Adult Failure to Launch DD Stealing from Me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a family matter not a police matter. Not being able to find a stable job some months after graduation is NOT failure to launch. I am so glad I didn't have parents like you.

It sounds like you can’t stand her.

How sad for a young adult trying to make her start in the world.

You are likely to drive her to someone who will exploit her desperation.

[Anonymous]

Guys, no need to respond. This is a troll. They started another thread on the same subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No, we NEVER gave her permission to use our credit card. We weren't even aware that she knew the CC number until now, but apparently she wrote down my CC number when she was back home from winter break last year without me noticing. See how much of a sneaky, entitled person she is?

Re: college. She was an English major at a SLAC known for entitled, whiny students (similar to Oberlin/Wesleyan). She started off as pre-med/Bio at an HYPS school, but she left the school after her freshman year due to "mental health issues" (which I now realize are just depression and loneliness due to how insufferable she is to be around). She took 1 year off of college back in 2021 and then transferred to this progressive SLAC (similar in rankings/political reputation to an Oberlin/Vassar type school) because she wanted to "pursue her creative ambitions."

She lives with a college friend in a different part of the country, and pays $600/month in rent. She Venmo'd the person $3k from MY bank account (the audacity!) because she wanted to "front-load" rent for January-May. Insane.

She wants to use the extra $1k for Delta plane tickets to visit her FRIEND's FAMILY (not us, but her roommate's parents!) over winter break because "she never wants to see us again." This is despite the fact that she's 23 and on our health insurance and phone plan. Insane.

Thank you for answering, that helps paint a more detailed picture, and I think I remember another post from you about the challenges you’ve been having — and ultimately, that your DD is struggling with. Cumulatively, it sounds incredibly stressful, and I’m sure by now you’re at your wit’s end.

If you haven’t yet spoken with an individual therapist for yourself, it might be worth considering a few sessions, given your daughter’s current behavior. While it sounds like you have a plan for dealing with this latest issue, a therapist can be a strong resource and support for yourself, and potentially make some recommendations for communicating your limits (even more) clearly and firmly with DD.

Best to you.

OP here. I've been in WAY too many therapy sessions (family therapy was required in the DBT program my daughter was in). It was actively harmful.

What I struggle with in terms of therapy (whether that’s DD’s individual therapist or a family therapist) is that there isn’t any focus on RESILIENCE. Like there’s no emphasis on the fact that living with family means that you need to tolerate some things about others that are unpleasant. It’s all just focusing on what we’re doing wrong as parents, and I don’t like that therapists don’t acknowledge that a parent-child relationship is a two-way street.

For example, we made college funding for DD contingent on going to a local church every Sunday. We told her that if she didn’t go to church (and we could check using Life360), we wouldn’t pay her tuition. The family therapist kept trying to get us to drop this requirement, but we told her that because DD is financially dependent on us, she needs to play by OUR rules. There’s just no acknowledgement of what WE want as parents.

When DD was in the intensive DBT program a couple of years ago, we were told to always “validate” whatever crazy BS she said. The problem is that anxiety and depression, by their nature, cause distortions of thinking. Therapy used to be about challenging these distortions and helping people see relationships, etc. clearly. Now, therapists sit in a bubble and hear only the patient’s assertions and expects the world to mold around those. It is fine to try to understand where someone is coming from, but making my daughter feel that only her perceptions and feelings are legitimate is a recipe for problems.

My daughter also has zero appreciation for my strengths as a parent (which are many!), and dwells upon minor indignations she feels she suffered as a child. I walk on eggshells, because when they are older you only see them at the kid’s discretion. We talk once a week on the phone. I wish I could call her more often (keep in mind she’s on OUR phone plan and we pay for everything including her phone), but she says she “doesn’t want to call us more because she hates hearing the sound of our voice.” I don’t even think she realized how painful that statement was to hear.

I think the therapy fed into her self-absorbent, and she began ranting to us about how we “weren’t meeting her emotional needs” because we did a few things in her childhood that made her angry, even though we were paying for her ENTIRE college tuition + room and board. Apparently the DBT therapist told DD that we have a “dysfunctional family.”

When I asked him why he thought this was the case (our family is loving and warm, as are most families where the parents are paying for the kid’s college), the DBT therapist told us that he can’t tell us that much due to HIPPA release, but that “EVERYONE has a role to play in the family dysfunction.” When I asked DD’s therapist to give us specific examples of ways that we’ve allegedly “fed into this family dysfunction”, her therapist simply responded that he can’t say anymore due to HIPPA violations. You can’t claim that we’re responsible for family dysfunction and then not tell us why… because the obvious answer is that DH and I were objectively amazing parents.

I have a DS (2 years older than DD), and he's the total opposite of DD. Grateful, appreciative, kind, and totally self-sufficient (he works in a tech job in SF).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


Guys, no need to respond. This is a troll. They started another thread on the same subject.

I am not a troll. I started another thread because this one was getting one-sided opinions (and not a lot of engagement). I'm fine with the other thread being deleted.

[Anonymous]

OP I was very sympathetic. Gave instructions on how to lock her out of your finances.
Then I come back and read your posts full on contempt for her college, your daughter. Your ""love" seems to be paying for her college, her phone... transactional not emotional. Then tying that to tracked church attendance.
You are not a good parent. You are a strings attached conditional ATM. I am glad one kid managed to escape your purse strings.
I am now team stealing daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No, we NEVER gave her permission to use our credit card. We weren't even aware that she knew the CC number until now, but apparently she wrote down my CC number when she was back home from winter break last year without me noticing. See how much of a sneaky, entitled person she is?

Re: college. She was an English major at a SLAC known for entitled, whiny students (similar to Oberlin/Wesleyan). She started off as pre-med/Bio at an HYPS school, but she left the school after her freshman year due to "mental health issues" (which I now realize are just depression and loneliness due to how insufferable she is to be around). She took 1 year off of college back in 2021 and then transferred to this progressive SLAC (similar in rankings/political reputation to an Oberlin/Vassar type school) because she wanted to "pursue her creative ambitions."

She lives with a college friend in a different part of the country, and pays $600/month in rent. She Venmo'd the person $3k from MY bank account (the audacity!) because she wanted to "front-load" rent for January-May. Insane.

She wants to use the extra $1k for Delta plane tickets to visit her FRIEND's FAMILY (not us, but her roommate's parents!) over winter break because "she never wants to see us again." This is despite the fact that she's 23 and on our health insurance and phone plan. Insane.

Thank you for answering, that helps paint a more detailed picture, and I think I remember another post from you about the challenges you’ve been having — and ultimately, that your DD is struggling with. Cumulatively, it sounds incredibly stressful, and I’m sure by now you’re at your wit’s end.

If you haven’t yet spoken with an individual therapist for yourself, it might be worth considering a few sessions, given your daughter’s current behavior. While it sounds like you have a plan for dealing with this latest issue, a therapist can be a strong resource and support for yourself, and potentially make some recommendations for communicating your limits (even more) clearly and firmly with DD.

Best to you.

OP here. I've been in WAY too many therapy sessions (family therapy was required in the DBT program my daughter was in). It was actively harmful.

What I struggle with in terms of therapy (whether that’s DD’s individual therapist or a family therapist) is that there isn’t any focus on RESILIENCE. Like there’s no emphasis on the fact that living with family means that you need to tolerate some things about others that are unpleasant. It’s all just focusing on what we’re doing wrong as parents, and I don’t like that therapists don’t acknowledge that a parent-child relationship is a two-way street.

For example, we made college funding for DD contingent on going to a local church every Sunday. We told her that if she didn’t go to church (and we could check using Life360), we wouldn’t pay her tuition. The family therapist kept trying to get us to drop this requirement, but we told her that because DD is financially dependent on us, she needs to play by OUR rules. There’s just no acknowledgement of what WE want as parents.

When DD was in the intensive DBT program a couple of years ago, we were told to always “validate” whatever crazy BS she said. The problem is that anxiety and depression, by their nature, cause distortions of thinking. Therapy used to be about challenging these distortions and helping people see relationships, etc. clearly. Now, therapists sit in a bubble and hear only the patient’s assertions and expects the world to mold around those. It is fine to try to understand where someone is coming from, but making my daughter feel that only her perceptions and feelings are legitimate is a recipe for problems.

My daughter also has zero appreciation for my strengths as a parent (which are many!), and dwells upon minor indignations she feels she suffered as a child. I walk on eggshells, because when they are older you only see them at the kid’s discretion. We talk once a week on the phone. I wish I could call her more often (keep in mind she’s on OUR phone plan and we pay for everything including her phone), but she says she “doesn’t want to call us more because she hates hearing the sound of our voice.” I don’t even think she realized how painful that statement was to hear.

I think the therapy fed into her self-absorbent, and she began ranting to us about how we “weren’t meeting her emotional needs” because we did a few things in her childhood that made her angry, even though we were paying for her ENTIRE college tuition + room and board. Apparently the DBT therapist told DD that we have a “dysfunctional family.”

When I asked him why he thought this was the case (our family is loving and warm, as are most families where the parents are paying for the kid’s college), the DBT therapist told us that he can’t tell us that much due to HIPPA release, but that “EVERYONE has a role to play in the family dysfunction.” When I asked DD’s therapist to give us specific examples of ways that we’ve allegedly “fed into this family dysfunction”, her therapist simply responded that he can’t say anymore due to HIPPA violations. You can’t claim that we’re responsible for family dysfunction and then not tell us why… because the obvious answer is that DH and I were objectively amazing parents.

I have a DS (2 years older than DD), and he's the total opposite of DD. Grateful, appreciative, kind, and totally self-sufficient (he works in a tech job in SF).

You are either a troll or a deeply problematic individual. Are you perhaps on the autism spectrum? My children have a transactional relationship with their autistic father, who is just like you. He believes that as long as he provides, he should also be allowed to enforce whatever rules he wants. His children do not like him. They have learned to be polite on the surface when they interact with him, which is different from love. Privately they roll their eyes. He has the relationship he deserves, ie, one entirely devoid of emotional connection, but predicated on money and services rendered. He's not satisfied with the relationships, but he is convinced he's right, everyone else is wrong (he blames me, of course) and he doesn't know how to relate to his kids in an affectionate way.

My son, who is 20, has learned to act visibly grateful for his tuition, his meal plan and anything his father grandly announces to him. My daughter, who is 15, is repulsed by having to pretend, and can't quite hide her contempt of him. He doesn't like that. Perhaps your children exhibit that dynamic.

One thing for sure. My kids will not be running to his bedside when he's old and decrepit. All they want is to be financially independent and free of him forever.

It's useless to ask for introspection from you, OP, so I won't. You'll just live and die with your distorted view of relationships. It would be so nice if you were a troll, but sadly I know your sort exists in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is a failure to launch. She graduated college back in May and has been unemployed since then. I found out last week that she stole $4k from us (she doesn't live with us, she pays rent in another city) because we found that our credit card had been venmo'd to her roommate for rent money, and we saw that she spent $1k on Delta plane tickets.

HELP! We tried to file a fraudulent dispute claim with the company, but I'm not sure if it'll work out. Should we file a police report against her so she doesn't pull this insanity again?

Call the police. Problem solved.

OP here. We called the police but it's hard to press charges against her; she's currently claiming that we gave her "verbal permission to use our card" when that's not the case. So it's essentially our word vs. hers, which hopefully a lawyer will resolve (but still hard).

It’s a felony. She doesn’t have the card. If she bought plane tickets it can be charged federally. It’s always one person’s word vs. another’s. She would be arrested if you pressed charges. Courts sort out the rest.

[Anonymous]

Whats your household income Op?

[Anonymous]

Did this happen in a podunk town?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are right that your child is entitled. What I am curious about is that if she sees her family as so problematic, why is she dependent on them?
She is a college graduate. She can find work and figure out a way to not have to hear your voices anymore if that's what her intention is. You've been enabling this and you've groomed a monster.

[Anonymous]

Do not enable your daughter OP. We have a similar child in our family. She lies, cheats, and steals constantly. It sounds like you gave her a solid upbringing and she still failed to launch. You need to take steps to disentangle yourself from her. Don’t become estranged but do not financially support her or allow her to move back home.

[Anonymous]

which personality disorder do you have, op?

[Anonymous]

Change the locks on your house. Report your credit card stolen. Cease all communication until she pays you back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No, we NEVER gave her permission to use our credit card. We weren't even aware that she knew the CC number until now, but apparently she wrote down my CC number when she was back home from winter break last year without me noticing. See how much of a sneaky, entitled person she is?

Re: college. She was an English major at a SLAC known for entitled, whiny students (similar to Oberlin/Wesleyan). She started off as pre-med/Bio at an HYPS school, but she left the school after her freshman year due to "mental health issues" (which I now realize are just depression and loneliness due to how insufferable she is to be around). She took 1 year off of college back in 2021 and then transferred to this progressive SLAC (similar in rankings/political reputation to an Oberlin/Vassar type school) because she wanted to "pursue her creative ambitions."

She lives with a college friend in a different part of the country, and pays $600/month in rent. She Venmo'd the person $3k from MY bank account (the audacity!) because she wanted to "front-load" rent for January-May. Insane.

She wants to use the extra $1k for Delta plane tickets to visit her FRIEND's FAMILY (not us, but her roommate's parents!) over winter break because "she never wants to see us again." This is despite the fact that she's 23 and on our health insurance and phone plan. Insane.

You sound like you hate her and she isn't failure to launch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a mid 20s Barista who uses that job (and another part time job) to pay his life expenses while in school. He is a late starter due to mental health issues. I say this just to let people know that it is really hard to lose a job as a Barista. It's not a popular or well paying job and it takes a lot of training to become proficient. So employers tolerate a lot. I think it's only fair that other posters realize that OP's child likely does have issues beyond stealing if she can't hold onto a job that is hard to lose.

As far as what to do, I get that you are angry. But, if you involve the police, the result will be a police record. The only thing they can do is press charges for stealing. And, since you gave her the credit card at some point to use, it's not so clear cut that she did commit a crime. It will be her word that she had permission to use against yours that she did not. Even if you are believed, all you do is create a record for her which will follow her for a very long time, if not forever, and make adulting all that much harder for her.

I think those who said to report your card stolen and get a new one are right. But I'd go further. Sometimes credit card companies will honor cards that they shut down so I may completely conclude my business relationship with the credit card company or, at the very least, report that there are no other authorized users on the account. I'd discuss the problem with your credit card company and see exactly what they offer in this regard.

One other thing. Capital One messages me every single time my credit card is used. If that service is available to you, I'd opt in. That way if it's not something you did or authorized, you can stop it immediately and you won't lose the money. I'm sure other banks have a similar service, but I don't know because I'm a long term Capital One customer.

I don't think the bolded is true in this economic climate. Starbucks is closing hundreds of stores and eliminating 900 non-corporate jobs along with thousands of corporate jobs. Those non-corporate jobs would include baristas. If the stores close, unless they need a barista in another location, that barista gets a severance check with a pink slip. I think Dutch Bros and others are doing corporate restructuring and closing locations as well. It was wrong of OP to automatically assume that her daughter lost her employment due to her personality opposed to corporate closing locations due to underperformance or consolidation.
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/09/25/business/starbucks-job-cuts.html
https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2025/09/25/starbucks-closing-stores-cutting-jobs/86341876007/