Question for adult women with married brothers
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Anonymous
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Do you hold your brother’s wife accountable for his behavior? I’ve never had a close relationship with my SIL, and it’s fine—we’re very different and not close in age. But my husband has never put much effort into his relationship with his family—as a brother, uncle, or son—and I sometimes feel like I’m held responsible for that.
Like if he forgets to RSVP for a wedding, or doesn’t buy gifts for his nieces and nephews, or if he’s not visiting his mother very frequently, it seems to reflect more poorly on me than him, but I don’t know if I’m just imagining hard feelings. |
Anonymous
| No. He's his own person. |
Anonymous
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My brother is the same but I don’t feel in any way responsible. He spends much more time with SIL family, but she makes the effort to stay connected to her family.
My mother blames my brother’s distance on SIL, but I think it’s common. It’s called the “matrilineal advantage” https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/21/well/family/the-maternal-grandparent-advantage.html?unlocked_article_code=1.Hk8.t7Gx.yp1DhMLS2OIq&smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare |
Anonymous
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Absolutely not. My brother is a grown man.
To be honest the things that we fight about as adults are somewhat similar to what we fought about as kids. We still have a bit of that "big brother pokes little sister, little sister overreacts" dynamic even as grown ups. His relationship with our parents isn't my business and it's certainly not my sis in law's job to manage. We don't really focus on exchanging gifts much as we bith try to avoid stuff for stuff's sake and I don't expect my sis in law to do that. Things like RSVPing for weddings I would never expect her to handle. My brother and I come from a giant family and I don't expect her to know all our cousins and such. She has her own complicated family relationships to manage. |
Anonymous
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No, but if my sister-in-law and I want our children to know each other, I work with her to get together.
I have many sister-in-law’s by the way, and if they don’t want our kids to get together, I don’t hold her accountable to do that. Our kids just don’t know each other. |
Anonymous
| I don't think it "reflects poorly on you", or rather I think it absolutely should NOT reflect poorly on you...but the hard truth is women are generally driving forces when it comes to that stuff. So it's a lot harder with in-laws in general because it's not your family of origin yet you are expected to care and do: if you don't do it, the dh won't do it either, but what if you don't want to do it and don't do it? Honestly it's an endless issue for me and I don't feel good about it still after several decades. |
Anonymous
| Similar situation as you but I am too busy with managing our own lives/my family to deeply care. I feel a little bad at times though. |
Anonymous
| No. But when I was married to a jerk, his whole family would contact me when he would not respond or disappear. I ordered and delivered Mother’s Day gifts, niece/nephew birthday gifts, etc, fed and cared for his dying father, listened to his aunts woes, visited relatives in the hospital, coordinated family events. None of which were for my own family. Clearly they thought it was my job. |
Anonymous
| In healthy families people don't scapegoat, but in dysfunctional, it happens all the time to blame the spouse. The said, I would make sure my husband RSVPs to a wedding because I do not want to stress out a couple and I know how expensive it is. I stopped reminding with the cards and gifts, but his family was asking for handouts a lot and when he saw how they spent money on things we won't even buy he stopped rescuing and stopped gifts too he was so disgusted with the sob stories and manipulation. |
Anonymous
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No. He's a grown man. Also, I'm sure he was the same way prior to getting married. |
Anonymous
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no
i do think my sil influences my brother in certain ways - mostly good, sometimes not as good. but i would never hold her responsible for his behavior. luckily he and i have a good relationship despite neither of us being a perfect person - and i adore his wife, too, despite neither of us being a perfect person |
Anonymous
| No. I hold him responsible for his own actions. I don’t get along with my SIL at all, but at the end of the day it’s on him. It’s his family, not hers. |
Anonymous
No, absolutely not. His behavior is up to him only. However, I do not like my SIL and I do think she has a negative influence on my brother and on their kids, as well as on the rest of our family (my parents, me and my spouse, my kids, etc) and that wed be closer to my brother if he was married to someone who got along better w the rest of the family. My SIL makes no effort. I don’t expect her to do things my brother should do like accompanying our parents to drs appts or sending gifts to my kids or whatever. But I do wish my SIL would show some interest in our family and be nicer to us. |
Anonymous
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My son has ADHD and autism. I had to teach his little sister to not rush to do things for him - she was naturally ready to help him clean his room, defend him, carry his mental burden, etc. Now they're young adults and teens, and she has a solid handle of her role and his role in life. If ever either of them are in trouble, obviously they will help each other out. But the little ADHD issues that her brother encounters every day are NOT HER PROBLEM. This includes forgetting holidays and birthdays, and being late to nearly everything.
My daughter and I would never fault a spouse for the foibles of our relative. We've borne the brunt of how my son's brain works and we decline being responsible, despite my best parenting! |
Anonymous
| No. My brother is responsible for his own behavior. I text him when I need him, not my SIL. |