Divorce - new relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting divorced from awful STBX. Marriage was a nightmare the last few years and I emotionally detached a long time ago. I’d really like to meet someone who’s just nice and cares about me. Do you think this will ever happen?

What do you plan to be, do and bring to the table in your future relationship(s)?

When a man asks this question - what do you actually want the woman to bring, so you would care about her ? Being beautiful, loving, a good business partner, a good cook? What is that you actually need ?

In my experience men in their 40-50s just want to shift their challenges to you. “Why don’t you come over help clean my apartment”, “my ex-wife did/ssid XYZ” etc . Constant need to shoulder tapping and helping with their aging parents caring, caring for kids, advice on job search etc.

I have never had anything near this experience, I refuse to believe this happened to you more than once or twice. If so, there is clearly something wrong with your “picker” (or your OLD profile) to attract such a large number of needy men incapable of taking care of themselves.

Was your exh a needy manchild as well? Mine absolutely was, so no judgement, but I have spent a lot of time working on myself and allowing myself to be vulnerable and ask for things and not expect to do it all and then some, which isnt attractive to men who can actually take care of themselves and have bandwidth left over to be able to do stuff for a woman as well.

Hah? You ask men for things ? In my eclectic it’s utterly useless. If a man wants a woman he’ll offer things himself. If he doesn’t, no point in asking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting divorced from awful STBX. Marriage was a nightmare the last few years and I emotionally detached a long time ago. I’d really like to meet someone who’s just nice and cares about me. Do you think this will ever happen?

What do you plan to be, do and bring to the table in your future relationship(s)?

When a man asks this question - what do you actually want the woman to bring, so you would care about her ? Being beautiful, loving, a good business partner, a good cook? What is that you actually need ?

In my experience men in their 40-50s just want to shift their challenges to you. “Why don’t you come over help clean my apartment”, “my ex-wife did/ssid XYZ” etc . Constant need to shoulder tapping and helping with their aging parents caring, caring for kids, advice on job search etc.

I have never had anything near this experience, I refuse to believe this happened to you more than once or twice. If so, there is clearly something wrong with your “picker” (or your OLD profile) to attract such a large number of needy men incapable of taking care of themselves.

Was your exh a needy manchild as well? Mine absolutely was, so no judgement, but I have spent a lot of time working on myself and allowing myself to be vulnerable and ask for things and not expect to do it all and then some, which isnt attractive to men who can actually take care of themselves and have bandwidth left over to be able to do stuff for a woman as well.

Hah? You ask men for things ? In my eclectic it’s utterly useless. If a man wants a woman he’ll offer things himself. If he doesn’t, no point in asking

Yeah, I ask men to help me with stuff all the time. Not for money mind you, but to help w something at home, something with my car, advice on something, help carrying bags, etc. How is someone to be a mind reader otherwise, esp if you are just getting to know them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 40yo recently divorced woman. Dating is no problem at all. I attract higher quality men now than I did in my 20s.

Most of it is your attitude. You have to be in full baddie mode. I saw a video explaining dating as: Imagine you’re at a party and need to raise $10,000 for yourself. You’re going to come across as desperate and needy, begging everyone for money, accepting $1,000 here, $500 there, etc. Now imagine you’re at a party and must give away $10,000. It’s a completely different attitude. You’re going to be much more picky, take your time getting to know people, etc. So approach dating as if you are giving away $10,000.

Also ramp up the self care. Go to the gym, eat healthy, get your hair and nails done, buy new clothes that make you feel hot (even if your body isn’t perfect).

Yes! Another woman in her late 40s here, recently divorced, did just fine on the apps and met someone Im in a long term relationship with. Im a size 14 with 2 young kids at home and a big nose so Im not some hottie independently wealthy pilates instructor empty nester w no baggage. But I know what I want, what I have to offer, and I know Im the prize. If I dont treat myself that way, why would any man treat me as anything but an option?

[Anonymous]

Absolutely read everything on the Burn The Haystack sites and pages before you even draft your OLD profile page and start screening men. It will help with people you meet in real life as well. I would have passed on a dud man with major emotional issues and not wasted 5 months if I'd taken the Burn The Haystack approach. You will likely find that very, very few men even come close to being dateable. Accept that reality and you'll save yourself a lot of time, money, and emotional energy.

I met the man I'm about to marry by using the Burn The Haystack message (I'm in my late 50s), and it turns out that he used a similar approach to find me. It's designed for people seeking a LTR, so keep that in mind. You need to be very honest with yourself about what you are wanting. If there is anything that indicates the person does not meet your essential criteria, you throw them out and block them permanently. No wasting time on people who aren't what you want and need and no giving a perfect stranger the benefit of the doubt. Meanwhile, you have to be honest about whether you're in a place to offer them something healthy. Have you done the work on yourself to be open to a great man or are you caught up in your own crap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Getting divorced from awful STBX. Marriage was a nightmare the last few years and I emotionally detached a long time ago. I’d really like to meet someone who’s just nice and cares about me. Do you think this will ever happen?

What do you plan to be, do and bring to the table in your future relationship(s)?

When a man asks this question - what do you actually want the woman to bring, so you would care about her ? Being beautiful, loving, a good business partner, a good cook? What is that you actually need ?

In my experience men in their 40-50s just want to shift their challenges to you. “Why don’t you come over help clean my apartment”, “my ex-wife did/ssid XYZ” etc . Constant need to shoulder tapping and helping with their aging parents caring, caring for kids, advice on job search etc.

I have never had anything near this experience, I refuse to believe this happened to you more than once or twice. If so, there is clearly something wrong with your “picker” (or your OLD profile) to attract such a large number of needy men incapable of taking care of themselves.

Was your exh a needy manchild as well? Mine absolutely was, so no judgement, but I have spent a lot of time working on myself and allowing myself to be vulnerable and ask for things and not expect to do it all and then some, which isnt attractive to men who can actually take care of themselves and have bandwidth left over to be able to do stuff for a woman as well.

Hah? You ask men for things ? In my eclectic it’s utterly useless. If a man wants a woman he’ll offer things himself. If he doesn’t, no point in asking

Yeah, I ask men to help me with stuff all the time. Not for money mind you, but to help w something at home, something with my car, advice on something, help carrying bags, etc. How is someone to be a mind reader otherwise, esp if you are just getting to know them?

If a man needs to be asked to carry bags for you in his 50s, he’s already a lost cause . Not “high value”.