Responses to sibling's "I'm not taking care of Mom!"
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Anonymous
+1 OP doesn't get a pass just because she has a full time job and a teen. We all have that. You all need to step up, with research, money, etc. Sister is done. |
Anonymous
THIS! But that's not the end of the conversation. Not everyone can be the person who takes on the job your sister did. If no one else is willing or able to provide the type of help your sister did, you need to arrange for your mom's care by hiring an outside party, whether that be part-time help, caregivers at her residence or moving her to an assisted living home. "You" meaning you and your other siblings. Yes, it's expensive. But she needs outside support and if you don't have a family member willing to provide it, then there's ways to arrange it. Source- just did this for our father and father-in-law |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
| Your brothers are jerks and have no idea how hard it is. She can love her mother without wanting to be caretaker all over again. If your brothers care about their mom, they can move her closer to them or move closer to her. Your sister has done her part and it’s time for someone else to step up. Good for her for boundaries and advanced notice to the rest of you. |
Anonymous
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Thanks to all who responded. Mom is not mobile enough to move to Texas (!) but thanks for the laugh. My brothers, also, wouldn't be able or willing to care for her there.
She's in a comfortable retirement home, that I chose, and we're not moving her anywhere. I liked this post: "Op, this should be framed as a financial question. There are fine-enough facilities that will care for her. And you can all visit. You can all spend as much time as you are able to, and still have her cared for. And live your lives. if she doesn't have much money, probably all the better, Medicaid will pay. This is not an emotional/relationship question - not unless all of you just want to wallow in drama." We've wallowed enough. I think we should draw up specific tasks/timelines for each of us to do something specific and within our abilities. My brothers are flying in for Thanksgiving (it's a real financial outlay for them, and they don't have a lot of $$) and we can, I hope, talk out money, visiting, paperwork duties, and other tasks like cleaning out the house where we all grew up. Thank you, all! |
Anonymous
This. Parents are living longer. it is unrealistic and entitled to expect one sibling to do the most. It doesn't matter how close or how far the person is. After enough years, people burn out and you need to figure out a new plan. |
Anonymous
Yes. It’s hard for everyone, but there was a study some years ago indicating that seniors who receive more/better care from family also chose to be more adaptable and to give up some autonomy; whereas those who who retained most of their independence did not have as robust care (by comparison). Then again, it’s also not unusual to have the grandparents move close to one of their kids and help with childcare for years, only for that adult child not to be willing to help the parents as they age (feeling they’ve “done their part”). Even in families that diligently have their estate paperwork completed, if the families don’t work well together interpersonally—and the parents are a part of that equation—it can make for a lot of excess stress, grief, and resentment. |
Anonymous
NP. Yep, they really do, for the most part. Some are different, but it's common enough that I talk to my female friends about not being the child who lives closest. NOT that they shouldn't be involved, but when a daughter lives closer than her brother, that is inevitably the linchpin that any discussion of caring for parents and distribution of resources rests on -- not that she is a woman, but that sh "lives closer." Take it out of the equation, and the discussion can't default to that. |
Anonymous
SERIOUSLY on the bolded. Caring for a dying person is difficult and likely traumatic. I'd respond to my brothers that each of the three of us need to take time off to go take care of mom and giver sister a break after she cared for dad. And the be ready for all the excuses from your brothers. Hopefully they can fill the void of in-person caring with money. |
Anonymous
| How long has your mom been in a home? And you haven't sold her house to help with this? Jesus christ, yall need to get on it! That will help out so much. |
Anonymous
Seriously, this is nuts. You cannot demand siblings start kicking in, particularly when you admit they don't have excess funds, when there is a significant asset just sitting there waiting to be tapped. |
Anonymous
| NP here. Every Sibling brings something different to the table. And the good thing is: Mom knows! Mom has known all of you your whole lives (obviously) Do not think you need to bring, to the attention of Mom, the good/bad, strengths/weaknesses of your siblings. She knows! |
Anonymous
| Our parents lived in a retirement care facility. One brother would visit daily. One brother would drive right by every day, without stopping. But he handled some critical things for them - the upkeep of their house. He always stayed in town, never traveled, every holiday and always worked hard to make them comfortable and give them nice holidays. |
Anonymous
you can demand the siblings help in many ways (time, money, etc) if they are complaining about the one sibling who has done years of caring for the other parent (and this one). Just because they still live nearby does NOT make them responsible in any way. It's time for the boys to step up financially as well. |
Anonymous
You can demand it, but you cannot force them to actually do anything. There is no need for anyone to be stepping up financially when there is a major asset to sell and fund her care. |