How to deal with this

[Anonymous]

my 19 yo daughter is home she just keeps finding fault with everything, talks about all the things i failed to do for her (i had my life dedicated to my kids my time money energy everything went for them, rightfully so) Shows no gratitude, creates mess and fights and yells at me and my younger kids who are at home along with her father.

I have fallen sick due to all this stress and my poor husband has to deal with cooking and cleaning. I wish she didnt come home. i am dreading winter and summer break when she will be back.

[Anonymous]

Totally normal. Put on a movie and disengage.

[Anonymous]

No, it's not normal. It happens, but it's not healthy for anyone. Your husband and yourself need to sit her down and tell her to stop it; that she is making you physically ill with stress; that you have done your best as parents, and if there's anything she feels was lacking in childhood, you regret it, but that you will not be treated in this disrespectful way. Ask whether college is too stressful for her, and tell her you are always available to help her because you love her, but reiterate that lashing out will impede that process... because it makes you unwell and it's rude.

I have a 19 year old home from college. He has ADHD and autism, so being his parent has never been a walk in the park, but he has never lashed out or been intentionally disrespectful.
On that note, does your child have any diagnoses, and if not, should she be evaluated?

[Anonymous]

Is she not related to your other kids? Maybe she feels like you doted on them and she got the shaft.

[Anonymous]

If she doesn’t like being around you, then suggest she set out on her own and live somewhere else. She’s an adult.

[Anonymous]

Is this the first time she’s come home from college? Maybe she’s dealing with some adjustments.

What are the kinds of things she says you didn’t do for her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, it's not normal. It happens, but it's not healthy for anyone. Your husband and yourself need to sit her down and tell her to stop it; that she is making you physically ill with stress; that you have done your best as parents, and if there's anything she feels was lacking in childhood, you regret it, but that you will not be treated in this disrespectful way. Ask whether college is too stressful for her, and tell her you are always available to help her because you love her, but reiterate that lashing out will impede that process... because it makes you unwell and it's rude.

I have a 19 year old home from college. He has ADHD and autism, so being his parent has never been a walk in the park, but he has never lashed out or been intentionally disrespectful.
On that note, does your child have any diagnoses, and if not, should she be evaluated?

We have had this conversation with her in the past. She complains that she is miserable at home. She was fine and a perfect child till middle school . I think the mistake that we made was we gave her an iphone with no parental controls. Also she went to a high stress high school. She has loud violent outbursts. Blames me for everything. Nothing I can ever do is right and all that I do for her has no meaning. She does have a lot of anxiety. She also forces her self into our vacations, we give her an option of not going as she says how miserable she is with us , but she comes and vacations become hell. She claims that she is miserable at home and was talking about going back a day after she came but ofcourse is still here. She is very jealous of one of her siblings as he is special needs. She being first born had most of my time and attention. I feel so hopeless and failure as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she not related to your other kids? Maybe she feels like you doted on them and she got the shaft.

She is related to my other kids we are married for 25 years. She is my first born and got all of my time and attention much much more than other kids.

[Anonymous]

What does her father say about her behaviour? How does he react when she yells at you or other kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she doesn’t like being around you, then suggest she set out on her own and live somewhere else. She’s an adult.

We would be very happy if she takes that suggestion. She however keeps coming back and makes our life hell. We have offered paying for a separate housing when she comes over for summer internship that is closer to her internship but she still prefers staying home. She has a big room with her own bathroom and gets home made food and does not do any chores. She does not even pick up her plates after eating and often leaves milk etc outside to rot. I am fine with all this the worst thing is the fights and yelling she does. I have a special needs son who will be doing some summer courses online he is in high school, she hates him. I am already dreading how all this will play out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she doesn’t like being around you, then suggest she set out on her own and live somewhere else. She’s an adult.

We would be very happy if she takes that suggestion. She however keeps coming back and makes our life hell. We have offered paying for a separate housing when she comes over for summer internship that is closer to her internship but she still prefers staying home. She has a big room with her own bathroom and gets home made food and does not do any chores. She does not even pick up her plates after eating and often leaves milk etc outside to rot. I am fine with all this the worst thing is the fights and yelling she does. I have a special needs son who will be doing some summer courses online he is in high school, she hates him. I am already dreading how all this will play out.

Well, then, you’re just letting this happen.

Don’t ask her to move out. Tell her. Change the locks. Mean it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does her father say about her behaviour? How does he react when she yells at you or other kids?

She yells at her father too. I am sick he was making tacos and juggling kids drop off and pick up, she was ordering him how she likes her tacos, he cant even fix it herself. When her father asked her not to leave things outside for him to pick up. Like milk and yogurt were left outside and she didnt pick up her plates. She lashed out and started telling him that he does not talk to her properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it's not normal. It happens, but it's not healthy for anyone. Your husband and yourself need to sit her down and tell her to stop it; that she is making you physically ill with stress; that you have done your best as parents, and if there's anything she feels was lacking in childhood, you regret it, but that you will not be treated in this disrespectful way. Ask whether college is too stressful for her, and tell her you are always available to help her because you love her, but reiterate that lashing out will impede that process... because it makes you unwell and it's rude.

I have a 19 year old home from college. He has ADHD and autism, so being his parent has never been a walk in the park, but he has never lashed out or been intentionally disrespectful.
On that note, does your child have any diagnoses, and if not, should she be evaluated?

We have had this conversation with her in the past. She complains that she is miserable at home. She was fine and a perfect child till middle school . I think the mistake that we made was we gave her an iphone with no parental controls. Also she went to a high stress high school. She has loud violent outbursts. Blames me for everything. Nothing I can ever do is right and all that I do for her has no meaning. She does have a lot of anxiety. She also forces her self into our vacations, we give her an option of not going as she says how miserable she is with us , but she comes and vacations become hell. She claims that she is miserable at home and was talking about going back a day after she came but ofcourse is still here. She is very jealous of one of her siblings as he is special needs. She being first born had most of my time and attention. I feel so hopeless and failure as a parent.

Lots of kids feel this but not all kids say this. Ask her what she hopes to gain by spewing all over everything. Remind her that she’s an adult and one of the great things about being adult is getting to control your life. Ask her how she plans to use that power. When she can’t respond, tell her to think it over because it will be good for her to have a better plan than dumping her feelings all over everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the first time she’s come home from college? Maybe she’s dealing with some adjustments.

What are the kinds of things she says you didn’t do for her!

No she has been home before multiple times. She says I do not meet her emotional needs. She treats me like trash, how do I meet her emotional needs.

[Anonymous]

Family therapy with you and her?