How much to push my kid out of her comfort zone?

[Anonymous]

Push her. You're the parent and know what's best for her in the long run.

-- Mom of teens and young adults.

[Anonymous]

If she is introverted, then maybe borrow the book "Quiet" from the library and read it.

[Anonymous]

She's in 4th Grade
She doesn't want to be an outliner. Op, it's you and other adults who have an (un)ordinary view of what brings happiness to a 4th Grader.

[Anonymous]

Help her find things to do where she doesn't need to compete or she only competes against herself. There's no need to push her into competition. My kid finally told me he couldn't care less how he does in his sports tournaments. He enjoys making 3D models of buildings, houses, etc. It takes him months to create them. He also loves to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's in 4th Grade
She doesn't want to be an outliner. Op, it's you and other adults who have an (un)ordinary view of what brings happiness to a 4th Grader.

I really don't think this is a case of the OP wanting her child to be the next concert pianist. I think it's a concern (and a valid one) that unaddressed underlying anxiety will potentially have a negative impact on her child.

[Anonymous]

Cognitive behavioral therapy. And yes you should push. She shouldn’t be quitting activities she enjoys because of anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Why does she have to perform? She can opt out of recitals. No problem with her wanting to do things for herself because she’s interested in them. I’d nurture that. And simultaneously address the anxiety piece as needed.

[Anonymous]

Try rock collecting. There are shows to go to but she won't be competing.lots to learn about rocks and geology.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to do the right thing and get her evaluated by a professional. Yes, Zoom meetings work. It is no different than in person. They don’t need to physically touch her or anything so unsure why you think it won’t work. I am not a doctor but as a child I was always told that I was shy. As an adult, I finally got help and I was told I have extreme social anxiety. I had all the signs but I never got help as a child for it. Just from my perspective, do not push. Your focus should not be to push anything right now but instead, make sure her mental is good with therapy. If she has it, then they will give her and you the tools that you both need. People are going to be on here and treat anxiety like nothing, just like depression. It is easy for others that do not have anxiety or other mental illnesses to just “do it.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Use money or whatever currency she values, to bribe her. I have a son like this, super shy. We were at a holiday party and I told him I would give him money for each person he audibly said hi to. Start small and try to make it a game. He doesn't like greeting friends outside school. Same bribe. He didn't immediately go and say hi to gazillion people but he said hi to a couple and I think it slowly normalizes the experience and he knows it didn't kill him or anything.

This son also does an instrument that has recitals. I use money again to bribe. It worked, and he was able to do it the second time when he couldn't the first time. I think it helped him view the recital as not just this painful experience for no reason, but as a way to earn money. With that end goal to focus on, he was able to withstand the discomfort better. I am hoping these paid experiences teach him that these events are survivable and can turn into a source of pride. And of course he is also learning to regulate that overwhelming shyness.

Absolutely do not do this. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my daughter who has social anxiety. I have found understood.org to be a really helpful resource. We had her evaluated by a psychologist and worked with the school to get some 504 accommodations in place to help with some of what you are describing. It's definitely worth considering putting your child in therapy too. It's been helpful to have a plan of attack for things like the competitions you described.

For school: https://www.understood.org/en/articles/classroom-accommodations-for-anxiety

Me again, we found an available therapist through the Psychology Today directory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use money or whatever currency she values, to bribe her. I have a son like this, super shy. We were at a holiday party and I told him I would give him money for each person he audibly said hi to. Start small and try to make it a game. He doesn't like greeting friends outside school. Same bribe. He didn't immediately go and say hi to gazillion people but he said hi to a couple and I think it slowly normalizes the experience and he knows it didn't kill him or anything.

This son also does an instrument that has recitals. I use money again to bribe. It worked, and he was able to do it the second time when he couldn't the first time. I think it helped him view the recital as not just this painful experience for no reason, but as a way to earn money. With that end goal to focus on, he was able to withstand the discomfort better. I am hoping these paid experiences teach him that these events are survivable and can turn into a source of pride. And of course he is also learning to regulate that overwhelming shyness.

Absolutely do not do this. Wow.

Lol wow your argument is so convincing. People only think that changing how someone talks about something will affect behavior. But they forget or maybe don't know that changing behavior also affects the the way someone thinks about something. For young children, incentivizing them to change their behavior absolutely works to normalize things for them. See Kazdin method. Plus, you have never in your life feared something and then once you did it, realized, that was not that bad? My kid is cautious, shy by nature and would not try many things left to his own devices, and yes it is absolutely my job as the parent to push him to realize that this discomfort is just a feeling he can choose to ignore, and that doing new things can be rewarding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use money or whatever currency she values, to bribe her. I have a son like this, super shy. We were at a holiday party and I told him I would give him money for each person he audibly said hi to. Start small and try to make it a game. He doesn't like greeting friends outside school. Same bribe. He didn't immediately go and say hi to gazillion people but he said hi to a couple and I think it slowly normalizes the experience and he knows it didn't kill him or anything.

This son also does an instrument that has recitals. I use money again to bribe. It worked, and he was able to do it the second time when he couldn't the first time. I think it helped him view the recital as not just this painful experience for no reason, but as a way to earn money. With that end goal to focus on, he was able to withstand the discomfort better. I am hoping these paid experiences teach him that these events are survivable and can turn into a source of pride. And of course he is also learning to regulate that overwhelming shyness.

Absolutely do not do this. Wow.

Lol wow your argument is so convincing. People only think that changing how someone talks about something will affect behavior. But they forget or maybe don't know that changing behavior also affects the the way someone thinks about something. For young children, incentivizing them to change their behavior absolutely works to normalize things for them. See Kazdin method. Plus, you have never in your life feared something and then once you did it, realized, that was not that bad? My kid is cautious, shy by nature and would not try many things left to his own devices, and yes it is absolutely my job as the parent to push him to realize that this discomfort is just a feeling he can choose to ignore, and that doing new things can be rewarding.

So you're going to bribe him to do anything that is outside of his comfort zone...for how long? Can't wait until he's older and realizes he can bargain with you "hey. mom, I'm really scared to go live in the dorm next year, but I guess I'll try it if you give me $10K in spending money every semester."

Personally, I prefer to give my child the tools she needs to understand and help resolve some of what is causing her anxiety so that she can grow up and be able to solve her own problems and learn how to do things independently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use money or whatever currency she values, to bribe her. I have a son like this, super shy. We were at a holiday party and I told him I would give him money for each person he audibly said hi to. Start small and try to make it a game. He doesn't like greeting friends outside school. Same bribe. He didn't immediately go and say hi to gazillion people but he said hi to a couple and I think it slowly normalizes the experience and he knows it didn't kill him or anything.

This son also does an instrument that has recitals. I use money again to bribe. It worked, and he was able to do it the second time when he couldn't the first time. I think it helped him view the recital as not just this painful experience for no reason, but as a way to earn money. With that end goal to focus on, he was able to withstand the discomfort better. I am hoping these paid experiences teach him that these events are survivable and can turn into a source of pride. And of course he is also learning to regulate that overwhelming shyness.

Absolutely do not do this. Wow.

Lol wow your argument is so convincing. People only think that changing how someone talks about something will affect behavior. But they forget or maybe don't know that changing behavior also affects the the way someone thinks about something. For young children, incentivizing them to change their behavior absolutely works to normalize things for them. See Kazdin method. Plus, you have never in your life feared something and then once you did it, realized, that was not that bad? My kid is cautious, shy by nature and would not try many things left to his own devices, and yes it is absolutely my job as the parent to push him to realize that this discomfort is just a feeling he can choose to ignore, and that doing new things can be rewarding.

I just looked up the Kazdin method and I feel really sad for your child that you are equating his introvertedness and possibly even anxiety with defiance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start making her step out of her comfort zone in normalized settings. Ordering her own food at a restaurant for example. Sending her into the grocery store etc

I could have written this. My kid was so anxious about a new middle school among other things. We started with driving by it, then in the parking lot, etc. we worked with a therapist, this worked to get him from refusal to nervous and he loved the school.