Divorce - new relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe you can only truly more into a healthy relationship after some years of work and reflection. It’s taken me a long time to move through the anger/grief/accountability and healing. So I used my years with my kids and my healing as my focus.

In that healing and in those years you may find you love being alone. Ask me how I know if a great love comes along I’m here for it, but what healed me was truly allowing myself to love myself and to love the life I crafted.

I’ve worked on this for 2 years prior to filing - I have no anger, or grief left. He was an awful human being with a mental health issue and I’m just glad that it’s over.

I found people who said “I did the work before I left my partner” and laughter out loud . You mean the work of lying to them for two years while cohabitating with them and presumably sharing housework and finances with them? That’s funny. I’d just assume that made you a jerk if you told me years of your marriage was your disconnected self work to prepare you for a new partner.

DP. My husband moved out, but didn’t file for divorce until 4 years later. I had plenty of time to work on myself before being legally divorced.

But not enough time to file yourself?

I had no motivation to file. I had no desire to live with anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the middle of a divorce after a long marriage and assume that I'm just done. Maybe it's because the divorce was not my choice, but my focus is trying to figure out how to be as happy as I can be in a situation that I didn't want.

If I met someone organically, I wouldn't necessarily run the other way, but I just assume it won't happen and have no interest in online dating, which seems like a dumpster fire and a likely to be a further assault on my self-esteem. I seem to be a weirdo in this respect. My divorced friends started dating right away. I guess everyone is different. Good luck, OP.

You must be new on this forum because you dont have that ego that you are so special and can pick and choose any guy you want anytime you want.

Why are you so bitter? I'm recently single, older, and not desperate to find an upgraded man to complete me or fill in the financial gaps. I think there are plenty of fish in the sea. I think if I'm looking for a finance guy with movie star looks and a Delta 360 card or private jet, my pickings may be slim. Otherwise, it certainly doesn't feel impossible or unlikely that I will connect with someone along the way. It's not my main focus in life, though. And that's usually how other people come along. When you're happy in your own skin.

I am a 48 years old divorced man. I am recently divorced and similarly wondering whether I'll find someone. I haven't been on OLD yet. I did cold approaching couple of times but I think I am too rusty lol.

I wouldn't mind saying someone like you, if you are opened to dating divorced men. Il admit it though some of us divorced men are really bitter. I am better now, but up to 6 months post divorce I found myself blaming women for everything I was in my incel phase lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take some time to heal from the sadness, anger, resentment, and disappointment in your marriage, and to get comfortable on your own and rediscover yourself before you anchor yourself to someone else. If you aren’t in a good place when you meet someone, that might affect your new relationship.

This. I’m currently going through a very ugly divorce and I have absolutely no desire to date now or in immediate future. I know I need time to heal before I even think about a single date. It may take years before a first date. I also know I may never fully heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the middle of a divorce after a long marriage and assume that I'm just done. Maybe it's because the divorce was not my choice, but my focus is trying to figure out how to be as happy as I can be in a situation that I didn't want.

If I met someone organically, I wouldn't necessarily run the other way, but I just assume it won't happen and have no interest in online dating, which seems like a dumpster fire and a likely to be a further assault on my self-esteem. I seem to be a weirdo in this respect. My divorced friends started dating right away. I guess everyone is different. Good luck, OP.

You must be new on this forum because you dont have that ego that you are so special and can pick and choose any guy you want anytime you want.

Ha. Not new by a long shot, but likely coming from a very different place than a lot of others.

[Anonymous]

It’s unlikely.

[Anonymous]

OP - that’s possible but they would have problems if their own that are hard to deal with in middle age. I met a lot of nice men. They deal with caring for kids and relatives; health issues and so on. It would take you much sacrifice of time and other resources on my part to stay with any of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - that’s possible but they would have problems if their own that are hard to deal with in middle age. I met a lot of nice men. They deal with caring for kids and relatives; health issues and so on. It would take you much sacrifice of time and other resources on my part to stay with any of them.

Thats normal middle age-caring for kids and parents, health isnt what it was when we were younger, etc. Dont you have those challenges also? Why wouldnt you want a partner who can support you through them?

I think many people who come to this forum are looking for reasons to stay single and miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the middle of a divorce after a long marriage and assume that I'm just done. Maybe it's because the divorce was not my choice, but my focus is trying to figure out how to be as happy as I can be in a situation that I didn't want.

If I met someone organically, I wouldn't necessarily run the other way, but I just assume it won't happen and have no interest in online dating, which seems like a dumpster fire and a likely to be a further assault on my self-esteem. I seem to be a weirdo in this respect. My divorced friends started dating right away. I guess everyone is different. Good luck, OP.

You must be new on this forum because you dont have that ego that you are so special and can pick and choose any guy you want anytime you want.

Why are you so bitter? I'm recently single, older, and not desperate to find an upgraded man to complete me or fill in the financial gaps. I think there are plenty of fish in the sea. I think if I'm looking for a finance guy with movie star looks and a Delta 360 card or private jet, my pickings may be slim. Otherwise, it certainly doesn't feel impossible or unlikely that I will connect with someone along the way. It's not my main focus in life, though. And that's usually how other people come along. When you're happy in your own skin.

I am a 48 years old divorced man. I am recently divorced and similarly wondering whether I'll find someone. I haven't been on OLD yet. I did cold approaching couple of times but I think I am too rusty lol.

I wouldn't mind saying someone like you, if you are opened to dating divorced men. Il admit it though some of us divorced men are really bitter. I am better now, but up to 6 months post divorce I found myself blaming women for everything I was in my incel phase lol.

Dude, in all respect, get off of this forum and whatever reddit “dating over 40” boards you are on and just get back out there. Get on an app and give it a try. The mental energy you are spending wondering “what if…” isnt helping you at all. Sitting on your sofa on your phone wondering if you will meet someone isn’t going to help you meet someone.

Why wouldnt a divorced woman want to date a divorced man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - that’s possible but they would have problems if their own that are hard to deal with in middle age. I met a lot of nice men. They deal with caring for kids and relatives; health issues and so on. It would take you much sacrifice of time and other resources on my part to stay with any of them.

Thats normal middle age-caring for kids and parents, health isnt what it was when we were younger, etc. Dont you have those challenges also? Why wouldnt you want a partner who can support you through them?

I think many people who come to this forum are looking for reasons to stay single and miserable.

It depends on the magnitude of these challenges and if they are trying to shift them to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting divorced from awful STBX. Marriage was a nightmare the last few years and I emotionally detached a long time ago. I’d really like to meet someone who’s just nice and cares about me. Do you think this will ever happen?

Assuming you don’t have kids and work in yourself and your bad habits, yeah, hopefully you find a nice sane person to take care of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting divorced from awful STBX. Marriage was a nightmare the last few years and I emotionally detached a long time ago. I’d really like to meet someone who’s just nice and cares about me. Do you think this will ever happen?

What do you plan to be, do and bring to the table in your future relationship(s)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you seeking a man or a woman?

Looking for a man

My guess is probably no, then. For reasons that have nothing to do with you. It’s possible but not probable. I would focus on friendships instead. It’s what I’m doing.

NP. Huh? While I agree it’s best to focus on friendships, I know plenty of people who found partners after divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting divorced from awful STBX. Marriage was a nightmare the last few years and I emotionally detached a long time ago. I’d really like to meet someone who’s just nice and cares about me. Do you think this will ever happen?

What do you plan to be, do and bring to the table in your future relationship(s)?

When a man asks this question - what do you actually want the woman to bring, so you would care about her ? Being beautiful, loving, a good business partner, a good cook? What is that you actually need ?

In my experience men in their 40-50s just want to shift their challenges to you. “Why don’t you come over help clean my apartment”, “my ex-wife did/ssid XYZ” etc . Constant need to shoulder tapping and helping with their aging parents caring, caring for kids, advice on job search etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting divorced from awful STBX. Marriage was a nightmare the last few years and I emotionally detached a long time ago. I’d really like to meet someone who’s just nice and cares about me. Do you think this will ever happen?

What do you plan to be, do and bring to the table in your future relationship(s)?

When a man asks this question - what do you actually want the woman to bring, so you would care about her ? Being beautiful, loving, a good business partner, a good cook? What is that you actually need ?

In my experience men in their 40-50s just want to shift their challenges to you. “Why don’t you come over help clean my apartment”, “my ex-wife did/ssid XYZ” etc . Constant need to shoulder tapping and helping with their aging parents caring, caring for kids, advice on job search etc.

I have never had anything near this experience, I refuse to believe this happened to you more than once or twice. If so, there is clearly something wrong with your “picker” (or your OLD profile) to attract such a large number of needy men incapable of taking care of themselves.

Was your exh a needy manchild as well? Mine absolutely was, so no judgement, but I have spent a lot of time working on myself and allowing myself to be vulnerable and ask for things and not expect to do it all and then some, which isnt attractive to men who can actually take care of themselves and have bandwidth left over to be able to do stuff for a woman as well.

[Anonymous]

I’m a 40yo recently divorced woman. Dating is no problem at all. I attract higher quality men now than I did in my 20s.

Most of it is your attitude. You have to be in full baddie mode. I saw a video explaining dating as: Imagine you’re at a party and need to raise $10,000 for yourself. You’re going to come across as desperate and needy, begging everyone for money, accepting $1,000 here, $500 there, etc. Now imagine you’re at a party and must give away $10,000. It’s a completely different attitude. You’re going to be much more picky, take your time getting to know people, etc. So approach dating as if you are giving away $10,000.

Also ramp up the self care. Go to the gym, eat healthy, get your hair and nails done, buy new clothes that make you feel hot (even if your body isn’t perfect).