Friends don't like me enough to ever invite me

[Anonymous]

I'm a 43 year old woman and have only a few acquaintances/casual friends and no close friends. I've found it very hard to make good friends and have been trying for 10 years without much luck.

I am always the initiator and invite acquaintances/new acquaintances to do things a lot. What I've noticed is that women are happy to accept my invitations but never invite me to do anything. I can't remember the last time another mom or female friend invited me out for coffee, a walk, or anything. I usually invite other women to get together about once a month or so, to do something like brunch, a walk, coffee, and I wait a few months in between invitations with the same person. In other words, if I invite Jen for lunch in March, I'll wait until June to invite her for coffee next. I also don't get invited to birthday parties for friends or holiday celebrations. I feel invisible and overlooked. If I didn't reach out and do all this inviting, no one would reach out to me and I would be friendless.

I feel that the problem is that other women think I'm nice enough, but don't think of me as someone they would make the effort to reach out to. I feel like I have plenty in common with these other moms/women, and I feel like our conversations go well. I'm not sure how I can fix this problem and therapy has been no help. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I am the same age as you, and I hardly ever invite friends to do things because I work full time and have young kids. I do a few things with friends who share my hobby, but not much else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 43 year old woman and have only a few acquaintances/casual friends and no close friends. I've found it very hard to make good friends and have been trying for 10 years without much luck.

I am always the initiator and invite acquaintances/new acquaintances to do things a lot. What I've noticed is that women are happy to accept my invitations but never invite me to do anything. I can't remember the last time another mom or female friend invited me out for coffee, a walk, or anything. I usually invite other women to get together about once a month or so, to do something like brunch, a walk, coffee, and I wait a few months in between invitations with the same person. In other words, if I invite Jen for lunch in March, I'll wait until June to invite her for coffee next. I also don't get invited to birthday parties for friends or holiday celebrations. I feel invisible and overlooked. If I didn't reach out and do all this inviting, no one would reach out to me and I would be friendless.

I feel that the problem is that other women think I'm nice enough, but don't think of me as someone they would make the effort to reach out to. I feel like I have plenty in common with these other moms/women, and I feel like our conversations go well. I'm not sure how I can fix this problem and therapy has been no help. Any advice?

Take a closer look at your husband and his personality. He may likely be off-putting and the reason why you're not getting more invitations. It's his fault, not yours.

[Anonymous]

As you say, you are an acquaintance/ casual friend. They are going to invite their close friends to their parties and to hang out.

[Anonymous]

I think the real problem is the women are not interested in moving from acquaintances to friendship. I am sorry. I have no local friends myself.

[Anonymous]

Your best friend is supposed to be your husband, OP. Not girlfriends. Your husband. Focus on that. Women don't get along. There is always infighting, backbiting, catfighting. There is no loyalty among females, and I am one. It is never as good as it seems, OP. You are not missing out on anything. Cheap intimacy is just that. Cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 43 year old woman and have only a few acquaintances/casual friends and no close friends. I've found it very hard to make good friends and have been trying for 10 years without much luck.

I am always the initiator and invite acquaintances/new acquaintances to do things a lot. What I've noticed is that women are happy to accept my invitations but never invite me to do anything. I can't remember the last time another mom or female friend invited me out for coffee, a walk, or anything. I usually invite other women to get together about once a month or so, to do something like brunch, a walk, coffee, and I wait a few months in between invitations with the same person. In other words, if I invite Jen for lunch in March, I'll wait until June to invite her for coffee next. I also don't get invited to birthday parties for friends or holiday celebrations. I feel invisible and overlooked. If I didn't reach out and do all this inviting, no one would reach out to me and I would be friendless.

I feel that the problem is that other women think I'm nice enough, but don't think of me as someone they would make the effort to reach out to. I feel like I have plenty in common with these other moms/women, and I feel like our conversations go well. I'm not sure how I can fix this problem and therapy has been no help. Any advice?

What you feel is irrelevant to answer that question. You have to look at what THEY feel. Have they told you that your are nice and that they enjoy spending time with you?
If they don't reciprocate, it is obviously because they don't enjoy being around you as much as you think they do.

I would say that you are picking the wrong people to be friend with.
But because you mentioned that this is recurring, the problem may be you. There could be something with your personality that most people don't like. A therapist should be able to help you identify it. Find a better therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your best friend is supposed to be your husband, OP. Not girlfriends. Your husband. Focus on that. Women don't get along. There is always infighting, backbiting, catfighting. There is no loyalty among females, and I am one. It is never as good as it seems, OP. You are not missing out on anything. Cheap intimacy is just that. Cheap.

Wow that is really ... something. I have a great husband but I don't think he is enough! If I didn't have friends to connect with, both casual and close, that would make me super sad. Personally I do initiate so many things because I have lots of things I want to do. I have different friend groups and we do different things together- even if we only see each other a few times a year. So keep investing your friends, OP. It can take time and even vulnerability to make you feel close, but don't invest in people just because. You should be glad when you see them!

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thanks for your replies. I'm not sure what my husband's personality has to do with anything as we're not trying to make couple friends or family friends. I'm trying to make female friends for myself. Many of these casual friends/acquaintances are either from church, from meetup groups, or from the moms of my kids' friends. It seems they are not interested in going from casual friends/acquaintances to close friends. Why is this and what am I doing wrong? How can I fix it?

We seem to have a lot in common. I also see them often enough at various events, etc. and make it clear that I'd like to be closer friends by remembering important details about them and asking about it later, taking them out for their birthdays, texting them occasionally to check in and say hi.

One thing I recently noticed is that when my kids have had their birthday parties, none of the moms go--only the dads, who either drop off or stay. At the other kids' birthday parties I've been to this year, it's almost all the moms that have gone. I feel that this is another indication that the moms don't have any interest in getting to know me better.

And yes, my husband is my best friend but he does not want to go out for tea, go for a spa day, get nails done, do paint and sip events, go on long walks, take yoga classes, or go to art museums with me. I'd like to have closer female friends to do some of these things with. Instead I have no one to do things with in general so I do everything alone. We have no local family either, and I work from home. I also only have sons, who would not be interested in any of these things.

I feel lonely a lot. How can I improve this situation?

[Anonymous]

maybe youre trying too hard. forcing almost friend dates. Maybe instead get involved mote with stuff at school or church, or offer to do more for your kids with their friends, and see if friendship builds naturally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your best friend is supposed to be your husband, OP. Not girlfriends. Your husband. Focus on that. Women don't get along. There is always infighting, backbiting, catfighting. There is no loyalty among females, and I am one. It is never as good as it seems, OP. You are not missing out on anything. Cheap intimacy is just that. Cheap.

What? I have close female friends that I’ve known all of my life, and from high school, college, grad school, and different jobs. There has never been “infighting, backbiting, cat fighting”. This sounds nuts PP.

OP, it sounds like you’re trying to create friendships with busy people who don’t really need more friends, so it would be on you to initiate interactions as well as probably to do the emotional work of moving things from being acquaintances to being genuine friends. Instead of doing coffee, maybe think about doing activities that keep you and potential friends in proximity with each other long enough to determine whether you have common interests and values. As an adult, I’ve made friends taking yoga classes, doing activities focused on social issues, taking music classes, through other friends, and even from being in a book group. As people chime I here with similar issues, maybe you could consider doing a local meet-up.


Wishing you well with this OP!

[Anonymous]

Do you have an alumni group that does activities in your area? Many are often actively looking for members — and you’d be starting off with something in common.

[Anonymous]

OP here. What could be some examples of something about my personality that the other women don't like?

Also, if they really don't like me, why do they accept all my invitations? I would think they would make up an excuse and decline them.

Here is an example: I have invited my son's best friend and his mom to meet up with us for fun activities (mini golf, movie, bowling, etc.) about 10 times in two years. We always have a nice time chatting but she has never invited us to do anything. I have also invited her 1:1 for lunch several times. Again, she has never invited me to do anything but accepts my invitations. How do I interpret this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What could be some examples of something about my personality that the other women don't like?

Also, if they really don't like me, why do they accept all my invitations? I would think they would make up an excuse and decline them.

Here is an example: I have invited my son's best friend and his mom to meet up with us for fun activities (mini golf, movie, bowling, etc.) about 10 times in two years. We always have a nice time chatting but she has never invited us to do anything. I have also invited her 1:1 for lunch several times. Again, she has never invited me to do anything but accepts my invitations. How do I interpret this?

it's the friend dates. it's not organic.

friendship normally develops impromptu from happening to run into each other at work, bus stop, play date drop offs, volunteering. If you do invite to hang out, make it easy. Maybe a neighbor having a drink at your fire pit. Guys watching game while you chat. meeting X person for dinner or coffee, to me, seems like a drag unless it takes care of feeding my kid too, like whole family goes.

[Anonymous]

I can't speak for the people you know, OP, but I have come to learn that I am the kind of person that people without a lot of friends target for friendship. (Infer whatever you want that says about me, good or bad).

My schedule is too busy as it is, and am not really interested in developing new close friendships--though it does still happen sometimes organically.

If the any of people you're trying to befriend are like me, they're a dead end. You'll need to just keep trying with other people.