How to help 2nd grader with suspected executive function

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say suspected because he’s never been tested for anything and of course 8 year olds are not as organized as middle schoolers. He remembers dates and times really well but can be disorganized with items.

Examples:
He needs to put gym shoes in his locker. He remembers this himself and packs his shoe bag… At drop off he jumps out of the car with his backpack and leaves the shoe bag in the car.

He goes to the library (takes his own wallet and library card and checks out. Sits and reads or gets on computer and when we get up to leave, leaves his wallet and card.

He has never forgotten major things like his lunch or his homework.


Does anyone have a book I can read to help understand and put strategies in place? I’m punctual and responsible, but tend toward clutter and sometimes misplace things. In kindergarten we used a visual checklist, but he has multiple activities and more supplies now.

This is just so normal for 8yo boys. I have 3. Strategies basically include natural consequences.

It’s hard when there’s fail safes. He forgot his music book and viola teacher had an extra so it was fine. He forgot his lunch once and I drive it over when school called. Another Time he forgot lunch and I didn’t drive over but school gave him a lunch and he was happy as a clam. Last week I had him call the library about his lost card and the librarian said not to worry they would just issue him a new card on his next visit.

He’s 8. Help him. Your 8 yr old going to school without his lunch is your fault.

I do help him. If I’ve asked him twice if he is sure he put the lunch I packed (and reminded him twice about) in his backpack, and insists it is there, I am not going to open his backpack to visually check. Are you saying I need to visually check to see if an 8 almost 9 year old has put the lunch I have on the counter for him every morning and have asked him about into his bag?

Your posts make it seem like your goal in helping him is reducing your frustration or the impact on you.

Your goals should be to figure out what skills he's missing, why, and then help him to gain them. So, for instance, in the example above, ask him to open his backpack and put his hands on his lunch because you know when he said yes yesterday, it wasn't really there. You can even say this from the next room. Putting his hand on his lunch is a repeatable routine he can do until he learns not to forget it and should be more helpful than you checking for his lunch. I do this with my kid for packing toothbrush and socks that they tend to forget on trips.

I'd also ask him why like a detective. At the library he may be so excited to read or play in the computer. He also may give reasons that you haven't thought of like he can't reach something, or it's too heavy. Then brainstorm together to solve the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DS is is a young kid and he forgets stuff. You're the mom here: step up and stop pathologizing your kid.

He is almost 9. I hear from everyone over and over on this board that their kids are walking to the store, riding bikes, staying home alone, cooking well before 9. But he can’t be trusted to have place his packed lunch in his bag after I ask him, or to take an instrument to an instrument lesson? You’re saying I should hover over my kid and remind him of every single item he needs for every single place we go AND visually check after he confirms?

No to the bolded, or if you're seeing it here it's exaggerations. Your expectations are not realistic. (And IMO, your expectations are not kind. We've all seen a movie with a parentified 9 yo who is packing lunches for 3 younger siblings: that's not supposed to be aspirational.)

More importantly - even if other kids are doing it, you parent the kid you have. There is a wide range of maturity in the 8-15 range and nothing you've said suggests he has a disorder.

What it sounds like to me is that you are rushed and flustered, and you resent that he is one more thing for you to take care of. He is absolutely internalizing that, btw, which is sad as well as demonstrably ineffective in getting him to remember his belongings. Stop rushing out to the car and plan your time so that you can walk out the door with him, observing the things he has with him and talking to him about it.

Nobody is rushing to the car. He has 30 minutes to eat breakfast (after which I usually have to remind him to place his plate in the sink and throw his dirty napkin away). He brushes teeth and gets dressed. I help with grooming and like I said, give reminders. I don’t know what you’re talking about with 9 year olds packing lunches for 3 year olds. I do observe what he has and don’t have. My question is how do I put more and more on him and help him to be organized especially as he goes into upper elementary school, because it’s been a small amount of improvement with 3 years of the same daily routine and reminders. I can’t follow him to middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say suspected because he’s never been tested for anything and of course 8 year olds are not as organized as middle schoolers. He remembers dates and times really well but can be disorganized with items.

Examples:
He needs to put gym shoes in his locker. He remembers this himself and packs his shoe bag… At drop off he jumps out of the car with his backpack and leaves the shoe bag in the car.

He goes to the library (takes his own wallet and library card and checks out. Sits and reads or gets on computer and when we get up to leave, leaves his wallet and card.

He has never forgotten major things like his lunch or his homework.


Does anyone have a book I can read to help understand and put strategies in place? I’m punctual and responsible, but tend toward clutter and sometimes misplace things. In kindergarten we used a visual checklist, but he has multiple activities and more supplies now.

This is just so normal for 8yo boys. I have 3. Strategies basically include natural consequences.

It’s hard when there’s fail safes. He forgot his music book and viola teacher had an extra so it was fine. He forgot his lunch once and I drive it over when school called. Another Time he forgot lunch and I didn’t drive over but school gave him a lunch and he was happy as a clam. Last week I had him call the library about his lost card and the librarian said not to worry they would just issue him a new card on his next visit.

He’s 8. Help him. Your 8 yr old going to school without his lunch is your fault.

I do help him. If I’ve asked him twice if he is sure he put the lunch I packed (and reminded him twice about) in his backpack, and insists it is there, I am not going to open his backpack to visually check. Are you saying I need to visually check to see if an 8 almost 9 year old has put the lunch I have on the counter for him every morning and have asked him about into his bag?

Your posts make it seem like your goal in helping him is reducing your frustration or the impact on you.

Your goals should be to figure out what skills he's missing, why, and then help him to gain them. So, for instance, in the example above, ask him to open his backpack and put his hands on his lunch because you know when he said yes yesterday, it wasn't really there. You can even say this from the next room. Putting his hand on his lunch is a repeatable routine he can do until he learns not to forget it and should be more helpful than you checking for his lunch. I do this with my kid for packing toothbrush and socks that they tend to forget on trips.

I'd also ask him why like a detective. At the library he may be so excited to read or play in the computer. He also may give reasons that you haven't thought of like he can't reach something, or it's too heavy. Then brainstorm together to solve the problem.

Yesterday I literally handed him underwear and clean socks and said “Here is fresh underwear and socks. Get changed into these, then you can go get dressed.”

10 minutes later he said he was done brushing his teeth and changing. I found the underwear and socks on the couch.

All he had to do was not throw the underwear and socks on the couch. I handed them to him. He just had to walk to the bathroom. The underwear and socks didn’t make it there. You’re saying I should have walked him to the bathroom after handing him his clothes? I don’t think it’s too much to ask an 8-9 year old to take two clothing items and get changed. A 5 or 6 year old I can see.

[Anonymous]

^and before you say I should have organized the socks and underwear - we have set up a 5 unit hanging thing in his closet. I helped him out an outfit for each day in there including fresh socks and underwear. So he already missed step 1 of getting that stuff from the bin. He did grab his shirt and pants.

[Anonymous]

The replies are also baffling to me with everyone saying this is normal because the last two years, both of his teachers have commented he needs a lot of work with organization and taking his time and implies he is behind / below grade level in that area. He independently told me he is the most disorganized person in the class and that his desk is a mess. I’m assuming if two different teachers say his messiness is not typical, that it is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say suspected because he’s never been tested for anything and of course 8 year olds are not as organized as middle schoolers. He remembers dates and times really well but can be disorganized with items.

Examples:
He needs to put gym shoes in his locker. He remembers this himself and packs his shoe bag… At drop off he jumps out of the car with his backpack and leaves the shoe bag in the car.

He goes to the library (takes his own wallet and library card and checks out. Sits and reads or gets on computer and when we get up to leave, leaves his wallet and card.

He has never forgotten major things like his lunch or his homework.


Does anyone have a book I can read to help understand and put strategies in place? I’m punctual and responsible, but tend toward clutter and sometimes misplace things. In kindergarten we used a visual checklist, but he has multiple activities and more supplies now.

This is just so normal for 8yo boys. I have 3. Strategies basically include natural consequences.

It’s hard when there’s fail safes. He forgot his music book and viola teacher had an extra so it was fine. He forgot his lunch once and I drive it over when school called. Another Time he forgot lunch and I didn’t drive over but school gave him a lunch and he was happy as a clam. Last week I had him call the library about his lost card and the librarian said not to worry they would just issue him a new card on his next visit.

He’s 8. Help him. Your 8 yr old going to school without his lunch is your fault.

I do help him. If I’ve asked him twice if he is sure he put the lunch I packed (and reminded him twice about) in his backpack, and insists it is there, I am not going to open his backpack to visually check. Are you saying I need to visually check to see if an 8 almost 9 year old has put the lunch I have on the counter for him every morning and have asked him about into his bag?

Your posts make it seem like your goal in helping him is reducing your frustration or the impact on you.

Your goals should be to figure out what skills he's missing, why, and then help him to gain them. So, for instance, in the example above, ask him to open his backpack and put his hands on his lunch because you know when he said yes yesterday, it wasn't really there. You can even say this from the next room. Putting his hand on his lunch is a repeatable routine he can do until he learns not to forget it and should be more helpful than you checking for his lunch. I do this with my kid for packing toothbrush and socks that they tend to forget on trips.

I'd also ask him why like a detective. At the library he may be so excited to read or play in the computer. He also may give reasons that you haven't thought of like he can't reach something, or it's too heavy. Then brainstorm together to solve the problem.

Thanks. Putting his hand on the item is a good tip. That should help him slow down and really confirm for sure even though he “KNOWS FOR SURE” he has done something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say suspected because he’s never been tested for anything and of course 8 year olds are not as organized as middle schoolers. He remembers dates and times really well but can be disorganized with items.

Examples:
He needs to put gym shoes in his locker. He remembers this himself and packs his shoe bag… At drop off he jumps out of the car with his backpack and leaves the shoe bag in the car.

He goes to the library (takes his own wallet and library card and checks out. Sits and reads or gets on computer and when we get up to leave, leaves his wallet and card.

He has never forgotten major things like his lunch or his homework.


Does anyone have a book I can read to help understand and put strategies in place? I’m punctual and responsible, but tend toward clutter and sometimes misplace things. In kindergarten we used a visual checklist, but he has multiple activities and more supplies now.

This is just so normal for 8yo boys. I have 3. Strategies basically include natural consequences.

It’s hard when there’s fail safes. He forgot his music book and viola teacher had an extra so it was fine. He forgot his lunch once and I drive it over when school called. Another Time he forgot lunch and I didn’t drive over but school gave him a lunch and he was happy as a clam. Last week I had him call the library about his lost card and the librarian said not to worry they would just issue him a new card on his next visit.

He’s 8. Help him. Your 8 yr old going to school without his lunch is your fault.

I do help him. If I’ve asked him twice if he is sure he put the lunch I packed (and reminded him twice about) in his backpack, and insists it is there, I am not going to open his backpack to visually check. Are you saying I need to visually check to see if an 8 almost 9 year old has put the lunch I have on the counter for him every morning and have asked him about into his bag?

Your posts make it seem like your goal in helping him is reducing your frustration or the impact on you.

Your goals should be to figure out what skills he's missing, why, and then help him to gain them. So, for instance, in the example above, ask him to open his backpack and put his hands on his lunch because you know when he said yes yesterday, it wasn't really there. You can even say this from the next room. Putting his hand on his lunch is a repeatable routine he can do until he learns not to forget it and should be more helpful than you checking for his lunch. I do this with my kid for packing toothbrush and socks that they tend to forget on trips.

I'd also ask him why like a detective. At the library he may be so excited to read or play in the computer. He also may give reasons that you haven't thought of like he can't reach something, or it's too heavy. Then brainstorm together to solve the problem.

Yesterday I literally handed him underwear and clean socks and said “Here is fresh underwear and socks. Get changed into these, then you can go get dressed.”

10 minutes later he said he was done brushing his teeth and changing. I found the underwear and socks on the couch.

All he had to do was not throw the underwear and socks on the couch. I handed them to him. He just had to walk to the bathroom. The underwear and socks didn’t make it there. You’re saying I should have walked him to the bathroom after handing him his clothes? I don’t think it’s too much to ask an 8-9 year old to take two clothing items and get changed. A 5 or 6 year old I can see.

I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do, but all you seem to be saying is he didn't do this or that task that people his age should be able to, which is not a path toward fixing it. He threw the underwear and socks on the couch for some reason, so by inspection it is (or was in that situation) too much for him. Just wishing that wasn't the case isn't going to help you.

I don't think you should walk him to the bathroom, but I also don't think you should have handed them to him and left and not known he didn't have them until he was in and out of the bathroom and fully dressed 20 minutes later. You seem to waffle between doing everything for him or doing nothing rather than the middle ground of guiding him to do things. I would be narrating a lot more, like, "If you put those on the couch, how will you remember them?" <Maybe a discussion of how realistic that is with past examples.> Then, "It seems like if you set them down now you will be likely to forget them. You need to take them into the bathroom/put them with the rest of your clothes now."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say suspected because he’s never been tested for anything and of course 8 year olds are not as organized as middle schoolers. He remembers dates and times really well but can be disorganized with items.

Examples:
He needs to put gym shoes in his locker. He remembers this himself and packs his shoe bag… At drop off he jumps out of the car with his backpack and leaves the shoe bag in the car.

He goes to the library (takes his own wallet and library card and checks out. Sits and reads or gets on computer and when we get up to leave, leaves his wallet and card.

He has never forgotten major things like his lunch or his homework.


Does anyone have a book I can read to help understand and put strategies in place? I’m punctual and responsible, but tend toward clutter and sometimes misplace things. In kindergarten we used a visual checklist, but he has multiple activities and more supplies now.

This is just so normal for 8yo boys. I have 3. Strategies basically include natural consequences.

It’s hard when there’s fail safes. He forgot his music book and viola teacher had an extra so it was fine. He forgot his lunch once and I drive it over when school called. Another Time he forgot lunch and I didn’t drive over but school gave him a lunch and he was happy as a clam. Last week I had him call the library about his lost card and the librarian said not to worry they would just issue him a new card on his next visit.

He’s 8. Help him. Your 8 yr old going to school without his lunch is your fault.

I do help him. If I’ve asked him twice if he is sure he put the lunch I packed (and reminded him twice about) in his backpack, and insists it is there, I am not going to open his backpack to visually check. Are you saying I need to visually check to see if an 8 almost 9 year old has put the lunch I have on the counter for him every morning and have asked him about into his bag?

Your posts make it seem like your goal in helping him is reducing your frustration or the impact on you.

Your goals should be to figure out what skills he's missing, why, and then help him to gain them. So, for instance, in the example above, ask him to open his backpack and put his hands on his lunch because you know when he said yes yesterday, it wasn't really there. You can even say this from the next room. Putting his hand on his lunch is a repeatable routine he can do until he learns not to forget it and should be more helpful than you checking for his lunch. I do this with my kid for packing toothbrush and socks that they tend to forget on trips.

I'd also ask him why like a detective. At the library he may be so excited to read or play in the computer. He also may give reasons that you haven't thought of like he can't reach something, or it's too heavy. Then brainstorm together to solve the problem.

Yesterday I literally handed him underwear and clean socks and said “Here is fresh underwear and socks. Get changed into these, then you can go get dressed.”

10 minutes later he said he was done brushing his teeth and changing. I found the underwear and socks on the couch.

All he had to do was not throw the underwear and socks on the couch. I handed them to him. He just had to walk to the bathroom. The underwear and socks didn’t make it there. You’re saying I should have walked him to the bathroom after handing him his clothes? I don’t think it’s too much to ask an 8-9 year old to take two clothing items and get changed. A 5 or 6 year old I can see.

I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do, but all you seem to be saying is he didn't do this or that task that people his age should be able to, which is not a path toward fixing it. He threw the underwear and socks on the couch for some reason, so by inspection it is (or was in that situation) too much for him. Just wishing that wasn't the case isn't going to help you.

I don't think you should walk him to the bathroom, but I also don't think you should have handed them to him and left and not known he didn't have them until he was in and out of the bathroom and fully dressed 20 minutes later. You seem to waffle between doing everything for him or doing nothing rather than the middle ground of guiding him to do things. I would be narrating a lot more, like, "If you put those on the couch, how will you remember them?" <Maybe a discussion of how realistic that is with past examples.> Then, "It seems like if you set them down now you will be likely to forget them. You need to take them into the bathroom/put them with the rest of your clothes now."

You… think I need to stand there with a 2nd grader and narrate whether he is taking his underwear that I just handed him! You guys are nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say suspected because he’s never been tested for anything and of course 8 year olds are not as organized as middle schoolers. He remembers dates and times really well but can be disorganized with items.

Examples:
He needs to put gym shoes in his locker. He remembers this himself and packs his shoe bag… At drop off he jumps out of the car with his backpack and leaves the shoe bag in the car.

He goes to the library (takes his own wallet and library card and checks out. Sits and reads or gets on computer and when we get up to leave, leaves his wallet and card.

He has never forgotten major things like his lunch or his homework.


Does anyone have a book I can read to help understand and put strategies in place? I’m punctual and responsible, but tend toward clutter and sometimes misplace things. In kindergarten we used a visual checklist, but he has multiple activities and more supplies now.

This is just so normal for 8yo boys. I have 3. Strategies basically include natural consequences.

It’s hard when there’s fail safes. He forgot his music book and viola teacher had an extra so it was fine. He forgot his lunch once and I drive it over when school called. Another Time he forgot lunch and I didn’t drive over but school gave him a lunch and he was happy as a clam. Last week I had him call the library about his lost card and the librarian said not to worry they would just issue him a new card on his next visit.

He’s 8. Help him. Your 8 yr old going to school without his lunch is your fault.

I do help him. If I’ve asked him twice if he is sure he put the lunch I packed (and reminded him twice about) in his backpack, and insists it is there, I am not going to open his backpack to visually check. Are you saying I need to visually check to see if an 8 almost 9 year old has put the lunch I have on the counter for him every morning and have asked him about into his bag?

Your posts make it seem like your goal in helping him is reducing your frustration or the impact on you.

Your goals should be to figure out what skills he's missing, why, and then help him to gain them. So, for instance, in the example above, ask him to open his backpack and put his hands on his lunch because you know when he said yes yesterday, it wasn't really there. You can even say this from the next room. Putting his hand on his lunch is a repeatable routine he can do until he learns not to forget it and should be more helpful than you checking for his lunch. I do this with my kid for packing toothbrush and socks that they tend to forget on trips.

I'd also ask him why like a detective. At the library he may be so excited to read or play in the computer. He also may give reasons that you haven't thought of like he can't reach something, or it's too heavy. Then brainstorm together to solve the problem.

Yesterday I literally handed him underwear and clean socks and said “Here is fresh underwear and socks. Get changed into these, then you can go get dressed.”

10 minutes later he said he was done brushing his teeth and changing. I found the underwear and socks on the couch.

All he had to do was not throw the underwear and socks on the couch. I handed them to him. He just had to walk to the bathroom. The underwear and socks didn’t make it there. You’re saying I should have walked him to the bathroom after handing him his clothes? I don’t think it’s too much to ask an 8-9 year old to take two clothing items and get changed. A 5 or 6 year old I can see.

I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do, but all you seem to be saying is he didn't do this or that task that people his age should be able to, which is not a path toward fixing it. He threw the underwear and socks on the couch for some reason, so by inspection it is (or was in that situation) too much for him. Just wishing that wasn't the case isn't going to help you.

I don't think you should walk him to the bathroom, but I also don't think you should have handed them to him and left and not known he didn't have them until he was in and out of the bathroom and fully dressed 20 minutes later. You seem to waffle between doing everything for him or doing nothing rather than the middle ground of guiding him to do things. I would be narrating a lot more, like, "If you put those on the couch, how will you remember them?" <Maybe a discussion of how realistic that is with past examples.> Then, "It seems like if you set them down now you will be likely to forget them. You need to take them into the bathroom/put them with the rest of your clothes now."

You… think I need to stand there with a 2nd grader and narrate whether he is taking his underwear that I just handed him! You guys are nuts.

I wrote that and I don't have to do that with my second grader because they don't struggle with it but I do sometimes have to do it with my middle schooler. Whatever you are doing isn't working according to you. Why not try something else?

The narrating, by the way, isn't to to get him to do it today, it's to get him to think like a person who is monitoring what he's doing. Planning is one of the executive functions and IIRC there's one about taking in feedback and changing behavior or at least that's part of the planning cycle.

*Middle schooler has improved at executive function and is also aware they need help with it sometimes but knows how to advocate for themselves/their strengths and weaknesses/learning style, etc., but still needs guidance on certain things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say suspected because he’s never been tested for anything and of course 8 year olds are not as organized as middle schoolers. He remembers dates and times really well but can be disorganized with items.

Examples:
He needs to put gym shoes in his locker. He remembers this himself and packs his shoe bag… At drop off he jumps out of the car with his backpack and leaves the shoe bag in the car.

He goes to the library (takes his own wallet and library card and checks out. Sits and reads or gets on computer and when we get up to leave, leaves his wallet and card.

He has never forgotten major things like his lunch or his homework.


Does anyone have a book I can read to help understand and put strategies in place? I’m punctual and responsible, but tend toward clutter and sometimes misplace things. In kindergarten we used a visual checklist, but he has multiple activities and more supplies now.

This is just so normal for 8yo boys. I have 3. Strategies basically include natural consequences.

It’s hard when there’s fail safes. He forgot his music book and viola teacher had an extra so it was fine. He forgot his lunch once and I drive it over when school called. Another Time he forgot lunch and I didn’t drive over but school gave him a lunch and he was happy as a clam. Last week I had him call the library about his lost card and the librarian said not to worry they would just issue him a new card on his next visit.

He’s 8. Help him. Your 8 yr old going to school without his lunch is your fault.

I do help him. If I’ve asked him twice if he is sure he put the lunch I packed (and reminded him twice about) in his backpack, and insists it is there, I am not going to open his backpack to visually check. Are you saying I need to visually check to see if an 8 almost 9 year old has put the lunch I have on the counter for him every morning and have asked him about into his bag?

Your posts make it seem like your goal in helping him is reducing your frustration or the impact on you.

Your goals should be to figure out what skills he's missing, why, and then help him to gain them. So, for instance, in the example above, ask him to open his backpack and put his hands on his lunch because you know when he said yes yesterday, it wasn't really there. You can even say this from the next room. Putting his hand on his lunch is a repeatable routine he can do until he learns not to forget it and should be more helpful than you checking for his lunch. I do this with my kid for packing toothbrush and socks that they tend to forget on trips.

I'd also ask him why like a detective. At the library he may be so excited to read or play in the computer. He also may give reasons that you haven't thought of like he can't reach something, or it's too heavy. Then brainstorm together to solve the problem.

Yesterday I literally handed him underwear and clean socks and said “Here is fresh underwear and socks. Get changed into these, then you can go get dressed.”

10 minutes later he said he was done brushing his teeth and changing. I found the underwear and socks on the couch.

All he had to do was not throw the underwear and socks on the couch. I handed them to him. He just had to walk to the bathroom. The underwear and socks didn’t make it there. You’re saying I should have walked him to the bathroom after handing him his clothes? I don’t think it’s too much to ask an 8-9 year old to take two clothing items and get changed. A 5 or 6 year old I can see.

I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do, but all you seem to be saying is he didn't do this or that task that people his age should be able to, which is not a path toward fixing it. He threw the underwear and socks on the couch for some reason, so by inspection it is (or was in that situation) too much for him. Just wishing that wasn't the case isn't going to help you.

I don't think you should walk him to the bathroom, but I also don't think you should have handed them to him and left and not known he didn't have them until he was in and out of the bathroom and fully dressed 20 minutes later. You seem to waffle between doing everything for him or doing nothing rather than the middle ground of guiding him to do things. I would be narrating a lot more, like, "If you put those on the couch, how will you remember them?" <Maybe a discussion of how realistic that is with past examples.> Then, "It seems like if you set them down now you will be likely to forget them. You need to take them into the bathroom/put them with the rest of your clothes now."

You… think I need to stand there with a 2nd grader and narrate whether he is taking his underwear that I just handed him! You guys are nuts.

I wrote that and I don't have to do that with my second grader because they don't struggle with it but I do sometimes have to do it with my middle schooler. Whatever you are doing isn't working according to you. Why not try something else?

The narrating, by the way, isn't to to get him to do it today, it's to get him to think like a person who is monitoring what he's doing. Planning is one of the executive functions and IIRC there's one about taking in feedback and changing behavior or at least that's part of the planning cycle.

*Middle schooler has improved at executive function and is also aware they need help with it sometimes but knows how to advocate for themselves/their strengths and weaknesses/learning style, etc., but still needs guidance on certain things.

I should have said isn't only to get him to do it today. It's more of a long-term strategy. Also these things need to be repeated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your DS is is a young kid and he forgets stuff. You're the mom here: step up and stop pathologizing your kid.

He is almost 9. I hear from everyone over and over on this board that their kids are walking to the store, riding bikes, staying home alone, cooking well before 9. But he can’t be trusted to have place his packed lunch in his bag after I ask him, or to take an instrument to an instrument lesson? You’re saying I should hover over my kid and remind him of every single item he needs for every single place we go AND visually check after he confirms?

No to the bolded, or if you're seeing it here it's exaggerations. Your expectations are not realistic. (And IMO, your expectations are not kind. We've all seen a movie with a parentified 9 yo who is packing lunches for 3 younger siblings: that's not supposed to be aspirational.)

More importantly - even if other kids are doing it, you parent the kid you have. There is a wide range of maturity in the 8-15 range and nothing you've said suggests he has a disorder.

What it sounds like to me is that you are rushed and flustered, and you resent that he is one more thing for you to take care of. He is absolutely internalizing that, btw, which is sad as well as demonstrably ineffective in getting him to remember his belongings. Stop rushing out to the car and plan your time so that you can walk out the door with him, observing the things he has with him and talking to him about it.

Nobody is rushing to the car. He has 30 minutes to eat breakfast (after which I usually have to remind him to place his plate in the sink and throw his dirty napkin away). He brushes teeth and gets dressed. I help with grooming and like I said, give reminders. I don’t know what you’re talking about with 9 year olds packing lunches for 3 year olds. I do observe what he has and don’t have. My question is how do I put more and more on him and help him to be organized especially as he goes into upper elementary school, because it’s been a small amount of improvement with 3 years of the same daily routine and reminders. I can’t follow him to middle school.

Upper elementary?? It's August of 2nd grade. He's a baby. Last year his classmates were learning to read and tie their shoes.

I have an organized, NT, independent 12 yo. And I absolutely helped with basic living stuff at 8, including making sure her hair was adequately rinsed in the shower and she got dressed quickly when we needed to go. She packs her own school bag now but she sure didn't at 8.

So yes, IME you do stand over them, as part of the scaffolding that gets them to independence by middle school. That is the answer everyone has been giving you and you don't want to hear it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I say suspected because he’s never been tested for anything and of course 8 year olds are not as organized as middle schoolers. He remembers dates and times really well but can be disorganized with items.

Examples:
He needs to put gym shoes in his locker. He remembers this himself and packs his shoe bag… At drop off he jumps out of the car with his backpack and leaves the shoe bag in the car.

He goes to the library (takes his own wallet and library card and checks out. Sits and reads or gets on computer and when we get up to leave, leaves his wallet and card.

He has never forgotten major things like his lunch or his homework.


Does anyone have a book I can read to help understand and put strategies in place? I’m punctual and responsible, but tend toward clutter and sometimes misplace things. In kindergarten we used a visual checklist, but he has multiple activities and more supplies now.

This is just so normal for 8yo boys. I have 3. Strategies basically include natural consequences.

It’s hard when there’s fail safes. He forgot his music book and viola teacher had an extra so it was fine. He forgot his lunch once and I drive it over when school called. Another Time he forgot lunch and I didn’t drive over but school gave him a lunch and he was happy as a clam. Last week I had him call the library about his lost card and the librarian said not to worry they would just issue him a new card on his next visit.

He’s 8. Help him. Your 8 yr old going to school without his lunch is your fault.

I do help him. If I’ve asked him twice if he is sure he put the lunch I packed (and reminded him twice about) in his backpack, and insists it is there, I am not going to open his backpack to visually check. Are you saying I need to visually check to see if an 8 almost 9 year old has put the lunch I have on the counter for him every morning and have asked him about into his bag?

Your posts make it seem like your goal in helping him is reducing your frustration or the impact on you.

Your goals should be to figure out what skills he's missing, why, and then help him to gain them. So, for instance, in the example above, ask him to open his backpack and put his hands on his lunch because you know when he said yes yesterday, it wasn't really there. You can even say this from the next room. Putting his hand on his lunch is a repeatable routine he can do until he learns not to forget it and should be more helpful than you checking for his lunch. I do this with my kid for packing toothbrush and socks that they tend to forget on trips.

I'd also ask him why like a detective. At the library he may be so excited to read or play in the computer. He also may give reasons that you haven't thought of like he can't reach something, or it's too heavy. Then brainstorm together to solve the problem.

Yesterday I literally handed him underwear and clean socks and said “Here is fresh underwear and socks. Get changed into these, then you can go get dressed.”

10 minutes later he said he was done brushing his teeth and changing. I found the underwear and socks on the couch.

All he had to do was not throw the underwear and socks on the couch. I handed them to him. He just had to walk to the bathroom. The underwear and socks didn’t make it there. You’re saying I should have walked him to the bathroom after handing him his clothes? I don’t think it’s too much to ask an 8-9 year old to take two clothing items and get changed. A 5 or 6 year old I can see.

You handed him socks and underwear and then where did you go? He should have stood up and carried them away, but he left them and you didn't see it happen -- did you walk right out of the room?

It's obvious something's not connecting, and if you are just dropping instructions as you buzz by him, that's a good place to start to work. Stop. Make eye contact. Even ask him to repeat back - or better, make a game like "can you do these 2 things before I can get my 2 shoes on?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^and before you say I should have organized the socks and underwear - we have set up a 5 unit hanging thing in his closet. I helped him out an outfit for each day in there including fresh socks and underwear. So he already missed step 1 of getting that stuff from the bin. He did grab his shirt and pants.

I don't understand. Was this one time that he didn't put on fresh undies? Or do you stand over him and watch him get dressed every day because he otherwise won't put on new underwear?

[Anonymous]

I agree with many others commenting in that I'm not hearing any significant concerns, and his behaviors sound developmentally appropriate.

That's a lot of responsibility for a 2nd grader.

I didn't read (every) comment but you could attach a lanyard or stretchy lanyard with the library card in it.

Visual calendars are super helpful for young children and perhaps you could even use velcro to put in the car with a picture of the backpack with "backpack" "water bottle", ect. so he can see it as he's getting out of the car or see it at the door, leaving the house.

I just downloaded an app for my 10 year old in 5th grade called, 'the brili app' -the family app, which is designed for children with ADHD.

I also have a 7-year-old with ADHD who just started 2nd grade, but I don't feel like he's ready for something like that. We are working on putting up our visual calendars to support him and are walking him through our new family routine with each step and supporting him and teaching him HOW to do each task (it will take multiple times to for them to learn and remember it) before we ask him to remember new tasks on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with many others commenting in that I'm not hearing any significant concerns, and his behaviors sound developmentally appropriate.

That's a lot of responsibility for a 2nd grader.

I didn't read (every) comment but you could attach a lanyard or stretchy lanyard with the library card in it.

Visual calendars are super helpful for young children and perhaps you could even use velcro to put in the car with a picture of the backpack with "backpack" "water bottle", ect. so he can see it as he's getting out of the car or see it at the door, leaving the house.

I just downloaded an app for my 10 year old in 5th grade called, 'the brili app' -the family app, which is designed for children with ADHD.

I also have a 7-year-old with ADHD who just started 2nd grade, but I don't feel like he's ready for something like that. We are working on putting up our visual calendars to support him and are walking him through our new family routine with each step and supporting him and teaching him HOW to do each task (it will take multiple times to for them to learn and remember it) before we ask him to remember new tasks on his own.

oh and I meant attach the lanyard to the inside of his backpack, which reduces the chance he will lose it. My 2nd grader would 100% lose it without that.