Need help for older teen DS who has explosive temper tantrums

[Anonymous]

He’s very stressed about college but his anger scares me. He’s very aggressive, screams and curses at me, blaming everything on me, saying I’m the worst mom ever. This happens once every few weeks.

No dh to help unfortunately but dc is close with his uncle, my brother

Dc went to therapy once or twice, now refuses.

I try to talk to him in calmer moments but he typically refuses. When I tell him his outbursts worry me, he says I’m exaggerating and being manipulative, and he’s fine but for my meddling.

Ex I signed him up for an in person college app session at a particular school. Told him (generally) about it, left an agenda on his desk, and then he gets the emails about it. I have access to his emails and could see 3 or 4 reminders were sent. So I go to take him, he realizes it’s a long session and throws an absolute fit, screaming that I signed him without telling him, how dare I, I’m so stupid, he hates me, etc.

He does decently in school, not great, and seems to have a good group of friends, activities etc. But over the years, he has had a few flare ups/conflicts here and there out in the world/at school, but he has never been in trouble

He is a bit of a perfectionist ironically, and no drugs, very limited drinking (we talk a lot about this stuff ironically)

He was diagnosed with mild ADHD in middle school. He will not take meds or go back to a therapist or doctor now

Thoughts? Ideas? Again, therapy is not an option right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s very stressed about college but his anger scares me. He’s very aggressive, screams and curses at me, blaming everything on me, saying I’m the worst mom ever. This happens once every few weeks.

No dh to help unfortunately but dc is close with his uncle, my brother

Dc went to therapy once or twice, now refuses.

I try to talk to him in calmer moments but he typically refuses. When I tell him his outbursts worry me, he says I’m exaggerating and being manipulative, and he’s fine but for my meddling.

Ex I signed him up for an in person college app session at a particular school. Told him (generally) about it, left an agenda on his desk, and then he gets the emails about it. I have access to his emails and could see 3 or 4 reminders were sent. So I go to take him, he realizes it’s a long session and throws an absolute fit, screaming that I signed him without telling him, how dare I, I’m so stupid, he hates me, etc.

He does decently in school, not great, and seems to have a good group of friends, activities etc. But over the years, he has had a few flare ups/conflicts here and there out in the world/at school, but he has never been in trouble

He is a bit of a perfectionist ironically, and no drugs, very limited drinking (we talk a lot about this stuff ironically)

He was diagnosed with mild ADHD in middle school. He will not take meds or go back to a therapist or doctor now

Thoughts? Ideas? Again, therapy is not an option right now.

OP my sympathies. This is hard.

A few things:

First, get the book "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy" and focus on the part about explosive anger. Read the whole book, though; it will be helpful.

I know you said that there is no dad in the picture; where is he? Could this be anger from abandonment issues? It may be painful but you need to go there if it will help your son.

[Anonymous]

PS - And if your brother is close to your son, by all means get him involved. Boys this age need dads/ male role models in their lives. That's just a fact of life.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he has untreated ADHD and probably anxiety, and he's old enough to refuse treatment. I'm sorry -- I don't know how you make a teenager get treatment.

[Anonymous]

You have been tolerating his inappropriate behavior to you with no consequences. That’s why he does this. Now you have an almost adult man who believes he has the right to push you around. I’m honestly not sure it can be fixed at this point. The best you can do is learn some basic behavioral management techniques and not reinforce his aggression. That is, you just walk away and let him face the consequences. Drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s very stressed about college but his anger scares me. He’s very aggressive, screams and curses at me, blaming everything on me, saying I’m the worst mom ever. This happens once every few weeks.

No dh to help unfortunately but dc is close with his uncle, my brother

Dc went to therapy once or twice, now refuses.

I try to talk to him in calmer moments but he typically refuses. When I tell him his outbursts worry me, he says I’m exaggerating and being manipulative, and he’s fine but for my meddling.

Ex I signed him up for an in person college app session at a particular school. Told him (generally) about it, left an agenda on his desk, and then he gets the emails about it. I have access to his emails and could see 3 or 4 reminders were sent. So I go to take him, he realizes it’s a long session and throws an absolute fit, screaming that I signed him without telling him, how dare I, I’m so stupid, he hates me, etc.

He does decently in school, not great, and seems to have a good group of friends, activities etc. But over the years, he has had a few flare ups/conflicts here and there out in the world/at school, but he has never been in trouble

He is a bit of a perfectionist ironically, and no drugs, very limited drinking (we talk a lot about this stuff ironically)

He was diagnosed with mild ADHD in middle school. He will not take meds or go back to a therapist or doctor now

Thoughts? Ideas? Again, therapy is not an option right now.

OP my sympathies. This is hard.

A few things:

First, get the book "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy" and focus on the part about explosive anger. Read the whole book, though; it will be helpful.

I know you said that there is no dad in the picture; where is he? Could this be anger from abandonment issues? It may be painful but you need to go there if it will help your son.

Thanks for the book suggestion!

Dh passed away when DC was young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he has untreated ADHD and probably anxiety, and he's old enough to refuse treatment. I'm sorry -- I don't know how you make a teenager get treatment.

Yes, he was dx with adhd in middle school but doesn’t want meds.

[Anonymous]

Give him a massive hug and lots of love. He needs that more now than ever since he is so stressed out. He's taking it out on you which is not okay but he needs your help. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have been tolerating his inappropriate behavior to you with no consequences. That’s why he does this. Now you have an almost adult man who believes he has the right to push you around. I’m honestly not sure it can be fixed at this point. The best you can do is learn some basic behavioral management techniques and not reinforce his aggression. That is, you just walk away and let him face the consequences. Drop the rope.

Not sure where you’re reading that he’s never faced consequences in the past- he’s lost phone privileges, been grounded, lost his gaming computer, received detention at school etc.
It’s a bit weird that you jumped there… so I’ll disengage with you because I don’t think you’re a good judge of human behavior yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he has untreated ADHD and probably anxiety, and he's old enough to refuse treatment. I'm sorry -- I don't know how you make a teenager get treatment.

Yes, he was dx with adhd in middle school but doesn’t want meds.

Don't worry about that. The first thing too many posters jump to for ADHD is meds meds meds.

Having sons your DS's age, OP, I'm guessing that there is some unresolved grief/ anger about losing his dad. Do not underestimate how hard this is on kids, particularly as they hit milestones like college search and realize the hole this has left.

If I were you I would have an immediate conversation with my brother about this. I'm really hoping that he can step up his involvement in your son's life this last year of high school. Your son needs a place to put all of that anger at the unfairness of the loss of his dad on someone else and it should not be you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PS - And if your brother is close to your son, by all means get him involved. Boys this age need dads/ male role models in their lives. That's just a fact of life.

Op here. Totally agree and my brother is great with him

[Anonymous]

OP
Stop helping him with the college process.

He needs to own that.

Either they want it or they don't.

I am a firm believer in personal responsibility; they have to own it.

His actions have consequences he treated you badly unless he apologize, he is on his own.
Don't sign him up for anything again. Do not ask him if his apps are done. Do not read his email. Do not help him period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he has untreated ADHD and probably anxiety, and he's old enough to refuse treatment. I'm sorry -- I don't know how you make a teenager get treatment.

Yes, he was dx with adhd in middle school but doesn’t want meds.

Don't worry about that. The first thing too many posters jump to for ADHD is meds meds meds.

Having sons your DS's age, OP, I'm guessing that there is some unresolved grief/ anger about losing his dad. Do not underestimate how hard this is on kids, particularly as they hit milestones like college search and realize the hole this has left.

If I were you I would have an immediate conversation with my brother about this. I'm really hoping that he can step up his involvement in your son's life this last year of high school. Your son needs a place to put all of that anger at the unfairness of the loss of his dad on someone else and it should not be you.

Thank you. This is really thoughtful advice…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP
Stop helping him with the college process.

He needs to own that.

Either they want it or they don't.

I am a firm believer in personal responsibility; they have to own it.

His actions have consequences he treated you badly unless he apologize, he is on his own.
Don't sign him up for anything again. Do not ask him if his apps are done. Do not read his email. Do not help him period.

Some kids need more help than others. This is bad advice for a teen already majorly stressed out. OP you are the mom. Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive then forgive some more. He will remember you for sticking by him during his darkest days -- or he will remember that you gave up on him and let him fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give him a massive hug and lots of love. He needs that more now than ever since he is so stressed out. He's taking it out on you which is not okay but he needs your help. Good luck OP.

Thank you.

Funny, I just came home after taking a walk to get a break from him, and he was sleeping in my bed.