How to deal with this

[Anonymous]

In response?

[Anonymous]

You and your husband should go to family therapy. I feel bad for you and your other children. You must not allow her to live with you.
Go on vacations with other children while she is back at school and do not tell her. Tell her she is not living at home for internship or summer. If you want to pay for place for her to stay during these times until she graduates, then do it. You are done. Tell her before she leaves to go back to school to make other plans for all vacations etc. Let her know she cannot come home for Christmas.
I feel bad for other children.
Be strong and let her know what is going to happen. Tell her to get free counseling at school. I would not take away her phone, but just do nothing for her. Your other children need you to take care of them, not her. Start today!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you say to her?

She went back today to college. Need to formulate a plan when she comes back for winter break, which will be a much longer break. 3+ weeks

[Anonymous]

your kid is a brat! tell her to straighten up or get the hell out!

if you are sick, she should be able to make tacos. anyone can do that!

you are enabling all of this.

put your foot down. it would be good if you and husband are on same page.

[Anonymous]

Is she willing to go to therapy with you? We don't know her side and my concern is based on what you say everyone will tell you she is a brat, she is awful, be strict, don't let her come home, tell her to grow up, etc and it will push you farther apart.

She may be entitled. She may be going through a rude phase. It could be you just need to learn to have boundaries. It could also be we aren't hearing what is triggering her and there is a whole other side to this.

You have every right to vent and if venting here helps, great. If you truly want to know you tried everything to have a better relationship, I would also suggest working with professionals. If she won't go, then you can get strategies and ideas. If my relationship with my child was a mess, I would want to know I tried everything to make it better so if things fall apart I know I did my part.

Yes, vent, but don't allow comments here to let you dehumanize her as much as you feel she has dehumanized you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it's not normal. It happens, but it's not healthy for anyone. Your husband and yourself need to sit her down and tell her to stop it; that she is making you physically ill with stress; that you have done your best as parents, and if there's anything she feels was lacking in childhood, you regret it, but that you will not be treated in this disrespectful way. Ask whether college is too stressful for her, and tell her you are always available to help her because you love her, but reiterate that lashing out will impede that process... because it makes you unwell and it's rude.

I have a 19 year old home from college. He has ADHD and autism, so being his parent has never been a walk in the park, but he has never lashed out or been intentionally disrespectful.
On that note, does your child have any diagnoses, and if not, should she be evaluated?

We have had this conversation with her in the past. She complains that she is miserable at home. She was fine and a perfect child till middle school . I think the mistake that we made was we gave her an iphone with no parental controls. Also she went to a high stress high school. She has loud violent outbursts. Blames me for everything. Nothing I can ever do is right and all that I do for her has no meaning. She does have a lot of anxiety. She also forces her self into our vacations, we give her an option of not going as she says how miserable she is with us , but she comes and vacations become hell. She claims that she is miserable at home and was talking about going back a day after she came but ofcourse is still here. She is very jealous of one of her siblings as he is special needs. She being first born had most of my time and attention. I feel so hopeless and failure as a parent.

"loud violent outbursts?"
she might need psychological help

OP, what is violent about the outbursts? Does she behave like this with friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it's not normal. It happens, but it's not healthy for anyone. Your husband and yourself need to sit her down and tell her to stop it; that she is making you physically ill with stress; that you have done your best as parents, and if there's anything she feels was lacking in childhood, you regret it, but that you will not be treated in this disrespectful way. Ask whether college is too stressful for her, and tell her you are always available to help her because you love her, but reiterate that lashing out will impede that process... because it makes you unwell and it's rude.

I have a 19 year old home from college. He has ADHD and autism, so being his parent has never been a walk in the park, but he has never lashed out or been intentionally disrespectful.
On that note, does your child have any diagnoses, and if not, should she be evaluated?

We have had this conversation with her in the past. She complains that she is miserable at home. She was fine and a perfect child till middle school . I think the mistake that we made was we gave her an iphone with no parental controls. Also she went to a high stress high school. She has loud violent outbursts. Blames me for everything. Nothing I can ever do is right and all that I do for her has no meaning. She does have a lot of anxiety. She also forces her self into our vacations, we give her an option of not going as she says how miserable she is with us , but she comes and vacations become hell. She claims that she is miserable at home and was talking about going back a day after she came but ofcourse is still here. She is very jealous of one of her siblings as he is special needs. She being first born had most of my time and attention. I feel so hopeless and failure as a parent.

Sit her down, kindly explain the dynamic isn’t working, you love her and want her to be part of the family but her behavior is unacceptable. Ask her if she needs treatment for anxiety (maybe it’s starting by talking to someone) but the dynamic must change. She can’t come home and raise hell. When she’s not all worked up you need to help her identify triggers and walk her through how she thinks she can deal with the emotions. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she willing to go to therapy with you? We don't know her side and my concern is based on what you say everyone will tell you she is a brat, she is awful, be strict, don't let her come home, tell her to grow up, etc and it will push you farther apart.

She may be entitled. She may be going through a rude phase. It could be you just need to learn to have boundaries. It could also be we aren't hearing what is triggering her and there is a whole other side to this.

You have every right to vent and if venting here helps, great. If you truly want to know you tried everything to have a better relationship, I would also suggest working with professionals. If she won't go, then you can get strategies and ideas. If my relationship with my child was a mess, I would want to know I tried everything to make it better so if things fall apart I know I did my part.

Yes, vent, but don't allow comments here to let you dehumanize her as much as you feel she has dehumanized you.

OP here thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she doesn’t like being around you, then suggest she set out on her own and live somewhere else. She’s an adult.

Agree!