Adult Failure to Launch DD Stealing from Me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not enable your daughter OP. We have a similar child in our family. She lies, cheats, and steals constantly. It sounds like you gave her a solid upbringing and she still failed to launch. You need to take steps to disentangle yourself from her. Don’t become estranged but do not financially support her or allow her to move back home.

What in OP's post gave you this imaginary idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Guys, no need to respond. This is a troll. They started another thread on the same subject.

I am not a troll. I started another thread because this one was getting one-sided opinions (and not a lot of engagement). I'm fine with the other thread being deleted.

OP - Most people cannot walk on your shoes and understand you... Trust me, I know.

We have a son who is in College right now and he's terrible managing money. I had to change my credit card 3 times already, because he gets a hold of it and swipes it like it's free money.
This has been going on for years and still doesn't learn. We have stop giving him things as a consequence so he gets jobs but then gets fired (never his fault).

Don't get me wrong, he's a sweet, charming boy, gets decent grades but always has his own agenda... It's been YEARS of ups and downs since he was 13.

At this point, we just want for him to get a degree and finish College....Then after that, we're DONE. Done, Done.

He's gone to therapy (because we made him/not because he though he needed it) but he says is boring and pointless. He has switched therapist 3 times because he found them inept. One time laughing he told me he lies to the therapist and they believe him... He says they are "gullible".

We've had MANY conversations and expectations but he just hates rules. I've SO MANY sleepless nights and anxiety thinking about him...

I think you and your daughter need a break from each other.... A break that might turn into years. No one needs a toxic family member in their lives whether is your mom or your daughter...

PS: I would have not gone to the police though. I would have simply change all my credit cards (again).


You all just need time apart to heal...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Guys, no need to respond. This is a troll. They started another thread on the same subject.

I am not a troll. I started another thread because this one was getting one-sided opinions (and not a lot of engagement). I'm fine with the other thread being deleted.

OP - Most people cannot walk on your shoes and understand you... Trust me, I know.

We have a son who is in College right now and he's terrible managing money. I had to change my credit card 3 times already, because he gets a hold of it and swipes it like it's free money.
This has been going on for years and still doesn't learn. We have stop giving him things as a consequence so he gets jobs but then gets fired (never his fault).

Don't get me wrong, he's a sweet, charming boy, gets decent grades but always has his own agenda... It's been YEARS of ups and downs since he was 13.

At this point, we just want for him to get a degree and finish College....Then after that, we're DONE. Done, Done.

He's gone to therapy (because we made him/not because he though he needed it) but he says is boring and pointless. He has switched therapist 3 times because he found them inept. One time laughing he told me he lies to the therapist and they believe him... He says they are "gullible".

We've had MANY conversations and expectations but he just hates rules. I've SO MANY sleepless nights and anxiety thinking about him...

I think you and your daughter need a break from each other.... A break that might turn into years. No one needs a toxic family member in their lives whether is your mom or your daughter...

PS: I would have not gone to the police though. I would have simply change all my credit cards (again).


You all just need time apart to heal...

But OP has not described any of the stuff you're going through with your son. Apparently this is the first time her child has ever stolen from her. Not all theft comes from sociopathic tendencies. You also speak of your son in balanced terms, which OP does not. OP really seems like the problem here, whereas you seem to have struggled with someone who doesn't have a moral compass.

[Anonymous]

It's always validating when OPs come back to confirm my initial assessment, which is that OP is a horrible person and a horrible parent and hates her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's always validating when OPs come back to confirm my initial assessment, which is that OP is a horrible person and a horrible parent and hates her child.

I don’t think OP hates her child. I think she and her daughter developed a pattern of triggering each other emotionally over time, which is different. DD’s current choices are untenable for OP and her spouse, putting them in a challenging position, pragmatically and emotionally.

OP can’t change her young adult daughter, but OP’s having her own therapist — just for herself — could be so helpful to review these long-standing dynamics, consider what options will work best moving forward, and also to address her own feelings, which have to be so stressful right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always validating when OPs come back to confirm my initial assessment, which is that OP is a horrible person and a horrible parent and hates her child.

I don’t think OP hates her child. I think she and her daughter developed a pattern of triggering each other emotionally over time, which is different. DD’s current choices are untenable for OP and her spouse, putting them in a challenging position, pragmatically and emotionally.

OP can’t change her young adult daughter, but OP’s having her own therapist — just for herself — could be so helpful to review these long-standing dynamics, consider what options will work best moving forward, and also to address her own feelings, which have to be so stressful right now.

Oh please. Did you read her update? It's disgusting.

[Anonymous]

We don't approve of adults kids moving in but you can support them with rent if first job wasn't paying enough to survive in HCOL area. Living in that area can pay off with future opportunities in their field, which weren't likely to come if they were living with you to save rent. You do what you gotta do if you can to get them on professional track instead of doing random gigs to pay off rent. Your goal is long term success not short term solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Guys, no need to respond. This is a troll. They started another thread on the same subject.

I am not a troll. I started another thread because this one was getting one-sided opinions (and not a lot of engagement). I'm fine with the other thread being deleted.

OP - Most people cannot walk on your shoes and understand you... Trust me, I know.

We have a son who is in College right now and he's terrible managing money. I had to change my credit card 3 times already, because he gets a hold of it and swipes it like it's free money.
This has been going on for years and still doesn't learn. We have stop giving him things as a consequence so he gets jobs but then gets fired (never his fault).

Don't get me wrong, he's a sweet, charming boy, gets decent grades but always has his own agenda... It's been YEARS of ups and downs since he was 13.

At this point, we just want for him to get a degree and finish College....Then after that, we're DONE. Done, Done.

He's gone to therapy (because we made him/not because he though he needed it) but he says is boring and pointless. He has switched therapist 3 times because he found them inept. One time laughing he told me he lies to the therapist and they believe him... He says they are "gullible".

We've had MANY conversations and expectations but he just hates rules. I've SO MANY sleepless nights and anxiety thinking about him...

I think you and your daughter need a break from each other.... A break that might turn into years. No one needs a toxic family member in their lives whether is your mom or your daughter...

PS: I would have not gone to the police though. I would have simply change all my credit cards (again).


You all just need time apart to heal...

But OP has not described any of the stuff you're going through with your son. Apparently this is the first time her child has ever stolen from her. Not all theft comes from sociopathic tendencies. You also speak of your son in balanced terms, which OP does not. OP really seems like the problem here, whereas you seem to have struggled with someone who doesn't have a moral compass.

OP here. That's absurd. All theft is sociopathic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't approve of adults kids moving in but you can support them with rent if first job wasn't paying enough to survive in HCOL area. Living in that area can pay off with future opportunities in their field, which weren't likely to come if they were living with you to save rent. You do what you gotta do if you can to get them on professional track instead of doing random gigs to pay off rent. Your goal is long term success not short term solution.

OP here. Maybe that works for some adult children who are resilient, practical, and grounded, but definitely not my daughter. She's totally deluded and immature -- not to mention insanely selfish. I mean, FFS, she got fired from a barista job. Insane.

Besides, if I were to give DD help with rent money and living expenses, I know for a fact what she would do. She would keep applying to writing conferences for her narcissistic, navel-gazing poetry about her "childhood trauma" (the fact that this BS is getting rewarded from the art world is insane, to me). So basically we would be funding her to talk crap about me and (especially) DH. I'm not a fan of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always validating when OPs come back to confirm my initial assessment, which is that OP is a horrible person and a horrible parent and hates her child.

I don’t think OP hates her child. I think she and her daughter developed a pattern of triggering each other emotionally over time, which is different. DD’s current choices are untenable for OP and her spouse, putting them in a challenging position, pragmatically and emotionally.

OP can’t change her young adult daughter, but OP’s having her own therapist — just for herself — could be so helpful to review these long-standing dynamics, consider what options will work best moving forward, and also to address her own feelings, which have to be so stressful right now.

OP here. That's pretty accurate. She knows EXACTLY what buttons to press to annoy me and DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always validating when OPs come back to confirm my initial assessment, which is that OP is a horrible person and a horrible parent and hates her child.

I don’t think OP hates her child. I think she and her daughter developed a pattern of triggering each other emotionally over time, which is different. DD’s current choices are untenable for OP and her spouse, putting them in a challenging position, pragmatically and emotionally.

OP can’t change her young adult daughter, but OP’s having her own therapist — just for herself — could be so helpful to review these long-standing dynamics, consider what options will work best moving forward, and also to address her own feelings, which have to be so stressful right now.

Oh please. Did you read her update? It's disgusting.

OP here. You can insult me all you want, but the fact is, my DS is the total opposite of DD -- kind, generous, grateful, and self-sufficient (he works in tech in SF). He is the total opposite of DD and secretly rolls his eyes at her navel-gazing, narcissistic, "art."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't approve of adults kids moving in but you can support them with rent if first job wasn't paying enough to survive in HCOL area. Living in that area can pay off with future opportunities in their field, which weren't likely to come if they were living with you to save rent. You do what you gotta do if you can to get them on professional track instead of doing random gigs to pay off rent. Your goal is long term success not short term solution.

OP here. Maybe that works for some adult children who are resilient, practical, and grounded, but definitely not my daughter. She's totally deluded and immature -- not to mention insanely selfish. I mean, FFS, she got fired from a barista job. Insane.

Besides, if I were to give DD help with rent money and living expenses, I know for a fact what she would do. She would keep applying to writing conferences for her narcissistic, navel-gazing poetry about her "childhood trauma" (the fact that this BS is getting rewarded from the art world is insane, to me). So basically we would be funding her to talk crap about me and (especially) DH. I'm not a fan of that.

People don't become entitled and selfish on their own..
You also did something for her to believe that she has childhood trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't approve of adults kids moving in but you can support them with rent if first job wasn't paying enough to survive in HCOL area. Living in that area can pay off with future opportunities in their field, which weren't likely to come if they were living with you to save rent. You do what you gotta do if you can to get them on professional track instead of doing random gigs to pay off rent. Your goal is long term success not short term solution.

OP here. Maybe that works for some adult children who are resilient, practical, and grounded, but definitely not my daughter. She's totally deluded and immature -- not to mention insanely selfish. I mean, FFS, she got fired from a barista job. Insane.

Besides, if I were to give DD help with rent money and living expenses, I know for a fact what she would do. She would keep applying to writing conferences for her narcissistic, navel-gazing poetry about her "childhood trauma" (the fact that this BS is getting rewarded from the art world is insane, to me). So basically we would be funding her to talk crap about me and (especially) DH. I'm not a fan of that.

People don't become entitled and selfish on their own..
You also did something for her to believe that she has childhood trauma.

The events she brings up as "childhood trauma" are so minor that no sane person (including my DS) sees them as a problem.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm back with an update. We filed a police charge yesterday and spoke with a lawyer. Unfortunately, the lawyer mentioned that because this is DD's first (and hopefully only!) criminal charge, they most likely won't arrest her and will instead mail her a court summons. They'll make her pay us back and do community service, but the odds of her getting charged with a felony are pretty unlikely (a misdemeanor is more likely).

The lawyer also mentioned that because she can lie that we gave her verbal permission to use our CC, we're in a difficult place defense-wise.

[Anonymous]

Cancel all credit cards you have with her and lock them up while she's around.