Need help for older teen DS who has explosive temper tantrums

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s very stressed about college but his anger scares me. He’s very aggressive, screams and curses at me, blaming everything on me, saying I’m the worst mom ever. This happens once every few weeks.

No dh to help unfortunately but dc is close with his uncle, my brother

Dc went to therapy once or twice, now refuses.

I try to talk to him in calmer moments but he typically refuses. When I tell him his outbursts worry me, he says I’m exaggerating and being manipulative, and he’s fine but for my meddling.

Ex I signed him up for an in person college app session at a particular school. Told him (generally) about it, left an agenda on his desk, and then he gets the emails about it. I have access to his emails and could see 3 or 4 reminders were sent. So I go to take him, he realizes it’s a long session and throws an absolute fit, screaming that I signed him without telling him, how dare I, I’m so stupid, he hates me, etc.

He does decently in school, not great, and seems to have a good group of friends, activities etc. But over the years, he has had a few flare ups/conflicts here and there out in the world/at school, but he has never been in trouble

He is a bit of a perfectionist ironically, and no drugs, very limited drinking (we talk a lot about this stuff ironically)

He was diagnosed with mild ADHD in middle school. He will not take meds or go back to a therapist or doctor now

Thoughts? Ideas? Again, therapy is not an option right now.

What are you doing to trigger his anger? Perhaps start there.

Only YOU can change yourself.
Same for your son, only he can change himself.

So work on yourself and try to be less anger-provoking by not doing whatever you are doing to upset him.

Yikes, blaming the mom here is crazy

You sound like a victim enabler. You, not the pp you replied to.

[Anonymous]

My brother was like that. He ended up having extensive serious mental health issues but while it was at this level, we got him in the gym and on the tennis court and had him direct this negative energy and rage into that. He tired himself out and got an 8-pack and went to sleep at a reasonable time. Lack of sleep was a HUGE part of when he felt like he could not control his anger. My sympathies are with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother was like that. He ended up having extensive serious mental health issues but while it was at this level, we got him in the gym and on the tennis court and had him direct this negative energy and rage into that. He tired himself out and got an 8-pack and went to sleep at a reasonable time. Lack of sleep was a HUGE part of when he felt like he could not control his anger. My sympathies are with you.

This ^ Extra hormones at that age need an energy release. Exercise, girlfriends, job, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have been tolerating his inappropriate behavior to you with no consequences. That’s why he does this. Now you have an almost adult man who believes he has the right to push you around. I’m honestly not sure it can be fixed at this point. The best you can do is learn some basic behavioral management techniques and not reinforce his aggression. That is, you just walk away and let him face the consequences. Drop the rope.

This.

[Anonymous]

Putting a lock on the door at night is an easy thing to do and worth it for peace of mind while sleeping. The person mentioning it wasn't over the top.

[Anonymous]

My first instinct was to check for (or rule out) any physical causes. My son is a nightmare when his blood sugars are outside of the normal range. Pediatricians now rarely run a full blood panel or even take urine samples, so if there’s not a reason for a more in depth work up nothing ever gets checked. It wouldn’t hurt to do some bloodwork and maybe try to do a neuropsych exam

[Anonymous]

Anxiety and perfectionism, depression, and the hormones of adolescence can lead to explosive behavior even in normal teens.

A lot of unresolved psychological issues create turbulence in adolescence, so any grief and sense of abandonment from losing his dad is going to be in the mix, too.

When he’s in the middle of the tantrum, remove yourself. Say something like, “It’s not okay for you to speak to me disrespectfully like this. I love you, and we can talk when you are calmer.”

Leave the room. Don’t engage and don’t escalate.

When he is calmer, ask him questions about what was going on and how he can address he feelings in a different way.

Lack of sleep really exacerbates loss of control and temper tantrums, and unfortunately most teens are living in constant sleep deprivation.

You do sound like you’re a bit anxious yourself, and in the example you gave it sounds like he went along with something he didn’t really want to do to make you happy but then let his resentment explode.

This is immaturity on his part. Let him make as many decisions about college as possible. Let him take the consequences of not planning.

You can say something like, I was trying to be helpful, but it sounds like you’d rather handle this on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have been tolerating his inappropriate behavior to you with no consequences. That’s why he does this. Now you have an almost adult man who believes he has the right to push you around. I’m honestly not sure it can be fixed at this point. The best you can do is learn some basic behavioral management techniques and not reinforce his aggression. That is, you just walk away and let him face the consequences. Drop the rope.

Not sure where you’re reading that he’s never faced consequences in the past- he’s lost phone privileges, been grounded, lost his gaming computer, received detention at school etc.
It’s a bit weird that you jumped there… so I’ll disengage with you because I don’t think you’re a good judge of human behavior yourself

So truthfully OP, does he game more than he sleeps? Please don’t take offense to this question, but it could be a large part of the problem. I notice my kid gets very irritable when they are online for too long. As an older teen it could very difficult to withhold device time, but hopefully there is something that he could be interested in that could distract? Believe me it is a daily struggle with any device in my home and I empathize with you.