Am I wrong for refusing to host BIL?
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Anonymous
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My single BIL lives several states away, and he's coming into town for a week to visit my in-laws. My husband's mother asked us to allow him to stay in one of our guest rooms. I said that wouldn't be an option, and explicitly told him the reason and now my husband thinks I'm disrespecting her and his brother.
The reason for the refusal is due to his excess drinking, and I do not want him staying in my home. I have four girls, middle school age and under, and do not want a man like that, around my children, and they know that, and they seem to be trying to guilt trip me. I hate her and my husband most days, So am I wrong? |
Anonymous
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Sounds like you have bigger problems than your BIL staying overnight.
With that said, alcoholism is, in many ways, a family disease. Your husband and his parents are in denial, may be co-dependent, etc. You can’t change them but Al-Anon can help you. And, setting healthy boundaries (no, BIL can’t stay with us) and sticking to them is also a good idea. Why doesn’t BIL stay with his parents? A hotel? |
Anonymous
| No, you’re not wrong. I think your real problem is the last sentence where you say you hate your husband, though. You should probably do something about that. |
Anonymous
| You're not wrong. But I also understand that they are offended at the implication he's dangerous to your daughters. You are being disrespectful to his brother. You don't respect him. With good reason. It's a fight worth having but I'm sorry you're in that situation. |
Anonymous
| You are not wrong. There will be a rift but that's the way the bottle rolls. |
Anonymous
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I love all my BILs, and moved heaven and earth to host my oldest BIL one time in our tiny, unprepared house. I hope he wasn't too uncomfortable. But then none of them had addiction issues or were in any way a threat to my children.
You do not describe the extent of the alcohol problem, OP. In no way should you swayed by other relatives who are prejudiced. However you need to make a decision based on facts: how often does he become drunk? Is he threatening when drunk? How sure are you that he will become threatening in your home? |
Anonymous
| ^^^ tell me you don't know anything about alcoholism... |
Anonymous
| I think it's fine. I have a df who I will no longer host at our vacation home after he pulled a two-day bender on a visit and things got pretty ugly. My DCs witnessed it, it upset them, and I will never put them in that position again. |
Anonymous
| What does excess drinking mean to you? A couple of beers or falling down drunk? That said, it’s your house. Good luck. |
Anonymous
A few beers a day, high functioning. I still don't want that around my kids. |
Anonymous
| Why can't he stay with his parents? |
Anonymous
That doesn't make him an alcoholic. Before anyone accuses me of being one, I don't drink at all since i come from a family with addiction issues. I think your real issue is that you hate your husband and MIL. And probably your BIL. |
Anonymous
In-laws moved into a smaller home so they have no space, but he can just stay in a hotel.My MIL is pretty entitled, and thinks it's good family time for him to spend time in our house. |
Anonymous
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Use your words.
"As BIL is an alcoholic I don't want him around the children while he is day drinking. He will not be able to stay at our house." Say your piece then put it out of your mind. You also might want to check out some AlAnon meetings for you. |
Anonymous
+1 And also, is this man an actual threat to your daughters? Or do you just not want them to witness drinking at all? There are pedophiles and creeps who are drunks and there are pedophiles who are completely and totally sober. Beers don't necessarily = pedophile. |