When someone you like texts rarely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last year, I worked with a colleague who had been very helpful and responsive, and we became good friends. At some point, he got so burned out and quit without any notice.

It turned out that outside of work, he barely replies to anybody's messages. Our mutual colleagues reached out to him, and some of them received a response two months later, and some of them haven't heard back at all. I got in touch with him, and he said that he has about 40 unread messages on social media and that his best friend had been trying to reach him for four days, and he is just not replying. He also said that he never initiates any conversations, even with his family members and closest friends. If I text him, he usually replies a week later, or sometimes I send another text a week later myself and then he reads both texts and replies. His responses to me are always very thoughtful and caring and sound like there is something more going on besides pure friendship. I do like him a lot but it bothers me that I need to wait for a week or more for every response.

I'm currently traveling in an unsafe country and therefore left my US cell phone at home. Before leaving, I notified him that my other country's phone can be contacted via WhatsApp during that time. He replied wishing safe travels and said that he'll text me via WhatsApp. A week later, he actually did find me on WhatsApp and asked how my trip is going. It's a big deal for a person who typically doesn't initiate, and I was happy to hear from him. I replied later that day (last Wednesday) but now see that he didn't read my response yet and hasn't been on WhatsApp since after he sent his message.

I want to keep and develop our connection and friendship but it bothers me that he takes so long to reply to every message. Is there a reasonable explanation for such behavior? Is it even possible to maintain any meaningful long-term relationship with such a person? None of my other friends and acquaintances communicate like this.

When you say long-term relationship, do you mean a friendship or a romantic relationship? If a friendship then yes, you can sustain friends by infrequent, slow texting at long distances. That’s the norm for long distance friends post-college I’d say.

If you mean a romantic relationship, I think you are not reading the room correctly here. If he hasn’t said “I’m interested in you, let me take you out” in one of these thoughtful text messages, then there is nothing more there.

Putting the ball in his court to text you on a different app while you’re traveling in another country (and he is too!) and expecting frequent comms is a little overbearing. Or thirsty, if you will.

I mean at least a friendship, although there is some romantic interest on both sides.

I have a lot of friends in other states and countries. When one of us initiates a conversation, we typically exchange multiple texts for a couple of days and then go silent for a month or two. Nobody except for this man waits for a week to reply to every single message. If he reached out asking how my trip is going, why does he take a week to read my response?

Because he wants to. Now, what are you going to do with that information?

Is there some reasonable explanation behind that? My other (real) friends reached out to me too and really wanted to know how I am - because the country is unsafe like I said. It would have been easier if that man didn't text me at all - otherwise why pretend that you care if you don't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me do you a favor I wish someone did for me when I was younger: if someone wants to reach out and get in touch or reply to you, they will. It's so easy to do (and easier today than it was when I was younger).

Give it up. This kind of thing does not change. He is not waiting for a sign that he is interested in you after all. He just...doesn't feel the pull. To be social, to respond to messages, to respond to you.

I thought about giving up multiple times and considered not even telling him that I'm leaving my phone behind for a month and not sharing my new phone number. He does sound depressed, and my birthday falls on my trip, and I thought if he reaches out and receives no response for a couple of weeks, he might start worrying.

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP?

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else find OP ridiculously annoying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious, is this person social, have friends? Been in relationships? Are they single? I guess I’m wondering if their communication style is this inconsistent and unreliable with everyone? I understand thinking there’s a special connection because when there is contact it feels good but I’d forget him and move on. You’re wasting your time on hope when you could have so much better. Write down what was so great about the conversations you had and then write down the frustrating communication. Keep it and look at it later. It might make sense.

He is single and appears to have a lot of friends, although he told me several times that his communication is inconsistent with everyone.
Our other colleague told me that they made plans to meet but then that man stopped responding, and they haven't met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you OP?

40s but feel like 15 when I'm thinking about him and his actions/words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me do you a favor I wish someone did for me when I was younger: if someone wants to reach out and get in touch or reply to you, they will. It's so easy to do (and easier today than it was when I was younger).

Give it up. This kind of thing does not change. He is not waiting for a sign that he is interested in you after all. He just...doesn't feel the pull. To be social, to respond to messages, to respond to you.

I thought about giving up multiple times and considered not even telling him that I'm leaving my phone behind for a month and not sharing my new phone number. He does sound depressed, and my birthday falls on my trip, and I thought if he reaches out and receives no response for a couple of weeks, he might start worrying.

Instead of playing mind games iwth him, how about just not reaching out to him, don't think about him in the meanwhile, and if he writes, writes back when you feel like it, and expect him to write back when he feels like it--no sooner no later. No expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me do you a favor I wish someone did for me when I was younger: if someone wants to reach out and get in touch or reply to you, they will. It's so easy to do (and easier today than it was when I was younger).

Give it up. This kind of thing does not change. He is not waiting for a sign that he is interested in you after all. He just...doesn't feel the pull. To be social, to respond to messages, to respond to you.

I thought about giving up multiple times and considered not even telling him that I'm leaving my phone behind for a month and not sharing my new phone number. He does sound depressed, and my birthday falls on my trip, and I thought if he reaches out and receives no response for a couple of weeks, he might start worrying.

If you were to ask chat GPT why this is manipulation this is what you would get:

This situation can be considered a mind game because it involves indirect communication, emotional manipulation, and a test of emotional response, rather than clear, honest dialogue. Let’s break it down:

Why It Can Be Seen as a Mind Game
1. Withholding Communication Intentionally
“Considered not even telling him that I'm leaving my phone behind for a month and not sharing my new number.”

This is a conscious decision to create uncertainty for the other person.

Instead of expressing your needs or boundaries, you're opting to disappear, leaving the other person to guess.

2. Testing Emotional Response
“I thought if he reaches out and receives no response... he might start worrying.”

This introduces a test of care or concern: "Will he worry? Will he reach out?"

The lack of response isn’t just a side effect of going off-grid—it's being used as a gauge of his feelings.

3. Exploiting Timing (Birthday)
“My birthday falls on my trip…”

This raises the emotional stakes. Not telling him where you are or that you're unreachable on your birthday invites guilt, confusion, or sadness—especially if he’s already struggling emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me do you a favor I wish someone did for me when I was younger: if someone wants to reach out and get in touch or reply to you, they will. It's so easy to do (and easier today than it was when I was younger).

Give it up. This kind of thing does not change. He is not waiting for a sign that he is interested in you after all. He just...doesn't feel the pull. To be social, to respond to messages, to respond to you.

I thought about giving up multiple times and considered not even telling him that I'm leaving my phone behind for a month and not sharing my new phone number. He does sound depressed, and my birthday falls on my trip, and I thought if he reaches out and receives no response for a couple of weeks, he might start worrying.

If you were to ask chat GPT why this is manipulation this is what you would get:

This situation can be considered a mind game because it involves indirect communication, emotional manipulation, and a test of emotional response, rather than clear, honest dialogue. Let’s break it down:

Why It Can Be Seen as a Mind Game
1. Withholding Communication Intentionally
“Considered not even telling him that I'm leaving my phone behind for a month and not sharing my new number.”

This is a conscious decision to create uncertainty for the other person.

Instead of expressing your needs or boundaries, you're opting to disappear, leaving the other person to guess.

2. Testing Emotional Response
“I thought if he reaches out and receives no response... he might start worrying.”

This introduces a test of care or concern: "Will he worry? Will he reach out?"

The lack of response isn’t just a side effect of going off-grid—it's being used as a gauge of his feelings.

3. Exploiting Timing (Birthday)
“My birthday falls on my trip…”

This raises the emotional stakes. Not telling him where you are or that you're unreachable on your birthday invites guilt, confusion, or sadness—especially if he’s already struggling emotionally.

I didn't mean it as a manipulation, just really considered giving up and removing the temptation to reach out myself (since there was no contact of his on the new phone). I actually asked ChatGPT before making the decision! It said that although he'll take me back when I come back after my disappearance, it might stain the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me do you a favor I wish someone did for me when I was younger: if someone wants to reach out and get in touch or reply to you, they will. It's so easy to do (and easier today than it was when I was younger).

Give it up. This kind of thing does not change. He is not waiting for a sign that he is interested in you after all. He just...doesn't feel the pull. To be social, to respond to messages, to respond to you.

I thought about giving up multiple times and considered not even telling him that I'm leaving my phone behind for a month and not sharing my new phone number. He does sound depressed, and my birthday falls on my trip, and I thought if he reaches out and receives no response for a couple of weeks, he might start worrying.

Instead of playing mind games iwth him, how about just not reaching out to him, don't think about him in the meanwhile, and if he writes, writes back when you feel like it, and expect him to write back when he feels like it--no sooner no later. No expectations.

The hard part is not to think about him. It would have been easier to stop interacting entirely but he told me so many times how much he appreciates me, and it seems that he does want to stay in touch, just on his own timeline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me do you a favor I wish someone did for me when I was younger: if someone wants to reach out and get in touch or reply to you, they will. It's so easy to do (and easier today than it was when I was younger).

Give it up. This kind of thing does not change. He is not waiting for a sign that he is interested in you after all. He just...doesn't feel the pull. To be social, to respond to messages, to respond to you.

I thought about giving up multiple times and considered not even telling him that I'm leaving my phone behind for a month and not sharing my new phone number. He does sound depressed, and my birthday falls on my trip, and I thought if he reaches out and receives no response for a couple of weeks, he might start worrying.

If you were to ask chat GPT why this is manipulation this is what you would get:

This situation can be considered a mind game because it involves indirect communication, emotional manipulation, and a test of emotional response, rather than clear, honest dialogue. Let’s break it down:

Why It Can Be Seen as a Mind Game
1. Withholding Communication Intentionally
“Considered not even telling him that I'm leaving my phone behind for a month and not sharing my new number.”

This is a conscious decision to create uncertainty for the other person.

Instead of expressing your needs or boundaries, you're opting to disappear, leaving the other person to guess.

2. Testing Emotional Response
“I thought if he reaches out and receives no response... he might start worrying.”

This introduces a test of care or concern: "Will he worry? Will he reach out?"

The lack of response isn’t just a side effect of going off-grid—it's being used as a gauge of his feelings.

3. Exploiting Timing (Birthday)
“My birthday falls on my trip…”

This raises the emotional stakes. Not telling him where you are or that you're unreachable on your birthday invites guilt, confusion, or sadness—especially if he’s already struggling emotionally.

I didn't mean it as a manipulation, just really considered giving up and removing the temptation to reach out myself (since there was no contact of his on the new phone). I actually asked ChatGPT before making the decision! It said that although he'll take me back when I come back after my disappearance, it might stain the relationship.

"take you back" doesn't apply as you two are not dating or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me do you a favor I wish someone did for me when I was younger: if someone wants to reach out and get in touch or reply to you, they will. It's so easy to do (and easier today than it was when I was younger).

Give it up. This kind of thing does not change. He is not waiting for a sign that he is interested in you after all. He just...doesn't feel the pull. To be social, to respond to messages, to respond to you.

I thought about giving up multiple times and considered not even telling him that I'm leaving my phone behind for a month and not sharing my new phone number. He does sound depressed, and my birthday falls on my trip, and I thought if he reaches out and receives no response for a couple of weeks, he might start worrying.

Instead of playing mind games iwth him, how about just not reaching out to him, don't think about him in the meanwhile, and if he writes, writes back when you feel like it, and expect him to write back when he feels like it--no sooner no later. No expectations.

The hard part is not to think about him. It would have been easier to stop interacting entirely but he told me so many times how much he appreciates me, and it seems that he does want to stay in touch, just on his own timeline.

which is his right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last year, I worked with a colleague who had been very helpful and responsive, and we became good friends. At some point, he got so burned out and quit without any notice.

It turned out that outside of work, he barely replies to anybody's messages. Our mutual colleagues reached out to him, and some of them received a response two months later, and some of them haven't heard back at all. I got in touch with him, and he said that he has about 40 unread messages on social media and that his best friend had been trying to reach him for four days, and he is just not replying. He also said that he never initiates any conversations, even with his family members and closest friends. If I text him, he usually replies a week later, or sometimes I send another text a week later myself and then he reads both texts and replies. His responses to me are always very thoughtful and caring and sound like there is something more going on besides pure friendship. I do like him a lot but it bothers me that I need to wait for a week or more for every response.

I'm currently traveling in an unsafe country and therefore left my US cell phone at home. Before leaving, I notified him that my other country's phone can be contacted via WhatsApp during that time. He replied wishing safe travels and said that he'll text me via WhatsApp. A week later, he actually did find me on WhatsApp and asked how my trip is going. It's a big deal for a person who typically doesn't initiate, and I was happy to hear from him. I replied later that day (last Wednesday) but now see that he didn't read my response yet and hasn't been on WhatsApp since after he sent his message.

I want to keep and develop our connection and friendship but it bothers me that he takes so long to reply to every message. Is there a reasonable explanation for such behavior? Is it even possible to maintain any meaningful long-term relationship with such a person? None of my other friends and acquaintances communicate like this.

When you say long-term relationship, do you mean a friendship or a romantic relationship? If a friendship then yes, you can sustain friends by infrequent, slow texting at long distances. That’s the norm for long distance friends post-college I’d say.

If you mean a romantic relationship, I think you are not reading the room correctly here. If he hasn’t said “I’m interested in you, let me take you out” in one of these thoughtful text messages, then there is nothing more there.

Putting the ball in his court to text you on a different app while you’re traveling in another country (and he is too!) and expecting frequent comms is a little overbearing. Or thirsty, if you will.

I mean at least a friendship, although there is some romantic interest on both sides.

I have a lot of friends in other states and countries. When one of us initiates a conversation, we typically exchange multiple texts for a couple of days and then go silent for a month or two. Nobody except for this man waits for a week to reply to every single message. If he reached out asking how my trip is going, why does he take a week to read my response?

Because he wants to. Now, what are you going to do with that information?

Is there some reasonable explanation behind that? My other (real) friends reached out to me too and really wanted to know how I am - because the country is unsafe like I said. It would have been easier if that man didn't text me at all - otherwise why pretend that you care if you don't?

He already gave you his reasonable (to him) explanation. He doesn’t text frequently, and that’s just how he is. You can’t ask strangers on an anonymous forum to explain when the man himself already gave you an answer.

It would do you well to take him at his word and stop obsessing. Either you’re okay with it or you’re not so either dump him or relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me do you a favor I wish someone did for me when I was younger: if someone wants to reach out and get in touch or reply to you, they will. It's so easy to do (and easier today than it was when I was younger).

Give it up. This kind of thing does not change. He is not waiting for a sign that he is interested in you after all. He just...doesn't feel the pull. To be social, to respond to messages, to respond to you.

I thought about giving up multiple times and considered not even telling him that I'm leaving my phone behind for a month and not sharing my new phone number. He does sound depressed, and my birthday falls on my trip, and I thought if he reaches out and receives no response for a couple of weeks, he might start worrying.

Instead of playing mind games iwth him, how about just not reaching out to him, don't think about him in the meanwhile, and if he writes, writes back when you feel like it, and expect him to write back when he feels like it--no sooner no later. No expectations.

The hard part is not to think about him. It would have been easier to stop interacting entirely but he told me so many times how much he appreciates me, and it seems that he does want to stay in touch, just on his own timeline.

He wants a casual friendship with you, nothing more. You're reading way too much into his texts because you've deluded yourself into thinking there is something between you. There isn't. If there was he would put in an actual effort. He wouldn't text you once to see how your trip was and then not follow up again. That's not what someone who is interested in someone does. You have 2 choices. 1. Accept this friendship for how it is, which is infrequent but sincere texts or 2. End the friendship because it isnt the level you need it to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me do you a favor I wish someone did for me when I was younger: if someone wants to reach out and get in touch or reply to you, they will. It's so easy to do (and easier today than it was when I was younger).

Give it up. This kind of thing does not change. He is not waiting for a sign that he is interested in you after all. He just...doesn't feel the pull. To be social, to respond to messages, to respond to you.

I thought about giving up multiple times and considered not even telling him that I'm leaving my phone behind for a month and not sharing my new phone number. He does sound depressed, and my birthday falls on my trip, and I thought if he reaches out and receives no response for a couple of weeks, he might start worrying.

If you were to ask chat GPT why this is manipulation this is what you would get:

This situation can be considered a mind game because it involves indirect communication, emotional manipulation, and a test of emotional response, rather than clear, honest dialogue. Let’s break it down:

Why It Can Be Seen as a Mind Game
1. Withholding Communication Intentionally
“Considered not even telling him that I'm leaving my phone behind for a month and not sharing my new number.”

This is a conscious decision to create uncertainty for the other person.

Instead of expressing your needs or boundaries, you're opting to disappear, leaving the other person to guess.

2. Testing Emotional Response
“I thought if he reaches out and receives no response... he might start worrying.”

This introduces a test of care or concern: "Will he worry? Will he reach out?"

The lack of response isn’t just a side effect of going off-grid—it's being used as a gauge of his feelings.

3. Exploiting Timing (Birthday)
“My birthday falls on my trip…”

This raises the emotional stakes. Not telling him where you are or that you're unreachable on your birthday invites guilt, confusion, or sadness—especially if he’s already struggling emotionally.

I didn't mean it as a manipulation, just really considered giving up and removing the temptation to reach out myself (since there was no contact of his on the new phone). I actually asked ChatGPT before making the decision! It said that although he'll take me back when I come back after my disappearance, it might stain the relationship.

"take you back" doesn't apply as you two are not dating or anything.

I know, but this is what Chatgpt said - probably meant taking back as a friend.