Need help for older teen DS who has explosive temper tantrums

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he has untreated ADHD and probably anxiety, and he's old enough to refuse treatment. I'm sorry -- I don't know how you make a teenager get treatment.

Yes, he was dx with adhd in middle school but doesn’t want meds.

Don't worry about that. The first thing too many posters jump to for ADHD is meds meds meds.

Having sons your DS's age, OP, I'm guessing that there is some unresolved grief/ anger about losing his dad. Do not underestimate how hard this is on kids, particularly as they hit milestones like college search and realize the hole this has left.

If I were you I would have an immediate conversation with my brother about this. I'm really hoping that he can step up his involvement in your son's life this last year of high school. Your son needs a place to put all of that anger at the unfairness of the loss of his dad on someone else and it should not be you.

Thank you. This is really thoughtful advice…

You're welcome. It's one of those things that is clear to see from the outside (to someone who has sons this age), but I'm sure living it day to day clouds your view.

And disregard the posters who say you're giving him no consequences or that you shouldn't be helping him with his college apps. They are ignoring the elephant in the room.

The thing is, your son is right. It IS unfair that he lost his dad. He needs to have those feelings validated and understood. He has missed a lot in his life because he saw other boys' relationships with their fathers. It is 100% unfair that this happened to him. However... life is unfair. We all have burdens and unfair things happen to us. He needs to build the skills to cope with this and learn that he can trust himself to love someone like your brother to help show him the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
Stop helping him with the college process.

He needs to own that.

Either they want it or they don't.

I am a firm believer in personal responsibility; they have to own it.

His actions have consequences he treated you badly unless he apologize, he is on his own.
Don't sign him up for anything again. Do not ask him if his apps are done. Do not read his email. Do not help him period.

Some kids need more help than others. This is bad advice for a teen already majorly stressed out. OP you are the mom. Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive then forgive some more. He will remember you for sticking by him during his darkest days -- or he will remember that you gave up on him and let him fail.

You sound wise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he has untreated ADHD and probably anxiety, and he's old enough to refuse treatment. I'm sorry -- I don't know how you make a teenager get treatment.

Yes, he was dx with adhd in middle school but doesn’t want meds.

Don't worry about that. The first thing too many posters jump to for ADHD is meds meds meds.

Having sons your DS's age, OP, I'm guessing that there is some unresolved grief/ anger about losing his dad. Do not underestimate how hard this is on kids, particularly as they hit milestones like college search and realize the hole this has left.

If I were you I would have an immediate conversation with my brother about this. I'm really hoping that he can step up his involvement in your son's life this last year of high school. Your son needs a place to put all of that anger at the unfairness of the loss of his dad on someone else and it should not be you.

Thank you. This is really thoughtful advice…

You're welcome. It's one of those things that is clear to see from the outside (to someone who has sons this age), but I'm sure living it day to day clouds your view.

And disregard the posters who say you're giving him no consequences or that you shouldn't be helping him with his college apps. They are ignoring the elephant in the room.

The thing is, your son is right. It IS unfair that he lost his dad. He needs to have those feelings validated and understood. He has missed a lot in his life because he saw other boys' relationships with their fathers. It is 100% unfair that this happened to him. However... life is unfair. We all have burdens and unfair things happen to us. He needs to build the skills to cope with this and learn that he can trust himself to love someone like your brother to help show him the way.

Thank you so much…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have been tolerating his inappropriate behavior to you with no consequences. That’s why he does this. Now you have an almost adult man who believes he has the right to push you around. I’m honestly not sure it can be fixed at this point. The best you can do is learn some basic behavioral management techniques and not reinforce his aggression. That is, you just walk away and let him face the consequences. Drop the rope.

This, you need to address the mental health issues and not tolerate the drinking. No drinking is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s very stressed about college but his anger scares me. He’s very aggressive, screams and curses at me, blaming everything on me, saying I’m the worst mom ever. This happens once every few weeks.

No dh to help unfortunately but dc is close with his uncle, my brother

Dc went to therapy once or twice, now refuses.

I try to talk to him in calmer moments but he typically refuses. When I tell him his outbursts worry me, he says I’m exaggerating and being manipulative, and he’s fine but for my meddling.

Ex I signed him up for an in person college app session at a particular school. Told him (generally) about it, left an agenda on his desk, and then he gets the emails about it. I have access to his emails and could see 3 or 4 reminders were sent. So I go to take him, he realizes it’s a long session and throws an absolute fit, screaming that I signed him without telling him, how dare I, I’m so stupid, he hates me, etc.

He does decently in school, not great, and seems to have a good group of friends, activities etc. But over the years, he has had a few flare ups/conflicts here and there out in the world/at school, but he has never been in trouble

He is a bit of a perfectionist ironically, and no drugs, very limited drinking (we talk a lot about this stuff ironically)

He was diagnosed with mild ADHD in middle school. He will not take meds or go back to a therapist or doctor now

Thoughts? Ideas? Again, therapy is not an option right now.

What are you doing to trigger his anger? Perhaps start there.

Only YOU can change yourself.
Same for your son, only he can change himself.

So work on yourself and try to be less anger-provoking by not doing whatever you are doing to upset him.

[Anonymous]

Do not sign him up for anything without his input. Don’t do that again.

My kid is a senior and has a temper and ADHD too. He would absolutely refuse to go if I did that.

We attended sessions and went on a trip for college visits this summer but he had to have a say in all of it.

It’s a hard time. I remember being dragged to a college that I didn’t want to see, for a reason I don’t remember, and refusing to get out of the car when I was 17. I didn’t have a temper, or ADHD and was generally an easy going kid. My parents drove all the way there and I wouldn’t even open the car door. Teenagers can be terrible people.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like anxiety and is exacerbated by untreated adhd. He needs and wants to be in control and is lacking some ability to do so and anger is his anxiety response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS - And if your brother is close to your son, by all means get him involved. Boys this age need dads/ male role models in their lives. That's just a fact of life.

Op here. Totally agree and my brother is great with him

+1

[Anonymous]

16:17 here again and how I did it - really low pressure. I found a place he liked with a school open house and said how about we take a day trip on a Saturday and go see the area and go out to lunch and stop by it. He said okay after turning down a bunch and we signed up. Some thing for others we signed up for.

When we went on the trip to see colleges, we went on some tours and I didn’t give him a hard time when he had a meltdown and said he hated one and wasn’t going on the scheduled tour because he didn’t like xyz. Fine. I also didn’t schedule anything else for the day. The tour and that was it. He picked where we ate and if we did anything in the area.

I can still remember being overwhelmed with the idea of moving away. I am married and have to not bring my husband who talks too much and makes DS too nervous with pressure at these visits.

[Anonymous]

You’ve received really good advice OP. My only thought with the college process is - don’t sign him up for things - I know you’re trying to help and you can certainly keep supporting him - offer options to him and ask if he’d like to sign up or engage with the idea - but your proactive help is triggering him. Stay with him in the process but maybe take one step back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, he was dx with adhd in middle school but doesn’t want meds.

OP after you call your brother in for reinforcement, pour yourself a large cup of coffee and watch this lecture from a leading ADHD expert. It's over 15 years old, and still one of the best overviews I know of. He addresses explosive tempers at length. Nobody is saying you need to jump to meds but understanding how the ADHD brain works can help you know what to expect.

The 30 Essential Ideas Every Parent Needs to Know to Understand and Raise a Child with ADHD
Russell A Barkley, PhD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzhbAK1pdPM&list=PLzBixSjmbc8eFl6UX5_wWGP8i0mAs-cvY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP
Stop helping him with the college process.

He needs to own that.

Either they want it or they don't.

I am a firm believer in personal responsibility; they have to own it.

His actions have consequences he treated you badly unless he apologize, he is on his own.
Don't sign him up for anything again. Do not ask him if his apps are done. Do not read his email. Do not help him period.

Some kids need more help than others. This is bad advice for a teen already majorly stressed out. OP you are the mom. Forgive, forgive, forgive, forgive then forgive some more. He will remember you for sticking by him during his darkest days -- or he will remember that you gave up on him and let him fail.

Forgiving doesn’t mean no consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have been tolerating his inappropriate behavior to you with no consequences. That’s why he does this. Now you have an almost adult man who believes he has the right to push you around. I’m honestly not sure it can be fixed at this point. The best you can do is learn some basic behavioral management techniques and not reinforce his aggression. That is, you just walk away and let him face the consequences. Drop the rope.

Not sure where you’re reading that he’s never faced consequences in the past- he’s lost phone privileges, been grounded, lost his gaming computer, received detention at school etc.
It’s a bit weird that you jumped there… so I’ll disengage with you because I don’t think you’re a good judge of human behavior yourself

Ok well - clearly the consequences are not working. You’re letting him be aggressive with you. You need to put a stop to it.

[Anonymous]

I’m following bc I have the same issue, except much more frequently - at least once a day. After one of these outbursts, which are usually targeted at me and centered on how everything bad in his world is my fault, I am depleted and want to crawl into a hole. Like I literally have to go lie down in fetal position to recuperate. He has always been like this - he used to throw and destroy objects when he was younger, putting holes in the walls. He grew out of that and now it’s more yelling/cursing/storming around/blaming. He has pushed me a few times, but not in many years. I have taken him to so many doctors. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD and is medicated, but I sometimes find his pills hidden and even when I have watched him take his medication, he acts the same. I have tried taking him to numerous talk therapists over the years and he sits there, will not answer their questions or engage in talk therapy. If they ask him if anything is wrong, he says his life is great. School counselors have tried talking to him and he clams up or says everything is fine. I don’t blame him for being angry. His dad is a mess and destroyed our marriage and his career with his explosive temper, and even though his temper made everyone at home miserable, my son is still furious at me for divorcing him. He has tons of friends and is beloved by friends’ parents, who do not see this side of him. He gets near perfect grades. I have tried consequences but they don’t work. There isn’t anything he cares about enough that he doesn’t mind giving it up except his phone, which I have tried taking away but inevitably he will need it for logistics and homework coordination with classmates. He is also a perfectionist. At this point, I feel like I am living with his dad again, always walking on eggshells wondering when he will explode next and preferring to avoid him bc spending time with him is so unpleasant because it always ends up with him yelling at me about something. For those saying forgive, forgive, forgive, if I just let him act like this without consequence, won’t I just be raising him to be an adult who destroys his own marriage with his temper (or even worse, is physically abusive and harms another person)? But talking about it, trying consequences, trying therapy, nothing has worked. I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel hopeless.

[Anonymous]

He needs to learn anger management. I’d make it a requirement for privileges.