How to handle family funeral while in the process of of converting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im sorry for your loss.

If you think it would make your family feel better so see you go up, I would walk up at communion and cross your arms across your chest and receive a blessing, just like kids who haven't gotten their first communion do.

If anyone says anything about it I would respond with something to the effect of "I'm here to support my sister, not discuss my faith."

+1000000

Great line.

+1

[Anonymous]

I went to a funeral recently and the priest (Jesuit) invited everyone to take communion. I was shocked. I didn't as to not offend others, but if you think it would offend your family if you didn't take it and it's offered, then just do it. It doesn't mean anything if you don't believe in it.

[Anonymous]

My jewish rabbi would say the point is to be a support to the parents of the deceased and one way you can be supportive is, in this case, to do things you wouldn't ordinarily, in order to keep the peace. God will understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are also plenty of reasons a practicing Catholic might not be receiving communion at any given mass.

OP here.

Yes, totally understand that aspect. I just am unsure of what to say to my family who will question and grill me about it.

Another person provided a helpful suggestion, which I will probably use.

Always welcome to hear suggestions from whoever wishes to post. Thank you for your reply!

Do you really think that you are going to be the center of attention at their daughter's funeral? It's not about you. Don't try to turn it into your show. Just show up and don't cause a scene.

OP here. Of course I know it's about me.. I wouldn't dream of making it about me or causing a scene..

The problem is that I know my mother would make a big deal about this, and possibly my father, too.

Then just take Communion and suck it up. Don’t ruin the day by taking a stand at your niece’s funeral of all days.

I'm guessing this a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation for OP. She already stated that her parents are upset that she is no longer Catholic, so taking communion would not be appropriate. But for people who are already upset and are likely primed for a disagreement, she just needs to be prepared.

OP, I am so sorry for the loss of your niece. I hope that no one will use this terrible occasion to do or say anything upsetting. I think the suggestion of only communicating to the priest is a good one. Maneuvering to be away from them in line for communion is also good. And, finally, if they do bring it up and demand to know if you will take or took communion, just refuse to engage with something like "that is between God and me" and chase it with "this is not the time to focus on this." I think being ready is half the battle.

[Anonymous]

Your parents aren't going to be concentrating on whether or not you take communion. They are going to be concentrated on grieving their granddaughter and helping their daughter get through this. MAYBE they will say something privately, at which point you say this isn't the time or place. But you think a bit too highly of yourself to think they are going to make a big deal at the funeral or that you need to draw attention to yourself about it first. You're going to be the last thing they care about right now, and your continued posting like you are somehow the main event here is pretty ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are also plenty of reasons a practicing Catholic might not be receiving communion at any given mass.

OP here.

Yes, totally understand that aspect. I just am unsure of what to say to my family who will question and grill me about it.

Another person provided a helpful suggestion, which I will probably use.

Always welcome to hear suggestions from whoever wishes to post. Thank you for your reply!

Do you really think that you are going to be the center of attention at their daughter's funeral? It's not about you. Don't try to turn it into your show. Just show up and don't cause a scene.

OP here. Of course I know it's about me.. I wouldn't dream of making it about me or causing a scene..

The problem is that I know my mother would make a big deal about this, and possibly my father, too.

Then just take Communion and suck it up. Don’t ruin the day by taking a stand at your niece’s funeral of all days.

I'm guessing this a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation for OP. She already stated that her parents are upset that she is no longer Catholic, so taking communion would not be appropriate. But for people who are already upset and are likely primed for a disagreement, she just needs to be prepared.

OP, I am so sorry for the loss of your niece. I hope that no one will use this terrible occasion to do or say anything upsetting. I think the suggestion of only communicating to the priest is a good one. Maneuvering to be away from them in line for communion is also good. And, finally, if they do bring it up and demand to know if you will take or took communion, just refuse to engage with something like "that is between God and me" and chase it with "this is not the time to focus on this." I think being ready is half the battle.

Why wouldn't it be appropriate exactly? Are you saying that the parents would be MORE upset if she took communion than if she didn't? We all know that's not true.

Take the damn communion. Grow the eff up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My jewish rabbi would say the point is to be a support to the parents of the deceased and one way you can be supportive is, in this case, to do things you wouldn't ordinarily, in order to keep the peace. God will understand that.

I’m pretty sure no Jewish rabbi would counsel that a Jew needs to take communion under any circumstances other than saving their lives. Coming from this as an ex Catholic with plenty of drama that extends to funerals, I think the best bet here is to just go up to the altar, get the blessing, and ignore/walk away if the parents attempt to engage or start something. The fault here would fall entirely on the parents if they chose to make a scene.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss, op. And sorry that random Internet person is being mean. I could see parents picking a fight to not feel grief, like a pp so kindly suggested. And as an anxious person I can relate to you trying to figure out your move on a potentially contentious issue.

I wouldn't say anything in advance. Get the blessing. If anyone comments, you can just say something like, "Not here, please. This day is hard enough for everyone, and I love you too much to have a fight."

[Anonymous]

If your presence is going to cause such an uproar and additional distress for everyone involved, it might be better to not attend and support your sister in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My jewish rabbi would say the point is to be a support to the parents of the deceased and one way you can be supportive is, in this case, to do things you wouldn't ordinarily, in order to keep the peace. God will understand that.

I’m pretty sure no Jewish rabbi would counsel that a Jew needs to take communion under any circumstances other than saving their lives. Coming from this as an ex Catholic with plenty of drama that extends to funerals, I think the best bet here is to just go up to the altar, get the blessing, and ignore/walk away if the parents attempt to engage or start something. The fault here would fall entirely on the parents if they chose to make a scene.

Are you Jewish or Catholic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss, op. And sorry that random Internet person is being mean. I could see parents picking a fight to not feel grief, like a pp so kindly suggested. And as an anxious person I can relate to you trying to figure out your move on a potentially contentious issue.

I wouldn't say anything in advance. Get the blessing. If anyone comments, you can just say something like, "Not here, please. This day is hard enough for everyone, and I love you too much to have a fight."

OP here. Yes, I agree with you and appreciate your kind words and reply.

[Anonymous]

OP is a drama queen, is converting to Judaism to spite her family, is getting off on it, and wants a spectacle at a toddler’s funeral.

[Anonymous]

The simplest thing to do is to go up for communion just as everyone else does, and cross your arms over your chest to receive a blessing when the time comes. I am not watching every person who goes up to the altar during communion and assume most people aren't, you are either in line yourself or back at the pew with your head down and praying. Maybe if she is right behind you your mother might notice that you didn't take communion, but she might not. if she asks afterward say you will talk about it later, say that today is a day for grief, let's focus on that.

[Anonymous]

I read your updates, you're good on what you're going to do, it's all fine now, right?

OK, you might want to ponder this for the future.

It seems you and your mother may have certain traits in common. In the span of this short thread, you've behaved in a very Main Character way, you've persistently sought to have the last word and protested your innocence too much. You might not have noticed, but peaceful threads don't usually have OPs who behave that way. Threads with difficult OPs usually end up in arguments and accusations, like this one did.

Know when to ignore people and drop certain conversations. Don't be like your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The simplest thing to do is to go up for communion just as everyone else does, and cross your arms over your chest to receive a blessing when the time comes. I am not watching every person who goes up to the altar during communion and assume most people aren't, you are either in line yourself or back at the pew with your head down and praying. Maybe if she is right behind you your mother might notice that you didn't take communion, but she might not. if she asks afterward say you will talk about it later, say that today is a day for grief, let's focus on that.

OP here.

Thank you for your kind reply. Somehow, despite being raised Catholic by my parents, they never taught me about crossing your arms over your chest. Instead, they always forced me to get communion no matter what.

Even as a young adult, we always went to Saturday evening services, so I don't recall seeing young kids there. And the holidays are always a zoo. So I just never ever saw anyone crossing their arms over their chest before.

I haven't been to a mass in a very long time.

I feel almost stunned to have this suggestion laid on me by others and not been known by me previously, but it's definitely the right one.