sleepover -- how to explain WHY to my child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just have a blanket no sleepover rule, which my husband insisted on before my kids were even born. I agreed based on experiences I had at sleepovers as a child. We’ve always told them “no sleepovers” just like we’ve always said “no pets”. They protest occasionally but it’s never been that big of a deal.

We always had a “no sleepovers until high school” rule for this exact reason. I never wanted to deal with arguing why a sleepover was okay with this family, but not that family. It turns out that almost all of my daughters’ friends’ parents had the same rule, so it was never an issue.

[Anonymous]

What a strange, red flag sleepover...

[Anonymous]

I'm really curious how your 8yo DD is close enough with older boys to be included in a sleepover invite but you don't know the family at all? I have an 8yo DD and just can't picture this happening! I'd also say no under the circumstances and just say I don't allow sleepovers when we don't know the family well (which is true).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really curious how your 8yo DD is close enough with older boys to be included in a sleepover invite but you don't know the family at all? I have an 8yo DD and just can't picture this happening! I'd also say no under the circumstances and just say I don't allow sleepovers when we don't know the family well (which is true).

But also, if you're open to sleepovers conceptually but under the right circumstances, try to set one up for her! With a family you know etc. We have a few families that are eager to try out sleepovers but none of us are pros at it some have worked well others less so but it's been a great experience for my dd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a strange, red flag sleepover...

+1. Even without the sleepover, it seems an odd party. All boys and one (autistic) girl. Wouldn't she be the odd one out even without the sleepover? Because otherwise I'd say do a "sleep under" and pick her up late, but this party sounds unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“No” because 9 year girls don’t have sleep overs with boys.



“No” because I am your mom and I said so.

You can’t go to an all boys sleepover. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just have a blanket no sleepover rule, which my husband insisted on before my kids were even born. I agreed based on experiences I had at sleepovers as a child. We’ve always told them “no sleepovers” just like we’ve always said “no pets”. They protest occasionally but it’s never been that big of a deal.

We always had a “no sleepovers until high school” rule for this exact reason. I never wanted to deal with arguing why a sleepover was okay with this family, but not that family. It turns out that almost all of my daughters’ friends’ parents had the same rule, so it was never an issue.

This is a bit off topic but I am way more worried about sleepovers in HS than upper elementary. Sleepover in HS is code for staying out late at a party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“No” because 9 year girls don’t have sleep overs with boys.



“No” because I am your mom and I said so.

You can’t go to an all boys sleepover. The end.

That super begs the question of why. What on earth would a child be banned from going to a sleepover with all boys if she can go to a party with all boys? It's a fine rule to have, but I think some of you aren't realizing how confusing this rule would be to a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I’m also pissed at the host parents for even issuing the invitation but I assume they feel like it doesn’t hurt to invite, and then people can say yes or no. They don’t see my daughter crying over and over and over about missing out.

Well, there you are out over your skis. The boundaries are: people invite, you get to say no. Your daughter is having a strong reaction to this, but that is not something they are responsible for foreseeing or heading off.

If you have not already talked to your daughter in plain language about sexual abuse, you need to do that.

Given what you have described, the "reason" about sleepovers could be: "It's important to keep your body safe and that includes when you are sleeping, so we do not sleep in the presence of people we don't know extremely well. I don't know these people extremely well, so that is the rule that applies here."

This is OP. I actually disagree. There are LOTS of jerky invitations that people extend TO THE CHILD FIRST -- like those birthday parties at the American Girl store where you are supposed to bring your own American Girl doll. You can't bring a stuffie. The store doesn't allow it. So if you don't own a doll that costs over $100, you have to borrow one from the library or not attend. Or having the child over at a playdate and asking the child if they want to watch a PG-13 movie or swim in a pool without the parents around. Nope. It's not always ok to invite. You might tell yourself that, but you're just being lazy. Talk to the other parents first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter was invited to a sleepover at the home of a child whose parents I don't know well. It's also a boy and her understanding is that the other invitees are all boys. This is for a birthday party. The children are 9 and 10 years old. I told her she cannot go because I don't know the parents well. She is very upset. She thinks I'm lying and it's because I will miss her! I told her it's about safety, but I do think I should explain this better. I don't want to tell her I think the dad or any of the boys could sexually assault her! Although in addition, I won't let her spend the night with people I don't know well for other safety reasons -- I have no idea how they run their home and what their safety rules would be at a party with a group of kids. I'm just not comfortable with it. I would let her stay at the party until the sleeping part and then come home. Anyway, when you tell your children they can't sleep over, what do you tell them is the reason. She's only 8, by the way. (Which feels like an additional reason this is a bad idea, but I also mention it re what to tell her. She's young and naive.)

If you want to tell them the truth, you tell them mommy is an anxious mess who doesn't trust anyone and is afraid you will be hurt at someone else's house. Please get some therapy, as the vast majority of sleepovers are a fun childhood ritual

[Anonymous]

OP - I agree with the people saying it’s ok to tell an 8 yo about SA. Mine knows that there are bad adults who like to look at and touch kids private parts, and if that ever happens to her she can say no and she can tell us and we will always believe her. It reduces the likelihood of your kid being abused if they know what it is and know it’s ok to talk to you about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a strange, red flag sleepover...

+1. Even without the sleepover, it seems an odd party. All boys and one (autistic) girl. Wouldn't she be the odd one out even without the sleepover? Because otherwise I'd say do a "sleep under" and pick her up late, but this party sounds unusual.

Why do you all think that boys and girls can’t relate? You don’t realize that boys and girls come in many shapes, sizes and preferences? This is 2025 and we still have educated people enforcing rigid gender roles? No wonder our society is messed up.

[Anonymous]

No means no. That's it.

[Anonymous]

"We don't do sleepovers with boys, but I would be happy to pick you up late when the boys are getting ready for bed so that you can still go to the party"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We don't do sleepovers with boys, but I would be happy to pick you up late when the boys are getting ready for bed so that you can still go to the party"

"and not miss anything fun"