How to handle family funeral while in the process of of converting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been to all sorts of services and done a lot of things that have no personal meaning to me, including communion (not Catholic. Maybe Methodist?). I think you just find someone official looking who is not the grieving family and ask them. A church official, I mean. I’m sure they will tell you what to do.

I have to say though, if anyone in my family lost a child and expected me to take communion or anything at the funeral I would just do it, no questions asked. I would tap dance or pledge my soul to the devil. I’m not religious but I can’t believe any God wouldn’t make an exception for such a moment to whatever extent that God is watching us take or not take communion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Practicing Catholic here. The correct thing to do is not receive communion. Catholics are not at all offended by people not receiving- and it’s actually wrong/offensive to receive if you don’t believe. There is nothing wrong with staying respectfully in the pew or crossing your arms over your chest to indicate you will not be receiving. No one should have a problem with that.

OP here.

Thank you for your response. I don't plan to receive communion, and I know one is not supposed to if they are not Catholic or are in a state of sin.

I just don't know how to approach it because I know my parents at the very least will be outraged and will insist I do so because of this traumatic event.

"This is not the time or place to discuss this. Drop it." and walk away. You are an adult. You don't have to do what your parents tell you.

[Anonymous]

My Dad was raised Catholic, he and some siblings are lapsed (huge family) and some people were actually more upset that two of his siblings took communion at my granddad's funeral despite being lapsed. No one was mad at my Dad for not taking communion.

As a non Catholic in a Catholic family just sit or cross your arms for a blessing.

[Anonymous]

You've got to be a troll.

Since you weren't receiving communion anyway, all you need to do is show up, go through the motions, and not receive communion.

This is what I do when I go to Catholic services with my European maternal family, who is Catholic.

My father and my in-laws are Asian Buddhists (different denominations). I've attend funeral services for my FIL, BIL and purification rituals and such like, and I go through the motions politely like the civilized person I am.

I'm not understand the problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've got to be a troll.

Since you weren't receiving communion anyway, all you need to do is show up, go through the motions, and not receive communion.

This is what I do when I go to Catholic services with my European maternal family, who is Catholic.

My father and my in-laws are Asian Buddhists (different denominations). I've attend funeral services for my FIL, BIL and purification rituals and such like, and I go through the motions politely like the civilized person I am.

I'm not understand the problem here.

OP here. Gosh, my eyes couldn't be rolling harder than after reading your troll accusation. As if I wasn't already upset over the death of my toddler niece, you come in here with your rudeness.

My parents are very devout and often use the fact that I am no longer Catholic against me and guilt trip me a lot.

I know they will use this tragic event as a reason to harass me.

But beside that, above all, I don't want to upset my sister.

So I am asking for suggestions on how to communicate the fact that I won't be taking communion.

But thanks for your unhelpful response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im sorry for your loss.

If you think it would make your family feel better so see you go up, I would walk up at communion and cross your arms across your chest and receive a blessing, just like kids who haven't gotten their first communion do.

If anyone says anything about it I would respond with something to the effect of "I'm here to support my sister, not discuss my faith."

+1000000

Great line.

PP to add something. My mother picked a fight with me at my uncle (her little brother's) funeral. It was about a long-standing point of contention between us that had been long at a stalemate, nothing new or interesting or inflammatory happened or anything. It was just as I was leaving, all of a sudden, she's going off at me about this thing. It was such a crappy way to end an already crappy day.

I was so angry with her about that as I was driving home - and then I realized something. Sadness is a really difficult, exhausting emotion. Sitting in sadness all day, after a week of sadness, is so, so hard. She needed a break from sadness, and chose anger, and I was an easy target. I rebranded that brief blow up as a favor to her. She got to spend a couple hours being mad at me. A break from the sadness. In an odd way, a gift to her. So I just totally let it go.

If one of your relatives decides to give you a really hard time about not taking communion, don't take the bait, defuse, step away. And try and think of it that way - a gift to someone who needed to fixate on SOMETHING that was not the tragic death of a four year old.

Hugs to you and your family.

I work in death care and anger is a part of the grief process. It is not at all uncommon for family to lash out and cause a scene about something. Sorry you had to experience that.

OP, this poster gives a very gracious way of thinking about this problem. If you can, stepping away and calmly disengaging/deflecting is best.

I know you are trying not to make waves at this funeral by even asking this here, so thank you for that and kudos. I am confident you will handle it well, knowing you have the EQ to anticipate there may be an issue and figuring out a plan to head that off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've got to be a troll.

Since you weren't receiving communion anyway, all you need to do is show up, go through the motions, and not receive communion.

This is what I do when I go to Catholic services with my European maternal family, who is Catholic.

My father and my in-laws are Asian Buddhists (different denominations). I've attend funeral services for my FIL, BIL and purification rituals and such like, and I go through the motions politely like the civilized person I am.

I'm not understand the problem here.

OP here. Gosh, my eyes couldn't be rolling harder than after reading your troll accusation. As if I wasn't already upset over the death of my toddler niece, you come in here with your rudeness.

My parents are very devout and often use the fact that I am no longer Catholic against me and guilt trip me a lot.

I know they will use this tragic event as a reason to harass me.

But beside that, above all, I don't want to upset my sister.

So I am asking for suggestions on how to communicate the fact that I won't be taking communion.

But thanks for your unhelpful response.

I wouldn’t communicate it to anyone but the priest as you decline it. That’s priming them for a fight. See if you can be a few people behind them (3-4) so they are walking back to their seat instead of watching you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are also plenty of reasons a practicing Catholic might not be receiving communion at any given mass.

OP here.

Yes, totally understand that aspect. I just am unsure of what to say to my family who will question and grill me about it.

Another person provided a helpful suggestion, which I will probably use.

Always welcome to hear suggestions from whoever wishes to post. Thank you for your reply!

Do you really think that you are going to be the center of attention at their daughter's funeral? It's not about you. Don't try to turn it into your show. Just show up and don't cause a scene.

OP here. Of course I know it's about me.. I wouldn't dream of making it about me or causing a scene..

The problem is that I know my mother would make a big deal about this, and possibly my father, too.

Then just take Communion and suck it up. Don’t ruin the day by taking a stand at your niece’s funeral of all days.

[Anonymous]

I think your parents will be really busy with grieving their grandchild at the funeral. They might make a snide remark or bring the fact that you didn't take communion up for years to come, but they aren't likely to make a huge deal out of it on the day of the funeral.

[Anonymous]

Don't communicate to them ahead of time that you're not taking communion. Just do you. I personally give you permission to take communion if you want to. If you no longer believe in the things that the church believes in, then you don't really have to follow the rules. Or just cross your hands over your chest and decline. Let them assume you've sinned and haven't confessed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Practicing Catholic here. The correct thing to do is not receive communion. Catholics are not at all offended by people not receiving- and it’s actually wrong/offensive to receive if you don’t believe. There is nothing wrong with staying respectfully in the pew or crossing your arms over your chest to indicate you will not be receiving. No one should have a problem with that.

OP here.

Thank you for your response. I don't plan to receive communion, and I know one is not supposed to if they are not Catholic or are in a state of sin.

I just don't know how to approach it because I know my parents at the very least will be outraged and will insist I do so because of this traumatic event.

I can’t imagine anyone will monitoring you this closely.

When it’s time for communion you get in line just like everyone else. When you’re in front of the priest you cross your arms in front of you and the priest gives you a blessing. You walk back to your seat.

Be respectful. Show up for your family.

[Anonymous]

I'm not catholic, but have taken communion where I didn't know what to do at a service. Ultimately, since I don't believe, I don't think it matters. I would do whatever would be least likely to cause pain or drama to family members.

[Anonymous]

If you left Catholicism a long time ago and are converting to a new faith, I highly doubt your family intends to make your decision to not take communion the focus of the funeral. They know you aren't Catholic and haven't been for a long time and I would think most would be more focused on their grief and loss, and supporting your sister than monitoring who does or doesn't take communion.

[Anonymous]

Nowadays, we have the “communion procession,” where everybody and their third cousin go up row by row to where communion is being distributed. Those who are not suitably prepared to receive (Catholic, in a state of grace according to Church teaching, having fasted at least one hour, not having received twice before that same day), cross their arms over their chest and receive a blessing from the priest (or in some places the communion distributing person, even though they have no power to bless). There really is no reason for anyone to know whether you received or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've got to be a troll.

Since you weren't receiving communion anyway, all you need to do is show up, go through the motions, and not receive communion.

This is what I do when I go to Catholic services with my European maternal family, who is Catholic.

My father and my in-laws are Asian Buddhists (different denominations). I've attend funeral services for my FIL, BIL and purification rituals and such like, and I go through the motions politely like the civilized person I am.

I'm not understand the problem here.

OP here. Gosh, my eyes couldn't be rolling harder than after reading your troll accusation. As if I wasn't already upset over the death of my toddler niece, you come in here with your rudeness.

My parents are very devout and often use the fact that I am no longer Catholic against me and guilt trip me a lot.

I know they will use this tragic event as a reason to harass me.

But beside that, above all, I don't want to upset my sister.

So I am asking for suggestions on how to communicate the fact that I won't be taking communion.

But thanks for your unhelpful response.

Sigh. Get your act together, OP. I'm the PP you replied to.

You don't communicate. You go and do everything except communion and you don't need to announce it, or explain it, or defend it. If you can't understand that you cannot say anything because this a child's funeral and no drama must be instigated by you, then I don't know what to tell you. If your parents harass you at a child's funeral, it's on THEIR head, not yours. You do not have to talk to them at all. You are there to support the child's parents. Not your parents. You will tolerate your parents' presence for the sake of the child. It's an act of love and sacrifice. Otherwise, in other circumstances, you could get up and leave as soon as your mother started on you and your "heathen ways".

Get it now? I'm giving you tough love because you have a long road ahead of you in terms of navigating your family of origin and your religious practices. I had a very good friend who converted to Islam - his family was Jewish! To say it led to drama is the understatement of the century. His father threw him out and his older brother beat him up. So I know what courage it takes and how thick a skin you need to develop when you're in such a situation. This funeral is just one of the first hurdles you will need to overcome on your trajectory.

You need to show up for the sake of your sister and child. You don't owe your parents anything, you just need to not be the one to start a fight. As soon as it's socially acceptable for you to leave, you can leave. I bet your mother will be lying in wait for you.