Question for adult women with married brothers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel one side of my spouse's family - a parent and his stepparent - constantly blame me for things. Oh, he doesn't see us as much since he met you (indicating it is somehow my fault). Well, he lives in another state which he chose to do and has a demanding job now.

I also get constantly put down for not having kids and not liking to get shitfaced at every family gathering. I have learned to have boundaries.

What nasty jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you hold your brother’s wife accountable for his behavior? I’ve never had a close relationship with my SIL, and it’s fine—we’re very different and not close in age. But my husband has never put much effort into his relationship with his family—as a brother, uncle, or son—and I sometimes feel like I’m held responsible for that.

Like if he forgets to RSVP for a wedding, or doesn’t buy gifts for his nieces and nephews, or if he’s not visiting his mother very frequently, it seems to reflect more poorly on me than him, but I don’t know if I’m just imagining hard feelings.

No, but I find it odd that you will not also do those things as they are also your nieces and nephews and your MIL and you are included on the invitation. I look poorly on you for your own actions.

Do you look poorly on husbands who don’t do these things for their wives’ families?

I am a wife. When my sister’s daughter got married recently, it never would have occurred to my DH to take care of the RSVP and my sister never in a million years would have contacted him to ask about it. But in his family, it’s assumed that I’m in on these details, if not entirely responsible for them.

And it’s a tiny thing, absolutely, but the tiny things start to pile up. The expectations are so uneven.

Often it ends up not being tiny. My spouse and I come from large families and all the things I was expected to manage by both families while maintaining a stressful job that required a lot of overtime with an unhelpful spouse was miserable.It affected my career and of course none of his family cared.

When I dropped a lot of the family management my family understood while his family was furious. It was one of the first times I stood up for myself and it was a great learning experience. It was the first step in learning to look out for myself and speak up.

The posters who scold women who speak up or drop the rope need to STFU. Anyone who attempts to make someone feel bad for refusing to be a slave or minion to other adults desires are sick in the head and are entitled jerks.

[Anonymous]

This is one of those toxic inter generational things I hope I’ve broken for my daughter. It took a bit but my husband does all of this now. Well all of the stuff that happens and I simply exist outside of it. Likely people wish more happened or some things were different and they are aware that I could choose to be more involved and I am not. That’s fine, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I am entitled to not be bothered by it one bit.

I do help identify good weeks for visits and trips my in laws might like to join us on but that’s because I run our entire schedule. Also my kids love their cousins like crazy and helping keep those relationships alive is really important to me and to them. To me that is different than expecting me to go do shopping or cooking or whatever that my husband can do equally easily. I do expect him to do all the actual communication with his own family though.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely push my husband to see his mother more frequently. I believe in family and I wouldn’t accept him not respecting her that way. (This is of course assuming there is no history of abuse etc.) I think sometimes spouses need do encourage each other and remind them when they aren’t acting in their best versions of themselves. We are a team and help each other out with reminders and gentle criticism if needed. But no, I wouldn’t get mad as the sister in law!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we got married, H's stepmother gave me a three page list of birthdays and anniversaries for not just his sibs and parent/stepparent, but all of his aunts and uncles and cousins. Big Catholic families. I handed it to him in the car. He sends a card to his father and that is pretty much it.

That’s hilarious! Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you hold your brother’s wife accountable for his behavior? I’ve never had a close relationship with my SIL, and it’s fine—we’re very different and not close in age. But my husband has never put much effort into his relationship with his family—as a brother, uncle, or son—and I sometimes feel like I’m held responsible for that.

Like if he forgets to RSVP for a wedding, or doesn’t buy gifts for his nieces and nephews, or if he’s not visiting his mother very frequently, it seems to reflect more poorly on me than him, but I don’t know if I’m just imagining hard feelings.

No, but I find it odd that you will not also do those things as they are also your nieces and nephews and your MIL and you are included on the invitation. I look poorly on you for your own actions.

Do you look poorly on husbands who don’t do these things for their wives’ families?

I am a wife. When my sister’s daughter got married recently, it never would have occurred to my DH to take care of the RSVP and my sister never in a million years would have contacted him to ask about it. But in his family, it’s assumed that I’m in on these details, if not entirely responsible for them.

And it’s a tiny thing, absolutely, but the tiny things start to pile up. The expectations are so uneven.

You two need to communicate as a couple. The invite was addressed to the both of you. It’s not ok to not rsvp. If you both are dropping the ball on this, have a sit down and decide how you will handle the tasks going toward. Other people shouldn’t pay a price because you two don’t talk to each other about day to day to-do’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you hold your brother’s wife accountable for his behavior? I’ve never had a close relationship with my SIL, and it’s fine—we’re very different and not close in age. But my husband has never put much effort into his relationship with his family—as a brother, uncle, or son—and I sometimes feel like I’m held responsible for that.

Like if he forgets to RSVP for a wedding, or doesn’t buy gifts for his nieces and nephews, or if he’s not visiting his mother very frequently, it seems to reflect more poorly on me than him, but I don’t know if I’m just imagining hard feelings.

No, but I find it odd that you will not also do those things as they are also your nieces and nephews and your MIL and you are included on the invitation. I look poorly on you for your own actions.

Oh step off you stepford wife. Go clutch your nasty pearls elsewhere.

DP. No it is not being stepford wife to recognize that yes they are your family too. This is one of those hot debate topics on this board that has nothing to do with how couples divvy up household management, just whether you see his family and yours and vice versa, which I think in a healthy family yes you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you hold your brother’s wife accountable for his behavior? I’ve never had a close relationship with my SIL, and it’s fine—we’re very different and not close in age. But my husband has never put much effort into his relationship with his family—as a brother, uncle, or son—and I sometimes feel like I’m held responsible for that.

Like if he forgets to RSVP for a wedding, or doesn’t buy gifts for his nieces and nephews, or if he’s not visiting his mother very frequently, it seems to reflect more poorly on me than him, but I don’t know if I’m just imagining hard feelings.

I used to manage DHs relationship with his family. I don’t any more. He will call his mom but would never think to invite them for a holiday or anything. I just invite my family. If he wants his to join, he’s welcome to make the call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you hold your brother’s wife accountable for his behavior? I’ve never had a close relationship with my SIL, and it’s fine—we’re very different and not close in age. But my husband has never put much effort into his relationship with his family—as a brother, uncle, or son—and I sometimes feel like I’m held responsible for that.

Like if he forgets to RSVP for a wedding, or doesn’t buy gifts for his nieces and nephews, or if he’s not visiting his mother very frequently, it seems to reflect more poorly on me than him, but I don’t know if I’m just imagining hard feelings.

No, but I find it odd that you will not also do those things as they are also your nieces and nephews and your MIL and you are included on the invitation. I look poorly on you for your own actions.

Op: Do you blame the woman?
You: no
Also you: but you should be doing that stuff, so yes, it’s your fault

🙄🙄🙄

[Anonymous]

No, but often times my SIL tells us to send details of plans to both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you hold your brother’s wife accountable for his behavior? I’ve never had a close relationship with my SIL, and it’s fine—we’re very different and not close in age. But my husband has never put much effort into his relationship with his family—as a brother, uncle, or son—and I sometimes feel like I’m held responsible for that.

Like if he forgets to RSVP for a wedding, or doesn’t buy gifts for his nieces and nephews, or if he’s not visiting his mother very frequently, it seems to reflect more poorly on me than him, but I don’t know if I’m just imagining hard feelings.

No, but I find it odd that you will not also do those things as they are also your nieces and nephews and your MIL and you are included on the invitation. I look poorly on you for your own actions.

Oh step off you stepford wife. Go clutch your nasty pearls elsewhere.

DP. No it is not being stepford wife to recognize that yes they are your family too. This is one of those hot debate topics on this board that has nothing to do with how couples divvy up household management, just whether you see his family and yours and vice versa, which I think in a healthy family yes you do.

You can consider them family and still divvy up who’s responsible for tasks related to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would absolutely push my husband to see his mother more frequently. I believe in family and I wouldn’t accept him not respecting her that way. (This is of course assuming there is no history of abuse etc.) I think sometimes spouses need do encourage each other and remind them when they aren’t acting in their best versions of themselves. We are a team and help each other out with reminders and gentle criticism if needed. But no, I wouldn’t get mad as the sister in law!

Obviously ymmv, but I find it inappropriate to try and dictate or control my husbands relationship with his family. I’m not going to nag him and whine about HIS relationship with HIS family. We are a team, and it’s US against the world, not me against him.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you hold your brother’s wife accountable for his behavior? I’ve never had a close relationship with my SIL, and it’s fine—we’re very different and not close in age. But my husband has never put much effort into his relationship with his family—as a brother, uncle, or son—and I sometimes feel like I’m held responsible for that.

Like if he forgets to RSVP for a wedding, or doesn’t buy gifts for his nieces and nephews, or if he’s not visiting his mother very frequently, it seems to reflect more poorly on me than him, but I don’t know if I’m just imagining hard feelings.

No, but I find it odd that you will not also do those things as they are also your nieces and nephews and your MIL and you are included on the invitation. I look poorly on you for your own actions.

Do you look poorly on husbands who don’t do these things for their wives’ families?

I am a wife. When my sister’s daughter got married recently, it never would have occurred to my DH to take care of the RSVP and my sister never in a million years would have contacted him to ask about it. But in his family, it’s assumed that I’m in on these details, if not entirely responsible for them.

And it’s a tiny thing, absolutely, but the tiny things start to pile up. The expectations are so uneven.

You two need to communicate as a couple. The invite was addressed to the both of you. It’s not ok to not rsvp. If you both are dropping the ball on this, have a sit down and decide how you will handle the tasks going toward. Other people shouldn’t pay a price because you two don’t talk to each other about day to day to-do’s.

OP here. We definitely dropped the ball. No argument there. My point is that, if an RSVP is missed on my side of the family, the communication goes straight to me. My sister (or her husband) would never hold my husband accountable for it, even though his name would be on that invitation, too.

[Anonymous]

I have a SIL and never blame her for anything related to my brother. I have three sisters and we all appreciate and love our SIL, who is always kind, but often they are flaky about showing up and that’s okay.

On the flip side, my husband has two sisters and I feel very much blamed for everything bad and given hardly any credit for anything good. Examples include showing up to events and being nice - after many years of reliably showing up and being friendly, I was still criticized and treated poorly, so I have pulled back substantially and focused more on things that bring me and my husband joy. Another example is providing nice thoughtful gifts or giving my kids hand me downs to their cousins - after years of doing these things while being given the cold shoulder, I decided to mostly stop. My husband can handle the gifts and I give hand me downs to my lovely and appreciative long term cleaning lady for her grandkids. But the most important pull back for me has been no longer attending small and intimate gatherings with just his immediate family, which was hard to stop doing bc I didn’t want to disappoint his parents (who are lovely but allowed the shunning of me for 20 years and just pretended it didn’t happen). However, I’m a million times happier not having to hang out with my bullies every couple months to appease my in laws.

Bottom line, OP, is that I completely agree this phenomena exists where the wife is blamed for things unfairly, and much of it is rooted in either sexism (wife held responsible for all things social) or tribalism (blood relatives favored over in laws and outsiders not welcomed). It sucked for me and I put up with it for 20 yrs until I reached my limit and laid some new boundaries, and wow, has my quality of life improved!