I’m done—drop rope without warning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So learn how to accept some awkwardness. It sounds like neither wants you in the middle of their relationship.

Oh mil definitely wants gifts and attention and dh definitely does not want her to feel upset not to have those things. It's just that he is not making it a priority. But yes, I need to step back and let him deal.

I get that. I've asked DH a few times if he needs help with Mother's Day. He always declines because he somewhat resentfully gives her financial assistance as it is. He never gets her gifts for other holidays or remembers her birthday either. He only called on Mother's Day because after the kids and I got off the phone with my mom, they wanted to talk to their other grandma. I started buying her holiday gifts after my kids were old enough to notice I was doing it for my mom, and I didn't want them to read the situation wrong, so they usually make her a cute homemade holiday gift.

As a mom of boys, I don’t want to set the pattern that the maternal grandmother gets the attention and gifts and not the paternal one. I make sure my MIL gets the Mother’s Day brunch and flowers and phone call or whatever it is, not because I think it’s my job, but because I’m setting an example for my sons of how I want to be treated one day.

I do my best to make sure it’s not obvious that I’m the one doing it all and not my husband. The gifts appear with his signature and he knows in advance what they are etc, but I don’t let the kids see me buying them or prodding DH if that makes sense.

But if I left it up to my husband, who adores his mom and wants a relationship with her, she wouldn’t be acknowledged because he would drop the rope. I’m not willing to accept that because of my boys - but you may choose differently.

You are only showing them that their wives will take care of it.

Your HUSBAND should be modeling this for them.

Your method is worse, because the husband does nothing and THAT is what is being modeled!

[Anonymous]

Start by apologizing to your husband. Tell him you get it, his mom is who she is, and you are not going to be trying to finagle him into doing things with or for her anymore.

That’s really all that is needed here and then you are done.

However, I predict that you have a hard time being done and will find some way to complicate this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So learn how to accept some awkwardness. It sounds like neither wants you in the middle of their relationship.

Oh mil definitely wants gifts and attention and dh definitely does not want her to feel upset not to have those things. It's just that he is not making it a priority. But yes, I need to step back and let him deal.

I get that. I've asked DH a few times if he needs help with Mother's Day. He always declines because he somewhat resentfully gives her financial assistance as it is. He never gets her gifts for other holidays or remembers her birthday either. He only called on Mother's Day because after the kids and I got off the phone with my mom, they wanted to talk to their other grandma. I started buying her holiday gifts after my kids were old enough to notice I was doing it for my mom, and I didn't want them to read the situation wrong, so they usually make her a cute homemade holiday gift.

As a mom of boys, I don’t want to set the pattern that the maternal grandmother gets the attention and gifts and not the paternal one. I make sure my MIL gets the Mother’s Day brunch and flowers and phone call or whatever it is, not because I think it’s my job, but because I’m setting an example for my sons of how I want to be treated one day.

I do my best to make sure it’s not obvious that I’m the one doing it all and not my husband. The gifts appear with his signature and he knows in advance what they are etc, but I don’t let the kids see me buying them or prodding DH if that makes sense.

But if I left it up to my husband, who adores his mom and wants a relationship with her, she wouldn’t be acknowledged because he would drop the rope. I’m not willing to accept that because of my boys - but you may choose differently.

You are only showing them that their wives will take care of it.

Your HUSBAND should be modeling this for them.

He *is* modeling because he shows up at the dinner and presents the flowers and signs the cards and hugs his mom and says happy birthday or whatever, all in front of them.

You’re only kidding yourself, OP. They know who does the shopping, and if they don’t, they will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So learn how to accept some awkwardness. It sounds like neither wants you in the middle of their relationship.

Oh mil definitely wants gifts and attention and dh definitely does not want her to feel upset not to have those things. It's just that he is not making it a priority. But yes, I need to step back and let him deal.

I get that. I've asked DH a few times if he needs help with Mother's Day. He always declines because he somewhat resentfully gives her financial assistance as it is. He never gets her gifts for other holidays or remembers her birthday either. He only called on Mother's Day because after the kids and I got off the phone with my mom, they wanted to talk to their other grandma. I started buying her holiday gifts after my kids were old enough to notice I was doing it for my mom, and I didn't want them to read the situation wrong, so they usually make her a cute homemade holiday gift.

As a mom of boys, I don’t want to set the pattern that the maternal grandmother gets the attention and gifts and not the paternal one. I make sure my MIL gets the Mother’s Day brunch and flowers and phone call or whatever it is, not because I think it’s my job, but because I’m setting an example for my sons of how I want to be treated one day.

I do my best to make sure it’s not obvious that I’m the one doing it all and not my husband. The gifts appear with his signature and he knows in advance what they are etc, but I don’t let the kids see me buying them or prodding DH if that makes sense.

But if I left it up to my husband, who adores his mom and wants a relationship with her, she wouldn’t be acknowledged because he would drop the rope. I’m not willing to accept that because of my boys - but you may choose differently.

You are only showing them that their wives will take care of it.

Your HUSBAND should be modeling this for them.

He *is* modeling because he shows up at the dinner and presents the flowers and signs the cards and hugs his mom and says happy birthday or whatever, all in front of them.

You’re only kidding yourself, OP. They know who does the shopping, and if they don’t, they will.

That’s ridiculous. No, they don’t know who is calling up a restaurant or buying something online. They aren’t mind readers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start by apologizing to your husband. Tell him you get it, his mom is who she is, and you are not going to be trying to finagle him into doing things with or for her anymore.

That’s really all that is needed here and then you are done.

However, I predict that you have a hard time being done and will find some way to complicate this.

You don’t need to badmouth the mom just because she canceled. Just let him know you’ll respect his boundary moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So learn how to accept some awkwardness. It sounds like neither wants you in the middle of their relationship.

Oh mil definitely wants gifts and attention and dh definitely does not want her to feel upset not to have those things. It's just that he is not making it a priority. But yes, I need to step back and let him deal.

I get that. I've asked DH a few times if he needs help with Mother's Day. He always declines because he somewhat resentfully gives her financial assistance as it is. He never gets her gifts for other holidays or remembers her birthday either. He only called on Mother's Day because after the kids and I got off the phone with my mom, they wanted to talk to their other grandma. I started buying her holiday gifts after my kids were old enough to notice I was doing it for my mom, and I didn't want them to read the situation wrong, so they usually make her a cute homemade holiday gift.

As a mom of boys, I don’t want to set the pattern that the maternal grandmother gets the attention and gifts and not the paternal one. I make sure my MIL gets the Mother’s Day brunch and flowers and phone call or whatever it is, not because I think it’s my job, but because I’m setting an example for my sons of how I want to be treated one day.

I do my best to make sure it’s not obvious that I’m the one doing it all and not my husband. The gifts appear with his signature and he knows in advance what they are etc, but I don’t let the kids see me buying them or prodding DH if that makes sense.

But if I left it up to my husband, who adores his mom and wants a relationship with her, she wouldn’t be acknowledged because he would drop the rope. I’m not willing to accept that because of my boys - but you may choose differently.

You are only showing them that their wives will take care of it.

Your HUSBAND should be modeling this for them.

He *is* modeling because he shows up at the dinner and presents the flowers and signs the cards and hugs his mom and says happy birthday or whatever, all in front of them.

You’re only kidding yourself, OP. They know who does the shopping, and if they don’t, they will.

That’s ridiculous. No, they don’t know who is calling up a restaurant or buying something online. They aren’t mind readers.

Ok, OP. Live in delusion, that’s fine, but do your future daughter’s in law a solid and at least try to give them some credit when your precious sons fail like their father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I realize I’ve been wrong in pushing my DH to be a “better” son to his mom who I now see isn’t a great mom. That was horrible of me. I should have seen the signs and not ignored my husband’s complacency, because it was telling me everything I needed to know.

Why do you think you're horrible? Because you can't read your husband's mind? IMO, if he had a problem with his mom, and you were pushing him, instead of being complacent, he should have opened his mouth and told you why. This should not be a guessing game.

Honestly, I don't see the problem here. Stop pushing your husband; let him deal with whatever fallout there is. He doesn't seem to care either way.

[Anonymous]

I dropped the rope and I'm so glad I did. No need to warn anyone. The MIL will figure out that she's getting less attention and time with grandkids (in my case), but she'll never know why, and that's fine. In my case I realized I had been really making an effort to nurture a relationship between her and her grandkids that she didn't have the emotional endurance to maintain. Also, she's mean to me. Over and over again. So, rope dropped. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are *still* allowing all of this to matter too much to you. The *how* you do this, and thinking it's about your role. Stop. The point is: you don't have a role.

This.