Dating outside your “career level”
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Anonymous
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Where does everyone stand on this? I have a very good friend who was fast tracked in his career and he met a girl who is still very junior. Let’s say same age, one’s a senior director and one’s a senior analyst. Both mid 30s, large fortune 100 companies.
I’ve never seen this guy so stoked over a girl, he barely dates and it’s usually a train wreck. His only holdup is that she’s just…not there with career which is a huge part of him. I told him he’s an idiot if that’s stopping him and not everyone cares about their career like he does, but I can’t force him to change his stance. Is this weird or am I off base? |
Anonymous
| No, he’s an idiot. I’m not big on traditionally gendered division of labor, but if he wants a family, one partner should be less career-invested. I don’t have high hopes for your friend though. Guys who are very picky like that generally don’t figure it out. |
Anonymous
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Eh. I was the woman in that situation and I married the guy. It ended up causing MASSIVE issues and we divorced - he never got over the resentment.
It was stupid, because I was 1. Nearly 10 years younger than him so of course my career wasn’t at the same level and 2. He refused to step up at home so I could work more and invest more time into furthering my career. Unfortunately a lot of men now want a woman who matches them career wise AND who will do the majority of domestic work. Which obviously isn’t at all realistic. Probably the best thing for your friend is to REALLY reflect on what he wants - it’s extremely difficult for both partners to have the high powered career. If he expects a woman to shoulder most of the domestic work, he’ll need to compromise on their career. Is he willing to leave work early 50% of the time to pick up kids? Take 50% of the sick days? |
Anonymous
| I'm a successful partner at a law firm. I met a nice woman who was a senior associate with unclear prospects. We had a great time, but the conversations kept veering into mentor-mentee territory. I hated that. We broke up pretty quickly. |
Anonymous
| I have a hard time believing high powered men actually want a high powered woman. |
Anonymous
This. No man wants an equal. Too threatening. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Some men want to double their own salary and still have the wife manage everything in the household, keep herself in shape and well-groomed, and be sexually available. And there are women who will attempt that. |
Anonymous
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In DC similarly educated people can find matches. In the nation as a whole it's more complicated. It is now established that their is a diverging trend post HS between men and women. Women are attending and graduating college in far higher number than men. And it's accelerating. And further more boys than girls are pushed toward trade schools.
So in a decade or so, if college education remains a key factor to higher paying and higher level positions, if the current trend continues some women will simply remain single. I do not foresee a scenario where a bunch of educated women will.simplu be okay partnering with non college educated men. In my experience when women are very educated they can be very condescending without even realizing it. |
Anonymous
Just insecure men. Use it as a filter. |
Anonymous
I agree with you. The only big downside with this is that the less career-oriented person usually takes care of the kids. Which is great when they are toddlers, but kind of an issue when they are tweens and teens. |
Anonymous
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So is she not there *yet*, or is it more like she's never gonna get to a high place in her career, or she just doesn't want to? Because that changes the answer, especially if she's a little younger. 33 and 36 are both mid-30s but those are clutch years for getting to the next level professionally.
There are plenty of women who want to work a lot and make money in their 20s and early 30s so that they can downshift when they have kids but maintain a high standard of living. And that is a very sensible and realistic plan IMO. Your friend should take a long look in the mirror and say aloud "You're no great prize either, you know." He should then very seriously consider what it's like to be married to a woman with a high-level career and whether he is truly up for it. And what kind of parenting and family setting he wants for his kids if he does want kids. If he's not truly willing to do 50% (and with an ambitious wife, 50% will be a lot), then he should count his blessings, marry this woman, and be content. |
Anonymous
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Weirdly, you care so much about your friends dating life.
The reality is that he probably has zero interest in "settling down," but family friends such as yourself won't buzz off about it, so he comes up with reasons for why it won't work. |
Anonymous
I wouldn't say no man . Maybe most, but most men are insecure and immature and most women are okay with thaat. |
Anonymous
| DH and I are lawyers. We were both at DOJ, he in management, me fresh out of law school. I didn’t work in his section. Over 20 years later we are happily married. No issues. I’d say we are equally talented lawyers though. But in different ways. So no competition, comparison, or whatever seems to be the concern mentioned in the OP. |