When someone you like texts rarely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last year, I worked with a colleague who had been very helpful and responsive, and we became good friends. At some point, he got so burned out and quit without any notice.

It turned out that outside of work, he barely replies to anybody's messages. Our mutual colleagues reached out to him, and some of them received a response two months later, and some of them haven't heard back at all. I got in touch with him, and he said that he has about 40 unread messages on social media and that his best friend had been trying to reach him for four days, and he is just not replying. He also said that he never initiates any conversations, even with his family members and closest friends. If I text him, he usually replies a week later, or sometimes I send another text a week later myself and then he reads both texts and replies. His responses to me are always very thoughtful and caring and sound like there is something more going on besides pure friendship. I do like him a lot but it bothers me that I need to wait for a week or more for every response.

I'm currently traveling in an unsafe country and therefore left my US cell phone at home. Before leaving, I notified him that my other country's phone can be contacted via WhatsApp during that time. He replied wishing safe travels and said that he'll text me via WhatsApp. A week later, he actually did find me on WhatsApp and asked how my trip is going. It's a big deal for a person who typically doesn't initiate, and I was happy to hear from him. I replied later that day (last Wednesday) but now see that he didn't read my response yet and hasn't been on WhatsApp since after he sent his message.

I want to keep and develop our connection and friendship but it bothers me that he takes so long to reply to every message. Is there a reasonable explanation for such behavior? Is it even possible to maintain any meaningful long-term relationship with such a person? None of my other friends and acquaintances communicate like this.

When you say long-term relationship, do you mean a friendship or a romantic relationship? If a friendship then yes, you can sustain friends by infrequent, slow texting at long distances. That’s the norm for long distance friends post-college I’d say.

If you mean a romantic relationship, I think you are not reading the room correctly here. If he hasn’t said “I’m interested in you, let me take you out” in one of these thoughtful text messages, then there is nothing more there.

Putting the ball in his court to text you on a different app while you’re traveling in another country (and he is too!) and expecting frequent comms is a little overbearing. Or thirsty, if you will.

I mean at least a friendship, although there is some romantic interest on both sides.

I have a lot of friends in other states and countries. When one of us initiates a conversation, we typically exchange multiple texts for a couple of days and then go silent for a month or two. Nobody except for this man waits for a week to reply to every single message. If he reached out asking how my trip is going, why does he take a week to read my response?

Because he wants to. Now, what are you going to do with that information?

Is there some reasonable explanation behind that? My other (real) friends reached out to me too and really wanted to know how I am - because the country is unsafe like I said. It would have been easier if that man didn't text me at all - otherwise why pretend that you care if you don't?

Drama llama.

Why are you spending so much time in an "unsafe country" where people from abroad have to constantly check on you? Are they going to fly over and rescue you if you get kidnapped or murdered?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. He came back to WhatsApp on my birthday, 8 days after he reached out to me and received my response. He sent 6 short messages, the first being "happy birthday" and the last "when do you return?" Then he sent 2 more messages a day later, and I haven't heard from him since Friday when I asked about his plans for the holiday weekend. I so don't understand our relationship.

OMG. Let me make this super easy for you:

A lot of men just want entertainment whenever they feel like it. They don't like you, they don't want a relationship, it is literally just a way to pass the time when they're lonely and they like the ego boost of "I can text her and she responds immediately".

When you're young (which I'm guessing you are), the challenge of a man like that is enticing. It makes you feel special. "He doesn't like anybody else but he picked me! I am the chosen one!" No, you are not. He is just a guy who is maybe depressed, doesn't have the capability to put effort into a relationship, and wants attention on his terms. It's "wyd?" but without the sex.

Try an experiment. Stop replying to him for a few months and see what happens. He's not suddenly going to ride in on a white horse and proclaim his love for you. He'll move on to the next sucker.

[Anonymous]

He may not be into using the apps for texting etc and only checks them sporadically then sends bursts. These may be on a secondary phone seldom used as opposed to one they use a lot.
I have a secondary phone and see texts once a week those folks aren't a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a little shy, a little depressed, a little embarrassed about his job situation,.and probably playing video games and watching TV a lot.

This a common personality type, especially for men.

Yes, he is definitely somewhat depressed and is playing video games a lot. He has a very good new job though, not embarrassed about it.

I'm going to be less proactive with him but if he reaches out, will keep replying. I don't want to ignore him for a month or three and further contribute to his depression and anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Come on, OP ! Hell absolutely survive without your responses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me do you a favor I wish someone did for me when I was younger: if someone wants to reach out and get in touch or reply to you, they will. It's so easy to do (and easier today than it was when I was younger).

Give it up. This kind of thing does not change. He is not waiting for a sign that he is interested in you after all. He just...doesn't feel the pull. To be social, to respond to messages, to respond to you.

I thought about giving up multiple times and considered not even telling him that I'm leaving my phone behind for a month and not sharing my new phone number. He does sound depressed, and my birthday falls on my trip, and I thought if he reaches out and receives no response for a couple of weeks, he might start worrying.

Stop flattering yourself. He’s allowed to respond if/when he wants. He obviously doesn’t see you as a priority, but a distant friend.