Friends don't like me enough to ever invite me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your best friend is supposed to be your husband, OP. Not girlfriends. Your husband. Focus on that. Women don't get along. There is always infighting, backbiting, catfighting. There is no loyalty among females, and I am one. It is never as good as it seems, OP. You are not missing out on anything. Cheap intimacy is just that. Cheap.

This is toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What could be some examples of something about my personality that the other women don't like?

Also, if they really don't like me, why do they accept all my invitations? I would think they would make up an excuse and decline them.

Here is an example: I have invited my son's best friend and his mom to meet up with us for fun activities (mini golf, movie, bowling, etc.) about 10 times in two years. We always have a nice time chatting but she has never invited us to do anything. I have also invited her 1:1 for lunch several times. Again, she has never invited me to do anything but accepts my invitations. How do I interpret this?

I really think it’s the time of life - raising kids, caring for older family members, working…I am someone who rarely initiates, and it wouldn’t be personal, OP. I don’t see my friends all that often. I imagine once I’m an empty-nester, it’ll be different.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread is exhausting.

OP, make friends organically. Trying to force "mom friends" is a losing approach. If your kids get along, that's enough. Using your kid as a pawn to hook up with other moms is creepy and fake, and easy to spot. We're moms. We're all exhausted and forcing a fake friendship isn't going to help anyone. Plus, if all you have to offer a "friend" is this lonely, whiny drivel, well, that's why you don't have friends. It's the old "you're bored because you're boring".

Make regular time to go do things you like. Maybe you'll meet someone friendly in pottery class. Don't invite anyone anywhere for 6 months, or even a year. Go out, explore, and just focus on finding things you legitimately enjoy doing. Chances are better that you'll connect with someone who shares at least one of your interests. "Mom friends" are the absolute worst kind of friends, because your kids will probably only get along for a short while, and if that's all your "friendship" is based on, well, there it goes. There's a reason most moms don't work super hard to connect with other moms just because they're moms. The woman in your ceramics class who also happens to be a mom is a better, well-rounded friend opportunity.

Learn how to make small talk. No goals, not trying to solicit an invitation or further contact. People love it when you're just in the moment, focused on them. They want to be around it more, and they tend to invite you into their lives for more of it. You'll be less lonely when you're more comfortable being alone.

Whining about how "friends don't like you enough" just says you need to dump them and work on yourself so you'll attract better/actual friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 43 year old woman and have only a few acquaintances/casual friends and no close friends. I've found it very hard to make good friends and have been trying for 10 years without much luck.

I am always the initiator and invite acquaintances/new acquaintances to do things a lot. What I've noticed is that women are happy to accept my invitations but never invite me to do anything. I can't remember the last time another mom or female friend invited me out for coffee, a walk, or anything. I usually invite other women to get together about once a month or so, to do something like brunch, a walk, coffee, and I wait a few months in between invitations with the same person. In other words, if I invite Jen for lunch in March, I'll wait until June to invite her for coffee next. I also don't get invited to birthday parties for friends or holiday celebrations. I feel invisible and overlooked. If I didn't reach out and do all this inviting, no one would reach out to me and I would be friendless.

I feel that the problem is that other women think I'm nice enough, but don't think of me as someone they would make the effort to reach out to. I feel like I have plenty in common with these other moms/women, and I feel like our conversations go well. I'm not sure how I can fix this problem and therapy has been no help. Any advice?

Don't think so much. Get out of your head and into the moment.

Maybe some lunchtime margaritas and then on to the Chip-n-Dale dancers place with the girls next time. Cut loose.

[Anonymous]

OP, by looking at your replies you seem analytical and intelligent enough to know why this non reciprocal response is happening. You are asking questions you already know the answers to and it’s phishy AF. It seems like you know your acquaintances are reading this post. Am I right? If you answer honestly, then maybe you may get what you are looking for.

[Anonymous]

I know several women like you who have met nice, genuine female friends on Bumble (friends version).

[Anonymous]

I have felt as you do, at times. A couple of comments:

- most women are BUSY. Very very busy. Beyond that, many have a pretty full social calendar with family obligations and older friends (unless they are newer to the area, and/or don’t have family around). While they are pleased with the invitation (and they often accept), they may not think to initiate things. After being the one to initiate 95% of the time for years, I placed a friend on the back burner and didn’t do so for awhile. She did eventually contact me to initiate plans, & even followed up when I waffled. She values the friendship but is just busy, and has gotten used to me being the one doing the inviting. I don’t think this is all that uncommon.

- I’ve found there are a fair number of women who already have a small tight knit group (sometimes extended family, other times old friends) and truly just are not open to new friends or interested in making new friends.

- Given how busy most people are, it is a lot easier to be seeing them in regular more organic ways to build an initial friendship. Neighbors, other parents on your kid’s sports team, exercise/fitness class, pottery class, volunteer work or whatever. It is extremely difficult to develop a friendship from a “well we chatted a few times, and then I asked you to coffee” sort of thing. Much easier if it is someone you already see twice a week at spin class or on your morning walk or whatever. .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's you, OP.

I love that you are suggesting low cost get togethers, because that's one of my main complaints with some of my own mid-40s friends. I would say yes more often to things that didn't cost me $50+ every time, because unfortunately I'm not on an unlimited fun budget. I am also tired and dearly love alone time, so frequently I'm not inviting people anywhere because: a) I'm at home doing nothing or b) I want to do something on my own.

I agree that classes and groups like a book club are a good place to find new friends - I made a few good friends several years ago through an exercise class.

Let’s be honest. OP is 43 and never had any close friends in her life. She has been trying very hard to make friends the past 10 years without success. That’s right—10 years not 1 year.
If she has been struggling with this almost her entire life, the problem must be on her side. She must be doing it wrong, ot she may behave in a ways that turn people away from her.
She’s 43 and I’m sure deep inside her she knows the problem but doesn’t want to admit it.
Deflecting won’t help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What could be some examples of something about my personality that the other women don't like?

Also, if they really don't like me, why do they accept all my invitations? I would think they would make up an excuse and decline them.

Here is an example: I have invited my son's best friend and his mom to meet up with us for fun activities (mini golf, movie, bowling, etc.) about 10 times in two years. We always have a nice time chatting but she has never invited us to do anything. I have also invited her 1:1 for lunch several times. Again, she has never invited me to do anything but accepts my invitations. How do I interpret this?

I wouldn’t assume that there’s anything about your personality that they dislike — more that they have full lives already, and don’t have the time or energy to initiate things. She’s happy to hang out with you — when you make the effort. That —to me —says more about being at a stage of life which includes multiple demands, and not having the bandwidth/desire to do more things that take effort.m

She has been trying for 10 years. That’s a long time. She never had any close friends in her life. It’s hard to imagine that the problem is only that the people she meets are busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 43 year old woman and have only a few acquaintances/casual friends and no close friends. I've found it very hard to make good friends and have been trying for 10 years without much luck.

I am always the initiator and invite acquaintances/new acquaintances to do things a lot. What I've noticed is that women are happy to accept my invitations but never invite me to do anything. I can't remember the last time another mom or female friend invited me out for coffee, a walk, or anything. I usually invite other women to get together about once a month or so, to do something like brunch, a walk, coffee, and I wait a few months in between invitations with the same person. In other words, if I invite Jen for lunch in March, I'll wait until June to invite her for coffee next. I also don't get invited to birthday parties for friends or holiday celebrations. I feel invisible and overlooked. If I didn't reach out and do all this inviting, no one would reach out to me and I would be friendless.

I feel that the problem is that other women think I'm nice enough, but don't think of me as someone they would make the effort to reach out to. I feel like I have plenty in common with these other moms/women, and I feel like our conversations go well. I'm not sure how I can fix this problem and therapy has been no help. Any advice?

Maybe you are attracted to the wrong type of women. Why are you only going after moms? Moms are busy. Go after women who don’t have children—they usually have more free time. Same for older women with older children.
Find other lonely women. You’ll have more luck. And stay in your league. Friendship and dating are similar. Don’t pick women out of your league.

[Anonymous]

Pick an activity you truly enjoy. That's the likeliest venue for friendships to develop organically. Most mom friendships are shallow and situational. They fade quickly once the kids start moving in different circles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick an activity you truly enjoy. That's the likeliest venue for friendships to develop organically. Most mom friendships are shallow and situational. They fade quickly once the kids start moving in different circles.

+1 A good friend in her 40s realized she was lonely and wanted to make changes in her life, focusing on her social life. She joined a hiking club, participated enthusiastically, and made a great group of friends there. Eventually met her current partner, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your best friend is supposed to be your husband, OP. Not girlfriends. Your husband. Focus on that. Women don't get along. There is always infighting, backbiting, catfighting. There is no loyalty among females, and I am one. It is never as good as it seems, OP. You are not missing out on anything. Cheap intimacy is just that. Cheap.

Your best friend is supposed to be your husband. Wrong. You can't tell me what is "SUPPOSED" to be. Every marriage, every relationship is different.
Women don't get along. Wrong. Who says women don't get along? Perhaps YOU don't get along with women, PP. This appears to be a YOU problem
There is always infighting, backbiting, catfighting. Wrong. I've never experienced that.
There is no loyalty among females Wrong. That's a big statement about the majority of the people in the world. And, again, I'll say maybe YOU aren't loyal, PP, but that is not how I've experienced the world.

OP. Keep trying. Maybe step up the invitations? I do find it is difficult, but it will pay off. I am also an initiator of connection with friends, and some friends don't reciprocate, some do occasionally, some only do with big parties. People are busy. And sometimes it hurts my feelings, but ultimately I'm not everybody's best friend. You have to reach out and be vulnerable. Keep trying.

[Anonymous]

OP -- how do you have so much time for socializing if you have kids and a full-time job? Most people don't, which is probably why you aren't getting the invitations you expect.

[Anonymous]

You make friends when you see someone constantly. Occasional meetups, especially when it is mostly for kids to hang out can be fun but not enough to forget deeper connections.
What struck me most is your lack of confidence. That isn't enticing to anyone. Dress nice, do activities you enjoy consistently, come up with some interesting conversation starters and seek out women who may be in the same boat you are.