Divorce - new relationship

[Anonymous]

Take some time to heal from the sadness, anger, resentment, and disappointment in your marriage, and to get comfortable on your own and rediscover yourself before you anchor yourself to someone else. If you aren’t in a good place when you meet someone, that might affect your new relationship.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, do you have kids? I find dating very different now post-divorce than it was before I got married.

I have 2 kid-free nights every week, and every other Fri and Sat. However kid activities come along that eat into that time. As does stuff w friends and family and self care. So my time to date is very limited. I have a boyfriend who is wonderful, he also has kids and his own life outside of our relationship. For 2 divorced adults, the limited amount of time we spend together still results in a perfectly normal relationship. Pre-marriage, it absolutely would not have been, it would have been the amount of time one devoted to a side piece or someone they were casually dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take some time to heal from the sadness, anger, resentment, and disappointment in your marriage, and to get comfortable on your own and rediscover yourself before you anchor yourself to someone else. If you aren’t in a good place when you meet someone[b], that might affect your new relationship.

I think this is crazy because you could meet the perfect person for you today — trust yourself that you’re not going to ruin something. Have agency, and don’t ruin it. If they are the right person for you, they will be able to lovingly synch with whatever healing is required.

[Anonymous]

Will it ever happen? The odds are really not in your favour. I know plenty of women who have divorced and are still unhappily single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take some time to heal from the sadness, anger, resentment, and disappointment in your marriage, and to get comfortable on your own and rediscover yourself before you anchor yourself to someone else. If you aren’t in a good place when you meet someone, that might affect your new relationship.

I respectfully disagree. Dating was a very important part of the healing process for me, post-divorce. My self esteem was so low after a bad marriage that it was nice to go out on dates with men who liked me and wanted to see me and would do nice things for me and woo me and all of that. It made me realize that I was a person who was worthy of love.

That said, only a fool will think that the first or second or third person you date post-divorce is going to be The One. And going into dating post-divorce immediately looking for your next husband is a fools errand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will it ever happen? The odds are really not in your favour. I know plenty of women who have divorced and are still unhappily single.

Well, duh. Anyone who cant be happy single isnt going to attract quality men.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the middle of a divorce after a long marriage and assume that I'm just done. Maybe it's because the divorce was not my choice, but my focus is trying to figure out how to be as happy as I can be in a situation that I didn't want.

If I met someone organically, I wouldn't necessarily run the other way, but I just assume it won't happen and have no interest in online dating, which seems like a dumpster fire and a likely to be a further assault on my self-esteem. I seem to be a weirdo in this respect. My divorced friends started dating right away. I guess everyone is different. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Keep your guards up, it’s ugly out there!
Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting divorced from awful STBX. Marriage was a nightmare the last few years and I emotionally detached a long time ago. I’d really like to meet someone who’s just nice and cares about me. Do you think this will ever happen?

Yes it will happen. The hardest part will be finding the right guy because unfortunately you are not going to be option #1 for a single man who doesn't have kids and who has never been married. He has other single never married women with no kids that he can go for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the middle of a divorce after a long marriage and assume that I'm just done. Maybe it's because the divorce was not my choice, but my focus is trying to figure out how to be as happy as I can be in a situation that I didn't want.

If I met someone organically, I wouldn't necessarily run the other way, but I just assume it won't happen and have no interest in online dating, which seems like a dumpster fire and a likely to be a further assault on my self-esteem. I seem to be a weirdo in this respect. My divorced friends started dating right away. I guess everyone is different. Good luck, OP.

You must be new on this forum because you dont have that ego that you are so special and can pick and choose any guy you want anytime you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe you can only truly more into a healthy relationship after some years of work and reflection. It’s taken me a long time to move through the anger/grief/accountability and healing. So I used my years with my kids and my healing as my focus.

In that healing and in those years you may find you love being alone. Ask me how I know if a great love comes along I’m here for it, but what healed me was truly allowing myself to love myself and to love the life I crafted.

I’ve worked on this for 2 years prior to filing - I have no anger, or grief left. He was an awful human being with a mental health issue and I’m just glad that it’s over.

I found people who said “I did the work before I left my partner” and laughter out loud . You mean the work of lying to them for two years while cohabitating with them and presumably sharing housework and finances with them? That’s funny. I’d just assume that made you a jerk if you told me years of your marriage was your disconnected self work to prepare you for a new partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the middle of a divorce after a long marriage and assume that I'm just done. Maybe it's because the divorce was not my choice, but my focus is trying to figure out how to be as happy as I can be in a situation that I didn't want.

If I met someone organically, I wouldn't necessarily run the other way, but I just assume it won't happen and have no interest in online dating, which seems like a dumpster fire and a likely to be a further assault on my self-esteem. I seem to be a weirdo in this respect. My divorced friends started dating right away. I guess everyone is different. Good luck, OP.

You must be new on this forum because you dont have that ego that you are so special and can pick and choose any guy you want anytime you want.

Why are you so bitter? I'm recently single, older, and not desperate to find an upgraded man to complete me or fill in the financial gaps. I think there are plenty of fish in the sea. I think if I'm looking for a finance guy with movie star looks and a Delta 360 card or private jet, my pickings may be slim. Otherwise, it certainly doesn't feel impossible or unlikely that I will connect with someone along the way. It's not my main focus in life, though. And that's usually how other people come along. When you're happy in your own skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe you can only truly more into a healthy relationship after some years of work and reflection. It’s taken me a long time to move through the anger/grief/accountability and healing. So I used my years with my kids and my healing as my focus.

In that healing and in those years you may find you love being alone. Ask me how I know if a great love comes along I’m here for it, but what healed me was truly allowing myself to love myself and to love the life I crafted.

I’ve worked on this for 2 years prior to filing - I have no anger, or grief left. He was an awful human being with a mental health issue and I’m just glad that it’s over.

I found people who said “I did the work before I left my partner” and laughter out loud . You mean the work of lying to them for two years while cohabitating with them and presumably sharing housework and finances with them? That’s funny. I’d just assume that made you a jerk if you told me years of your marriage was your disconnected self work to prepare you for a new partner.

DP. My husband moved out, but didn’t file for divorce until 4 years later. I had plenty of time to work on myself before being legally divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe you can only truly more into a healthy relationship after some years of work and reflection. It’s taken me a long time to move through the anger/grief/accountability and healing. So I used my years with my kids and my healing as my focus.

In that healing and in those years you may find you love being alone. Ask me how I know if a great love comes along I’m here for it, but what healed me was truly allowing myself to love myself and to love the life I crafted.

I’ve worked on this for 2 years prior to filing - I have no anger, or grief left. He was an awful human being with a mental health issue and I’m just glad that it’s over.

I found people who said “I did the work before I left my partner” and laughter out loud . You mean the work of lying to them for two years while cohabitating with them and presumably sharing housework and finances with them? That’s funny. I’d just assume that made you a jerk if you told me years of your marriage was your disconnected self work to prepare you for a new partner.

DP. My husband moved out, but didn’t file for divorce until 4 years later. I had plenty of time to work on myself before being legally divorced.

I was separated and living apart for over 2 years by the time I filed. I agree that the healing can happen long before the papers are signed.

OP. I did online dating. Lots and lots of bad dates. Then I met the most amazing man. We just moved in together after almost 3 years and I couldn't be happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe you can only truly more into a healthy relationship after some years of work and reflection. It’s taken me a long time to move through the anger/grief/accountability and healing. So I used my years with my kids and my healing as my focus.

In that healing and in those years you may find you love being alone. Ask me how I know if a great love comes along I’m here for it, but what healed me was truly allowing myself to love myself and to love the life I crafted.

I’ve worked on this for 2 years prior to filing - I have no anger, or grief left. He was an awful human being with a mental health issue and I’m just glad that it’s over.

I found people who said “I did the work before I left my partner” and laughter out loud . You mean the work of lying to them for two years while cohabitating with them and presumably sharing housework and finances with them? That’s funny. I’d just assume that made you a jerk if you told me years of your marriage was your disconnected self work to prepare you for a new partner.

DP. My husband moved out, but didn’t file for divorce until 4 years later. I had plenty of time to work on myself before being legally divorced.

But not enough time to file yourself?