I’m done—drop rope without warning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is sort of like a three strikes, you’re out-type situation, only I don’t know how to proceed.

I realize I’ve been wrong in pushing my DH to be a “better” son to his mom who I now see isn’t a great mom. That was horrible of me. I should have seen the signs and not ignored my husband’s complacency, because it was telling me everything I needed to know.

I pushed DH to plan a brunch on Mother’s Day. When I asked if he had made plans already he shrugged and said “should I?” To which I encouraged him, and then MIL canceled. This happens quite often. My eyes are open now and I’m done.

Do I just stop suggesting? What happens when we don’t plan something and or show up empty handed (no gift, no hostess gift, etc, because DH didn’t put in the effort.) I will no longer be suggesting we attend things that I know my DH doesn’t want to attend, or conceive plans for events that he has otherwise ignored or forgotten, like Mother’s Day. I don’t even want to suggest (do you have plans, you should make plans, etc) because then I think he feels forced.

You fall on your knees and beg forgiveness from your husband. Until you do that, nothing else matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

Because it is stupid! Why are you buying gifts for someone you don’t like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you so dramatic about all of this? Take a cue from your husband and parents - you used the word complacent. Be complacent. Chill. Try not to care. They certainly don't.

1. You are not "horrible". You tried one approach, now you're trying another. Relax.

2. MIL cancelled, so what. Even if she has a history of cancelling at the last minute, it doesn't make her a bad person. It makes her a person that's hard to plan things with, which is different.

3. So you don't plan anything. You don't remind, suggest, etc. If there are no plans, that's fine. If somehow plans are made, why on earth would it be your job to think of a gift, or remind anyone else they need to bring one? Don't. The point is to enjoy the togetherness, that's all.

4. Dial the drama WAY DOWN, otherwise you're going to agonize all your life over quibbling little matters.

Pretty much this.

I'm a person that can't show up emptyhanded, but I would not be orchestrating H's gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not drop the rope, with warning? Tell your DH you now realize that his mom doesn't want to engage and you understand why he wasn't interested in celebrating her. In future, you won't be pushing him to connect with her.

This. 100%

[Anonymous]

The whole point is to drop the rope with no warning. It makes a statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not drop the rope, with warning? Tell your DH you now realize that his mom doesn't want to engage and you understand why he wasn't interested in celebrating her. In future, you won't be pushing him to connect with her.

Yes, this. Be sure to apologize to him for interfering and be 100% sincere. Keep it light and under 1 minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is sort of like a three strikes, you’re out-type situation, only I don’t know how to proceed.

I realize I’ve been wrong in pushing my DH to be a “better” son to his mom who I now see isn’t a great mom. That was horrible of me. I should have seen the signs and not ignored my husband’s complacency, because it was telling me everything I needed to know.

I pushed DH to plan a brunch on Mother’s Day. When I asked if he had made plans already he shrugged and said “should I?” To which I encouraged him, and then MIL canceled. This happens quite often. My eyes are open now and I’m done.

Do I just stop suggesting? What happens when we don’t plan something and or show up empty handed (no gift, no hostess gift, etc, because DH didn’t put in the effort.) I will no longer be suggesting we attend things that I know my DH doesn’t want to attend, or conceive plans for events that he has otherwise ignored or forgotten, like Mother’s Day. I don’t even want to suggest (do you have plans, you should make plans, etc) because then I think he feels forced.

You fall on your knees and beg forgiveness from your husband. Until you do that, nothing else matters.

Reading OP's post, I get the impression he couldn't care less. There is no forgiveness to beg. Just tell him you're sorry you made him uncomfortable by insisting on scheduling stuff and getting gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

I really don't get people like you.

Why do you do this? Do you care that much about projecting a certain image of your husband and yourself? It speaks to a certain vanity and social anxiety, don't you think? Please believe me: your in-laws knew their son before you did. They know he's not doing the work. They might not appreciate you changing the dynamic and inserting social make-work that they don't feel like reciprocating.

In other words... read the room.

NP but this is so true, and I don’t know why I do it, and I wish I did so I could just stop already. My DH gives .5%, so I give 50% so she doesn’t feel like an oversight, but the thing is, even though I know she knows it’s me—because as you said, she’s known him her whole life—she still expects more. I feel like a fool every time but don’t know how to stop, because now at this point, we all know it’s me, and that would look terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So learn how to accept some awkwardness. It sounds like neither wants you in the middle of their relationship.

Oh mil definitely wants gifts and attention and dh definitely does not want her to feel upset not to have those things. It's just that he is not making it a priority. But yes, I need to step back and let him deal.

I get that. I've asked DH a few times if he needs help with Mother's Day. He always declines because he somewhat resentfully gives her financial assistance as it is. He never gets her gifts for other holidays or remembers her birthday either. He only called on Mother's Day because after the kids and I got off the phone with my mom, they wanted to talk to their other grandma. I started buying her holiday gifts after my kids were old enough to notice I was doing it for my mom, and I didn't want them to read the situation wrong, so they usually make her a cute homemade holiday gift.

As a mom of boys, I don’t want to set the pattern that the maternal grandmother gets the attention and gifts and not the paternal one. I make sure my MIL gets the Mother’s Day brunch and flowers and phone call or whatever it is, not because I think it’s my job, but because I’m setting an example for my sons of how I want to be treated one day.

I do my best to make sure it’s not obvious that I’m the one doing it all and not my husband. The gifts appear with his signature and he knows in advance what they are etc, but I don’t let the kids see me buying them or prodding DH if that makes sense.

But if I left it up to my husband, who adores his mom and wants a relationship with her, she wouldn’t be acknowledged because he would drop the rope. I’m not willing to accept that because of my boys - but you may choose differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So learn how to accept some awkwardness. It sounds like neither wants you in the middle of their relationship.

Oh mil definitely wants gifts and attention and dh definitely does not want her to feel upset not to have those things. It's just that he is not making it a priority. But yes, I need to step back and let him deal.

I get that. I've asked DH a few times if he needs help with Mother's Day. He always declines because he somewhat resentfully gives her financial assistance as it is. He never gets her gifts for other holidays or remembers her birthday either. He only called on Mother's Day because after the kids and I got off the phone with my mom, they wanted to talk to their other grandma. I started buying her holiday gifts after my kids were old enough to notice I was doing it for my mom, and I didn't want them to read the situation wrong, so they usually make her a cute homemade holiday gift.

As a mom of boys, I don’t want to set the pattern that the maternal grandmother gets the attention and gifts and not the paternal one. I make sure my MIL gets the Mother’s Day brunch and flowers and phone call or whatever it is, not because I think it’s my job, but because I’m setting an example for my sons of how I want to be treated one day.

I do my best to make sure it’s not obvious that I’m the one doing it all and not my husband. The gifts appear with his signature and he knows in advance what they are etc, but I don’t let the kids see me buying them or prodding DH if that makes sense.

But if I left it up to my husband, who adores his mom and wants a relationship with her, she wouldn’t be acknowledged because he would drop the rope. I’m not willing to accept that because of my boys - but you may choose differently.

You are only showing them that their wives will take care of it.

Your HUSBAND should be modeling this for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole point is to drop the rope with no warning. It makes a statement.

I feel like this a less of a drop the rope post and more of a “I’ve learned to respect my spouse’s boundaries with his mother.”

Not really the same thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So learn how to accept some awkwardness. It sounds like neither wants you in the middle of their relationship.

Oh mil definitely wants gifts and attention and dh definitely does not want her to feel upset not to have those things. It's just that he is not making it a priority. But yes, I need to step back and let him deal.

I get that. I've asked DH a few times if he needs help with Mother's Day. He always declines because he somewhat resentfully gives her financial assistance as it is. He never gets her gifts for other holidays or remembers her birthday either. He only called on Mother's Day because after the kids and I got off the phone with my mom, they wanted to talk to their other grandma. I started buying her holiday gifts after my kids were old enough to notice I was doing it for my mom, and I didn't want them to read the situation wrong, so they usually make her a cute homemade holiday gift.

As a mom of boys, I don’t want to set the pattern that the maternal grandmother gets the attention and gifts and not the paternal one. I make sure my MIL gets the Mother’s Day brunch and flowers and phone call or whatever it is, not because I think it’s my job, but because I’m setting an example for my sons of how I want to be treated one day.

I do my best to make sure it’s not obvious that I’m the one doing it all and not my husband. The gifts appear with his signature and he knows in advance what they are etc, but I don’t let the kids see me buying them or prodding DH if that makes sense.

But if I left it up to my husband, who adores his mom and wants a relationship with her, she wouldn’t be acknowledged because he would drop the rope. I’m not willing to accept that because of my boys - but you may choose differently.

Wow—so you’re raising your boys to think this is a woman’s job. Why not get their father do do all of this with them? I get he’ll drop the rope, but that’s on him. You are not his mother. Surely he doesn’t get away with this behavior at work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So learn how to accept some awkwardness. It sounds like neither wants you in the middle of their relationship.

Oh mil definitely wants gifts and attention and dh definitely does not want her to feel upset not to have those things. It's just that he is not making it a priority. But yes, I need to step back and let him deal.

Have you considered that parents want their children to genuinely think of those things by themselves? I have a young adult son with high-functioning autism and ADHD. Occasionally he remembers various occasions and buys a little gift. Often he forgets. That's fine. I would hate it if a future DIL thought of all these things for him and claimed it was a gift from both of them. It would cheapen what should be a moment of sincerity. I would rather not get anything at all. I love my son no matter what, even if he forgets every single holiday. My kids don't need to pretend with me. Not that I'm expecting this son of mine to get married, to be honest!

My mother in law is the queen of letting herself think her son arranged the dinner or picked out the flowers. I honestly don’t think she cares that it’s me behind it all. It was expected in those generations anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So learn how to accept some awkwardness. It sounds like neither wants you in the middle of their relationship.

Oh mil definitely wants gifts and attention and dh definitely does not want her to feel upset not to have those things. It's just that he is not making it a priority. But yes, I need to step back and let him deal.

I get that. I've asked DH a few times if he needs help with Mother's Day. He always declines because he somewhat resentfully gives her financial assistance as it is. He never gets her gifts for other holidays or remembers her birthday either. He only called on Mother's Day because after the kids and I got off the phone with my mom, they wanted to talk to their other grandma. I started buying her holiday gifts after my kids were old enough to notice I was doing it for my mom, and I didn't want them to read the situation wrong, so they usually make her a cute homemade holiday gift.

As a mom of boys, I don’t want to set the pattern that the maternal grandmother gets the attention and gifts and not the paternal one. I make sure my MIL gets the Mother’s Day brunch and flowers and phone call or whatever it is, not because I think it’s my job, but because I’m setting an example for my sons of how I want to be treated one day.

I do my best to make sure it’s not obvious that I’m the one doing it all and not my husband. The gifts appear with his signature and he knows in advance what they are etc, but I don’t let the kids see me buying them or prodding DH if that makes sense.

But if I left it up to my husband, who adores his mom and wants a relationship with her, she wouldn’t be acknowledged because he would drop the rope. I’m not willing to accept that because of my boys - but you may choose differently.

You are only showing them that their wives will take care of it.

Your HUSBAND should be modeling this for them.

He *is* modeling because he shows up at the dinner and presents the flowers and signs the cards and hugs his mom and says happy birthday or whatever, all in front of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So learn how to accept some awkwardness. It sounds like neither wants you in the middle of their relationship.

Oh mil definitely wants gifts and attention and dh definitely does not want her to feel upset not to have those things. It's just that he is not making it a priority. But yes, I need to step back and let him deal.

I get that. I've asked DH a few times if he needs help with Mother's Day. He always declines because he somewhat resentfully gives her financial assistance as it is. He never gets her gifts for other holidays or remembers her birthday either. He only called on Mother's Day because after the kids and I got off the phone with my mom, they wanted to talk to their other grandma. I started buying her holiday gifts after my kids were old enough to notice I was doing it for my mom, and I didn't want them to read the situation wrong, so they usually make her a cute homemade holiday gift.

As a mom of boys, I don’t want to set the pattern that the maternal grandmother gets the attention and gifts and not the paternal one. I make sure my MIL gets the Mother’s Day brunch and flowers and phone call or whatever it is, not because I think it’s my job, but because I’m setting an example for my sons of how I want to be treated one day.

I do my best to make sure it’s not obvious that I’m the one doing it all and not my husband. The gifts appear with his signature and he knows in advance what they are etc, but I don’t let the kids see me buying them or prodding DH if that makes sense.

But if I left it up to my husband, who adores his mom and wants a relationship with her, she wouldn’t be acknowledged because he would drop the rope. I’m not willing to accept that because of my boys - but you may choose differently.

Wow—so you’re raising your boys to think this is a woman’s job. Why not get their father do do all of this with them? I get he’ll drop the rope, but that’s on him. You are not his mother. Surely he doesn’t get away with this behavior at work?

They have no idea who is selecting the gifts and making the reservations so no.

If I could get dad to do all those things in front of them I wouldn’t be doing it in the first place, now would I?

If I didn’t have kids, I would drop the rope. But for my goal of setting an example for my kids, that doesn’t work.