How much to push my kid out of her comfort zone?

[Anonymous]

DD is in fourth grade. She has always been pretty shy, and dislikes being the center of attention, e.g., public speaking. When forced to (e.g., giving a class presentation), she ends up doing fine, and being fine afterward (not shook up or traumatized), but is never more amenable to doing it again. Also, she shies away from anything remotely competitive. I think it’s in part her shyness, and also not wanting to be judged or lose/be embarrassed about losing.

I’m concerned that her shyness/fear of competition is going to hold her back from doing things she enjoys and in life in general. For instance, she wanted to join the school choir. (I think she’s okay with choir because she’d be just one in a sea of many faces.) But when she heard that the choir participates in a competition once a year, she balked and said she didn’t want to join anymore. She loves to play the violin and lately has been talking about going to the local school of the arts. She has been putting in longer practices and I was really impressed by her dedication. When it came up that she would have to do performances if she attended this school, I could see the fear in her eyes, and she’s no longer sure she wants to attend.

DD will really enjoy a certain hobby, but when she reaches a level when competition or public performance comes up, she expresses anxiety and pushes back on doing these. Not coincidentally, her interest in said hobby dwindles, until she finally says “Mom, I just don’t like [hobby] anymore.”

I’m not trying to have my kid compete or perform publicly for accolades or bragging rights. It just makes me really sad to see her lose her passion for something because of her aversion to competing/performing. I’m afraid pushing her to compete/perform might make her hate a given hobby, but having her drop a hobby because she doesn’t want to compete/perform doesn’t seem any better. It also seems like a bad idea to let her make decisions out of fear.

[Anonymous]

This is so interesting. It sounds to me like anxiety. Has she exhibited other signs of this?

[Anonymous]

I would try to get her to do as many performances as possible to normalize it. Maybe start with a small family gathering, then a low key recital, but just keep doing it.

[Anonymous]

Could be anxiety. I would get her into counseling. It helped my anxious kid tremendously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so interesting. It sounds to me like anxiety. Has she exhibited other signs of this?

Yes, definitely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could be anxiety. I would get her into counseling. It helped my anxious kid tremendously.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I’ve been looking for a therapist on and off for a year now, but no luck. Almost all of the therapists I’ve contacted will accept new patients for Zoom only, and I question how well Zoom sessions would work for a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would try to get her to do as many performances as possible to normalize it. Maybe start with a small family gathering, then a low key recital, but just keep doing it.

I have suggested performing in low key settings such as for the grandparents, and she has refused, but maybe I will gently push for this this year. I know her new violin teacher will want her to perform in an end of year recital (it’s small) and it would be good to work towards this.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she can do the hobbies but not perform or compete. You can take violin lessons and not do recitals.

[Anonymous]

Start making her step out of her comfort zone in normalized settings. Ordering her own food at a restaurant for example. Sending her into the grocery store etc

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my daughter who has social anxiety. I have found understood.org to be a really helpful resource. We had her evaluated by a psychologist and worked with the school to get some 504 accommodations in place to help with some of what you are describing. It's definitely worth considering putting your child in therapy too. It's been helpful to have a plan of attack for things like the competitions you described.

For school: https://www.understood.org/en/articles/classroom-accommodations-for-anxiety

[Anonymous]

This absolutely does sound like social anxiety, and if you can look at it through that lens and talk to her about it, I think that will help. Look for books or YouTube videos about it to review with her. She needs to know if she does have it, and what concrete steps to take to manage it.

I was not a kid that would ever get up in front of the class, but was fine in a team setting, and I do get where she is coming from.

It’s important for her to have help challenging the anxious voice inside that is imagining terrible things that others are thinking about her and she needs to challenge the catastrophic thinking that can go on. She has to learn to talk back to it once she realizes what is going on in her brain.

It’s so important for kids to understand that there is a name for what they struggle with and that they are not just weird or somehow broken. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Use money or whatever currency she values, to bribe her. I have a son like this, super shy. We were at a holiday party and I told him I would give him money for each person he audibly said hi to. Start small and try to make it a game. He doesn't like greeting friends outside school. Same bribe. He didn't immediately go and say hi to gazillion people but he said hi to a couple and I think it slowly normalizes the experience and he knows it didn't kill him or anything.

This son also does an instrument that has recitals. I use money again to bribe. It worked, and he was able to do it the second time when he couldn't the first time. I think it helped him view the recital as not just this painful experience for no reason, but as a way to earn money. With that end goal to focus on, he was able to withstand the discomfort better. I am hoping these paid experiences teach him that these events are survivable and can turn into a source of pride. And of course he is also learning to regulate that overwhelming shyness.

[Anonymous]

I actually think it's a shame that these hobbies are all centered upon demonstrating the skills in public instead of learning for its its own sake. It's fine that some like to perform and compete, but it's also fine to just enjoy the process of learning a craft without needing validation from others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my daughter who has social anxiety. I have found understood.org to be a really helpful resource. We had her evaluated by a psychologist and worked with the school to get some 504 accommodations in place to help with some of what you are describing. It's definitely worth considering putting your child in therapy too. It's been helpful to have a plan of attack for things like the competitions you described.

For school: https://www.understood.org/en/articles/classroom-accommodations-for-anxiety

Please, please, please listen to the posters who are talking to you about anxiety. I know it is hard to find a therapist, I have been in that spot, but you need to make that your top priority.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't push. I would discuss being a risk taker and praise her when she does it. Little things to begin with. Like giving a presentation, when you know she hates it. She doesn't ever have to like it. I do public speaking for my job and dislike it.

Helping a child grow resilient is a long-game plan. So giving her the idea of positive learner attributes like taking risks (appropriate ones), is a great way to set her up for praise and success.

My post is outside of the discussion about anxiety, because it's not something I know much about. But I think those posters are helpful to suggest an evaluation. Juts in case she does have anxiety. Then there will be specific approaches to take to help her feel more confident and resilient.