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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It sounds like he has untreated ADHD and probably anxiety, and he's old enough to refuse treatment. I'm sorry -- I don't know how you make a teenager get treatment.[/quote]

Yes, he was dx with adhd in middle school but doesn’t want meds. [/quote]

Don't worry about that. The first thing too many posters jump to for ADHD is meds meds meds.

Having sons your DS's age, OP, I'm guessing that there is some unresolved grief/ anger about losing his dad. Do not underestimate how hard this is on kids, particularly as they hit milestones like college search and realize the hole this has left.

If I were you I would have an immediate conversation with my brother about this. I'm really hoping that he can step up his involvement in your son's life this last year of high school. Your son needs a place to put all of that anger at the unfairness of the loss of his dad on someone else and it should not be you.[/quote]

Thank you. This is really thoughtful advice… [/quote]

You're welcome. It's one of those things that is clear to see from the outside (to someone who has sons this age), but I'm sure living it day to day clouds your view.

And disregard the posters who say you're giving him no consequences or that you shouldn't be helping him with his college apps. They are ignoring the elephant in the room.

The thing is, your son is right. It IS unfair that he lost his dad. He needs to have those feelings validated and understood. He has missed a lot in his life because he saw other boys' relationships with their fathers. It is 100% unfair that this happened to him. However... life is unfair. We all have burdens and unfair things happen to us. [b]He needs to build the skills to cope with this and learn that he can trust himself to love someone like your brother to help show him the way.[/b]

[/quote]

I think this is a valid point but how does one do this when the son refuses therapy? I went through some stuff when I was younger and dealt with things through bad coping skills. Frankly I wouldn't have listened to advice or wisdom from the ones closest to me, it wasn't until I was at rock bottom that I started listening to a therapist, really becoming accountable for my actions, and learning healthy coping skills. I'm sure OP wants to avoid rock bottom for her child.

Also, I agree your brother can provide male support. However: my H is an uncle to a nephew (14yo) with anger and aggressiveness issues. My BIL went through some severe health problems last year and my H stepped up to help. He listened to nephew, comforted him, did activities with him, created boundaries on what was acceptable/not acceptable, and basically made himself there for nephew. But nothing changed and my H ended up having to step back because it was beginning to affect his own mental health. Eventually my BIL said they were taking him to get evaluated and start therapy but we never heard anything about it again...obviously it's none of our business. But we worry.

I imagine your son doesn't want to do therapy because it will bring up events and feelings that are uncomfortable. And when he has these uncomfortable feelings he takes them out on you. And while I get you are there for your son, there also has to be boundaries in place on how he treats you. Maybe you could visit a therapist to come up with strategies to deal with the tantrums for now? Like maybe walking away, gray rocking, etc. Maybe the books other posters recommended would have some strategies. [/quote]

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