Need help for older teen DS who has explosive temper tantrums

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m following bc I have the same issue, except much more frequently - at least once a day. After one of these outbursts, which are usually targeted at me and centered on how everything bad in his world is my fault, I am depleted and want to crawl into a hole. Like I literally have to go lie down in fetal position to recuperate. He has always been like this - he used to throw and destroy objects when he was younger, putting holes in the walls. He grew out of that and now it’s more yelling/cursing/storming around/blaming. He has pushed me a few times, but not in many years. I have taken him to so many doctors. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD and is medicated, but I sometimes find his pills hidden and even when I have watched him take his medication, he acts the same. I have tried taking him to numerous talk therapists over the years and he sits there, will not answer their questions or engage in talk therapy. If they ask him if anything is wrong, he says his life is great. School counselors have tried talking to him and he clams up or says everything is fine. I don’t blame him for being angry. His dad is a mess and destroyed our marriage and his career with his explosive temper, and even though his temper made everyone at home miserable, my son is still furious at me for divorcing him. He has tons of friends and is beloved by friends’ parents, who do not see this side of him. He gets near perfect grades. I have tried consequences but they don’t work. There isn’t anything he cares about enough that he doesn’t mind giving it up except his phone, which I have tried taking away but inevitably he will need it for logistics and homework coordination with classmates. He is also a perfectionist. At this point, I feel like I am living with his dad again, always walking on eggshells wondering when he will explode next and preferring to avoid him bc spending time with him is so unpleasant because it always ends up with him yelling at me about something. For those saying forgive, forgive, forgive, if I just let him act like this without consequence, won’t I just be raising him to be an adult who destroys his own marriage with his temper (or even worse, is physically abusive and harms another person)? But talking about it, trying consequences, trying therapy, nothing has worked. I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel hopeless.

I wouldn’t live with a child like this. I would send them to their father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m following bc I have the same issue, except much more frequently - at least once a day. After one of these outbursts, which are usually targeted at me and centered on how everything bad in his world is my fault, I am depleted and want to crawl into a hole. Like I literally have to go lie down in fetal position to recuperate. He has always been like this - he used to throw and destroy objects when he was younger, putting holes in the walls. He grew out of that and now it’s more yelling/cursing/storming around/blaming. He has pushed me a few times, but not in many years. I have taken him to so many doctors. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD and is medicated, but I sometimes find his pills hidden and even when I have watched him take his medication, he acts the same. I have tried taking him to numerous talk therapists over the years and he sits there, will not answer their questions or engage in talk therapy. If they ask him if anything is wrong, he says his life is great. School counselors have tried talking to him and he clams up or says everything is fine. I don’t blame him for being angry. His dad is a mess and destroyed our marriage and his career with his explosive temper, and even though his temper made everyone at home miserable, my son is still furious at me for divorcing him. He has tons of friends and is beloved by friends’ parents, who do not see this side of him. He gets near perfect grades. I have tried consequences but they don’t work. There isn’t anything he cares about enough that he doesn’t mind giving it up except his phone, which I have tried taking away but inevitably he will need it for logistics and homework coordination with classmates. He is also a perfectionist. At this point, I feel like I am living with his dad again, always walking on eggshells wondering when he will explode next and preferring to avoid him bc spending time with him is so unpleasant because it always ends up with him yelling at me about something. For those saying forgive, forgive, forgive, if I just let him act like this without consequence, won’t I just be raising him to be an adult who destroys his own marriage with his temper (or even worse, is physically abusive and harms another person)? But talking about it, trying consequences, trying therapy, nothing has worked. I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel hopeless.

Do you talk like that around him? If so, it's no wonder he doesn't like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he has untreated ADHD and probably anxiety, and he's old enough to refuse treatment. I'm sorry -- I don't know how you make a teenager get treatment.

Yes, he was dx with adhd in middle school but doesn’t want meds.

Don't worry about that. The first thing too many posters jump to for ADHD is meds meds meds.

Having sons your DS's age, OP, I'm guessing that there is some unresolved grief/ anger about losing his dad. Do not underestimate how hard this is on kids, particularly as they hit milestones like college search and realize the hole this has left.

If I were you I would have an immediate conversation with my brother about this. I'm really hoping that he can step up his involvement in your son's life this last year of high school. Your son needs a place to put all of that anger at the unfairness of the loss of his dad on someone else and it should not be you.

Thank you. This is really thoughtful advice…

You're welcome. It's one of those things that is clear to see from the outside (to someone who has sons this age), but I'm sure living it day to day clouds your view.

And disregard the posters who say you're giving him no consequences or that you shouldn't be helping him with his college apps. They are ignoring the elephant in the room.

The thing is, your son is right. It IS unfair that he lost his dad. He needs to have those feelings validated and understood. He has missed a lot in his life because he saw other boys' relationships with their fathers. It is 100% unfair that this happened to him. However... life is unfair. We all have burdens and unfair things happen to us. He needs to build the skills to cope with this and learn that he can trust himself to love someone like your brother to help show him the way.

I think this is a valid point but how does one do this when the son refuses therapy? I went through some stuff when I was younger and dealt with things through bad coping skills. Frankly I wouldn't have listened to advice or wisdom from the ones closest to me, it wasn't until I was at rock bottom that I started listening to a therapist, really becoming accountable for my actions, and learning healthy coping skills. I'm sure OP wants to avoid rock bottom for her child.

Also, I agree your brother can provide male support. However: my H is an uncle to a nephew (14yo) with anger and aggressiveness issues. My BIL went through some severe health problems last year and my H stepped up to help. He listened to nephew, comforted him, did activities with him, created boundaries on what was acceptable/not acceptable, and basically made himself there for nephew. But nothing changed and my H ended up having to step back because it was beginning to affect his own mental health. Eventually my BIL said they were taking him to get evaluated and start therapy but we never heard anything about it again...obviously it's none of our business. But we worry.

I imagine your son doesn't want to do therapy because it will bring up events and feelings that are uncomfortable. And when he has these uncomfortable feelings he takes them out on you. And while I get you are there for your son, there also has to be boundaries in place on how he treats you. Maybe you could visit a therapist to come up with strategies to deal with the tantrums for now? Like maybe walking away, gray rocking, etc. Maybe the books other posters recommended would have some strategies.

[Anonymous]

He lost his dad. yes that sucks and isn't fair, but you know what lots of kids s are in the same boat. lots of things un life are unfair. Losing your dad and having adhd, anxiety etc does not give you the right to be abusive and yes that's what he's being. he's 17/18 years old not a toddler. How will this end for him if he chooses to act this way with a girlfriend, a roomate, a professor, or the cops. Do you really think anxiety, adhid, and lost daddy are going to dave him. It's fine to be stressed and ancious but your coping methods cannot include being abusive to someone els.e And you and his uncle tneed to set him straight right quick before the law does it for you.

[Anonymous]

OP you have great advice here. I can only suggest that you back way the F off on college. Work on his mental health issues. College may or may not come his way but the anxiety and your relationship with him will be a lifelong issue if not addressed. You are doing the right things, asking the right questions and seeing the issues clearly. Frontal lobe development is a real thing so this may take time and professionals but you got this.

Really GOOD JOB Mom!

[Anonymous]

Agree that getting brother more involved likely would help a lot. Teenaged boys need to have a dad - or an uncle - to do things with and to talk with.

[Anonymous]

Don’t hate me for saying it, but as a former DV advocate and prosecutor I feel morally obligated to encourage you to consider the unthinkable and safety plan to avoid it. You might consider locking your bedroom door at night, to start with.

Among the men who murder women in domestic violence situations are, sadly, a not insubstantial number of sons who kill their mothers. It can happen at any age but during the adolescent and early adult years the risk is highest. Your son is exhibiting explosive disorder symptoms even if he’s not full blown and he’s obviously in the thick of burgeoning testosterone and also at an age of great vulnerability for manifestation of serious mental illness.

I hope it all works out but please consider the unthinkable at least long enough to safety plan for yourself and any other children in the home.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar situation with teen with adhd
I realized I needed to be more loving and less harpy, not saying this is you, but I know i was impatient and super frustrated and it showed
I made a commitment to show him love, hug him each day. Just a casusal “hey I didn’t get a hug today” and I made a point to nag him less. Over time things did improve. Were things perfect- no, but the strain was greatly reduced and our relationship was much better. Good luck - sending a hug to you and your boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s very stressed about college but his anger scares me. He’s very aggressive, screams and curses at me, blaming everything on me, saying I’m the worst mom ever. This happens once every few weeks.

No dh to help unfortunately but dc is close with his uncle, my brother

Dc went to therapy once or twice, now refuses.

I try to talk to him in calmer moments but he typically refuses. When I tell him his outbursts worry me, he says I’m exaggerating and being manipulative, and he’s fine but for my meddling.

Ex I signed him up for an in person college app session at a particular school. Told him (generally) about it, left an agenda on his desk, and then he gets the emails about it. I have access to his emails and could see 3 or 4 reminders were sent. So I go to take him, he realizes it’s a long session and throws an absolute fit, screaming that I signed him without telling him, how dare I, I’m so stupid, he hates me, etc.

He does decently in school, not great, and seems to have a good group of friends, activities etc. But over the years, he has had a few flare ups/conflicts here and there out in the world/at school, but he has never been in trouble

He is a bit of a perfectionist ironically, and no drugs, very limited drinking (we talk a lot about this stuff ironically)

He was diagnosed with mild ADHD in middle school. He will not take meds or go back to a therapist or doctor now

Thoughts? Ideas? Again, therapy is not an option right now.

What are you doing to trigger his anger? Perhaps start there.

Only YOU can change yourself.
Same for your son, only he can change himself.

So work on yourself and try to be less anger-provoking by not doing whatever you are doing to upset him.

Yikes, blaming the mom here is crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hate me for saying it, but as a former DV advocate and prosecutor I feel morally obligated to encourage you to consider the unthinkable and safety plan to avoid it. You might consider locking your bedroom door at night, to start with.

Among the men who murder women in domestic violence situations are, sadly, a not insubstantial number of sons who kill their mothers. It can happen at any age but during the adolescent and early adult years the risk is highest. Your son is exhibiting explosive disorder symptoms even if he’s not full blown and he’s obviously in the thick of burgeoning testosterone and also at an age of great vulnerability for manifestation of serious mental illness.

I hope it all works out but please consider the unthinkable at least long enough to safety plan for yourself and any other children in the home.

Huge over reaction and not what this mom needs right now. Do you have a teen and have you experienced the year before they go to college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hate me for saying it, but as a former DV advocate and prosecutor I feel morally obligated to encourage you to consider the unthinkable and safety plan to avoid it. You might consider locking your bedroom door at night, to start with.

Among the men who murder women in domestic violence situations are, sadly, a not insubstantial number of sons who kill their mothers. It can happen at any age but during the adolescent and early adult years the risk is highest. Your son is exhibiting explosive disorder symptoms even if he’s not full blown and he’s obviously in the thick of burgeoning testosterone and also at an age of great vulnerability for manifestation of serious mental illness.

I hope it all works out but please consider the unthinkable at least long enough to safety plan for yourself and any other children in the home.

Huge over reaction and not what this mom needs right now. Do you have a teen and have you experienced the year before they go to college?

I mean, it is probably unlikely that this kid will do such a thing, but what OP is describing goes far beyond normal crankiness or disrespect from an older teen, based on her own description. I’m not sure she needs a safety plan because what it sounds like is this kid just has not been taught that he cannot treat women aggressively. OP needs to get very serious about teaching him that he may not act aggressively with no consequences. She should get support from a child psychologist experienced in aggressive behaviors. The kid is too old to use the techniques OP should have instituted a decade ago, but OP can definitely start showing her teen that he cannot be aggressive without consequences. Letting him know that any aggression results in an instant loss of privileges, OP walking away and not engaging, up to calling the police and having the teen move out. This is serious stuff and not a “temper tantrum.”

Background: I have a young teen with a temper with a dad with a temper. I have been working with therapists since he was 6 on this. Kid still has a temper but knows that there are extremely strong boundaries about any sort of aggression (including threats). If you do not start at 6 firmly telling boys “you may not hit me, you may not yell at me,” then this is where you end up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hate me for saying it, but as a former DV advocate and prosecutor I feel morally obligated to encourage you to consider the unthinkable and safety plan to avoid it. You might consider locking your bedroom door at night, to start with.

Among the men who murder women in domestic violence situations are, sadly, a not insubstantial number of sons who kill their mothers. It can happen at any age but during the adolescent and early adult years the risk is highest. Your son is exhibiting explosive disorder symptoms even if he’s not full blown and he’s obviously in the thick of burgeoning testosterone and also at an age of great vulnerability for manifestation of serious mental illness.

I hope it all works out but please consider the unthinkable at least long enough to safety plan for yourself and any other children in the home.

Huge over reaction and not what this mom needs right now. Do you have a teen and have you experienced the year before they go to college?

I mean, it is probably unlikely that this kid will do such a thing, but what OP is describing goes far beyond normal crankiness or disrespect from an older teen, based on her own description. I’m not sure she needs a safety plan because what it sounds like is this kid just has not been taught that he cannot treat women aggressively. OP needs to get very serious about teaching him that he may not act aggressively with no consequences. She should get support from a child psychologist experienced in aggressive behaviors. The kid is too old to use the techniques OP should have instituted a decade ago, but OP can definitely start showing her teen that he cannot be aggressive without consequences. Letting him know that any aggression results in an instant loss of privileges, OP walking away and not engaging, up to calling the police and having the teen move out. This is serious stuff and not a “temper tantrum.”

Background: I have a young teen with a temper with a dad with a temper. I have been working with therapists since he was 6 on this. Kid still has a temper but knows that there are extremely strong boundaries about any sort of aggression (including threats). If you do not start at 6 firmly telling boys “you may not hit me, you may not yell at me,” then this is where you end up.

I disagree. I also work with teens and neither of us know OP or her kid in real life. I’m one of the posters who gave advice about my kid and think this absolutely sounds normal, especially for a kid who lost his father. I think you are projecting a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hate me for saying it, but as a former DV advocate and prosecutor I feel morally obligated to encourage you to consider the unthinkable and safety plan to avoid it. You might consider locking your bedroom door at night, to start with.

Among the men who murder women in domestic violence situations are, sadly, a not insubstantial number of sons who kill their mothers. It can happen at any age but during the adolescent and early adult years the risk is highest. Your son is exhibiting explosive disorder symptoms even if he’s not full blown and he’s obviously in the thick of burgeoning testosterone and also at an age of great vulnerability for manifestation of serious mental illness.

I hope it all works out but please consider the unthinkable at least long enough to safety plan for yourself and any other children in the home.

I can see why you have this take on things since you are used to DV situations but -- Jesus Christ, this is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hate me for saying it, but as a former DV advocate and prosecutor I feel morally obligated to encourage you to consider the unthinkable and safety plan to avoid it. You might consider locking your bedroom door at night, to start with.

Among the men who murder women in domestic violence situations are, sadly, a not insubstantial number of sons who kill their mothers. It can happen at any age but during the adolescent and early adult years the risk is highest. Your son is exhibiting explosive disorder symptoms even if he’s not full blown and he’s obviously in the thick of burgeoning testosterone and also at an age of great vulnerability for manifestation of serious mental illness.

I hope it all works out but please consider the unthinkable at least long enough to safety plan for yourself and any other children in the home.

Huge over reaction and not what this mom needs right now. Do you have a teen and have you experienced the year before they go to college?

I mean, it is probably unlikely that this kid will do such a thing, but what OP is describing goes far beyond normal crankiness or disrespect from an older teen, based on her own description. I’m not sure she needs a safety plan because what it sounds like is this kid just has not been taught that he cannot treat women aggressively. OP needs to get very serious about teaching him that he may not act aggressively with no consequences. She should get support from a child psychologist experienced in aggressive behaviors. The kid is too old to use the techniques OP should have instituted a decade ago, but OP can definitely start showing her teen that he cannot be aggressive without consequences. Letting him know that any aggression results in an instant loss of privileges, OP walking away and not engaging, up to calling the police and having the teen move out. This is serious stuff and not a “temper tantrum.”

Background: I have a young teen with a temper with a dad with a temper. I have been working with therapists since he was 6 on this. Kid still has a temper but knows that there are extremely strong boundaries about any sort of aggression (including threats). If you do not start at 6 firmly telling boys “you may not hit me, you may not yell at me,” then this is where you end up.

I disagree. I also work with teens and neither of us know OP or her kid in real life. I’m one of the posters who gave advice about my kid and think this absolutely sounds normal, especially for a kid who lost his father. I think you are projecting a bit.

You need to reread what OP wrote: “ but his anger scares me. He’s very aggressive, screams and curses at me, blaming everything on me, saying I’m the worst mom ever”

It is not normal to be scared of your child. This is not a tantrum. It is aggression. Waving aggression off as “normal” is how kids who should have gotten interventions at 6 end up threatening their mothers at 17.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hate me for saying it, but as a former DV advocate and prosecutor I feel morally obligated to encourage you to consider the unthinkable and safety plan to avoid it. You might consider locking your bedroom door at night, to start with.

Among the men who murder women in domestic violence situations are, sadly, a not insubstantial number of sons who kill their mothers. It can happen at any age but during the adolescent and early adult years the risk is highest. Your son is exhibiting explosive disorder symptoms even if he’s not full blown and he’s obviously in the thick of burgeoning testosterone and also at an age of great vulnerability for manifestation of serious mental illness.

I hope it all works out but please consider the unthinkable at least long enough to safety plan for yourself and any other children in the home.

I can see why you have this take on things since you are used to DV situations but -- Jesus Christ, this is crazy.

Respectfully how do you think men become abusers? I agree that it is a stretch to think that OP’s child is so dangerous she needs to lock the door, but this kid is on a path to pushing around all the women in his life. Because OP is not putting a stop to it.