Responses to sibling's "I'm not taking care of Mom!"

[Anonymous]

Sister was wonderful in caring for Dad, who died after a relatively brief but painful illness. We all did what we could.
Now Mom, in her nineties, is failing. Sister says, "I'm not doing it again." I understand her, and am willing to partially pay for help and visit when I can, given my full-time job and troubled teen.
My brothers are apoplectic. How can she say that, what kind of daughter says that, etc.
I'm with her.
Thoughts? Mainly concerned how to deal with my brothers, who are really out of control. They live far away (Texas) and visiting is harder for them. They're also not that close to Mom.
This is uncharted territory for me.

[Anonymous]

Coincidentally I am having this very conversation right now with my own sister about our own mother. She’s 90
and has always sucked. Just a nasty person. Our dad died years and years ago. My sister and one brother are the only ones who still live nearby. Our mother had a stroke a few years ago. My sister never liked my mother but since then has taken it upon herself to take care of her completely so she could remain in her own (very small) home. The brother living in the area literally has nothing to do with our mother by choice—his wife of 45 years helps out twice a week solely because of my sister, and not because of my mother. She doesn’t like my mother either.

My mother was irresponsible with money and doesn’t have anything besides Social Security.

I send $500 a month directly to my mother’s account. Believe it or not, it’s more than my three brothers send combined.

My mother fell the other day and is now in rehab in a long term facility. It has given my sister a bit of a break and the facility is growing on her. My sister now feels it might be time to put her in long term care there. But at the same time she wants to continue to have a hired hand who she has been having visit our mother in her home continue to come to the facility at least three days a week to have another “pair of eyes“ on her. It will cost a few hundred dollars more a month. I know my sister is hinting that I should pay it. I have no desire to even though I easily could.

For my mother to live in the long-term care place, she would have to go on Medicaid. My sister thinks we would need several hundred more dollars a month to make the whole thing happen even without the hired hand. I wish I could say I cared about my mother enough to want to contribute more. But I don’t. And I cannot understand why my sister, who is now in her 60s, cares so much. All she did was complain about the woman for literally decades and doesn’t even like her. For some reason, I find this all to be totally annoying.

So, rather than advise her or commit, I just respond to her texts with “OK“ or OK, sounds rough.“ Etc. But I’m not giving the old lady any more money. My sister may have made the decision to go above and beyond for her when she didn’t deserve it—but that isn’t what the rest of us think and it’s on her.

Maybe your brothers feel the same way? If so, it’s their right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sister was wonderful in caring for Dad, who died after a relatively brief but painful illness. We all did what we could.
Now Mom, in her nineties, is failing. Sister says, "I'm not doing it again." I understand her, and am willing to partially pay for help and visit when I can, given my full-time job and troubled teen.
My brothers are apoplectic. How can she say that, what kind of daughter says that, etc.
I'm with her.
Thoughts? Mainly concerned how to deal with my brothers, who are really out of control. They live far away (Texas) and visiting is harder for them. They're also not that close to Mom.
This is uncharted territory for me.

I hope to f***ing god that you are sticking up for her when they spew this sh*t. You have toxic misogynistic a$$holes for brothers.

How can you say this is uncharted territory when it's literally already happened? Anyways, she's made it clear she doesn't want to be the hands on person. This means everyone chips in, or the estate starts getting drained for eldercare. They can do plenty from texas - applying online for homes, research on home care aids etc.

[Anonymous]

How you deal with your brothers is by saying you agree with your sister. She already took point on one parent dying and there are apparently at least four kids! Someone else needs to step up.

What kind of a son can't coordinate care from Texas in the age of the internet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coincidentally I am having this very conversation right now with my own sister about our own mother. She’s 90
and has always sucked. Just a nasty person. Our dad died years and years ago. My sister and one brother are the only ones who still live nearby. Our mother had a stroke a few years ago. My sister never liked my mother but since then has taken it upon herself to take care of her completely so she could remain in her own (very small) home. The brother living in the area literally has nothing to do with our mother by choice—his wife of 45 years helps out twice a week solely because of my sister, and not because of my mother. She doesn’t like my mother either.

My mother was irresponsible with money and doesn’t have anything besides Social Security.

I send $500 a month directly to my mother’s account. Believe it or not, it’s more than my three brothers send combined.

My mother fell the other day and is now in rehab in a long term facility. It has given my sister a bit of a break and the facility is growing on her. My sister now feels it might be time to put her in long term care there. But at the same time she wants to continue to have a hired hand who she has been having visit our mother in her home continue to come to the facility at least three days a week to have another “pair of eyes“ on her. It will cost a few hundred dollars more a month. I know my sister is hinting that I should pay it. I have no desire to even though I easily could.

For my mother to live in the long-term care place, she would have to go on Medicaid. My sister thinks we would need several hundred more dollars a month to make the whole thing happen even without the hired hand. I wish I could say I cared about my mother enough to want to contribute more. But I don’t. And I cannot understand why my sister, who is now in her 60s, cares so much. All she did was complain about the woman for literally decades and doesn’t even like her. For some reason, I find this all to be totally annoying.

So, rather than advise her or commit, I just respond to her texts with “OK“ or OK, sounds rough.“ Etc. But I’m not giving the old lady any more money. My sister may have made the decision to go above and beyond for her when she didn’t deserve it—but that isn’t what the rest of us think and it’s on her.

Maybe your brothers feel the same way? If so, it’s their right.

Why would you pay extra to have someone keep an eye on your mom? A) they will only see what they see during the limited shifts they have B) they wont actually be helping mom with care stuff, as she is already in the care center so you're just paying a glorified cribbage friend. I wouldn't keep paying for that either!

[Anonymous]

WTH?? Your sister took care of your dad well and now your do nothing brothers are criticizing her for not doing all the work for your mom as well??

Tell them to take care of mom. Ask why they are holding their sister to a higher standard than they are holding themselves.

[Anonymous]

Does your mom own a house?
Does she get social security
Does she have other money?

Your answer to your brothers is “no, it’s not horrible. what’s horrible is you moved far away without taking into account how you would care for our parents”

Then figure out the money and get your mom into a safe environment with good care and supplement that care with a companion.

It’s her money don’t try to save it for yall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom own a house?
Does she get social security
Does she have other money?

Your answer to your brothers is “no, it’s not horrible. what’s horrible is you moved far away without taking into account how you would care for our parents”

Then figure out the money and get your mom into a safe environment with good care and supplement that care with a companion.

It’s her money don’t try to save it for yall.

Good advice other than the bolded, which is flat-out ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Figure out what you'd do for your mom if your sister didn't exist. She is setting a boundary. Since you didn't take care of your dad you have no idea how emotionally draining it is to care for someone dying. It's your and your brothers' turns to step up. Sorry that's inconvenient for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom own a house?
Does she get social security
Does she have other money?

Your answer to your brothers is “no, it’s not horrible. what’s horrible is you moved far away without taking into account how you would care for our parents”

Then figure out the money and get your mom into a safe environment with good care and supplement that care with a companion.

It’s her money don’t try to save it for yall.

Good advice other than the bolded, which is flat-out ridiculous.

No it’s not. It points out they don’t care about mom’s care. Some kids stick around knowing mom and dad will need someone. These men DID NOT GAF about mom and dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sister was wonderful in caring for Dad, who died after a relatively brief but painful illness. We all did what we could.
Now Mom, in her nineties, is failing. Sister says, "I'm not doing it again." I understand her, and am willing to partially pay for help and visit when I can, given my full-time job and troubled teen.
My brothers are apoplectic. How can she say that, what kind of daughter says that, etc.
I'm with her.
Thoughts? Mainly concerned how to deal with my brothers, who are really out of control. They live far away (Texas) and visiting is harder for them. They're also not that close to Mom.
This is uncharted territory for me.

I hope to f***ing god that you are sticking up for her when they spew this sh*t. You have toxic misogynistic a$$holes for brothers.

How can you say this is uncharted territory when it's literally already happened? Anyways, she's made it clear she doesn't want to be the hands on person. This means everyone chips in, or the estate starts getting drained for eldercare. They can do plenty from texas - applying online for homes, research on home care aids etc.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom own a house?
Does she get social security
Does she have other money?

Your answer to your brothers is “no, it’s not horrible. what’s horrible is you moved far away without taking into account how you would care for our parents”

Then figure out the money and get your mom into a safe environment with good care and supplement that care with a companion.

It’s her money don’t try to save it for yall.

Good advice other than the bolded, which is flat-out ridiculous.

No it’s not. It points out they don’t care about mom’s care. Some kids stick around knowing mom and dad will need someone. These men DID NOT GAF about mom and dad.

Your position is that any kid who moves away from their hometown, without having a plan regarding how to take care of their parents in the event they need eldercare "DO NOT GAF" about their parents? Just as one example, the 22 yos who graduate college and get a job in another city need to have a plan for their 55 yo parents, who are a decade away from retirement? What if the parents move - are the kids obligated to follow?

Sorry, you're right, that's not ridiculous - it's flat-out insane. At best, it's a very 1830s view of the world. Seems like you are coming to this situation with some baggage, and that's driving your opinions.

[Anonymous]

Same exact thing in our family. My mom easily cared for her dad for months while he was in hospice at home. She paused her work and took fmla. We had all thought grandma would die first because grandpa was so much stronger and healthier, so her dying first was a shock. And once he died, caring for grandma was super hard. Years later once grandma entered hospice my mom couldn’t do it. Her brothers were pissed. Her brothers were helpful but not a doctor like my mom is so couldn’t inject meds and such.

I also think girls and their moms can have a strange contentious relationship even when they get along. It’s like caring for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom own a house?
Does she get social security
Does she have other money?

Your answer to your brothers is “no, it’s not horrible. what’s horrible is you moved far away without taking into account how you would care for our parents”

Then figure out the money and get your mom into a safe environment with good care and supplement that care with a companion.

It’s her money don’t try to save it for yall.

Good advice other than the bolded, which is flat-out ridiculous.

No it’s not. It points out they don’t care about mom’s care. Some kids stick around knowing mom and dad will need someone. These men DID NOT GAF about mom and dad.

Or the parents didn’t care or plan? My parents moved near me in retirement so they could help with grandchildren and I’d help them age. That’s what should happen in retirement.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your sister is burned out after taking care of your Dad.

It looks like you and your brothers should step up in coming up with a plan for Mom.