Question for adult women with married brothers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you hold your brother’s wife accountable for his behavior? I’ve never had a close relationship with my SIL, and it’s fine—we’re very different and not close in age. But my husband has never put much effort into his relationship with his family—as a brother, uncle, or son—and I sometimes feel like I’m held responsible for that.

Like if he forgets to RSVP for a wedding, or doesn’t buy gifts for his nieces and nephews, or if he’s not visiting his mother very frequently, it seems to reflect more poorly on me than him, but I don’t know if I’m just imagining hard feelings.

No, but I find it odd that you will not also do those things as they are also your nieces and nephews and your MIL and you are included on the invitation. I look poorly on you for your own actions.

[Anonymous]

When we got married, H's stepmother gave me a three page list of birthdays and anniversaries for not just his sibs and parent/stepparent, but all of his aunts and uncles and cousins. Big Catholic families. I handed it to him in the car. He sends a card to his father and that is pretty much it.

[Anonymous]

I feel one side of my spouse's family - a parent and his stepparent - constantly blame me for things. Oh, he doesn't see us as much since he met you (indicating it is somehow my fault). Well, he lives in another state which he chose to do and has a demanding job now.

I also get constantly put down for not having kids and not liking to get shitfaced at every family gathering. I have learned to have boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you hold your brother’s wife accountable for his behavior? I’ve never had a close relationship with my SIL, and it’s fine—we’re very different and not close in age. But my husband has never put much effort into his relationship with his family—as a brother, uncle, or son—and I sometimes feel like I’m held responsible for that.

Like if he forgets to RSVP for a wedding, or doesn’t buy gifts for his nieces and nephews, or if he’s not visiting his mother very frequently, it seems to reflect more poorly on me than him, but I don’t know if I’m just imagining hard feelings.

No, but I find it odd that you will not also do those things as they are also your nieces and nephews and your MIL and you are included on the invitation. I look poorly on you for your own actions.

Do you look poorly on husbands who don’t do these things for their wives’ families?

I am a wife. When my sister’s daughter got married recently, it never would have occurred to my DH to take care of the RSVP and my sister never in a million years would have contacted him to ask about it. But in his family, it’s assumed that I’m in on these details, if not entirely responsible for them.

And it’s a tiny thing, absolutely, but the tiny things start to pile up. The expectations are so uneven.

[Anonymous]

One of my brothers married a woman who likes to run everything, including him, She is very dominant and he is more passive. He seems to like that she wants to handle everything related to their own family and both extended families. She is extroverted and very pushy and gets involved in everything regardless of whether or not it has anything to do with her, he is introverted and happy to hide his head in the sand. She runs the house and all their lives and he happily lets her do so. I don't have many good things to say about either of them!

[Anonymous]

You're imagining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you hold your brother’s wife accountable for his behavior? I’ve never had a close relationship with my SIL, and it’s fine—we’re very different and not close in age. But my husband has never put much effort into his relationship with his family—as a brother, uncle, or son—and I sometimes feel like I’m held responsible for that.

Like if he forgets to RSVP for a wedding, or doesn’t buy gifts for his nieces and nephews, or if he’s not visiting his mother very frequently, it seems to reflect more poorly on me than him, but I don’t know if I’m just imagining hard feelings.

No. Mine is a doormat. Preacher’s daughter. Submissive as hell.

[Anonymous]

I like my sis in law fine, she's a nice person, but I'd never think to text her when setting stuff up with my family. Of course I'm going to just text my brother. Maybe if we were doing some kind of surprise present for my brother?

My husband probably handles more of that stuff in our house than I do. He does the Christmas cards, for instance and does the trip planning, including when we took my Dad along. But he's a logistics guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you hold your brother’s wife accountable for his behavior? I’ve never had a close relationship with my SIL, and it’s fine—we’re very different and not close in age. But my husband has never put much effort into his relationship with his family—as a brother, uncle, or son—and I sometimes feel like I’m held responsible for that.

Like if he forgets to RSVP for a wedding, or doesn’t buy gifts for his nieces and nephews, or if he’s not visiting his mother very frequently, it seems to reflect more poorly on me than him, but I don’t know if I’m just imagining hard feelings.

It I'd definitely not your responsibility. You are not his mom.

I have two married brothers, and they have their own families and responsibilities. They are not expected to go out of their way to plan family events. They do their best. My sister in law is strained or estranged with some relatives and my brother goes out of his way to make her happy while also meeting as many family obligations as they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you hold your brother’s wife accountable for his behavior? I’ve never had a close relationship with my SIL, and it’s fine—we’re very different and not close in age. But my husband has never put much effort into his relationship with his family—as a brother, uncle, or son—and I sometimes feel like I’m held responsible for that.

Like if he forgets to RSVP for a wedding, or doesn’t buy gifts for his nieces and nephews, or if he’s not visiting his mother very frequently, it seems to reflect more poorly on me than him, but I don’t know if I’m just imagining hard feelings.

I hold my brother accountable for things that you mention, but at the same time acknowledging SIL’s influence on him. My mother, OTOH, holds SIL responsible for every slight, perceived or otherwise, from them.

My FIL accused me of keeping my kids from visiting him and MIL, even though it was DH who resisted visiting them due to work and I was the one who ultimately made the visits happen. I told FIL this and he didn’t believe me.

Parents are much more likely to hold DIL responsible, often unfairly. I think (hope) siblings are more reasonable.

[Anonymous]

I’m the SIL in this equation..I have no brothers.

My DH has a rocky-ish and distant relationship with his family, and that was true before he ever met me.

His relationship with his family is on him.

However, it is also true that I probably could help improve things quite a bit- IF I wanted to. They have never particularly liked me, and made that clear earlier in the marriage, so I don’t. If they’d been nicer to me, I would.

I suspect this is probably the case for many…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother is the same but I don’t feel in any way responsible. He spends much more time with SIL family, but she makes the effort to stay connected to her family.

My mother blames my brother’s distance on SIL, but I think it’s common. It’s called the “matrilineal advantage”

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/21/well/famil...gSource=articleShare

OP here. Thanks for posting that link—I finally got around to reading it this morning. There’s definitely major matrilineal advantage going on in DH’s family. MIL, SIL, SIL’s daughters, and now SIL’s granddaughters are an impenetrable axis. I’ve always felt like an outsider and just stopped trying to play the game.

I went to the comments in the NYT article and saw that the number one reader pick is essentially asking/stating the same thing as my post, but in regards to the MIL relationship. Still, same idea.

“Once again... the focus is all on the daughter/daughter-in-law, and whether she is limiting access to the grandchildren. How about the SON? My in-laws are a bit nutty though generally well-meaning but I have enough to handle with navigating my own parents' emotional needs and wants. Why am I suddenly also solely responsible for my inlaws' needs? My husband can call them back, send the videos, arrange the visits, and if he fails to do this (which he generally does, often by design), why should this be a reflection on me?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. But when I was married to a jerk, his whole family would contact me when he would not respond or disappear. I ordered and delivered Mother’s Day gifts, niece/nephew birthday gifts, etc, fed and cared for his dying father, listened to his aunts woes, visited relatives in the hospital, coordinated family events. None of which were for my own family. Clearly they thought it was my job.

No. Clearly you thought it was your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it "reflects poorly on you", or rather I think it absolutely should NOT reflect poorly on you...but the hard truth is women are generally driving forces when it comes to that stuff. So it's a lot harder with in-laws in general because it's not your family of origin yet you are expected to care and do: if you don't do it, the dh won't do it either, but what if you don't want to do it and don't do it? Honestly it's an endless issue for me and I don't feel good about it still after several decades.

The hard truth you cite is simply sexism in action. Men are fully capable of managing this and we need to stop enabling their childish incompetence in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you hold your brother’s wife accountable for his behavior? I’ve never had a close relationship with my SIL, and it’s fine—we’re very different and not close in age. But my husband has never put much effort into his relationship with his family—as a brother, uncle, or son—and I sometimes feel like I’m held responsible for that.

Like if he forgets to RSVP for a wedding, or doesn’t buy gifts for his nieces and nephews, or if he’s not visiting his mother very frequently, it seems to reflect more poorly on me than him, but I don’t know if I’m just imagining hard feelings.

No, but I find it odd that you will not also do those things as they are also your nieces and nephews and your MIL and you are included on the invitation. I look poorly on you for your own actions.

Oh step off you stepford wife. Go clutch your nasty pearls elsewhere.