a man like that, around my children, and they know that, and they seem to be trying to guilt trip me.

I hate her and my husband most days, So am I wrong?

You are not wrong for protecting your children. I would do the same.

But you seem to have much bigger issues at stake if you hate your husband?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not wrong. But I also understand that they are offended at the implication he's dangerous to your daughters. You are being disrespectful to his brother. You don't respect him. With good reason. It's a fight worth having but I'm sorry you're in that situation.

All of this. You're not wrong but that doesn't mean you're going to win because that's not how these situations work. I mean, you should win that he stays out of your house (or you take your girls elsewhere during that time), but you're not going to win in that they will never agree with you.

[Anonymous]

You are not wrong. You didn’t invite him. You must put your children and their safety first at all times. End of story

[Anonymous]

OP needs a better excuse than 'he drinks a few beers a day'.
That does not soubd like alcoholism.

[Anonymous]

A few beers a day? Over what amount of time? Is he a big guy? Does he get drunk or do you just not like the consumption of alcohol? What kind of relationship do you have with him?

Some people can drink that much and be fine. I have an amazing friend who can drink a bottle of wine at dinner by herself and be totally fine. Her liver is incredible! If your BIL drinks around your kids but otherwise behaves, then that opens up good conversations for you to have with the kids. And you and your DH have to make a joint decision based on being parents, not based on his love for his brother or some idea of respect for his mother.

[Anonymous]

If you already said no, you have to now stick to your guns. Otherwise you'll be manipulated from now on for all kinds of reasons. I get you. Your in-laws don't take no for an answer. That's not your problem. Don't let them guilt trip you! That said, a few beers a day is normally not a problem, many guys can pull that off without doing anything outrageous. But if he comes there to drink with your DH, it's annoying and not "family time".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does excess drinking mean to you? A couple of beers or falling down drunk? That said, it’s your house. Good luck.

A few beers a day, high functioning. I still don't want that around my kids.

Sounds like you're using this as an excuse to stick it to your husband, BIL and MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does excess drinking mean to you? A couple of beers or falling down drunk? That said, it’s your house. Good luck.

A few beers a day, high functioning. I still don't want that around my kids.

A few beers a day I think you are being unreasonable. Why can’t he stay in a hotel or with his parents?

[Anonymous]

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohols-effects-health/alcohol-drinking-patterns

Heavy Drinking is a perfectly fine reason to keep someone out of your house for an extended stay. Recommend a hotel nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he stay with his parents?

In-laws moved into a smaller home so they have no space, but he can just stay in a hotel.My MIL is pretty entitled, and thinks it's good family time for him to spend time in our house.

OP you are right. MIL is wrong. Stand your ground.

I had an Alcoholic SIL she passed away last year from alcohol abuse. Believe me when I say you do not want him staying over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he stay with his parents?

In-laws moved into a smaller home so they have no space, but he can just stay in a hotel.My MIL is pretty entitled, and thinks it's good family time for him to spend time in our house.

Do they have a couch? It makes no sense for him not to stay with his parents if they have a couch. They are the ones inviting him and should not be foisting him onto you.

[Anonymous]

If he's visiting your inlaws he can stay with your inlaws? Why on earth would he stay with you?

I'd tell my husband that if his alcoholic brothers feefees are more important than our children's safety he can f*** right off with BIL.

[Anonymous]

Please read "It's Not You" -- it saved my life from similar situations. It's NOT you.

Also, yes, an inebriated man is much more likely to act inappropriately in front of AND *with* impressionable girls. I have so many of these nightmarish encounters when I was a younger -- please stand your ground. Your instincts are RIGHT -- even if you cannot explain them or have proof. They are maternal instincts placed there for a reason to protect you and your children.

Plus, hello, it is YOUR home. Even if he was a nice guy, you have a right not to have to host people. DUH!

I must wonder if your husband was/is a victim of his mom. Start with this book -- do not share it with him at first until you know if he'll be receptive (the book says this -- otherwise, he and his mom can twist it against you). He could be the golden child and the brother could be the scapegoat (both why he drinks and why the mom won't host him).

[Anonymous]

Not wrong to not allow other adults to be drinking when staying at your home. Even without children but no brainer with children.