I’m done—drop rope without warning?

[Anonymous]

This is sort of like a three strikes, you’re out-type situation, only I don’t know how to proceed.

I realize I’ve been wrong in pushing my DH to be a “better” son to his mom who I now see isn’t a great mom. That was horrible of me. I should have seen the signs and not ignored my husband’s complacency, because it was telling me everything I needed to know.

I pushed DH to plan a brunch on Mother’s Day. When I asked if he had made plans already he shrugged and said “should I?” To which I encouraged him, and then MIL canceled. This happens quite often. My eyes are open now and I’m done.

Do I just stop suggesting? What happens when we don’t plan something and or show up empty handed (no gift, no hostess gift, etc, because DH didn’t put in the effort.) I will no longer be suggesting we attend things that I know my DH doesn’t want to attend, or conceive plans for events that he has otherwise ignored or forgotten, like Mother’s Day. I don’t even want to suggest (do you have plans, you should make plans, etc) because then I think he feels forced.

[Anonymous]

Why not drop the rope, with warning? Tell your DH you now realize that his mom doesn't want to engage and you understand why he wasn't interested in celebrating her. In future, you won't be pushing him to connect with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not drop the rope, with warning? Tell your DH you now realize that his mom doesn't want to engage and you understand why he wasn't interested in celebrating her. In future, you won't be pushing him to connect with her.

I agree with warning DH. But I think (and you probably agree PP) there's no need for her to say anything to MIL. DH can if he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not drop the rope, with warning? Tell your DH you now realize that his mom doesn't want to engage and you understand why he wasn't interested in celebrating her. In future, you won't be pushing him to connect with her.

This works too, I just didn’t know if this would be perceived like a weird punishment (for her) of some kind?

[Anonymous]

You just stop suggesting, and you show up empty-handed. I never picked up the rope. DH had plenty of time as an adult before we met to set the tone of his relationship with his parents. So I never even picked it up to begin with. In your case, just stop and permit yourself to disengage with the consequences. Unless he affirmatively asks you for help on something, do nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just stop suggesting, and you show up empty-handed. I never picked up the rope. DH had plenty of time as an adult before we met to set the tone of his relationship with his parents. So I never even picked it up to begin with. In your case, just stop and permit yourself to disengage with the consequences. Unless he affirmatively asks you for help on something, do nothing.

The SIL Mother’s Day thread is what prompted me posting this. I just imagine if we suddenly show up empty handed, or if plans aren’t initiated, I will be the one getting the blame, even though it was always me planning it all. I guess it doesn’t matter, but I just want it received well by DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not drop the rope, with warning? Tell your DH you now realize that his mom doesn't want to engage and you understand why he wasn't interested in celebrating her. In future, you won't be pushing him to connect with her.

This works too, I just didn’t know if this would be perceived like a weird punishment (for her) of some kind?

Effectively dropping the rope requires you to stop worrying about perception. Just drop the rope - no announcement needed. Do nothing, say nothing, worry about nothing. If either of them wants your help with something, they will ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just stop suggesting, and you show up empty-handed. I never picked up the rope. DH had plenty of time as an adult before we met to set the tone of his relationship with his parents. So I never even picked it up to begin with. In your case, just stop and permit yourself to disengage with the consequences. Unless he affirmatively asks you for help on something, do nothing.

The SIL Mother’s Day thread is what prompted me posting this. I just imagine if we suddenly show up empty handed, or if plans aren’t initiated, I will be the one getting the blame, even though it was always me planning it all. I guess it doesn’t matter, but I just want it received well by DH.

He won’t notice that you’re not suggesting plans with his mother that he didn’t even care enough to make in the first place.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are *still* allowing all of this to matter too much to you. The *how* you do this, and thinking it's about your role. Stop. The point is: you don't have a role.

[Anonymous]

He will not notice, it's you who is worried about what others will say. So it's up to you. You can also just not show up at all, instead of showing up empty-handed. What happens is that initially you may be blamed, or maybe not, depends on how the dynamic has been. In the long run everybody will stop expecting you to do anything and will disengage. That's what usually happens in relationships where one counterpart drops the rope.

[Anonymous]

You have to stop caring. I sense you still care or want a reaction or something. Dropping the rope means dropping the whole thing. The doing and the caring and the looking for a reaction. You have to let go of all of it.

I get it. I was clueless and encouraged my dh to have a relationship with his mom. In the end I was shocked at her cruelty. I had to let it all go. Whatever relationship he has with her is up to him and him alone. He called her on Mother’s Day and had the kids say hi. That’s enough for both of them. I’m completely out of it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to stop caring. I sense you still care or want a reaction or something. Dropping the rope means dropping the whole thing. The doing and the caring and the looking for a reaction. You have to let go of all of it.

I get it. I was clueless and encouraged my dh to have a relationship with his mom. In the end I was shocked at her cruelty. I had to let it all go. Whatever relationship he has with her is up to him and him alone. He called her on Mother’s Day and had the kids say hi. That’s enough for both of them. I’m completely out of it now.

This. Don’t expect any grand revelations about how amazing a DIL you were all along. The SIL thread is proof that you will be blamed no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Shouldn't you be talking to your husband about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is sort of like a three strikes, you’re out-type situation, only I don’t know how to proceed.

I realize I’ve been wrong in pushing my DH to be a “better” son to his mom who I now see isn’t a great mom. That was horrible of me. I should have seen the signs and not ignored my husband’s complacency, because it was telling me everything I needed to know.

I pushed DH to plan a brunch on Mother’s Day. When I asked if he had made plans already he shrugged and said “should I?” To which I encouraged him, and then MIL canceled. This happens quite often. My eyes are open now and I’m done.

Do I just stop suggesting? What happens when we don’t plan something and or show up empty handed (no gift, no hostess gift, etc, because DH didn’t put in the effort.) I will no longer be suggesting we attend things that I know my DH doesn’t want to attend, or conceive plans for events that he has otherwise ignored or forgotten, like Mother’s Day. I don’t even want to suggest (do you have plans, you should make plans, etc) because then I think he feels forced.

Yes. You stop suggesting. You show up empty handed or whatever. You absolutely don't force normal rules of politeness in a family where they don't play by the rules. You take your cue from your husband and play by the rules his rude mother set for their family tone. Otherwise you are going to be left totally frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Stop the drama and do it yourself to set a good example for your kids.