I’m done—drop rope without warning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shouldn't you be talking to your husband about this?

Well, how can she justify it if she does not post it here? She is an ungracious b itchy person and there are better ways to handle these sort of things while still being polite and warm. The problem is that people like OP are not satisfied if they quietly and graciously withdraw. They have to shit on things and smear it around.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need to increase your tolerance for social awkwardness. It is fine to show up empty handed if that's what your DH wants to do. Just let the awkwardness roll over you and it will fade away.

In marriage, you need to realize that the manners and social norms of your family of origin are one culture, and you may have married into a family with different norms and that's okay. Not everyone is into gifts, or greeting cards, or whatever. Accept that it's his family and being empty-handed is perfectly fine and not rude. Stop trying to do your culture. When in Rome, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just stop suggesting, and you show up empty-handed. I never picked up the rope. DH had plenty of time as an adult before we met to set the tone of his relationship with his parents. So I never even picked it up to begin with. In your case, just stop and permit yourself to disengage with the consequences. Unless he affirmatively asks you for help on something, do nothing.

The SIL Mother’s Day thread is what prompted me posting this. I just imagine if we suddenly show up empty handed, or if plans aren’t initiated, I will be the one getting the blame, even though it was always me planning it all. I guess it doesn’t matter, but I just want it received well by DH.

You need to be fine with their reaction, whatever it is. That is what it means to drop the rope. If they complain, direct them to your DH. Every single time.

You are dealing with crazy dysfunctional people here, and the only solution is for you to grow a thicker skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you need to increase your tolerance for social awkwardness. It is fine to show up empty handed if that's what your DH wants to do. Just let the awkwardness roll over you and it will fade away.

In marriage, you need to realize that the manners and social norms of your family of origin are one culture, and you may have married into a family with different norms and that's okay. Not everyone is into gifts, or greeting cards, or whatever. Accept that it's his family and being empty-handed is perfectly fine and not rude. Stop trying to do your culture. When in Rome, right?

NP-Yes, the idea of receiving guests and having paper plates horrifies me. I was raised setting a beautiful table with flowers, silverware. It took me 20 years but last week I served on paper plates. My mil was thrilled about the paper plates and commented it's so much better.

[Anonymous]

Why are you so dramatic about all of this? Take a cue from your husband and parents - you used the word complacent. Be complacent. Chill. Try not to care. They certainly don't.

1. You are not "horrible". You tried one approach, now you're trying another. Relax.

2. MIL cancelled, so what. Even if she has a history of cancelling at the last minute, it doesn't make her a bad person. It makes her a person that's hard to plan things with, which is different.

3. So you don't plan anything. You don't remind, suggest, etc. If there are no plans, that's fine. If somehow plans are made, why on earth would it be your job to think of a gift, or remind anyone else they need to bring one? Don't. The point is to enjoy the togetherness, that's all.

4. Dial the drama WAY DOWN, otherwise you're going to agonize all your life over quibbling little matters.

[Anonymous]

I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So learn how to accept some awkwardness. It sounds like neither wants you in the middle of their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So learn how to accept some awkwardness. It sounds like neither wants you in the middle of their relationship.

Oh mil definitely wants gifts and attention and dh definitely does not want her to feel upset not to have those things. It's just that he is not making it a priority. But yes, I need to step back and let him deal.

[Anonymous]

Some people do not want a relationship with their Parents. Why are you forcing one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So why did you do it? Why do you make a person do something they don't care about, for a third person who also doesn't care and who doesn't like you?

You're the only one who cares!! You and Homegoods, which is delighted to have your $30.

I truly do not understand. Please make it make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So learn how to accept some awkwardness. It sounds like neither wants you in the middle of their relationship.

Oh mil definitely wants gifts and attention and dh definitely does not want her to feel upset not to have those things. It's just that he is not making it a priority. But yes, I need to step back and let him deal.

I get that. I've asked DH a few times if he needs help with Mother's Day. He always declines because he somewhat resentfully gives her financial assistance as it is. He never gets her gifts for other holidays or remembers her birthday either. He only called on Mother's Day because after the kids and I got off the phone with my mom, they wanted to talk to their other grandma. I started buying her holiday gifts after my kids were old enough to notice I was doing it for my mom, and I didn't want them to read the situation wrong, so they usually make her a cute homemade holiday gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not drop the rope, with warning? Tell your DH you now realize that his mom doesn't want to engage and you understand why he wasn't interested in celebrating her. In future, you won't be pushing him to connect with her.

This OP. It sounds like your DH knows his mom. Let him know you won't be pushing him anymore (thankfully!) and that he will need to let you know if he wants his mom included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So learn how to accept some awkwardness. It sounds like neither wants you in the middle of their relationship.

Oh mil definitely wants gifts and attention and dh definitely does not want her to feel upset not to have those things. It's just that he is not making it a priority. But yes, I need to step back and let him deal.

Stop trying to rescue him and get from his laziness and dysfunction. Let him experience the consequences of his choices. Let her experience the son she raised. It's fine. If she thinks she can pout and hassle him into gift-giving, let her try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

I really don't get people like you.

Why do you do this? Do you care that much about projecting a certain image of your husband and yourself? It speaks to a certain vanity and social anxiety, don't you think? Please believe me: your in-laws knew their son before you did. They know he's not doing the work. They might not appreciate you changing the dynamic and inserting social make-work that they don't feel like reciprocating.

In other words... read the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same situation. My dh is notoriously awful about planning and gifts. So I often just do it for him, which I resent as I do not like his mom. I am trying to not do this anymore, but I do hate awkwardness. This time I went to a store with him to pick a gift. Still, I had to remind him and go with him but he picked. Not ideal. And my mil doesn't even like me either! It all feels a little stupid.

So learn how to accept some awkwardness. It sounds like neither wants you in the middle of their relationship.

Oh mil definitely wants gifts and attention and dh definitely does not want her to feel upset not to have those things. It's just that he is not making it a priority. But yes, I need to step back and let him deal.

Have you considered that parents want their children to genuinely think of those things by themselves? I have a young adult son with high-functioning autism and ADHD. Occasionally he remembers various occasions and buys a little gift. Often he forgets. That's fine. I would hate it if a future DIL thought of all these things for him and claimed it was a gift from both of them. It would cheapen what should be a moment of sincerity. I would rather not get anything at all. I love my son no matter what, even if he forgets every single holiday. My kids don't need to pretend with me. Not that I'm expecting this son of mine to get married, to be honest!