Responses to sibling's "I'm not taking care of Mom!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom own a house?
Does she get social security
Does she have other money?

Your answer to your brothers is “no, it’s not horrible. what’s horrible is you moved far away without taking into account how you would care for our parents”

Then figure out the money and get your mom into a safe environment with good care and supplement that care with a companion.

It’s her money don’t try to save it for yall.

Good advice other than the bolded, which is flat-out ridiculous.

No it’s not. It points out they don’t care about mom’s care. Some kids stick around knowing mom and dad will need someone. These men DID NOT GAF about mom and dad.

Your position is that any kid who moves away from their hometown, without having a plan regarding how to take care of their parents in the event they need eldercare "DO NOT GAF" about their parents? Just as one example, the 22 yos who graduate college and get a job in another city need to have a plan for their 55 yo parents, who are a decade away from retirement? What if the parents move - are the kids obligated to follow?

Sorry, you're right, that's not ridiculous - it's flat-out insane. At best, it's a very 1830s view of the world. Seems like you are coming to this situation with some baggage, and that's driving your opinions.

You’re being ridiculous if you think the woman who stayed close is required to care for mom and dad. This is not 1830s.

The boys don’t care. If they did, they would do something about it. They would not put it on their sister.

I have siblings who live far away and guess what they flew into town, they helped out, they did the taxes, they paid the bills, they ordered groceries and have them delivered, they helped coordinate care, they came and sold the house and helped move them into continuous care.

Yeah, a brother sitting in Texas complaining about their sister wanting help or wanting someone else to take a turn does not GAF about their parents or anybody else for that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sister was wonderful in caring for Dad, who died after a relatively brief but painful illness. We all did what we could.
Now Mom, in her nineties, is failing. Sister says, "I'm not doing it again." I understand her, and am willing to partially pay for help and visit when I can, given my full-time job and troubled teen.
My brothers are apoplectic. How can she say that, what kind of daughter says that, etc.
I'm with her.
Thoughts? Mainly concerned how to deal with my brothers, who are really out of control. They live far away (Texas) and visiting is harder for them. They're also not that close to Mom.
This is uncharted territory for me.

Move mom to Texas. Brothers care for her.

Sister needs a break this time around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom own a house?
Does she get social security
Does she have other money?

Your answer to your brothers is “no, it’s not horrible. what’s horrible is you moved far away without taking into account how you would care for our parents”

Then figure out the money and get your mom into a safe environment with good care and supplement that care with a companion.

It’s her money don’t try to save it for yall.

Good advice other than the bolded, which is flat-out ridiculous.

No it’s not. It points out they don’t care about mom’s care. Some kids stick around knowing mom and dad will need someone. These men DID NOT GAF about mom and dad.

Or the parents didn’t care or plan? My parents moved near me in retirement so they could help with grandchildren and I’d help them age. That’s what should happen in retirement.

It doesn’t matter if the parents cared for planned. They didn’t say oh my God mom and dad didn’t plan screw them. They said it’s on the sister, and that she’s a horrible person for not caring for the parents.

They set the stage for what was expected of a siblings to care for a parent and now that the stage is that they need to rise to the occasion.

If everybody agrees mom and dad screwed themselves, screw them we’re not doing anything that’s a different story. Start a whole new thread about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sister was wonderful in caring for Dad, who died after a relatively brief but painful illness. We all did what we could.
Now Mom, in her nineties, is failing. Sister says, "I'm not doing it again." I understand her, and am willing to partially pay for help and visit when I can, given my full-time job and troubled teen.
My brothers are apoplectic. How can she say that, what kind of daughter says that, etc.
I'm with her.
Thoughts? Mainly concerned how to deal with my brothers, who are really out of control. They live far away (Texas) and visiting is harder for them. They're also not that close to Mom.
This is uncharted territory for me.

Move mom to Texas. Brothers care for her.

Sister needs a break this time around.

That’s actually a great idea

[Anonymous]

My friend--a woman--lives far away. Her brother and sister live near the mom dementia. To make it fair, the faraway sibling tracks bills and does a lot of paperwork. Meanwhile, the nearby siblings visited the home until the mom had to move to assisted living.

The brothers could take on bill paying, medicaid research, facility research, consulting with a geriatric professional who can steer them toward nice facilities, and more.

Why just today, I have done several things for my parent by phone. I could have done these things from Texas, too.

But I like my other idea better--move mom to Texas. Let brothers deal with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTH?? Your sister took care of your dad well and now your do nothing brothers are criticizing her for not doing all the work for your mom as well??

Tell them to take care of mom. Ask why they are holding their sister to a higher standard than they are holding themselves.

+1. It's their turn to help out. Since they don't live nearby, they can either move nearby to be of assistance or send money to provide a facility with good care. It's not on your sister to do this, and neither on you. Sounds like they didn't help with dad, so now it's their turn to send $$$$ to take care of this

[Anonymous]

You need to read the riot act to your misogynistic pigs of brothers. They need to pony up some money for your mother's care too. Call them all the names in the book, and point out how sexist, selfish and lazy they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom own a house?
Does she get social security
Does she have other money?

Your answer to your brothers is “no, it’s not horrible. what’s horrible is you moved far away without taking into account how you would care for our parents”

Then figure out the money and get your mom into a safe environment with good care and supplement that care with a companion.

It’s her money don’t try to save it for yall.

Good advice other than the bolded, which is flat-out ridiculous.

Not ridiculous when they expect the "sisters nearby" to do all the work.
We have never lived near our parents. My parents wouldn't move near us, so we spent the money to help them get into a CCRC. That way if something happens, I can manage it via the phone. And if it takes me a few days to get there, they are still taken care of---and if it takes more the same--we offered to pay and move them closer to us, the trade off for them not doing that is we visit a few times a year and they know if they end up in the hospital I might be managing it remotely and trusting the CCRC to do their job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom own a house?
Does she get social security
Does she have other money?

Your answer to your brothers is “no, it’s not horrible. what’s horrible is you moved far away without taking into account how you would care for our parents”

Then figure out the money and get your mom into a safe environment with good care and supplement that care with a companion.

It’s her money don’t try to save it for yall.

Good advice other than the bolded, which is flat-out ridiculous.

No it’s not. It points out they don’t care about mom’s care. Some kids stick around knowing mom and dad will need someone. These men DID NOT GAF about mom and dad.

+1

And it is fine to move away, but you still need to visit and help with the care and recognize that most likely you will be providing more $$$ than the other siblings who are nearby and provide the in person assistance. But I cannot imagine not wanting to help take care of our parents (unless they were truly abusive parents)

[Anonymous]

op. You have not provided a real reason why you aren’t stepping up to take the lead on caring for mom. Regardless of whether your brothers are awol or not, sounds like it’s time for you to step up. Maybe then you will grow a spine and fine effective words to say to your brothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom own a house?
Does she get social security
Does she have other money?

Your answer to your brothers is “no, it’s not horrible. what’s horrible is you moved far away without taking into account how you would care for our parents”

Then figure out the money and get your mom into a safe environment with good care and supplement that care with a companion.

It’s her money don’t try to save it for yall.

Good advice other than the bolded, which is flat-out ridiculous.

No it’s not. It points out they don’t care about mom’s care. Some kids stick around knowing mom and dad will need someone. These men DID NOT GAF about mom and dad.

Your position is that any kid who moves away from their hometown, without having a plan regarding how to take care of their parents in the event they need eldercare "DO NOT GAF" about their parents? Just as one example, the 22 yos who graduate college and get a job in another city need to have a plan for their 55 yo parents, who are a decade away from retirement? What if the parents move - are the kids obligated to follow?

Sorry, you're right, that's not ridiculous - it's flat-out insane. At best, it's a very 1830s view of the world. Seems like you are coming to this situation with some baggage, and that's driving your opinions.

You’re being ridiculous if you think the woman who stayed close is required to care for mom and dad. This is not 1830s.

The boys don’t care. If they did, they would do something about it. They would not put it on their sister.

I have siblings who live far away and guess what they flew into town, they helped out, they did the taxes, they paid the bills, they ordered groceries and have them delivered, they helped coordinate care, they came and sold the house and helped move them into continuous care.

Yeah, a brother sitting in Texas complaining about their sister wanting help or wanting someone else to take a turn does not GAF about their parents or anybody else for that matter.

Yes, if you are one of the remote kids (siblings), you have to contribute. Most likely with money unless you like to visit for 5-7 days a month

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom own a house?
Does she get social security
Does she have other money?

Your answer to your brothers is “no, it’s not horrible. what’s horrible is you moved far away without taking into account how you would care for our parents”

Then figure out the money and get your mom into a safe environment with good care and supplement that care with a companion.

It’s her money don’t try to save it for yall.

Good advice other than the bolded, which is flat-out ridiculous.

No it’s not. It points out they don’t care about mom’s care. Some kids stick around knowing mom and dad will need someone. These men DID NOT GAF about mom and dad.

Your position is that any kid who moves away from their hometown, without having a plan regarding how to take care of their parents in the event they need eldercare "DO NOT GAF" about their parents? Just as one example, the 22 yos who graduate college and get a job in another city need to have a plan for their 55 yo parents, who are a decade away from retirement? What if the parents move - are the kids obligated to follow?

Sorry, you're right, that's not ridiculous - it's flat-out insane. At best, it's a very 1830s view of the world. Seems like you are coming to this situation with some baggage, and that's driving your opinions.

You’re being ridiculous if you think the woman who stayed close is required to care for mom and dad. This is not 1830s.

The boys don’t care. If they did, they would do something about it. They would not put it on their sister.

I have siblings who live far away and guess what they flew into town, they helped out, they did the taxes, they paid the bills, they ordered groceries and have them delivered, they helped coordinate care, they came and sold the house and helped move them into continuous care.

Yeah, a brother sitting in Texas complaining about their sister wanting help or wanting someone else to take a turn does not GAF about their parents or anybody else for that matter.

Yeah, that's very different than your initial statement that kids who move away without a plan don't care about their parents. In the scenario you now describe, the absent kids apparently do not care about their nearby siblings.

[Anonymous]

I would tell my brothers to go jump in a lake. Sister has fine her duty and more. They can figure it out without her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your mom own a house?
Does she get social security
Does she have other money?

Your answer to your brothers is “no, it’s not horrible. what’s horrible is you moved far away without taking into account how you would care for our parents”

Then figure out the money and get your mom into a safe environment with good care and supplement that care with a companion.

It’s her money don’t try to save it for yall.

Good advice other than the bolded, which is flat-out ridiculous.

No it’s not. It points out they don’t care about mom’s care. Some kids stick around knowing mom and dad will need someone. These men DID NOT GAF about mom and dad.

Wondering how common this is. My brother hasn’t visited my 90 year old mother in three years. He’s wealthy so it’s not a question of finances. Do men just bail?

[Anonymous]

Op, this should be framed as a financial question. There are fine-enough facilities that will care for her. And you can all visit. You can all spend as much time as you are able to, and still have her cared for. And live your lives. if she doesn't have much money, probably all the better, Medicaid will pay.

This is not an emotional/relationship question - not unless all of you just want to wallow in drama.

Get a social worker. Solve a problem.