When someone you like texts rarely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, he sounds like a nice person who is on the spectrum. My young adult son with ADHD and autism communicates in the same way. If you want to be friends (or more), please expect to do all the social heavy lifting.

He told me he has ADHD and anxiety. What would be the best way to communicate with him in order not to overwhelm him and keep it enjoyable for myself too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last year, I worked with a colleague who had been very helpful and responsive, and we became good friends. At some point, he got so burned out and quit without any notice.

It turned out that outside of work, he barely replies to anybody's messages. Our mutual colleagues reached out to him, and some of them received a response two months later, and some of them haven't heard back at all. I got in touch with him, and he said that he has about 40 unread messages on social media and that his best friend had been trying to reach him for four days, and he is just not replying. He also said that he never initiates any conversations, even with his family members and closest friends. If I text him, he usually replies a week later, or sometimes I send another text a week later myself and then he reads both texts and replies. His responses to me are always very thoughtful and caring and sound like there is something more going on besides pure friendship. I do like him a lot but it bothers me that I need to wait for a week or more for every response.

I'm currently traveling in an unsafe country and therefore left my US cell phone at home. Before leaving, I notified him that my other country's phone can be contacted via WhatsApp during that time. He replied wishing safe travels and said that he'll text me via WhatsApp. A week later, he actually did find me on WhatsApp and asked how my trip is going. It's a big deal for a person who typically doesn't initiate, and I was happy to hear from him. I replied later that day (last Wednesday) but now see that he didn't read my response yet and hasn't been on WhatsApp since after he sent his message.

I want to keep and develop our connection and friendship but it bothers me that he takes so long to reply to every message. Is there a reasonable explanation for such behavior? Is it even possible to maintain any meaningful long-term relationship with such a person? None of my other friends and acquaintances communicate like this.

why does he need to be concerned with this?

I'm the one concerned here.
When we spoke over the phone last month, he said that if he doesn't reply for a week, it doesn't mean that he is ignoring me (I didn't bring that up, he just commented by himself). What does that even mean?

He meant to not do the questioning in your head that you are doing now. That is exactly what he meant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, he sounds like a nice person who is on the spectrum. My young adult son with ADHD and autism communicates in the same way. If you want to be friends (or more), please expect to do all the social heavy lifting.

He told me he has ADHD and anxiety. What would be the best way to communicate with him in order not to overwhelm him and keep it enjoyable for myself too?

What!? You can't control another person as if he were a puppet!! You cannot make him text or talk to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, he sounds like a nice person who is on the spectrum. My young adult son with ADHD and autism communicates in the same way. If you want to be friends (or more), please expect to do all the social heavy lifting.

He told me he has ADHD and anxiety. What would be the best way to communicate with him in order not to overwhelm him and keep it enjoyable for myself too?

Just like you are. You can ask if he wants to talk on the phone every once in a while. And be ready for bursts of communication - followed by long stretches of nothing.

I'm like this with a lot of people, too. I go through a period where I am eager to message back and forth for two days. But then I'm sort of done for a while. I might not want to talk to anyone or might want to talk to someone else. ADHD is part of it for me - I have some anxiety but I don't think that's driving any of this.

Take him on his terms! Otherwise you're going to have to marry him and live together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, he sounds like a nice person who is on the spectrum. My young adult son with ADHD and autism communicates in the same way. If you want to be friends (or more), please expect to do all the social heavy lifting.

He told me he has ADHD and anxiety. What would be the best way to communicate with him in order not to overwhelm him and keep it enjoyable for myself too?

I think he likes you well enough to overcome his inattention, social anxiety and perfectionism by crafting thoughtful replies and keeping the relationship alive. But I'm not sure he has more to give, although it's a good sign that he's upfront about his quirks and has a basic amount of self-awareness. You can maybe ask directly if he would prefer another mode of communication, and maybe a schedule. Like a Sunday morning Facetime every week. Can he do that? It might lessen his anxiety, because he would know when to expect a social interaction, and seeing your face might spark a little more interest on his part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, he sounds like a nice person who is on the spectrum. My young adult son with ADHD and autism communicates in the same way. If you want to be friends (or more), please expect to do all the social heavy lifting.

He told me he has ADHD and anxiety. What would be the best way to communicate with him in order not to overwhelm him and keep it enjoyable for myself too?

I think he likes you well enough to overcome his inattention, social anxiety and perfectionism by crafting thoughtful replies and keeping the relationship alive. But I'm not sure he has more to give, although it's a good sign that he's upfront about his quirks and has a basic amount of self-awareness. You can maybe ask directly if he would prefer another mode of communication, and maybe a schedule. Like a Sunday morning Facetime every week. Can he do that? It might lessen his anxiety, because he would know when to expect a social interaction, and seeing your face might spark a little more interest on his part.

Why is everyone diagnosing him? There is nothing wrong with him, he just doesn't feeling talking to this lady when she summons him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to make something happen with someone who lives far away and is terrible at communicating?

We really like each other when we communicate/talk over the phone. We understand each other so well, he shared a lot with me and asked a lot of questions about my life and remembers and repeats everything I shared. It's such a special connection for me, I want to keep him in my life but of course don't want to force him to communicate if he doesn't want to.

Before I got used to his communication style, I thought that he doesn't want to stay in touch and even deleted his phone number. When we reconnected, I told him what I did and why and he was clearly upset and texted me right away, so that I could save his contact again.

[Anonymous]

Some people (like me) hate texting and electronic communication. It's irritating and impersonal. Maybe he's just an old school "face to face" or phone communicator.
Call him on the phone if you really want to talk to him, and see if that's better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last year, I worked with a colleague who had been very helpful and responsive, and we became good friends. At some point, he got so burned out and quit without any notice.

It turned out that outside of work, he barely replies to anybody's messages. Our mutual colleagues reached out to him, and some of them received a response two months later, and some of them haven't heard back at all. I got in touch with him, and he said that he has about 40 unread messages on social media and that his best friend had been trying to reach him for four days, and he is just not replying. He also said that he never initiates any conversations, even with his family members and closest friends. If I text him, he usually replies a week later, or sometimes I send another text a week later myself and then he reads both texts and replies. His responses to me are always very thoughtful and caring and sound like there is something more going on besides pure friendship. I do like him a lot but it bothers me that I need to wait for a week or more for every response.

I'm currently traveling in an unsafe country and therefore left my US cell phone at home. Before leaving, I notified him that my other country's phone can be contacted via WhatsApp during that time. He replied wishing safe travels and said that he'll text me via WhatsApp. A week later, he actually did find me on WhatsApp and asked how my trip is going. It's a big deal for a person who typically doesn't initiate, and I was happy to hear from him. I replied later that day (last Wednesday) but now see that he didn't read my response yet and hasn't been on WhatsApp since after he sent his message.

I want to keep and develop our connection and friendship but it bothers me that he takes so long to reply to every message. Is there a reasonable explanation for such behavior? Is it even possible to maintain any meaningful long-term relationship with such a person? None of my other friends and acquaintances communicate like this.

When you say long-term relationship, do you mean a friendship or a romantic relationship? If a friendship then yes, you can sustain friends by infrequent, slow texting at long distances. That’s the norm for long distance friends post-college I’d say.

If you mean a romantic relationship, I think you are not reading the room correctly here. If he hasn’t said “I’m interested in you, let me take you out” in one of these thoughtful text messages, then there is nothing more there.

Putting the ball in his court to text you on a different app while you’re traveling in another country (and he is too!) and expecting frequent comms is a little overbearing. Or thirsty, if you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people (like me) hate texting and electronic communication. It's irritating and impersonal. Maybe he's just an old school "face to face" or phone communicator.
Call him on the phone if you really want to talk to him, and see if that's better.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP he’s just not into you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last year, I worked with a colleague who had been very helpful and responsive, and we became good friends. At some point, he got so burned out and quit without any notice.

It turned out that outside of work, he barely replies to anybody's messages. Our mutual colleagues reached out to him, and some of them received a response two months later, and some of them haven't heard back at all. I got in touch with him, and he said that he has about 40 unread messages on social media and that his best friend had been trying to reach him for four days, and he is just not replying. He also said that he never initiates any conversations, even with his family members and closest friends. If I text him, he usually replies a week later, or sometimes I send another text a week later myself and then he reads both texts and replies. His responses to me are always very thoughtful and caring and sound like there is something more going on besides pure friendship. I do like him a lot but it bothers me that I need to wait for a week or more for every response.

I'm currently traveling in an unsafe country and therefore left my US cell phone at home. Before leaving, I notified him that my other country's phone can be contacted via WhatsApp during that time. He replied wishing safe travels and said that he'll text me via WhatsApp. A week later, he actually did find me on WhatsApp and asked how my trip is going. It's a big deal for a person who typically doesn't initiate, and I was happy to hear from him. I replied later that day (last Wednesday) but now see that he didn't read my response yet and hasn't been on WhatsApp since after he sent his message.

I want to keep and develop our connection and friendship but it bothers me that he takes so long to reply to every message. Is there a reasonable explanation for such behavior? Is it even possible to maintain any meaningful long-term relationship with such a person? None of my other friends and acquaintances communicate like this.

When you say long-term relationship, do you mean a friendship or a romantic relationship? If a friendship then yes, you can sustain friends by infrequent, slow texting at long distances. That’s the norm for long distance friends post-college I’d say.

If you mean a romantic relationship, I think you are not reading the room correctly here. If he hasn’t said “I’m interested in you, let me take you out” in one of these thoughtful text messages, then there is nothing more there.

Putting the ball in his court to text you on a different app while you’re traveling in another country (and he is too!) and expecting frequent comms is a little overbearing. Or thirsty, if you will.

I mean at least a friendship, although there is some romantic interest on both sides.

I have a lot of friends in other states and countries. When one of us initiates a conversation, we typically exchange multiple texts for a couple of days and then go silent for a month or two. Nobody except for this man waits for a week to reply to every single message. If he reached out asking how my trip is going, why does he take a week to read my response?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last year, I worked with a colleague who had been very helpful and responsive, and we became good friends. At some point, he got so burned out and quit without any notice.

It turned out that outside of work, he barely replies to anybody's messages. Our mutual colleagues reached out to him, and some of them received a response two months later, and some of them haven't heard back at all. I got in touch with him, and he said that he has about 40 unread messages on social media and that his best friend had been trying to reach him for four days, and he is just not replying. He also said that he never initiates any conversations, even with his family members and closest friends. If I text him, he usually replies a week later, or sometimes I send another text a week later myself and then he reads both texts and replies. His responses to me are always very thoughtful and caring and sound like there is something more going on besides pure friendship. I do like him a lot but it bothers me that I need to wait for a week or more for every response.

I'm currently traveling in an unsafe country and therefore left my US cell phone at home. Before leaving, I notified him that my other country's phone can be contacted via WhatsApp during that time. He replied wishing safe travels and said that he'll text me via WhatsApp. A week later, he actually did find me on WhatsApp and asked how my trip is going. It's a big deal for a person who typically doesn't initiate, and I was happy to hear from him. I replied later that day (last Wednesday) but now see that he didn't read my response yet and hasn't been on WhatsApp since after he sent his message.

I want to keep and develop our connection and friendship but it bothers me that he takes so long to reply to every message. Is there a reasonable explanation for such behavior? Is it even possible to maintain any meaningful long-term relationship with such a person? None of my other friends and acquaintances communicate like this.

When you say long-term relationship, do you mean a friendship or a romantic relationship? If a friendship then yes, you can sustain friends by infrequent, slow texting at long distances. That’s the norm for long distance friends post-college I’d say.

If you mean a romantic relationship, I think you are not reading the room correctly here. If he hasn’t said “I’m interested in you, let me take you out” in one of these thoughtful text messages, then there is nothing more there.

Putting the ball in his court to text you on a different app while you’re traveling in another country (and he is too!) and expecting frequent comms is a little overbearing. Or thirsty, if you will.

I mean at least a friendship, although there is some romantic interest on both sides.

I have a lot of friends in other states and countries. When one of us initiates a conversation, we typically exchange multiple texts for a couple of days and then go silent for a month or two. Nobody except for this man waits for a week to reply to every single message. If he reached out asking how my trip is going, why does he take a week to read my response?

Because he wants to. Now, what are you going to do with that information?

[Anonymous]

Let me do you a favor I wish someone did for me when I was younger: if someone wants to reach out and get in touch or reply to you, they will. It's so easy to do (and easier today than it was when I was younger).

Give it up. This kind of thing does not change. He is not waiting for a sign that he is interested in you after all. He just...doesn't feel the pull. To be social, to respond to messages, to respond to you.

[Anonymous]

I’m curious, is this person social, have friends? Been in relationships? Are they single? I guess I’m wondering if their communication style is this inconsistent and unreliable with everyone? I understand thinking there’s a special connection because when there is contact it feels good but I’d forget him and move on. You’re wasting your time on hope when you could have so much better. Write down what was so great about the conversations you had and then write down the frustrating communication. Keep it and look at it later. It might make sense.