How to deal with this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she doesn’t like being around you, then suggest she set out on her own and live somewhere else. She’s an adult.

This. She could’ve gone somewhere else for the holiday. Suggest she stay elsewhere for the next breaks if she can’t respect your house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family therapy with you and her?

We have tried that in the past and it has has not helped. We have tried taking privileges away from her like no car, confiscated phone for a month. It made her behavior much much worse every time. She is very very strong willed. She has had mental health issues so i cant just abandon her. But it feel like I am drowning and would not like to be around her.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What does her father say about her behaviour? How does he react when she yells at you or other kids?

She yells at her father too. I am sick he was making tacos and juggling kids drop off and pick up, she was ordering him how she likes her tacos, he cant even fix it herself. When her father asked her not to leave things outside for him to pick up. Like milk and yogurt were left outside and she didnt pick up her plates. She lashed out and started telling him that he does not talk to her properly.

I don't understand why you both let her behave this way. This has obviously been going on for years, it will be a lot harder to fix now. My suggestion would be a good family therapist for all of you. Not a request for her to attend, but a condition of continuing support.

BTW, letting her act out like this is both a bad example for your other kids, and unfair to them. They deserve a quiet and stable environment, which it doesn't sound lke they are getting.

I agree, I feel so bad for my youngest, ever since he has had a memory he has seen this environment created by her. My daughter on the other hand had a stable loving childhood. I am not sure where we went wrong with her.

Mmmm, no. You're complicit here, you and your husband.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is real or you're just stuck at your ILs in Wisconsin and are bored.

really you think I am making this up? I have been so depressed, have not been able to work out, got physically ill , seriously felt likt life is not worth living and all this sounds like my imagination to you.

Well, you posted the exact same thing on two different threads. That doesn't usually bode well for believability. But beyond that it does sound very "woe is me" with no accountability at all. Also you never mentioned feeling like life is not worth living until just now. Lots of people are giving you advice but you have yet to say anything that sounds like you have any intention of taking the advice.

You are right! you got me, this is a fake post. I like to spread lies on anonymous boards.

Sounds about right.

then you should have no problem staying away from this post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she doesn’t like being around you, then suggest she set out on her own and live somewhere else. She’s an adult.

We would be very happy if she takes that suggestion. She however keeps coming back and makes our life hell. We have offered paying for a separate housing when she comes over for summer internship that is closer to her internship but she still prefers staying home. She has a big room with her own bathroom and gets home made food and does not do any chores. She does not even pick up her plates after eating and often leaves milk etc outside to rot. I am fine with all this the worst thing is the fights and yelling she does. I have a special needs son who will be doing some summer courses online he is in high school, she hates him. I am already dreading how all this will play out.

That wasn’t a suggestion Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have her own car?

No she uses our car when she needs

She’s doing a lot of using

[Anonymous]

If this is unusual behavior, something may have happened.

[Anonymous]

Op sounds like you don’t want advice necessarily. You seem to want commiseration. But a lot of us can’t commiserate because we would never let it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op sounds like you don’t want advice necessarily. You seem to want commiseration. But a lot of us can’t commiserate because we would never let it happen.

What would you all do differently? I am all ears

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op sounds like you don’t want advice necessarily. You seem to want commiseration. But a lot of us can’t commiserate because we would never let it happen.

What would you all do differently? I am all ears

Cut her off. If she can’t behave, give her one last warning about what will happen and if she won’t follow it, cut her off. She’s over 18, she’s a legal adult. Change the locks as someone said, don’t give her the car, etc etc. She is wreaking havoc because you allow her to.

It’s been going on for years, nothing seems to have helped and she’s a legal adult. So you have only two options - put up with it or kick her out of her life. There are no other options. Pick one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op sounds like you don’t want advice necessarily. You seem to want commiseration. But a lot of us can’t commiserate because we would never let it happen.

What would you all do differently? I am all ears

Cut her off. If she can’t behave, give her one last warning about what will happen and if she won’t follow it, cut her off. She’s over 18, she’s a legal adult. Change the locks as someone said, don’t give her the car, etc etc. She is wreaking havoc because you allow her to.

It’s been going on for years, nothing seems to have helped and she’s a legal adult. So you have only two options - put up with it or kick her out of her life. There are no other options. Pick one.

Kick her out of YOUR life is what I meant.

Also, mental health issues she has that you mentioned? Once again - decide if you are willing to have her have whatever issue flare up as a result or you’d rather live in terror. Unless she’s going to commit suicide if you stop interacting with her, I’d say let it play out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op sounds like you don’t want advice necessarily. You seem to want commiseration. But a lot of us can’t commiserate because we would never let it happen.

What would you all do differently? I am all ears

Cut her off. If she can’t behave, give her one last warning about what will happen and if she won’t follow it, cut her off. She’s over 18, she’s a legal adult. Change the locks as someone said, don’t give her the car, etc etc. She is wreaking havoc because you allow her to.

It’s been going on for years, nothing seems to have helped and she’s a legal adult. So you have only two options - put up with it or kick her out of her life. There are no other options. Pick one.

I am willing to do it and have tried to do it in the past. She makes it so much worse and the younger kids feel bad. Like for e.g we are going away for a vacation during Christmas and did not want to take her as we are going with other friends and their families, vacations are worse she does not care that strangers are watching and has created drama in the past and vacations become hell, but she argued that we cant cut her off if she has problems as she is still part of the family. The whole family cant go on vacation and leave her behind. My husband gave in. You are right we are weak and letting this happen to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she doesn’t like being around you, then suggest she set out on her own and live somewhere else. She’s an adult.

We would be very happy if she takes that suggestion. She however keeps coming back and makes our life hell. We have offered paying for a separate housing when she comes over for summer internship that is closer to her internship but she still prefers staying home. She has a big room with her own bathroom and gets home made food and does not do any chores. She does not even pick up her plates after eating and often leaves milk etc outside to rot. I am fine with all this the worst thing is the fights and yelling she does. I have a special needs son who will be doing some summer courses online he is in high school, she hates him. I am already dreading how all this will play out.

Well, when she goes back to school, move her out of that big bedroom with private bath.
As a dependent adult at home, she should be contributing by helping around the house or you should not be financially supporting her.
She needs some boundaries and tough love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she doesn’t like being around you, then suggest she set out on her own and live somewhere else. She’s an adult.

We would be very happy if she takes that suggestion. She however keeps coming back and makes our life hell. We have offered paying for a separate housing when she comes over for summer internship that is closer to her internship but she still prefers staying home. She has a big room with her own bathroom and gets home made food and does not do any chores. She does not even pick up her plates after eating and often leaves milk etc outside to rot. I am fine with all this the worst thing is the fights and yelling she does. I have a special needs son who will be doing some summer courses online he is in high school, she hates him. I am already dreading how all this will play out.

Well, when she goes back to school, move her out of that big bedroom with private bath.
As a dependent adult at home, she should be contributing by helping around the house or you should not be financially supporting her.
She needs some boundaries and tough love.

This is a good idea I can move my youngest into that room as he is using the guest bedroom and she can use the guest bedroom when she comes. She has customized her room with custom paint and wall paper that is different from the rest of the house. I will need to remove all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op sounds like you don’t want advice necessarily. You seem to want commiseration. But a lot of us can’t commiserate because we would never let it happen.

What would you all do differently? I am all ears

Cut her off. If she can’t behave, give her one last warning about what will happen and if she won’t follow it, cut her off. She’s over 18, she’s a legal adult. Change the locks as someone said, don’t give her the car, etc etc. She is wreaking havoc because you allow her to.

It’s been going on for years, nothing seems to have helped and she’s a legal adult. So you have only two options - put up with it or kick her out of her life. There are no other options. Pick one.

Kick her out of YOUR life is what I meant.

Also, mental health issues she has that you mentioned? Once again - decide if you are willing to have her have whatever issue flare up as a result or you’d rather live in terror. Unless she’s going to commit suicide if you stop interacting with her, I’d say let it play out.

She has tried self harm in the past while we were present knowing that we will rush to help her and will back off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op sounds like you don’t want advice necessarily. You seem to want commiseration. But a lot of us can’t commiserate because we would never let it happen.

What would you all do differently? I am all ears

Cut her off. If she can’t behave, give her one last warning about what will happen and if she won’t follow it, cut her off. She’s over 18, she’s a legal adult. Change the locks as someone said, don’t give her the car, etc etc. She is wreaking havoc because you allow her to.

It’s been going on for years, nothing seems to have helped and she’s a legal adult. So you have only two options - put up with it or kick her out of her life. There are no other options. Pick one.

Kick her out of YOUR life is what I meant.

Also, mental health issues she has that you mentioned? Once again - decide if you are willing to have her have whatever issue flare up as a result or you’d rather live in terror. Unless she’s going to commit suicide if you stop interacting with her, I’d say let it play out.

She has tried self harm in the past while we were present knowing that we will rush to help her and will back off

She is clearly manipulating you through threats to herself. I think if you don't want to live like this for the rest of your life, just ignore.

Also, to be blunt, she cannot self harm in front of you if you don’t let her in the house. Change the locks and call the cops if she shows up. Basically your only choices are to live estranged from her and basically not have her exist in your life or put up with this insanity. They are both awful choices but that’s all you got.