How to deal with this

[Anonymous]

Does she have friends? How does she behave outside the family? What kind of person does she appear to be to the community?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have friends? How does she behave outside the family? What kind of person does she appear to be to the community?

She does have friends but she has never introduced me to any of her friends or bring them home. She keeps the home life separate. To do this she went as far as not having a grad party even though we really wanted to. I would really like to meet her friends and get to know them. She has indicated that she talks to them about us and we are "famous"

[Anonymous]

She’s spoiled rotten. High time for tough love. Tell her there needs to be a written agreement between DH and you and her.

Stop being her slave. She’s taking advantage of your kindness. Can DH help enforce some healthy boundaries?

[Anonymous]

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
my 19 yo daughter is home she just keeps finding fault with everything, talks about all the things i failed to do for her (i had my life dedicated to my kids my time money energy everything went for them, rightfully so) Shows no gratitude, creates mess and fights and yells at me and my younger kids who are at home along with her father.

I have fallen sick due to all this stress and my poor husband has to deal with cooking and cleaning. I wish she didnt come home. i am dreading winter and summer break when she will be back.

Absolutely normal (*except* the yelling), but it sucks - sorry! I was at a resort one holiday with my youngest when she was 20ish, and she groused to me about everything we'd done wrong. To make matters worse, she'd been talking with her older sisters about how terrible her childhood was, and when we were back home it was important to them that we all sit down together to hash it out. That was about as fun as it sounds, but I did a polite job nodding and listening, since they wanted to be heard. Why it always seems to be the moms who get this crap, I can only speculate, but regardless it does seem to be a rite of passage.

It's been years since then, and all I've heard now from my (late twenties & early thirties) "kids" is that we're the greatest parents ever - especially compared to in-laws.

I know it's easy for me to laugh on this side of it, but please know you didn't do anything wrong. Try not to worry yourself sick over it.

That all said, she should NOT be yelling. That's unacceptable. Let her know you'll listen to her *for a short period of time* if she has things she wants to express to you, and then move on. Smile and wave. Continued yelling from her is your cue to cut the communication short & take yourself somewhere more pleasant. If she doesn't respond appropriately, I'd consider some sort of punitive measure. She's an adult and relies on you for her welfare, so you have some options.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Please talk to a mental health therapist with and without her. Nip it in the bud fast but it isn't going to be an easy ride.
This is exactly what i have to deal with concerning my adult sister. In hindsight, she was like this when she was younger but not at a high degree. She is now 40.
She needs to learn to do things on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
my 19 yo daughter is home she just keeps finding fault with everything, talks about all the things i failed to do for her (i had my life dedicated to my kids my time money energy everything went for them, rightfully so) Shows no gratitude, creates mess and fights and yells at me and my younger kids who are at home along with her father.

I have fallen sick due to all this stress and my poor husband has to deal with cooking and cleaning. I wish she didnt come home. i am dreading winter and summer break when she will be back.

Absolutely normal (*except* the yelling), but it sucks - sorry! I was at a resort one holiday with my youngest when she was 20ish, and she groused to me about everything we'd done wrong. To make matters worse, she'd been talking with her older sisters about how terrible her childhood was, and when we were back home it was important to them that we all sit down together to hash it out. That was about as fun as it sounds, but I did a polite job nodding and listening, since they wanted to be heard. Why it always seems to be the moms who get this crap, I can only speculate, but regardless it does seem to be a rite of passage.

It's been years since then, and all I've heard now from my (late twenties & early thirties) "kids" is that we're the greatest parents ever - especially compared to in-laws.

I know it's easy for me to laugh on this side of it, but please know you didn't do anything wrong. Try not to worry yourself sick over it.

That all said, she should NOT be yelling. That's unacceptable. Let her know you'll listen to her *for a short period of time* if she has things she wants to express to you, and then move on. Smile and wave. Continued yelling from her is your cue to cut the communication short & take yourself somewhere more pleasant. If she doesn't respond appropriately, I'd consider some sort of punitive measure. She's an adult and relies on you for her welfare, so you have some options.

Good luck!

Were you a teenage mom? You sound 18 yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, it's not normal. It happens, but it's not healthy for anyone. Your husband and yourself need to sit her down and tell her to stop it; that she is making you physically ill with stress; that you have done your best as parents, and if there's anything she feels was lacking in childhood, you regret it, but that you will not be treated in this disrespectful way. Ask whether college is too stressful for her, and tell her you are always available to help her because you love her, but reiterate that lashing out will impede that process... because it makes you unwell and it's rude.

I have a 19 year old home from college. He has ADHD and autism, so being his parent has never been a walk in the park, but he has never lashed out or been intentionally disrespectful.
On that note, does your child have any diagnoses, and if not, should she be evaluated?

We have had this conversation with her in the past. She complains that she is miserable at home. She was fine and a perfect child till middle school . I think the mistake that we made was we gave her an iphone with no parental controls. Also she went to a high stress high school. She has loud violent outbursts. Blames me for everything. Nothing I can ever do is right and all that I do for her has no meaning. She does have a lot of anxiety. She also forces her self into our vacations, we give her an option of not going as she says how miserable she is with us , but she comes and vacations become hell. She claims that she is miserable at home and was talking about going back a day after she came but ofcourse is still here. She is very jealous of one of her siblings as he is special needs. She being first born had most of my time and attention. I feel so hopeless and failure as a parent.

"loud violent outbursts?"
she might need psychological help

[Anonymous]

Yes, a lot of 19-21 year olds go through this phase where they think they had shitty upbringings. I think it’s reinforced by social media and therapists. They get a narrative in their minds and it’s hard to break them out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
my 19 yo daughter is home she just keeps finding fault with everything, talks about all the things i failed to do for her (i had my life dedicated to my kids my time money energy everything went for them, rightfully so) Shows no gratitude, creates mess and fights and yells at me and my younger kids who are at home along with her father.

I have fallen sick due to all this stress and my poor husband has to deal with cooking and cleaning. I wish she didnt come home. i am dreading winter and summer break when she will be back.

Absolutely normal (*except* the yelling), but it sucks - sorry! I was at a resort one holiday with my youngest when she was 20ish, and she groused to me about everything we'd done wrong. To make matters worse, she'd been talking with her older sisters about how terrible her childhood was, and when we were back home it was important to them that we all sit down together to hash it out. That was about as fun as it sounds, but I did a polite job nodding and listening, since they wanted to be heard. Why it always seems to be the moms who get this crap, I can only speculate, but regardless it does seem to be a rite of passage.

It's been years since then, and all I've heard now from my (late twenties & early thirties) "kids" is that we're the greatest parents ever - especially compared to in-laws.

I know it's easy for me to laugh on this side of it, but please know you didn't do anything wrong. Try not to worry yourself sick over it.

That all said, she should NOT be yelling. That's unacceptable. Let her know you'll listen to her *for a short period of time* if she has things she wants to express to you, and then move on. Smile and wave. Continued yelling from her is your cue to cut the communication short & take yourself somewhere more pleasant. If she doesn't respond appropriately, I'd consider some sort of punitive measure. She's an adult and relies on you for her welfare, so you have some options.

Good luck!

Were you a teenage mom? You sound 18 yourself.

Sorry to disappoint, but nope. Sucks to be you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
my 19 yo daughter is home she just keeps finding fault with everything, talks about all the things i failed to do for her (i had my life dedicated to my kids my time money energy everything went for them, rightfully so) Shows no gratitude, creates mess and fights and yells at me and my younger kids who are at home along with her father.

I have fallen sick due to all this stress and my poor husband has to deal with cooking and cleaning. I wish she didnt come home. i am dreading winter and summer break when she will be back.

Absolutely normal (*except* the yelling), but it sucks - sorry! I was at a resort one holiday with my youngest when she was 20ish, and she groused to me about everything we'd done wrong. To make matters worse, she'd been talking with her older sisters about how terrible her childhood was, and when we were back home it was important to them that we all sit down together to hash it out. That was about as fun as it sounds, but I did a polite job nodding and listening, since they wanted to be heard. Why it always seems to be the moms who get this crap, I can only speculate, but regardless it does seem to be a rite of passage.

It's been years since then, and all I've heard now from my (late twenties & early thirties) "kids" is that we're the greatest parents ever - especially compared to in-laws.

I know it's easy for me to laugh on this side of it, but please know you didn't do anything wrong. Try not to worry yourself sick over it.

That all said, she should NOT be yelling. That's unacceptable. Let her know you'll listen to her *for a short period of time* if she has things she wants to express to you, and then move on. Smile and wave. Continued yelling from her is your cue to cut the communication short & take yourself somewhere more pleasant. If she doesn't respond appropriately, I'd consider some sort of punitive measure. She's an adult and relies on you for her welfare, so you have some options.

Good luck!

Such a loving thoughtful response. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
my 19 yo daughter is home she just keeps finding fault with everything, talks about all the things i failed to do for her (i had my life dedicated to my kids my time money energy everything went for them, rightfully so) Shows no gratitude, creates mess and fights and yells at me and my younger kids who are at home along with her father.

I have fallen sick due to all this stress and my poor husband has to deal with cooking and cleaning. I wish she didnt come home. i am dreading winter and summer break when she will be back.

If therapy isn't possible, ask a wise grandparent, aunt or uncle, whom she respects to talk to y'all about how these interactions are toxic for everyone and how to move past it towards mutual respect.

[Anonymous]

She agrees to getting a neurophysiological assessment or things change dramatically quickly. Both you and your husband need to explain you will not permit her to yell at anyone in YOUR house. She is not aloud to verbally attack anyone in your house. She is no longer a child. If she can’t be respectful then she will no longer be receiving all the extras she feels entitled to. Time for her to put some effort and work into earning her own extras.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry but absolutely No. You are too nice

[Anonymous]

What did you say to her?