sleepover -- how to explain WHY to my child

[Anonymous]

I let my kids sleepover their friends. By middle school they have new friends and a lot of mothers haven’t met. None of us were worried.

But I would draw the line on my daughter sleeping over with a bunch of boys. Why would you even express your over the top concerns of an older brother or father sexually abusing her? It’s not appropriate for boys and girls to have sleepovers together.

[Anonymous]

At that age mine knew about sex abuse and risks and it was a no in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“No” because 9 year girls don’t have sleep overs with boys.



“No” because I am your mom and I said so.

This is what I told my daughter when she was getting invited to boy sleepovers. End of conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because I said so. I’m all for providing explanations to kids but in this case, you cannot give her a reason that is really age-appropriate. So the reason is because you said so. When she is older she will understand.

This.

[Anonymous]

Lol, she doesn't think you won't let her go because you'll miss her. That's just what she's saying because she doesn't want to think anyone she might ever know would do anything nefarious, and it's safer to channel her negative feelings at you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I'm not a "because I said so" parent, but I think PP is perhaps right that there's no explanation that is age-appropriate.

It's going to get worse (by which I mean the factors that make her more likely to be a victim keep stacking up here), but my daughter is also autistic. Which makes it particularly important to her to know the "why" for things. And I'm usually happy to oblige. But I don't think there is an age appropriate why to offer here.

I disagree that 10 is too young to know that we don't share private spaces (like sleeping spaces) with people/boys we dont know well. And look, I don't love discussing sex assault with my 11 yo but for her safety she needs to know it's a thing that happens.

Also, I'm really surprised the host parent let this invitation go out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“No” because 9 year girls don’t have sleep overs with boys.



“No” because I am your mom and I said so.

For real. What are the other parents thinking? The boys are 9 and 10. Several boys and one girl over for a sleepover? WTH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I'm not a "because I said so" parent, but I think PP is perhaps right that there's no explanation that is age-appropriate.

It's going to get worse (by which I mean the factors that make her more likely to be a victim keep stacking up here), but my daughter is also autistic. Which makes it particularly important to her to know the "why" for things. And I'm usually happy to oblige. But I don't think there is an age appropriate why to offer here.

I disagree that 10 is too young to know that we don't share private spaces (like sleeping spaces) with people/boys we dont know well. And look, I don't love discussing sex assault with my 11 yo but for her safety she needs to know it's a thing that happens.

Also, I'm really surprised the host parent let this invitation go out.

I’m PP who said the reason is BISS. I agree that 10 is not too young for these discussions in a general context, but not as a specific response to why she can’t attend this sleepover. And agree wtf are the host parents thinking.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I’m also pissed at the host parents for even issuing the invitation but I assume they feel like it doesn’t hurt to invite, and then people can say yes or no. They don’t see my daughter crying over and over and over about missing out.

[Anonymous]

It seems like a very strange invitation! Is your daughter especially close with the boy at school or something?

I think you’ve explained it sufficiently by saying you don’t know the parents and are concerned about safety. If she needs more explanation you can talk more about safety. You don’t know the parents or all the kids who will be there, you don’t want her to get hurt or be in a dangerous situation. Sexual assault isn’t the only potential danger - they could have guns in the house, medication easily accessible, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I’m also pissed at the host parents for even issuing the invitation but I assume they feel like it doesn’t hurt to invite, and then people can say yes or no. They don’t see my daughter crying over and over and over about missing out.

I wouldn't be pissed. Everyone is different, and that mother probably is not looking at her son as a predator, just extending an invitation. I agree it's weird, but buckle up ... there will be lots of invitations throughout your parenting journey, and you will need to make calls as a parent. I wouldn't make a big deal - if it's just this situation (vs. no sleepovers), I would say that it's really nice that so-and-so invited you, but we're not comfortable having you sleep over with a bunch of boys. It's just not typically done for privacy reasons or whatever. You can go, and I'll pick you up at 10 pm.

If no sleepover (which we were but have since made exceptions), we just said that there will be families we're not comfortable with and don't want to put you in an awkward situation with a friend, so we're making a blanket rule. We'll pick you up late. Never needed to go into sexual assault - don't think that's necessary. Families have different rules and different comfort levels, blah blah blah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I’m also pissed at the host parents for even issuing the invitation but I assume they feel like it doesn’t hurt to invite, and then people can say yes or no. They don’t see my daughter crying over and over and over about missing out.

My daughter got invited to several boy sleepovers and the parent always asked me first before issuing the invite. I always told them no so the invite never was sent. One sweet parent changed it to a day party and invited a few other girls so she wouldn’t be alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I'm not a "because I said so" parent, but I think PP is perhaps right that there's no explanation that is age-appropriate.

It's going to get worse (by which I mean the factors that make her more likely to be a victim keep stacking up here), but my daughter is also autistic. Which makes it particularly important to her to know the "why" for things. And I'm usually happy to oblige. But I don't think there is an age appropriate why to offer here.

1. You are absolutely in the right to say no.
2. Of course this is an appropriate age to say why. Being honest is being a good parent no matter what the age.
3. I would not send my child either. Sleepovers are not required ever.

[Anonymous]

It’s ok if our kids are mad at us sometimes. It’s not our job to be their best friend. It’s our job to protect them. You’re doing your job as a parent and I would not let her go either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I’m also pissed at the host parents for even issuing the invitation but I assume they feel like it doesn’t hurt to invite, and then people can say yes or no. They don’t see my daughter crying over and over and over about missing out.

Well, there you are out over your skis. The boundaries are: people invite, you get to say no. Your daughter is having a strong reaction to this, but that is not something they are responsible for foreseeing or heading off.

If you have not already talked to your daughter in plain language about sexual abuse, you need to do that.

Given what you have described, the "reason" about sleepovers could be: "It's important to keep your body safe and that includes when you are sleeping, so we do not sleep in the presence of people we don't know extremely well. I don't know these people extremely well, so that is the rule that applies here."