Adult Failure to Launch DD Stealing from Me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just ask her for the money back? Why was she allowed to use a credit card if it has the wrong name?

We already asked her for the money back, but she obviously refused. She had written down my credit card information on a slip of paper last year and apparently had it saved for "emergencies like this."

Your credit card company should issue you a new cc once you report a fraudulent charge with them.

[Anonymous]

OP the credit card company should work with you.

[Anonymous]

How did your kid not come to you and ask for help? Only you know it. Mine knows to ask for help, before he fall behind with bills or complicates life further.
If she was a barista once, she can get another barista job like yesterday. Same with working in a restaurant.
Don't bother the police with your problems. This is for you to fix. How do you not feel like this is what you get for your parenting. Something went wrong somewhere.
How did you not get a notification the minute a card was charged or used?
Cards are how you keep tabs on kids if they insist on using them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she just graduated, didn't find a job in her field but did find one as a barista, held that job for many months and just lost it. She doesn't seem like failure to launch to me and more in a panic about how to not be on the street due to job loss...

+1 show some compassion. Not any easy encounter to find starting jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm getting evil step-mother vibes.

Why? I'm a mom, not a stepmom, and I would be sooooooo mad if my kids spent $4000 on my credit card without my permission. That is stealing.

For rent? After getting laid off? You guys are cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a mid 20s Barista who uses that job (and another part time job) to pay his life expenses while in school. He is a late starter due to mental health issues. I say this just to let people know that it is really hard to lose a job as a Barista. It's not a popular or well paying job and it takes a lot of training to become proficient. So employers tolerate a lot. I think it's only fair that other posters realize that OP's child likely does have issues beyond stealing if she can't hold onto a job that is hard to lose.

As far as what to do, I get that you are angry. But, if you involve the police, the result will be a police record. The only thing they can do is press charges for stealing. And, since you gave her the credit card at some point to use, it's not so clear cut that she did commit a crime. It will be her word that she had permission to use against yours that she did not. Even if you are believed, all you do is create a record for her which will follow her for a very long time, if not forever, and make adulting all that much harder for her.

I think those who said to report your card stolen and get a new one are right. But I'd go further. Sometimes credit card companies will honor cards that they shut down so I may completely conclude my business relationship with the credit card company or, at the very least, report that there are no other authorized users on the account. I'd discuss the problem with your credit card company and see exactly what they offer in this regard.

One other thing. Capital One messages me every single time my credit card is used. If that service is available to you, I'd opt in. That way if it's not something you did or authorized, you can stop it immediately and you won't lose the money. I'm sure other banks have a similar service, but I don't know because I'm a long term Capital One customer.

Then you should have some sympathy for this young adult. My husband has autism and a high IQ. He has a terminal degree, a lot of expertise, and yet he's been let go, politely, from several positions because he struggles with communication and productivity. He turns out a perfect work product. But he's a perfectionist, so it's often late, for example, which doesn't make clients happy, and he doesn't click socially with other people in the office. There are many reasons why someone with issues might find it hard to keep a job.

OP's attitude is disheartening. She sounds like she hates her child. I find that very problematic and probably why the young adult couldn't trust her enough and ended up going behind her back. OP doesn't sound like she's capable of introspection and an objective assessment of her responsibilities here.

[Anonymous]

Forget failure to launch and all the blather.
Yes, she stole from you. She may do it again. But if you call the police it will damage her ability to get good jobs in the future.
1) Call every credit card issuer you have NOW. Even ones tucked away. "Security" is what you want in the phone menu. Get them changed. See if there are any charges you don't recognize.
2) Get her removed as authorized user on any.
3) Would she have found your bank login info? ATM card? Call bank and get new ones.
4) Change your account passwords.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a mid 20s Barista who uses that job (and another part time job) to pay his life expenses while in school. He is a late starter due to mental health issues. I say this just to let people know that it is really hard to lose a job as a Barista. It's not a popular or well paying job and it takes a lot of training to become proficient. So employers tolerate a lot. I think it's only fair that other posters realize that OP's child likely does have issues beyond stealing if she can't hold onto a job that is hard to lose.

As far as what to do, I get that you are angry. But, if you involve the police, the result will be a police record. The only thing they can do is press charges for stealing. And, since you gave her the credit card at some point to use, it's not so clear cut that she did commit a crime. It will be her word that she had permission to use against yours that she did not. Even if you are believed, all you do is create a record for her which will follow her for a very long time, if not forever, and make adulting all that much harder for her.

I think those who said to report your card stolen and get a new one are right. But I'd go further. Sometimes credit card companies will honor cards that they shut down so I may completely conclude my business relationship with the credit card company or, at the very least, report that there are no other authorized users on the account. I'd discuss the problem with your credit card company and see exactly what they offer in this regard.

One other thing. Capital One messages me every single time my credit card is used. If that service is available to you, I'd opt in. That way if it's not something you did or authorized, you can stop it immediately and you won't lose the money. I'm sure other banks have a similar service, but I don't know because I'm a long term Capital One customer.

Then you should have some sympathy for this young adult. My husband has autism and a high IQ. He has a terminal degree, a lot of expertise, and yet he's been let go, politely, from several positions because he struggles with communication and productivity. He turns out a perfect work product. But he's a perfectionist, so it's often late, for example, which doesn't make clients happy, and he doesn't click socially with other people in the office. There are many reasons why someone with issues might find it hard to keep a job.

OP's attitude is disheartening. She sounds like she hates her child. I find that very problematic and probably why the young adult couldn't trust her enough and ended up going behind her back. OP doesn't sound like she's capable of introspection and an objective assessment of her responsibilities here.

ANd that's exactly why so many of us had such a strong reaction to her post. Plus she inaccurately described her daughter to make her look like a loser. None of us think stealing from your parents is ok, of course. But even if they did, I dont think many of us would use the same language to malign them the way OP does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just report all your cards as stolen and get new cards. If she's an authorized user on any cards, cut that off. Not much to be done about the money already spent but you need to cut everything else off.

This. Except just say it was lost. I dont think it could happen again and it makes sense she did this after losing a job. Doesn't seem like it will happen again.

[Anonymous]

Newsflash! Cancel the card.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No, we NEVER gave her permission to use our credit card. We weren't even aware that she knew the CC number until now, but apparently she wrote down my CC number when she was back home from winter break last year without me noticing. See how much of a sneaky, entitled person she is?

Re: college. She was an English major at a SLAC known for entitled, whiny students (similar to Oberlin/Wesleyan). She started off as pre-med/Bio at an HYPS school, but she left the school after her freshman year due to "mental health issues" (which I now realize are just depression and loneliness due to how insufferable she is to be around). She took 1 year off of college back in 2021 and then transferred to this progressive SLAC (similar in rankings/political reputation to an Oberlin/Vassar type school) because she wanted to "pursue her creative ambitions."

She lives with a college friend in a different part of the country, and pays $600/month in rent. She Venmo'd the person $3k from MY bank account (the audacity!) because she wanted to "front-load" rent for January-May. Insane.

She wants to use the extra $1k for Delta plane tickets to visit her FRIEND's FAMILY (not us, but her roommate's parents!) over winter break because "she never wants to see us again." This is despite the fact that she's 23 and on our health insurance and phone plan. Insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is a failure to launch. She graduated college back in May and has been unemployed since then. I found out last week that she stole $4k from us (she doesn't live with us, she pays rent in another city) because we found that our credit card had been venmo'd to her roommate for rent money, and we saw that she spent $1k on Delta plane tickets.

HELP! We tried to file a fraudulent dispute claim with the company, but I'm not sure if it'll work out. Should we file a police report against her so she doesn't pull this insanity again?

Call the police. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is a failure to launch. She graduated college back in May and has been unemployed since then. I found out last week that she stole $4k from us (she doesn't live with us, she pays rent in another city) because we found that our credit card had been venmo'd to her roommate for rent money, and we saw that she spent $1k on Delta plane tickets.

HELP! We tried to file a fraudulent dispute claim with the company, but I'm not sure if it'll work out. Should we file a police report against her so she doesn't pull this insanity again?

Call the police. Problem solved.

OP here. We called the police but it's hard to press charges against her; she's currently claiming that we gave her "verbal permission to use our card" when that's not the case. So it's essentially our word vs. hers, which hopefully a lawyer will resolve (but still hard).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No, we NEVER gave her permission to use our credit card. We weren't even aware that she knew the CC number until now, but apparently she wrote down my CC number when she was back home from winter break last year without me noticing. See how much of a sneaky, entitled person she is?

Re: college. She was an English major at a SLAC known for entitled, whiny students (similar to Oberlin/Wesleyan). She started off as pre-med/Bio at an HYPS school, but she left the school after her freshman year due to "mental health issues" (which I now realize are just depression and loneliness due to how insufferable she is to be around). She took 1 year off of college back in 2021 and then transferred to this progressive SLAC (similar in rankings/political reputation to an Oberlin/Vassar type school) because she wanted to "pursue her creative ambitions."

She lives with a college friend in a different part of the country, and pays $600/month in rent. She Venmo'd the person $3k from MY bank account (the audacity!) because she wanted to "front-load" rent for January-May. Insane.

She wants to use the extra $1k for Delta plane tickets to visit her FRIEND's FAMILY (not us, but her roommate's parents!) over winter break because "she never wants to see us again." This is despite the fact that she's 23 and on our health insurance and phone plan. Insane.

Thank you for answering, that helps paint a more detailed picture, and I think I remember another post from you about the challenges you’ve been having — and ultimately, that your DD is struggling with. Cumulatively, it sounds incredibly stressful, and I’m sure by now you’re at your wit’s end.

If you haven’t yet spoken with an individual therapist for yourself, it might be worth considering a few sessions, given your daughter’s current behavior. While it sounds like you have a plan for dealing with this latest issue, a therapist can be a strong resource and support for yourself, and potentially make some recommendations for communicating your limits (even more) clearly and firmly with DD.

Best to you.