Dating outside your “career level”

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing she is more attractive than him. Your friend needs to survey the realistic dating pool around him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a successful partner at a law firm. I met a nice woman who was a senior associate with unclear prospects. We had a great time, but the conversations kept veering into mentor-mentee territory. I hated that. We broke up pretty quickly.

And you’re on DC urban moms?

Yeah. Not so successful in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, he’s an idiot. I’m not big on traditionally gendered division of labor, but if he wants a family, one partner should be less career-invested. I don’t have high hopes for your friend though. Guys who are very picky like that generally don’t figure it out.

I agree with you.
The only big downside with this is that the less career-oriented person usually takes care of the kids. Which is great when they are toddlers, but kind of an issue when they are tweens and teens.

Why is an issue when the kids are tweens and teens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard time believing high powered men actually want a high powered woman.

This. No man wants an equal. Too threatening.

I like women who are roughly my equal professionally, but I don't want them to be in my field. If she's in my field, it's too easy to compare and compete, and the conversations focus too much on work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard time believing high powered men actually want a high powered woman.

Some men want to double their own salary and still have the wife manage everything in the household, keep herself in shape and well-groomed, and be sexually available. And there are women who will attempt that.

And some achieve that by outsourcing all the household chores, and expecting him to be an equal with kids and physical fitness. If my husband turned into one of the dough boys I work with, I'd definitely have an issue with that. I'm fit, attractive, successful, and I expect my equal to be the same - luckily he is!

My Doughboy colleagues have beautiful SAH wives or wives who have a subsidiary career so they take on 100% kid stuff. Most still outsource household chores.

What is your career and what do you consider to be a subsidiary career?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's his choice. He can be a low attachment 2 career power couple with a nanny if they have kids, or I can go for a more traditional one career with mommy track.

Not all high powered careers require parents to detach from family. This us a myth, perpetuated by Hollywood. There are plenty of attached high powered parents. They just have to prioritize family. Perhaps your spouse doesn't enjoy your family that much and submerged in work as a form if avoidance.

Sorry, you can’t actually prioritize family working 65+ hrs/week. Only Biglaw dudes who show up for one little league game a week believe that is “prioritizing family.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men want a woman that will look up to them, make them feel needed, respected, important, and authoritative. Sometimes they have to look pretty far down to find that. You shouldn’t judge… this is more about them than it is about you. Why do you care so much?

This reminds me of my DH's friend. A lawyer who went through a divorce from his *far more successful than he is* lawyer wife (they met in law school). The lawyer wife got beyond sick of his insecurity and failure and jealousy, and got a divorce. Anyone who has known him professionally is aware of his downward trajectory and he has settled into a gov position where he basically won't ever be fired. He had a new fiancé within a year of the divorce -- she is young, and not a lawyer. And very impressed that he is one. She thinks the shite job he has is important, because she doesn't know better. He had to "look pretty far down to find that" ... but find it he did.

Wow, listen to yourself. I’m a female lawyer, but I would never talk about another woman in such a disrespectful way. You’re a misogynist.

[Anonymous]

I think it's nice he cares about finding a woman who is ambitious and career oriented.

At any rate, something in him is telling him he's not sure about this woman, and I don't see why you seem to think it is your place to tell him to ignore that instinct.

Butt out.

He's a guy. He can get married and have kids whenever. He may as well be picky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, he’s an idiot. I’m not big on traditionally gendered division of labor, but if he wants a family, one partner should be less career-invested. I don’t have high hopes for your friend though. Guys who are very picky like that generally don’t figure it out.

I agree with you.
The only big downside with this is that the less career-oriented person usually takes care of the kids. Which is great when they are toddlers, but kind of an issue when they are tweens and teens.

Why is an issue when the kids are tweens and teens?

My experience is that the less career oriented person tells the kids not to worry about school, math is hard, etc. They didn’t study in school and everything worked out great!

[Anonymous]

Honest question to many women here. You all seem to have the same complaints about married men in general. If you had to start over, would you get married? My guess is no judging from the responses here. I think you should honestly tell single women not to get married else they will end up making the same complaints

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men want a woman that will look up to them, make them feel needed, respected, important, and authoritative. Sometimes they have to look pretty far down to find that. You shouldn’t judge… this is more about them than it is about you. Why do you care so much?

This reminds me of my DH's friend. A lawyer who went through a divorce from his *far more successful than he is* lawyer wife (they met in law school). The lawyer wife got beyond sick of his insecurity and failure and jealousy, and got a divorce. Anyone who has known him professionally is aware of his downward trajectory and he has settled into a gov position where he basically won't ever be fired. He had a new fiancé within a year of the divorce -- she is young, and not a lawyer. And very impressed that he is one. She thinks the shite job he has is important, because she doesn't know better. He had to "look pretty far down to find that" ... but find it he did.

Wow, listen to yourself. I’m a female lawyer, but I would never talk about another woman in such a disrespectful way. You’re a misogynist.

It's just facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men want a woman that will look up to them, make them feel needed, respected, important, and authoritative. Sometimes they have to look pretty far down to find that. You shouldn’t judge… this is more about them than it is about you. Why do you care so much?

This reminds me of my DH's friend. A lawyer who went through a divorce from his *far more successful than he is* lawyer wife (they met in law school). The lawyer wife got beyond sick of his insecurity and failure and jealousy, and got a divorce. Anyone who has known him professionally is aware of his downward trajectory and he has settled into a gov position where he basically won't ever be fired. He had a new fiancé within a year of the divorce -- she is young, and not a lawyer. And very impressed that he is one. She thinks the shite job he has is important, because she doesn't know better. He had to "look pretty far down to find that" ... but find it he did.

Wow, listen to yourself. I’m a female lawyer, but I would never talk about another woman in such a disrespectful way. You’re a misogynist.

It's just facts.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, he’s an idiot. I’m not big on traditionally gendered division of labor, but if he wants a family, one partner should be less career-invested. I don’t have high hopes for your friend though. Guys who are very picky like that generally don’t figure it out.

I agree with you.
The only big downside with this is that the less career-oriented person usually takes care of the kids. Which is great when they are toddlers, but kind of an issue when they are tweens and teens.

Why is an issue when the kids are tweens and teens?

My experience is that the less career oriented person tells the kids not to worry about school, math is hard, etc. They didn’t study in school and everything worked out great!

My husband's ex is like this and it drives me crazy. She's like an anti-motivator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of men want a woman that will look up to them, make them feel needed, respected, important, and authoritative. Sometimes they have to look pretty far down to find that. You shouldn’t judge… this is more about them than it is about you. Why do you care so much?

This reminds me of my DH's friend. A lawyer who went through a divorce from his *far more successful than he is* lawyer wife (they met in law school). The lawyer wife got beyond sick of his insecurity and failure and jealousy, and got a divorce. Anyone who has known him professionally is aware of his downward trajectory and he has settled into a gov position where he basically won't ever be fired. He had a new fiancé within a year of the divorce -- she is young, and not a lawyer. And very impressed that he is one. She thinks the shite job he has is important, because she doesn't know better. He had to "look pretty far down to find that" ... but find it he did.

Wow, listen to yourself. I’m a female lawyer, but I would never talk about another woman in such a disrespectful way. You’re a misogynist.

It's just facts.

No.

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a hard time believing high powered men actually want a high powered woman.

Some men want to double their own salary and still have the wife manage everything in the household, keep herself in shape and well-groomed, and be sexually available. And there are women who will attempt that.

And some achieve that by outsourcing all the household chores, and expecting him to be an equal with kids and physical fitness. If my husband turned into one of the dough boys I work with, I'd definitely have an issue with that. I'm fit, attractive, successful, and I expect my equal to be the same - luckily he is!

My Doughboy colleagues have beautiful SAH wives or wives who have a subsidiary career so they take on 100% kid stuff. Most still outsource household chores.

What is your career and what do you consider to be a subsidiary career?

My career is irrelevant to the point. I meant a subsidiary career in terms of diminished earnings/earning potential AND increased flexibility. You decide what that means for your family.