How much to push my kid out of her comfort zone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start making her step out of her comfort zone in normalized settings. Ordering her own food at a restaurant for example. Sending her into the grocery store etc

I could have written this. My kid was so anxious about a new middle school among other things. We started with driving by it, then in the parking lot, etc. we worked with a therapist, this worked to get him from refusal to nervous and he loved the school.

Meant to add; we also had him practice ordering for himself, then 7-11, had to work our way from me standing next to him at the register to waiting outside while he did the transaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start making her step out of her comfort zone in normalized settings. Ordering her own food at a restaurant for example. Sending her into the grocery store etc

I could have written this. My kid was so anxious about a new middle school among other things. We started with driving by it, then in the parking lot, etc. we worked with a therapist, this worked to get him from refusal to nervous and he loved the school.

Agree. This was the first thing our therapist recommended doing, too - start small with things like ordering food, saying hi to friends, paying for things in the store, etc., once they master those things than the next level up doesn't seem as hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use money or whatever currency she values, to bribe her. I have a son like this, super shy. We were at a holiday party and I told him I would give him money for each person he audibly said hi to. Start small and try to make it a game. He doesn't like greeting friends outside school. Same bribe. He didn't immediately go and say hi to gazillion people but he said hi to a couple and I think it slowly normalizes the experience and he knows it didn't kill him or anything.

This son also does an instrument that has recitals. I use money again to bribe. It worked, and he was able to do it the second time when he couldn't the first time. I think it helped him view the recital as not just this painful experience for no reason, but as a way to earn money. With that end goal to focus on, he was able to withstand the discomfort better. I am hoping these paid experiences teach him that these events are survivable and can turn into a source of pride. And of course he is also learning to regulate that overwhelming shyness.

Absolutely do not do this. Wow.

Lol wow your argument is so convincing. People only think that changing how someone talks about something will affect behavior. But they forget or maybe don't know that changing behavior also affects the the way someone thinks about something. For young children, incentivizing them to change their behavior absolutely works to normalize things for them. See Kazdin method. Plus, you have never in your life feared something and then once you did it, realized, that was not that bad? My kid is cautious, shy by nature and would not try many things left to his own devices, and yes it is absolutely my job as the parent to push him to realize that this discomfort is just a feeling he can choose to ignore, and that doing new things can be rewarding.

I just looked up the Kazdin method and I feel really sad for your child that you are equating his introvertedness and possibly even anxiety with defiance.

No, i'm not. Kazdin method is simply a method of changing behavior through positive reinforcement. It's like the foot in the door phenomenon in psychology where the easiest way to get someone to do something big is to get them to take a small step (i'm sure i'm butchering this explanation). Anyways, it's just the idea that the best way to change behavior is to normalize the desired behavior, not just talking endlessly about how you can overcome shyness.

But sure, go see a therapist. that seems to be today's go to solution for everything. To me, that is sending the message there is something wrong with shyness and that you as a parent cannot help. Shyness is just a feeling that you do not have to act on, just like any other feeling you might have. Shyness has its uses, like any temperament, so it's not inherent a negative, but you need to train your kid with baby steps to learn to overcome the feeling when it's necessary (when it's stopping him/her from doing something he/she would otherwise want to do). And before you say i don't get it, i truly do. I was that super shy kid who never felt comfortable with large groups, strangers, and hated talking to them. So when my kid is super shy, I am not surprised. It is very familiar to me and I sympathize with him, but I also push him so that it is never something that holds him back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use money or whatever currency she values, to bribe her. I have a son like this, super shy. We were at a holiday party and I told him I would give him money for each person he audibly said hi to. Start small and try to make it a game. He doesn't like greeting friends outside school. Same bribe. He didn't immediately go and say hi to gazillion people but he said hi to a couple and I think it slowly normalizes the experience and he knows it didn't kill him or anything.

This son also does an instrument that has recitals. I use money again to bribe. It worked, and he was able to do it the second time when he couldn't the first time. I think it helped him view the recital as not just this painful experience for no reason, but as a way to earn money. With that end goal to focus on, he was able to withstand the discomfort better. I am hoping these paid experiences teach him that these events are survivable and can turn into a source of pride. And of course he is also learning to regulate that overwhelming shyness.

Absolutely do not do this. Wow.

Lol wow your argument is so convincing. People only think that changing how someone talks about something will affect behavior. But they forget or maybe don't know that changing behavior also affects the the way someone thinks about something. For young children, incentivizing them to change their behavior absolutely works to normalize things for them. See Kazdin method. Plus, you have never in your life feared something and then once you did it, realized, that was not that bad? My kid is cautious, shy by nature and would not try many things left to his own devices, and yes it is absolutely my job as the parent to push him to realize that this discomfort is just a feeling he can choose to ignore, and that doing new things can be rewarding.

So you're going to bribe him to do anything that is outside of his comfort zone...for how long? Can't wait until he's older and realizes he can bargain with you "hey. mom, I'm really scared to go live in the dorm next year, but I guess I'll try it if you give me $10K in spending money every semester."

Personally, I prefer to give my child the tools she needs to understand and help resolve some of what is causing her anxiety so that she can grow up and be able to solve her own problems and learn how to do things independently.

It is a bit child dependent, which is why i say use whatever currency is effective and appropriate. For some kids, it might be a special outing or a prize or whatever. The idea is simply positive reinforcement of desired behavior (which I think is most effective when combined with the tools-giving you mention; the two sides should work together ideally). I do not have a kid that would manipulate me to bribe him (because honestly, very shy kids also generally tend to be very sensitive and conscientious), at least not currently but of course that is something I would have to watch for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use money or whatever currency she values, to bribe her. I have a son like this, super shy. We were at a holiday party and I told him I would give him money for each person he audibly said hi to. Start small and try to make it a game. He doesn't like greeting friends outside school. Same bribe. He didn't immediately go and say hi to gazillion people but he said hi to a couple and I think it slowly normalizes the experience and he knows it didn't kill him or anything.

This son also does an instrument that has recitals. I use money again to bribe. It worked, and he was able to do it the second time when he couldn't the first time. I think it helped him view the recital as not just this painful experience for no reason, but as a way to earn money. With that end goal to focus on, he was able to withstand the discomfort better. I am hoping these paid experiences teach him that these events are survivable and can turn into a source of pride. And of course he is also learning to regulate that overwhelming shyness.

Absolutely do not do this. Wow.

Lol wow your argument is so convincing. People only think that changing how someone talks about something will affect behavior. But they forget or maybe don't know that changing behavior also affects the the way someone thinks about something. For young children, incentivizing them to change their behavior absolutely works to normalize things for them. See Kazdin method. Plus, you have never in your life feared something and then once you did it, realized, that was not that bad? My kid is cautious, shy by nature and would not try many things left to his own devices, and yes it is absolutely my job as the parent to push him to realize that this discomfort is just a feeling he can choose to ignore, and that doing new things can be rewarding.

So you're going to bribe him to do anything that is outside of his comfort zone...for how long? Can't wait until he's older and realizes he can bargain with you "hey. mom, I'm really scared to go live in the dorm next year, but I guess I'll try it if you give me $10K in spending money every semester."

Personally, I prefer to give my child the tools she needs to understand and help resolve some of what is causing her anxiety so that she can grow up and be able to solve her own problems and learn how to do things independently.

It is a bit child dependent, which is why i say use whatever currency is effective and appropriate. For some kids, it might be a special outing or a prize or whatever. The idea is simply positive reinforcement of desired behavior (which I think is most effective when combined with the tools-giving you mention; the two sides should work together ideally). I do not have a kid that would manipulate me to bribe him (because honestly, very shy kids also generally tend to be very sensitive and conscientious), at least not currently but of course that is something I would have to watch for.

Np here. A lot of us gave our kids an MnM when they successfully used the potty during potty training. It’s recommended here a lot. Why? It’s a small incentive to get over a big hurdle. I can guarantee none of those MnM kids are demanding a snickers bar every time they go 💩 now 🤣 Paying an ultra shy kid to say hi to someone isn’t that terrible imo. And I have an anxious kid that went through a lot of CBT. Maybe we should have gone with a dollar here and there!

[Anonymous]

I would push, gently. Make it part of a group so she doesn’t feel singled out or alone in a spotlight: chorus would be great as would playing in an orchestra if she continues with violin or a team sport if she is interested in athletics. Places she will contribute individually and as part of a team — so many big lessons and skills to learn from that. And her discomfort is likely to diminish the more exposure she has (but of course not for everyone. Some kids are just anxious.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use money or whatever currency she values, to bribe her. I have a son like this, super shy. We were at a holiday party and I told him I would give him money for each person he audibly said hi to. Start small and try to make it a game. He doesn't like greeting friends outside school. Same bribe. He didn't immediately go and say hi to gazillion people but he said hi to a couple and I think it slowly normalizes the experience and he knows it didn't kill him or anything.

This son also does an instrument that has recitals. I use money again to bribe. It worked, and he was able to do it the second time when he couldn't the first time. I think it helped him view the recital as not just this painful experience for no reason, but as a way to earn money. With that end goal to focus on, he was able to withstand the discomfort better. I am hoping these paid experiences teach him that these events are survivable and can turn into a source of pride. And of course he is also learning to regulate that overwhelming shyness.

Absolutely do not do this. Wow.

Lol wow your argument is so convincing. People only think that changing how someone talks about something will affect behavior. But they forget or maybe don't know that changing behavior also affects the the way someone thinks about something. For young children, incentivizing them to change their behavior absolutely works to normalize things for them. See Kazdin method. Plus, you have never in your life feared something and then once you did it, realized, that was not that bad? My kid is cautious, shy by nature and would not try many things left to his own devices, and yes it is absolutely my job as the parent to push him to realize that this discomfort is just a feeling he can choose to ignore, and that doing new things can be rewarding.

I just looked up the Kazdin method and I feel really sad for your child that you are equating his introvertedness and possibly even anxiety with defiance.

No, i'm not. Kazdin method is simply a method of changing behavior through positive reinforcement. It's like the foot in the door phenomenon in psychology where the easiest way to get someone to do something big is to get them to take a small step (i'm sure i'm butchering this explanation). Anyways, it's just the idea that the best way to change behavior is to normalize the desired behavior, not just talking endlessly about how you can overcome shyness.

But sure, go see a therapist. that seems to be today's go to solution for everything. To me, that is sending the message there is something wrong with shyness and that you as a parent cannot help.

Obviously you think there is something wrong with shyness if you are recommending changing it!

Kazdin is a therapist and a therapy scholar!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use money or whatever currency she values, to bribe her. I have a son like this, super shy. We were at a holiday party and I told him I would give him money for each person he audibly said hi to. Start small and try to make it a game. He doesn't like greeting friends outside school. Same bribe. He didn't immediately go and say hi to gazillion people but he said hi to a couple and I think it slowly normalizes the experience and he knows it didn't kill him or anything.

This son also does an instrument that has recitals. I use money again to bribe. It worked, and he was able to do it the second time when he couldn't the first time. I think it helped him view the recital as not just this painful experience for no reason, but as a way to earn money. With that end goal to focus on, he was able to withstand the discomfort better. I am hoping these paid experiences teach him that these events are survivable and can turn into a source of pride. And of course he is also learning to regulate that overwhelming shyness.

Absolutely do not do this. Wow.

Lol wow your argument is so convincing. People only think that changing how someone talks about something will affect behavior. But they forget or maybe don't know that changing behavior also affects the the way someone thinks about something. For young children, incentivizing them to change their behavior absolutely works to normalize things for them. See Kazdin method. Plus, you have never in your life feared something and then once you did it, realized, that was not that bad? My kid is cautious, shy by nature and would not try many things left to his own devices, and yes it is absolutely my job as the parent to push him to realize that this discomfort is just a feeling he can choose to ignore, and that doing new things can be rewarding.

I just looked up the Kazdin method and I feel really sad for your child that you are equating his introvertedness and possibly even anxiety with defiance.

Thank God we can look to experts like you for advice, people who spent 5 seconds on one Google search.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use money or whatever currency she values, to bribe her. I have a son like this, super shy. We were at a holiday party and I told him I would give him money for each person he audibly said hi to. Start small and try to make it a game. He doesn't like greeting friends outside school. Same bribe. He didn't immediately go and say hi to gazillion people but he said hi to a couple and I think it slowly normalizes the experience and he knows it didn't kill him or anything.

This son also does an instrument that has recitals. I use money again to bribe. It worked, and he was able to do it the second time when he couldn't the first time. I think it helped him view the recital as not just this painful experience for no reason, but as a way to earn money. With that end goal to focus on, he was able to withstand the discomfort better. I am hoping these paid experiences teach him that these events are survivable and can turn into a source of pride. And of course he is also learning to regulate that overwhelming shyness.

Absolutely do not do this. Wow.

DP but my child has selective mutism and social anxiety and therapists use rewards systems all the time in exposure therapy. Maybe not physical money, but a token system that a child can exchange for prizes of their choice when they’ve successfully completed a little challenge like ordering food, saying hi to a new person, etc. it actually works really well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it's a shame that these hobbies are all centered upon demonstrating the skills in public instead of learning for its its own sake. It's fine that some like to perform and compete, but it's also fine to just enjoy the process of learning a craft without needing validation from others.

But this behavior is a symptom that she has severe social anxiety, and that anxiety needs to be dealt with, because if and when it gets out of control it can really mess up her life, and the best way to deal with social anxiety is to normalize getting out in front of an audience of people. I have had a kid with selective mutism, and this sort of exposure therapy has been enormously helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use money or whatever currency she values, to bribe her. I have a son like this, super shy. We were at a holiday party and I told him I would give him money for each person he audibly said hi to. Start small and try to make it a game. He doesn't like greeting friends outside school. Same bribe. He didn't immediately go and say hi to gazillion people but he said hi to a couple and I think it slowly normalizes the experience and he knows it didn't kill him or anything.

This son also does an instrument that has recitals. I use money again to bribe. It worked, and he was able to do it the second time when he couldn't the first time. I think it helped him view the recital as not just this painful experience for no reason, but as a way to earn money. With that end goal to focus on, he was able to withstand the discomfort better. I am hoping these paid experiences teach him that these events are survivable and can turn into a source of pride. And of course he is also learning to regulate that overwhelming shyness.

Absolutely do not do this. Wow.

DP but my child has selective mutism and social anxiety and therapists use rewards systems all the time in exposure therapy. Maybe not physical money, but a token system that a child can exchange for prizes of their choice when they’ve successfully completed a little challenge like ordering food, saying hi to a new person, etc. it actually works really well.

Maybe it's just the difference in language that you and PP using, but she specifically said bribe and that just really rubs me the wrong way. Maybe that PP is just not a native English speaker and I misunderstood what she was trying to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use money or whatever currency she values, to bribe her. I have a son like this, super shy. We were at a holiday party and I told him I would give him money for each person he audibly said hi to. Start small and try to make it a game. He doesn't like greeting friends outside school. Same bribe. He didn't immediately go and say hi to gazillion people but he said hi to a couple and I think it slowly normalizes the experience and he knows it didn't kill him or anything.

This son also does an instrument that has recitals. I use money again to bribe. It worked, and he was able to do it the second time when he couldn't the first time. I think it helped him view the recital as not just this painful experience for no reason, but as a way to earn money. With that end goal to focus on, he was able to withstand the discomfort better. I am hoping these paid experiences teach him that these events are survivable and can turn into a source of pride. And of course he is also learning to regulate that overwhelming shyness.

Absolutely do not do this. Wow.

Lol wow your argument is so convincing. People only think that changing how someone talks about something will affect behavior. But they forget or maybe don't know that changing behavior also affects the the way someone thinks about something. For young children, incentivizing them to change their behavior absolutely works to normalize things for them. See Kazdin method. Plus, you have never in your life feared something and then once you did it, realized, that was not that bad? My kid is cautious, shy by nature and would not try many things left to his own devices, and yes it is absolutely my job as the parent to push him to realize that this discomfort is just a feeling he can choose to ignore, and that doing new things can be rewarding.

I just looked up the Kazdin method and I feel really sad for your child that you are equating his introvertedness and possibly even anxiety with defiance.

No, i'm not. Kazdin method is simply a method of changing behavior through positive reinforcement. It's like the foot in the door phenomenon in psychology where the easiest way to get someone to do something big is to get them to take a small step (i'm sure i'm butchering this explanation). Anyways, it's just the idea that the best way to change behavior is to normalize the desired behavior, not just talking endlessly about how you can overcome shyness.

But sure, go see a therapist. that seems to be today's go to solution for everything. To me, that is sending the message there is something wrong with shyness and that you as a parent cannot help.

Obviously you think there is something wrong with shyness if you are recommending changing it!

Kazdin is a therapist and a therapy scholar!

I am not recommending changing it but controlling it. Just like I would recommend helping a shameless extrovert learn when to shut it.