Responses to sibling's "I'm not taking care of Mom!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sister was wonderful in caring for Dad, who died after a relatively brief but painful illness. We all did what we could.
Now Mom, in her nineties, is failing. Sister says, "I'm not doing it again." I understand her, and am willing to partially pay for help and visit when I can, given my full-time job and troubled teen.
My brothers are apoplectic. How can she say that, what kind of daughter says that, etc.
I'm with her.
Thoughts? Mainly concerned how to deal with my brothers, who are really out of control. They live far away (Texas) and visiting is harder for them. They're also not that close to Mom.
This is uncharted territory for me.

Just ask them where they were when your mother died. If they still keep talking tell they to pull their weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has your mom been in a home? And you haven't sold her house to help with this? Jesus christ, yall need to get on it! That will help out so much.

Seriously, this is nuts. You cannot demand siblings start kicking in, particularly when you admit they don't have excess funds, when there is a significant asset just sitting there waiting to be tapped.

you can demand the siblings help in many ways (time, money, etc) if they are complaining about the one sibling who has done years of caring for the other parent (and this one). Just because they still live nearby does NOT make them responsible in any way. It's time for the boys to step up financially as well.

Did you even read the post to which you responded? If money is the issue, the house needs to be sold. Until that is done, no one can demand that anyone, not even the siblings who haven't cared for Dad in the past, subsidize the cost of mom's care. What about that is even remotely controversial?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom own a house?
Does she get social security
Does she have other money?

Your answer to your brothers is “no, it’s not horrible. what’s horrible is you moved far away without taking into account how you would care for our parents”

Then figure out the money and get your mom into a safe environment with good care and supplement that care with a companion.

It’s her money don’t try to save it for yall.

Good advice other than the bolded, which is flat-out ridiculous.

No it’s not. It points out they don’t care about mom’s care. Some kids stick around knowing mom and dad will need someone. These men DID NOT GAF about mom and dad.

Your position is that any kid who moves away from their hometown, without having a plan regarding how to take care of their parents in the event they need eldercare "DO NOT GAF" about their parents? Just as one example, the 22 yos who graduate college and get a job in another city need to have a plan for their 55 yo parents, who are a decade away from retirement? What if the parents move - are the kids obligated to follow?

Sorry, you're right, that's not ridiculous - it's flat-out insane. At best, it's a very 1830s view of the world. Seems like you are coming to this situation with some baggage, and that's driving your opinions.

You’re being ridiculous if you think the woman who stayed close is required to care for mom and dad. This is not 1830s.

The boys don’t care. If they did, they would do something about it. They would not put it on their sister.

I have siblings who live far away and guess what they flew into town, they helped out, they did the taxes, they paid the bills, they ordered groceries and have them delivered, they helped coordinate care, they came and sold the house and helped move them into continuous care.

Yeah, a brother sitting in Texas complaining about their sister wanting help or wanting someone else to take a turn does not GAF about their parents or anybody else for that matter.

Yeah, that's very different than your initial statement that kids who move away without a plan don't care about their parents. In the scenario you now describe, the absent kids apparently do not care about their nearby siblings.

Both... they only care about themselves if they are not helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has your mom been in a home? And you haven't sold her house to help with this? Jesus christ, yall need to get on it! That will help out so much.

Seriously, this is nuts. You cannot demand siblings start kicking in, particularly when you admit they don't have excess funds, when there is a significant asset just sitting there waiting to be tapped.

you can demand the siblings help in many ways (time, money, etc) if they are complaining about the one sibling who has done years of caring for the other parent (and this one). Just because they still live nearby does NOT make them responsible in any way. It's time for the boys to step up financially as well.

Did you even read the post to which you responded? If money is the issue, the house needs to be sold. Until that is done, no one can demand that anyone, not even the siblings who haven't cared for Dad in the past, subsidize the cost of mom's care. What about that is even remotely controversial?

And the brothers can get their a$$es up from Texas to help with the "selling of the house". It should not all fall on the sister who already managed their dad's final years mostly herself.
Unless the brothers offered to bring mom & dad closer to them to manage their elder care and were turned down, they need to step up and provide assistance big time. Be it time or money, they need to do the grunt of the work. Not the sister who already dealt with it, not just the OP who also is more local and has done a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coincidentally I am having this very conversation right now with my own sister about our own mother. She’s 90
and has always sucked. Just a nasty person. Our dad died years and years ago. My sister and one brother are the only ones who still live nearby. Our mother had a stroke a few years ago. My sister never liked my mother but since then has taken it upon herself to take care of her completely so she could remain in her own (very small) home. The brother living in the area literally has nothing to do with our mother by choice—his wife of 45 years helps out twice a week solely because of my sister, and not because of my mother. She doesn’t like my mother either.

My mother was irresponsible with money and doesn’t have anything besides Social Security.

I send $500 a month directly to my mother’s account. Believe it or not, it’s more than my three brothers send combined.

My mother fell the other day and is now in rehab in a long term facility. It has given my sister a bit of a break and the facility is growing on her. My sister now feels it might be time to put her in long term care there. But at the same time she wants to continue to have a hired hand who she has been having visit our mother in her home continue to come to the facility at least three days a week to have another “pair of eyes“ on her. It will cost a few hundred dollars more a month. I know my sister is hinting that I should pay it. I have no desire to even though I easily could.

For my mother to live in the long-term care place, she would have to go on Medicaid. My sister thinks we would need several hundred more dollars a month to make the whole thing happen even without the hired hand. I wish I could say I cared about my mother enough to want to contribute more. But I don’t. And I cannot understand why my sister, who is now in her 60s, cares so much. All she did was complain about the woman for literally decades and doesn’t even like her. For some reason, I find this all to be totally annoying.

So, rather than advise her or commit, I just respond to her texts with “OK“ or OK, sounds rough.“ Etc. But I’m not giving the old lady any more money. My sister may have made the decision to go above and beyond for her when she didn’t deserve it—but that isn’t what the rest of us think and it’s on her.

Maybe your brothers feel the same way? If so, it’s their right.

What is your sister’s financial situation? I have a strong feeling that she benefits off of your mother financially somehow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Coincidentally I am having this very conversation right now with my own sister about our own mother. She’s 90
and has always sucked. Just a nasty person. Our dad died years and years ago. My sister and one brother are the only ones who still live nearby. Our mother had a stroke a few years ago. My sister never liked my mother but since then has taken it upon herself to take care of her completely so she could remain in her own (very small) home. The brother living in the area literally has nothing to do with our mother by choice—his wife of 45 years helps out twice a week solely because of my sister, and not because of my mother. She doesn’t like my mother either.

My mother was irresponsible with money and doesn’t have anything besides Social Security.

I send $500 a month directly to my mother’s account. Believe it or not, it’s more than my three brothers send combined.

My mother fell the other day and is now in rehab in a long term facility. It has given my sister a bit of a break and the facility is growing on her. My sister now feels it might be time to put her in long term care there. But at the same time she wants to continue to have a hired hand who she has been having visit our mother in her home continue to come to the facility at least three days a week to have another “pair of eyes“ on her. It will cost a few hundred dollars more a month. I know my sister is hinting that I should pay it. I have no desire to even though I easily could.

For my mother to live in the long-term care place, she would have to go on Medicaid. My sister thinks we would need several hundred more dollars a month to make the whole thing happen even without the hired hand. I wish I could say I cared about my mother enough to want to contribute more. But I don’t. And I cannot understand why my sister, who is now in her 60s, cares so much. All she did was complain about the woman for literally decades and doesn’t even like her. For some reason, I find this all to be totally annoying.

So, rather than advise her or commit, I just respond to her texts with “OK“ or OK, sounds rough.“ Etc. But I’m not giving the old lady any more money. My sister may have made the decision to go above and beyond for her when she didn’t deserve it—but that isn’t what the rest of us think and it’s on her.

Maybe your brothers feel the same way? If so, it’s their right.

Why would you pay extra to have someone keep an eye on your mom? A) they will only see what they see during the limited shifts they have B) they wont actually be helping mom with care stuff, as she is already in the care center so you're just paying a glorified cribbage friend. I wouldn't keep paying for that either!

Dp but it helps with accountability of the staff. If I cared for someone I would absolutely pay for them to have visitors or would visit them myself.
If I didn’t I wouldn’t